by Sue MacKay
All she wanted was for him to love her.
With a draining spoon Alesha lifted the eggs out of the water and slid them onto the toast. Any moment now her stomach was going to let her know it was kidding, it didn’t want food at all, just another trip to the bathroom. A gentle rumble told her she was wrong. Food was required. Pulling a stool up to the bench, she plonked her butt down and dosed the eggs with enough salt and pepper to keep her taste buds happy.
There was something in Kristof’s past that held him back. Something more than that failed marriage. Unless that was his problem and by proposing a loveless marriage he wasn’t setting himself up to be hurt again. He’d said he loved his wife so it made sense his heart had been broken.
Egg yolk dripped down her chin. Wiping it away, she took another mouthful, chewed thoughtfully.
They’d both been hurt in the past. In different ways, but hurt was hurt whichever way it struck. She couldn’t trust anyone to love her unconditionally. Yet she wanted to try. To give Kristof a chance. What if it didn’t work out? It was better to give their relationship a chance than never knowing.
Which was good thinking except for one thing. Two things. Two children. They’d be the ones to suffer if the marriage failed. If Kristof never fell in love with her.
They might also suffer if she didn’t marry the man she loved.
She was back to the beginning again. Darn but she was sick and tired of going round and round with all this.
Sick and tired. Her stomach had behaved for hours now. Wow, things could be looking up. But there was a beat going on behind her eyes that wasn’t letting up. Her eyelids were heavier than her handbag. It was time for bed.
Tomorrow might bring some answers to all the questions floating around in her skull. Fingers crossed.
* * *
Kristof went to work the next morning. What else was he supposed to do? In his office he dropped into the chair behind his desk and stared at the files neatly stacked in the centre. He didn’t want to look through them. Which was a first. Nothing in that pile was urgent, or even needed his attention until Monday morning. So why was he here? It was Saturday and there were plenty of other things needing his attention at home.
He’d phoned Alesha again and again. She wasn’t picking up. Asleep still? Or avoiding him? It didn’t matter. The result was the same. He was lost. Unable to decide how to make her see marriage was the best idea for their situation.
‘Hey, man, you’re looking about as happy as a dog whose bone got stolen.’ Harry dropped into the opposite chair. ‘What’s up?’
‘Nothing.’ Kristof studied the files.
‘Woman trouble.’
‘You think?’
Harry laughed. ‘I’ve never seen you look so glum, like you have a problem you don’t know how to fix.’
‘Could mean my shower’s stopped working and I can’t get a plumber at short notice.’ The trouble with friends was they saw too much and had no compunction over talking about it.
‘This the woman you met in Dubrovnik?’
When had he told Harry about Alesha? ‘If I say yes will you go away?’
‘She dump you?’
Considering it was well known he didn’t do relationships, where had his pal got that idea from?
It’s the truth.
So? Didn’t mean he had to admit it. ‘Sort of.’
Zip your mouth.
‘Why?’
‘Who the hell knows?’ He didn’t. Or maybe he did have an inkling. ‘She lets people get so close then pushes them away.’ And that was all he was saying. Kristof stood up.
‘You free to join our tribe for dinner tonight? It’s your goddaughter’s birthday.’
A kick in the gut wouldn’t hurt half as much. Kristof swore. ‘I totally forgot.’
‘Which is why I figured something was wrong. We’ll be seeing you, then?’
‘Of course. I’ll go shopping now for that bike I promised her.’ That’d keep his mind busy.
‘Want to ask your lady friend to join us too?’
Yes, he did, but a man could only take so many knockbacks. ‘She’s busy.’
‘Or you don’t want to risk her saying no.’
‘When did you get so clever?’ Kristof sank back on his chair, suddenly unable to move forward. As if he were stuck in a groove between what he had and what he wanted. ‘I’m going to be a father to twins. A boy and a girl.’
‘You’re pulling my leg?’ Harry shook his head. ‘Of course you’re not. Twins? Talk about playing catch-up in a big way. Man, you are in for some fun and a heap of responsibility.’
Responsibility he could do. Fun he wanted, but wasn’t sure where to start.
Harry hadn’t finished. ‘The fun means letting go and diving right in, becoming a hands-on dad, and that’s scaring the pants off you.’
Kristof didn’t say a word. What was the point?
Harry’s hand slapped the desktop. ‘Duh, how stupid of me. That’s not the problem. It’s the kids’ mother putting that sour look on your face. You are worried about letting your feelings show, or how to act on them.’
Knew he’d get there in the end. ‘So?’
‘So take a chance. Stop hiding from the past. Go risk your heart for them all. I am right in presuming you love her?’
Kristof froze. Couldn’t have blinked if he’d tried. Love Alesha? He cared for her, a lot. Wanted what was best for her. Needed to protect her, look out for her. But love her? Crack. A sharp pain stabbed his heart. Another crack opened it further.
Was this love? This all-encompassing, debilitating sensation filling his chest was the real deal? It wouldn’t go away because he expected it to? Another stab hit his chest. ‘I have totally screwed up,’ he admitted.
Harry stood up. ‘Then go fix it.’
‘What if I’m too late?’ Agony lanced him. Alesha had to give him a second chance. She just had to.
‘I’ll tell Katie you won’t be there for her party for a very good reason. But, man, you’d better deliver on this. No one gets these chances very often. Don’t wreck it before you’ve crawled on bare knees across hot, sharp coals.’
‘Thanks.’
The door closed with a resounding click and Kristof stared at the paintwork. Katie’s birthday and he’d forgotten all about it. What sort of godfather did that make him? The uninvolved kind. The kind of father he’d been hoping to avoid becoming. Leaping to his feet, he made for the door, hauled it back so hard it slammed the wall. ‘Harry? If it’s all right with you I’ll pick Katie up after lunch and take her to choose her own bike. We’ll have time together.’
Harry started back towards him, a smile on his dial. ‘Now you’re talking like a real godfather. What about your woman? Don’t waste time there, either.’
‘Alesha. Her name’s Alesha.’ His lungs expanded. ‘I’m going to see if she likes buying bikes and having dinner with strangers.’ And if she didn’t, he’d call tomorrow and see if she wanted to go to the farmers’ market. On Monday? He’d come up with something because as of now he was not giving up on winning her over.
* * *
Alesha arranged the two teddy bears, one pink and one blue, on her dresser and smiled. It didn’t matter how hollowed out and sick she felt, excitement was in her belly, warming her heavy heart. She was having two babies, and, despite all the problems waving at her, she was excited.
‘Hey.’ Shelley stuck her head around the door. ‘You’ve got a visitor.’
Alesha’s smile fell away. There was only one person who’d be calling on her. Kristof. She didn’t have a line-up of close friends who dropped in and out at the weekends. It had to be the man who continuously played havoc with her head. ‘Kristof?’
Shelley nodded. ‘He said you might not want to talk to him but he looks so forlorn I had to come check with you.’
; ‘He’s right. I don’t want to go near him.’ She wanted to rush at him, wind her arms around his waist and never let go.
‘This the father of your babies?’
It’d become impossible to keep her pregnancy a secret here when she was being sick so often. ‘Yes.’
‘Then what are you waiting for? Give the guy a chance to say whatever’s making him look like he ate rotten fish for breakfast.’
That description did not bring a pretty picture to Alesha’s mind, but it did trip the guilt button. Shoving herself up off the edge of the bed, she growled, ‘All right, then. Just to shut you up, you understand?’
Shelley surprised her by wrapping her arms around her. ‘You’ve been miserable for days. I’m thinking the other side of that coin is standing out in our lounge, hat in hand, waiting for you. Give yourself and your babies a break. Take a chance on whatever it is he’s come to offer.’
How she wanted that. More than anything. As long as it came loaded with love.
‘Are you up for bicycle shopping and a family dinner?’ A sombre smile highlighted Kristof’s mouth. It didn’t quite reach the sad eyes. Make that a sorry gaze. ‘It’s my goddaughter’s birthday and I promised her a bike. Today I realised she needs to choose it, not old man Uncle Kristof.’
Goddaughter? He did have people close to him that he loved. Alesha looked closer. There was a struggle going on over his face. He hadn’t thought to share the experience with the girl. Until now. There was love in his eyes when he mentioned the child, love he hadn’t been able to share or acknowledge out loud? What had changed? Not anything to do with her and their babies, surely? ‘You’d pick a plain-coloured one while she’ll want fairies or out-of-world creatures.’
‘You’re onto it. Want to come and watch me forget how I like being in charge of everything?’
Did she? Yes, but where would it lead? To more heartbreak? Or a settling-down time between them so they could start over on planning the future? Guess there was only one way to find out. ‘Give me a minute to put my face on and grab my bag.’ Only now did Alesha remember she hadn’t bothered with make-up this morning, thinking no one would see her.
‘You don’t need any of that stuff on your skin. It’s beautiful as it is.’ If he hadn’t sounded so genuine she’d have laughed in his face and told him to go find another woman to cajole. Ah, no, she wouldn’t.
‘Without make-up I feel naked.’ She smiled when his eyes widened. ‘Don’t go there. We’ve got a bike to shop for.’
But as she smoothed make-up over her face her smile faded. What was this about? He didn’t need her to go shopping with him and his goddaughter. So why was she being included in the trip to the mall? Hope rose. She squashed it. It came back stronger. This was going to end badly.
Or really, really well.
Out in the lounge she nodded to Kristof. ‘Let’s go,’ she said as she held her breath.
Out on the street, he pinged the locks open then placed his hands on her shoulders to draw her close. ‘I’m so sorry, Alesha. I struggle with letting those nearest and dearest know how I feel. My mother has suffered because of that. I was brought up in the stiff-upper-lip brigade. My father never showed us much love, though I believe he loved me. He probably loved Mum in his own way, not totally and solely, but enough to be furious when she left him.’ He paused and looked skyward. His Adam’s apple bobbed. Then he locked those beautiful eyes on her. ‘What I’m trying to say...’ Swallow. ‘I want to tell you that I love you. I’ve taken for ever to come round to believing it, but it is true. I love you with all my heart, Alesha Milligan. Will you share my life? Raise our babies together in a loving way?’
She gasped. Her head was light. While behind her ribs there was a lot of pounding going on. Kristof loved her? As she loved him? Looking into those blue-grey eyes she saw nothing but love, genuine, deep love—for her. Oh, my. She gasped again. Was this really happening to her? Had she finally found what she’d been looking for all her life? She loved him so much, and this love was like nothing she’d thought possible. It meant everything, was all-encompassing.
He cleared his throat. ‘Alesha?’ Fear tripped through his gaze.
‘Kristof, I’m—’ She stopped. About to say sorry, which he’d have taken the wrong way. ‘Yes,’ she said quickly to dispel his fear. He had put his heart on the line without knowing how she really felt. It was probably obvious, written all over her face when she wasn’t disagreeing with him. Kristof needed to hear those words as much as she had. Rising on her toes and placing a hand on his cheek, she answered, ‘I love you, Kristof. It’s the for ever kind of love. The “dealing with everything that life throws at us” love.’
Relief and love rose in his eyes. ‘I know there are lots of things still to work out.’
‘I think we’ve just made that easier.’ She smiled with everything that was in her heart before her mouth found his.
Kristof pulled her close, his hands holding her waist, his mouth owning hers. ‘I love you so much it hurts,’ he growled against her lips.
‘I like that.’ She kissed him back.
As the kiss deepened, Alesha sank in closer and closer to that hard, caring, sexy body of her man, and let her heart believe what it had heard, felt everything right itself inside.
Hey, babies, looks like we’ve got ourselves a loving future.
Kristof pulled back only enough to stare into her eyes. ‘So will you marry me now? For love and family and all the wonderful things we both want?’
A phone ringing broke into the moment. Annoyance and humour warred on his face as his hand shoved into his pocket.
‘Yes,’ Alesha said. ‘I will marry you.’
His hand hesitated as he leaned in for another kiss. ‘Thank you. You’ve just made me the happiest man ever.’
‘You’d better answer that call. It could be important.’ As happiness expanded throughout she couldn’t even find the smallest grudge against whoever had interrupted her most important moment. If she let that happen she’d never be fully happy.
‘Hey, Katie, we’re on our way to pick you up. I’m running late but it is for the best reason. See you in a little while, okay?’ Kristof listened to his goddaughter with love in his eyes.
Love for Katie? For her? For both of them? What did it matter? He had more than enough to go around, and now that he recognised it there’d be more where he found that. Alesha snuggled against her man and waited for him to finish the call. They were going out, on a date that included a little girl, and later to a dinner with Kristof’s friends. Yes, it was all coming together nicely.
* * *
On the way back to Kristof’s home late that night Alesha was suddenly enveloped with sadness and a fierce longing for everything to be made right in her life. Possibly she was asking too much but she had to try.
‘What’s up?’ Kristof asked as he parked in the garage.
See? The man could read her too easily. ‘I need to tell my parents we’re getting married.’
He turned and took her hands in his. ‘You do. And if you don’t get the reaction you’re obviously hoping for, then remember I’m here, that I’ll love you more than enough for everyone.’
Right then her heart melted, the last little doubt that he might not love her enough for long enough dissolving into the pool lying behind her ribs. ‘I know.’
The follow-up kiss was tender, filled with love, and with the acceptance they had finally got it right. What one week could do to change her life was beyond description.
When they went inside Kristof led her to the lounge and sat down on the couch, pulling her onto his thighs. ‘My father was my hero when I was growing up. He could do no wrong, and when my mother was sad, or angry with him, I blamed her for not loving him enough, blamed her for their marriage bust-up.’ He swallowed hard. ‘Then my father died and the truth came out. He’d cheated on her throughout their
marriage. A lot of what he’d taught me about being a man was a lie.’
Now she understood those dark moments. ‘You feel guilty for how you treated your mother.’
Kristof nodded. ‘I married someone like my father in the fidelity stakes. That undermined my ability to believe in my feelings, my love. Which is why I became so focused on medicine where I knew I was good and couldn’t be hurt by other people taking advantage of my feelings.’
‘Pull the other one, Kristof. You think all those weeks you’ve spent helping out at the Croatian children’s home wasn’t about showing how you felt for your mother?’
His smile, when it came, was the most relaxed and happy he’d ever given her. ‘Now I understand why I love you so much. There’s no hiding anything from you.’ He kissed her, which led to making love on the couch, and then heading for the bedroom to fall asleep in each other’s arms.
As her eyes drooped shut Alesha whispered, ‘I never knew I could be so happy. I love you.’
EPILOGUE
EIGHT WEEKS LATER Alesha walked up the pathway of the beautifully manicured gardens to the wedding venue.
Katie proudly strode ahead, a basket of rose petals in her hands, ready to sprinkle across the lawn right up to the marriage celebrant.
Alesha gripped a small bunch of peonies, the rose-pink colour lovely against her cream wedding gown that fitted tight over her breasts, and gathered over the babies tucked inside. Her face was split wide with a smile solely for the man who’d given her so much already. Yet tears streamed down her cheeks. Seemed that once she’d learned to cry she couldn’t unlearn it.
She walked alone, but she wasn’t alone. The people who mattered the most were here, smiling and rejoicing in her and Kristof’s occasion. Cherry and Shelley had offered to walk her up the short path, but she’d declined. She didn’t want to be given away—by anyone. She was going to Kristof, to be his wife and partner and lover. She was not giving herself to him to the point she didn’t recognise herself again.