Cul-de-sac

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Cul-de-sac Page 4

by Daniel MacIvor


  “The Balsawood Astronaut” by Madison Paige Turner. I know, what were they thinking? It was just kid stuff.

  “The Balsawood Astronaut” by Madison Paige Turner. There once was a balsawood boy who had a very bad life and so he decides to go on a journey and blah blah blah blah blah and on his journey he meets a giant baby who also had a very bad life because he was a giant baby and what can a giant baby do. The giant baby had tried to be a dentist because he thought maybe if the dentist was a giant baby then people wouldn’t be so scared to go to the dentist—but would you want a giant baby with a drill in your mouth? So the balsawood boy and the giant baby got together and went on a journey and blah blah blah blah blah and then they met up with the three-faced man who was a judge because he could see things from every angle—except for from behind which is how he got killed when he got run over by the two-door house.

  Two-door house. I got that from Meryl—my mom—she was saying how she wanted to live in a Tudor house and thought she was saying a “two-door house” and I said “Don’t all houses have two doors.” Apparently that was “cute.” Tudor house. Adults are such knobs.

  Of course, it is, inevitable, that I too, shall one day, become, a knob. But not yet. No I still have my whole life ahead of me. And what’s that, let’s see: burning babies, falling buildings, the war on war and you can’t wash your hair in tap water or it will turn to dust and fall out. Thanks a lot knobs. And then what? You get old and move to Florida. Or turn into big-dick-Bick-Bickerson-Cat-Killer. I think he did the right thing though. Leonard never would have done it. Whiskers was ancient. Whiskers was dust. I think Whiskers wanted to die.

  Old men have huge scrotums.

  That’s so dirty what you’re thinking. I’m just a little girl. Leonard told me. Leonard wasn’t a knob most of the time. But he wasn’t really like an adult though. Not like he was like a kid but more like he was, I don’t know —corny—an equal—corny—. I mean he would actually ask my opinion about things— and not in that condescending kind of pointless kind of liberal parenting kind of way like: “Would you like to live with Mommy or Daddy after the divorce Brittany, Jessica, Christina, Alliyah, Madison, Paige, Turner.” What were they thinking? That’s what happens when you’re born into a family of lawyers. Both of them. Meryl doesn’t practice anymore, now she does pilates full time. She was never really a lawyer lawyer though—she was one of those saint lawyers who only represented single mother drug addict strippers and their pimps. Ken is more of the regular type son of a bitch lawyer. He’s always saying how lawyers get a bad rap. He tries to compare lawyers to surgeons. He says, “Well if I was a surgeon and a killer came in with a knife in his head I shouldn’t take the knife out of his head because he’s a killer?” Hello? The analogy doesn’t work Ken! Because if surgeons were like lawyers they’d just turn to the guy with the knife in his head and say “You don’t have a knife in your head buddy” and charge him two thousand dollars. Son of a bitch. I got that off Meryl. That’s what she calls Ken. “That son of a bitch.” “You son of a bitch.” “He’s a son of a bitch.” I asked her but she said it was in no way a reference to my grandma. My grandma’s cool. She’s old. She lives in Florida. Florida’s full of old people and Disneyworld. Discuss.

  The son of a bitch stole my journal! I’m sure it was him. And only probably because he was sure it was full of sex. They’re obsessed with sex. Meryl’s always trying to talk to me about sex. It’s so embarrassing. Please. I know all about sex. But I haven’t had sex. Mouth doesn’t count. The former president of the United States said so. Liberals are such knobs.

  Leonard hardly ever talked about sex. I mean he did but not in the educational way. They said his computer was full of porn but it so wasn’t and if it was it was his boyfriend’s. His boyfriend was such a knob. He was so gay. And I mean that in the bad way. Plus he was very “flamboyant.” Flamboyant that’s so 2002 ...

  The son of a bitch can take away my cigarettes but he’s not getting my lighter.

  I taught Leonard how to smoke. We used to smoke in his kitchen. I mean he smoked but he just didn’t hold it right. He held it like it was dirty. You’ve got to love it. Kiss it. You’ve got to say yes to the cigarette. I taught Leonard how to smoke and he taught me ... He helped me with my public speaking contest subject. HIV is not the cause of AIDS.

  “HIV is not the cause of AIDS. There is no proof that HIV causes AIDS. All the epidemiological and microbiological evidence taken together conclusively demonstrates that HIV does not cause AIDS or any other illness. The concept that AIDS is caused by a virus is not a fact, but a theory that was introduced at a 1984 press conference by Dr. Robert Gallo, a researcher employed by the National Institutes of Health i.e.: the American government...” Blah blah blah blah blah.

  Leonard was into all that HIV stuff. He had HIV. But he didn’t tell most people because most people are such knobs. I was helping him surf the day he found that website, HIV is not the cause of AIDS. He was so excited, he kept saying “I’m not going to die of AIDS.” And he didn’t. But he still died though.

  HIV is not the cause of AIDS ...

  I plagiarized that right off the web site. And why not. Leonard even said. It wasn’t a public writing contest it was a public speaking contest. It wasn’t about how I wrote it it was about how I spoke it. And I came third. Out of sixteen. But that wasn’t good enough for Ken. He’s relentless “You should have written it yourself you might have won.” I did win, I came third out of sixteen, that’s still winning—coming 16th out of 16 that’s not winning coming third out of sixteen that’s winning. “But you could have come first with a little more effort.” Ken’s relentless.

  It was like when I made this two-minute video for social sciences and I showed it to Ken and he got all Roger Ebert on me. It was a video of Whiskers chewing a Barbie. I wasn’t trying to make The Matrix. He’s relentless. “Maybe if you’d picked another subject.” Oh yeah, he wanted me to do “Why Is Law Important”

  (yawn) yeah right “Why Are Adults Knobs.” He wanted me to do “What is Autism.” Oh my God. I used to be autistic. It wasn’t really autism though, they didn’t find out until later what it was. It was Asperger’s. Asperger’s Asperger’s. Assburger’s. Assburger’s. I’ll have two ass burgers please. Wax those buns ... Asperger’s is a syndrome which is mainly characterized by the child not seeming to grasp the concept that conversation is reciprocal. That was fun while it lasted. I got over the Asperger’s though, I snapped out of it when Ken and Meryl split up. Out of relief. Why bother. All the epidemiological and microbiological evidence taken together conclusively demonstrates that marriage does not work. Does not. Does not work. Does not work. Ric-o-la. Does not work! Everybody’s always happier when they’re split up or divorced or on their own. Even Leonard—when his boyfriend left—at first he was sad but after a while he was happier. He even said so.

  I wish I could be a lesbian. It would be easier. Girls are easier. I mean girls can be bitchy but so can boys just when boys are bitchy they call it highly motivated. A lesbian. Maybe that’s what I’ll be when I grow up. Maybe I could do it on career day. “Hey where do I sign up to spend the day with a lesbian?” They’d probably let me too, the liberals.

  Coming third is good. Leonard thought so. To celebrate took me out to dinner at Swiss Chalet. As he often did. We had an excellent conversation. As we often did. He said to me “You can be my story now.” I didn’t know what it meant, but it was nice.

  Sometimes people just want to die. It’s easier if you think that.

  Want to see something?

  LEONARD

  She lifts up her t-shirt sleeve and shows a tattoo.

  MADISON

  It’s p’ing, the Chinese symbol for peace. It’s the end of the world. Thanks a lot knobs.

  I haven’t had solid food in three days. Unless cock counts. That’s so dirty. I’m just a little girl. How could I anyway? I’m grounded. For saying “freak.” For saying “freak"! Because I’m not allowed to say (fuck)
so I don’t say (fuck) I don’t say (fuck) and even though I have many opportunities to say (fuck) I don’t say (fuck) and instead of saying (fuck) I say “freak.” Like: “Freak off or” “I freaked up” or “Hey are those two dogs freaking?” And Ken’s all still coming down on me and I’m like “I’m just saying ‘freak’!” and he’s all: “It’s not the word it’s the intention."

  Intention. Intention. Detention. Attention. Attention. Attention.

  She lights the lighter. She tries to grab the flame.

  Sometimes I’m not even sure if I miss Leonard.

  Sometimes I’m not even sure if I have any feelings at all. —Corny—. I’m such a knob.

  And then one day the balsawood boy is all by himself. And he thinks and he thinks and he thinks what he could do to make his life better. What in the world could be the purpose of his life? What in the world is he good at? Better than anyone? What is it that makes him special. And then he realizes. He’s made of balsawood. He can float. And that’s when the balsawood boy knows that one day he will become the balsawood astronaut.

  The title kind of gives the ending away.

  I’m sorry about the Christmas party. That was my fault. I feel bad about that. Well, that’s something I feel.

  SAMUEL

  Merry Christmas Madison.

  MADISON

  Merry Christmas Samuel.

  SAMUEL

  Can I get you an eggnog?

  MADISON

  No thanks, is Leonard here?

  SAMUEL

  I think Leonard is in the kitchen.

  MADISON

  Okay see ya.

  SAMUEL

  Merry Christmas Ken.

  KEN TURNER

  (on phone) Hey Samuel. I’ve gotta take this sorry. New receptionist.

  SAMUEL

  Not a problem not a problem.

  KEN TURNER

  (into phone) What is his position? What’s his position?

  SAMUEL

  And how are you doing Bick? Can I get you some more eggnog?

  BICK

  I wouldn’t mind if it had a bit of a kick in it.

  SAMUEL

  You want a bit of a kick do you Bick? You want a kick Bick?

  BICK

  I’ll give you a kick.

  SAMUEL

  Merry Christmas welcome welcome. Merry Christmas Joy.

  JOY

  Merry Christmas Samuel.

  SAMUEL

  Merry Christmas Edward.

  EDDY

  Merry Christmas Sam.

  JOY

  Eddy.

  EDDY

  Samuel.

  SAMUEL

  Not a problem not a problem. Can I get you an eggnog Joy?

  JOY

  Oh I’ll get something myself. We picked youse up a CD at the mall. It’s Christmas music, like classical like you like but a bit more upbeat.

  SAMUEL

  Well get that to Virginia and she’ll put it on.

  JOY

  Okay. I’ll be right back. (to EDDY) Behave yourself.

  EDDY

  The Mohammeds aren’t here?

  SAMUEL

  The Saeeds.

  EDDY

  I thought they were the big guests of honour or whatever.

  SAMUEL

  No they had to go out of town for the weekend.

  EDDY

  Figures they wouldn’t show their face around on a Christian holiday.

  SAMUEL

  Can I get you an eggnog Edward.

  EDDY

  You got any beer?

  SAMUEL

  Yes.

  EDDY

  You got Heineken?

  SAMUEL

  We got a keg actually.

  EDDY

  (leaving) Right on.

  JOY

  (returning) I couldn’t find her.

  SAMUEL

  You’re not having eggnog Joy?

  JOY

  Oh I’m just going to start with a glass of wine, don’t want eggnog on an empty stomach. Bloats me.

  SAMUEL

  Of course.

  JOY

  It’s quite the spread she’s got there—all those fancy cheeses.

  SAMUEL

  Yes she went all out this year.

  JOY

  Did she ever. I’m just going to run upstairs to the little girl’s room.

  SAMUEL

  Oh we’re using the powder room downstairs this year Joy—Reno’s a week behind. Rotten timing.

  JOY

  You’re redoing the bathroom? You just did the kitchen last summer.

  SAMUEL

  No rest for the wicked.

  JOY

  Honestly. Oh there she is. Virginia! Virginia! Oh she lost weight.

  SAMUEL

  No ...

  VIRGINIA

  Merry Christmas Joy.

  JOY

  Merry Christmas Virginia. We got you a little Christmas CD—it’s right up your alley but with a little pizzazz.

  VIRGINIA

  Oh well thank you.

  SAMUEL

  You’ll just have to put that on Virginia.

  VIRGINIA

  Oh yes I will, (moving to leave) Edward.

  EDDY

  (returning) Virginia.

  JOY

  (to EDDY) They’re redoing their bathroom.

  EDDY

  That’s nice. Mohammeds aren’t here, as you predicted.

  JOY

  Eddy shut up. (to SAMUEL) I’ll be right back— (to EDDY) behave yourself.

  A moment of silence between EDDY and SAMUEL.

  EDDY

  Beer’s skunky.

  SAMUEL

  Oh. Perhaps it’s just the top of the keg.

  EDDY

  Top of the keg? I don’t think so. I’ve heard of the bottom of the keg being skunky but not the top of the keg. Unless the whole damn keg’s skunky.

  SAMUEL

  Yes well I’m sure you’ll find out.

  EDDY

  Pardon me?

  JOY returns out of breath.

  That was fast.

  JOY

  Yeah. I just had to wash my hands. Samuel I couldn’t help but notice all those fancy cheeses she’s got there.

  SAMUEL

  Yes Joy you mentioned—

  JOY

  Is that in honour of the Baby Cheeses?

  SAMUEL

  Oh very good Joy ...

  JOY

  I just thought of that one in the bathroom. I really did have to pee. But sometimes if I get a good one and I pee I lose it so I had to rush right back. You got to rush back for the good ones.

  SAMUEL

  That was a good one.

  JOY

  Did you hear that one Eddy?

  EDDY

  Joy why do you come off so stupid, you don’t come off half this stupid at home.

  JOY

  Shut up areshole.

  SAMUEL

  Touché Joy.

  JOY

  What?

  VIRGINIA

  Is everything all right?

  JOY

  Yes wonderful. Virginia girl, you lost weight.

  VIRGINIA

  No...

  JOY

  I couldn’t help but notice all those fancy cheeses.

  VIRGINIA

  Yes and help yourself to the—

  JOY

  Is that in honour of the Baby Cheeses?

  VIRGINIA

  Pardon me?

  JOY

  The Baby ... Cheeses.

  VIRGINIA

  Sorry ... Baby?

  EDDY

  Jesus, cheeses like Jesus.

  VIRGINIA

  That’s a good one Eddy.

  JOY

  It’s mine.

  VIRGINIA

  Oh Joy, aren’t you the punster.

  JOY

  Huh. Oh this is it this is it listen listen listen.

  JOY’s CD plays a Muzak version of “Silent Night.”


  SAMUEL listens.

  VIRGINIA listens.

  EDDY listens.

  JOY

  Isn’t it great!

  VIRGINIA

  Such an interesting ...

  SAMUEL

  Arrangement.

  JOY

  I just love it. I think we’ll be doing some dancing tonight.

  JOY bumps into EDDY.

  EDDY

  Watch it Joy.

  BICK

  What the hell is this?

  JOY

  It’s “Silent Night.”

  BICK

  I know but what the hell is it.

  JOY

  (loudly) It’s a CD Mister Bickerson! A CD!

  BICK

  (grunts and leaves)

  JOY

  (calling after) Mister Bickerson, what do you make of all the cheeses Mister Bick— Anyhoo. Leonard’s not a no show is he?

  SAMUEL

  No he’s in the kitchen with Madison. Virginia why don’t you get them in.

  VIRGINIA

  Okey dokey.

  EDDY

  Madison, she’s really growing up isn’t she.

  JOY

  Shut up Eddy.

  EDDY

  What I’m just making an observation.

  JOY

  Yeah from your dirty mind.

  EDDY

  How come I’m the one with the dirty mind, you’re the one wants to get into bondage.

  SAMUEL

  Yes well, I was speaking with Leonard this morning and he’s come up with what I think is an absolutely capital idea.

  EDDY

  Oh great we’re starting with the charades all ready.

  JOY

  Forget charades, (to SAMUEL) this year we’re dancing.

  SAMUEL

  Uh.

  VIRGINIA

  Here they are.

  SAMUEL

  Fine then are we all here?

  KEN

  Quid pro bono? What the hell does that mean? Quid pro bono.

  MADISON

  Ken.

  KEN

  Madison. I’m on the phone!

  MADISON

  Everyone’s waiting.

  KEN

  (on phone) Hang on, Hang on. (to group) Go ahead.

  SAMUEL

  Fine then. Now I don’t think we need to point out that there are certain divisions which exist in our neighbourhood and Leonard has come up with an idea that I think might just be the ticket to bring us all together. Leonard, would you like to?

  LEONARD

  (indicates no)

 

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