“The Balsawood Astronaut” by Madison Paige Turner. I know, what were they thinking? It was just kid stuff.
“The Balsawood Astronaut” by Madison Paige Turner. There once was a balsawood boy who had a very bad life and so he decides to go on a journey and blah blah blah blah blah and on his journey he meets a giant baby who also had a very bad life because he was a giant baby and what can a giant baby do. The giant baby had tried to be a dentist because he thought maybe if the dentist was a giant baby then people wouldn’t be so scared to go to the dentist—but would you want a giant baby with a drill in your mouth? So the balsawood boy and the giant baby got together and went on a journey and blah blah blah blah blah and then they met up with the three-faced man who was a judge because he could see things from every angle—except for from behind which is how he got killed when he got run over by the two-door house.
Two-door house. I got that from Meryl—my mom—she was saying how she wanted to live in a Tudor house and thought she was saying a “two-door house” and I said “Don’t all houses have two doors.” Apparently that was “cute.” Tudor house. Adults are such knobs.
Of course, it is, inevitable, that I too, shall one day, become, a knob. But not yet. No I still have my whole life ahead of me. And what’s that, let’s see: burning babies, falling buildings, the war on war and you can’t wash your hair in tap water or it will turn to dust and fall out. Thanks a lot knobs. And then what? You get old and move to Florida. Or turn into big-dick-Bick-Bickerson-Cat-Killer. I think he did the right thing though. Leonard never would have done it. Whiskers was ancient. Whiskers was dust. I think Whiskers wanted to die.
Old men have huge scrotums.
That’s so dirty what you’re thinking. I’m just a little girl. Leonard told me. Leonard wasn’t a knob most of the time. But he wasn’t really like an adult though. Not like he was like a kid but more like he was, I don’t know —corny—an equal—corny—. I mean he would actually ask my opinion about things— and not in that condescending kind of pointless kind of liberal parenting kind of way like: “Would you like to live with Mommy or Daddy after the divorce Brittany, Jessica, Christina, Alliyah, Madison, Paige, Turner.” What were they thinking? That’s what happens when you’re born into a family of lawyers. Both of them. Meryl doesn’t practice anymore, now she does pilates full time. She was never really a lawyer lawyer though—she was one of those saint lawyers who only represented single mother drug addict strippers and their pimps. Ken is more of the regular type son of a bitch lawyer. He’s always saying how lawyers get a bad rap. He tries to compare lawyers to surgeons. He says, “Well if I was a surgeon and a killer came in with a knife in his head I shouldn’t take the knife out of his head because he’s a killer?” Hello? The analogy doesn’t work Ken! Because if surgeons were like lawyers they’d just turn to the guy with the knife in his head and say “You don’t have a knife in your head buddy” and charge him two thousand dollars. Son of a bitch. I got that off Meryl. That’s what she calls Ken. “That son of a bitch.” “You son of a bitch.” “He’s a son of a bitch.” I asked her but she said it was in no way a reference to my grandma. My grandma’s cool. She’s old. She lives in Florida. Florida’s full of old people and Disneyworld. Discuss.
The son of a bitch stole my journal! I’m sure it was him. And only probably because he was sure it was full of sex. They’re obsessed with sex. Meryl’s always trying to talk to me about sex. It’s so embarrassing. Please. I know all about sex. But I haven’t had sex. Mouth doesn’t count. The former president of the United States said so. Liberals are such knobs.
Leonard hardly ever talked about sex. I mean he did but not in the educational way. They said his computer was full of porn but it so wasn’t and if it was it was his boyfriend’s. His boyfriend was such a knob. He was so gay. And I mean that in the bad way. Plus he was very “flamboyant.” Flamboyant that’s so 2002 ...
The son of a bitch can take away my cigarettes but he’s not getting my lighter.
I taught Leonard how to smoke. We used to smoke in his kitchen. I mean he smoked but he just didn’t hold it right. He held it like it was dirty. You’ve got to love it. Kiss it. You’ve got to say yes to the cigarette. I taught Leonard how to smoke and he taught me ... He helped me with my public speaking contest subject. HIV is not the cause of AIDS.
“HIV is not the cause of AIDS. There is no proof that HIV causes AIDS. All the epidemiological and microbiological evidence taken together conclusively demonstrates that HIV does not cause AIDS or any other illness. The concept that AIDS is caused by a virus is not a fact, but a theory that was introduced at a 1984 press conference by Dr. Robert Gallo, a researcher employed by the National Institutes of Health i.e.: the American government...” Blah blah blah blah blah.
Leonard was into all that HIV stuff. He had HIV. But he didn’t tell most people because most people are such knobs. I was helping him surf the day he found that website, HIV is not the cause of AIDS. He was so excited, he kept saying “I’m not going to die of AIDS.” And he didn’t. But he still died though.
HIV is not the cause of AIDS ...
I plagiarized that right off the web site. And why not. Leonard even said. It wasn’t a public writing contest it was a public speaking contest. It wasn’t about how I wrote it it was about how I spoke it. And I came third. Out of sixteen. But that wasn’t good enough for Ken. He’s relentless “You should have written it yourself you might have won.” I did win, I came third out of sixteen, that’s still winning—coming 16th out of 16 that’s not winning coming third out of sixteen that’s winning. “But you could have come first with a little more effort.” Ken’s relentless.
It was like when I made this two-minute video for social sciences and I showed it to Ken and he got all Roger Ebert on me. It was a video of Whiskers chewing a Barbie. I wasn’t trying to make The Matrix. He’s relentless. “Maybe if you’d picked another subject.” Oh yeah, he wanted me to do “Why Is Law Important”
(yawn) yeah right “Why Are Adults Knobs.” He wanted me to do “What is Autism.” Oh my God. I used to be autistic. It wasn’t really autism though, they didn’t find out until later what it was. It was Asperger’s. Asperger’s Asperger’s. Assburger’s. Assburger’s. I’ll have two ass burgers please. Wax those buns ... Asperger’s is a syndrome which is mainly characterized by the child not seeming to grasp the concept that conversation is reciprocal. That was fun while it lasted. I got over the Asperger’s though, I snapped out of it when Ken and Meryl split up. Out of relief. Why bother. All the epidemiological and microbiological evidence taken together conclusively demonstrates that marriage does not work. Does not. Does not work. Does not work. Ric-o-la. Does not work! Everybody’s always happier when they’re split up or divorced or on their own. Even Leonard—when his boyfriend left—at first he was sad but after a while he was happier. He even said so.
I wish I could be a lesbian. It would be easier. Girls are easier. I mean girls can be bitchy but so can boys just when boys are bitchy they call it highly motivated. A lesbian. Maybe that’s what I’ll be when I grow up. Maybe I could do it on career day. “Hey where do I sign up to spend the day with a lesbian?” They’d probably let me too, the liberals.
Coming third is good. Leonard thought so. To celebrate took me out to dinner at Swiss Chalet. As he often did. We had an excellent conversation. As we often did. He said to me “You can be my story now.” I didn’t know what it meant, but it was nice.
Sometimes people just want to die. It’s easier if you think that.
Want to see something?
LEONARD
She lifts up her t-shirt sleeve and shows a tattoo.
MADISON
It’s p’ing, the Chinese symbol for peace. It’s the end of the world. Thanks a lot knobs.
I haven’t had solid food in three days. Unless cock counts. That’s so dirty. I’m just a little girl. How could I anyway? I’m grounded. For saying “freak.” For saying “freak"! Because I’m not allowed to say (fuck)
so I don’t say (fuck) I don’t say (fuck) and even though I have many opportunities to say (fuck) I don’t say (fuck) and instead of saying (fuck) I say “freak.” Like: “Freak off or” “I freaked up” or “Hey are those two dogs freaking?” And Ken’s all still coming down on me and I’m like “I’m just saying ‘freak’!” and he’s all: “It’s not the word it’s the intention."
Intention. Intention. Detention. Attention. Attention. Attention.
She lights the lighter. She tries to grab the flame.
Sometimes I’m not even sure if I miss Leonard.
Sometimes I’m not even sure if I have any feelings at all. —Corny—. I’m such a knob.
And then one day the balsawood boy is all by himself. And he thinks and he thinks and he thinks what he could do to make his life better. What in the world could be the purpose of his life? What in the world is he good at? Better than anyone? What is it that makes him special. And then he realizes. He’s made of balsawood. He can float. And that’s when the balsawood boy knows that one day he will become the balsawood astronaut.
The title kind of gives the ending away.
I’m sorry about the Christmas party. That was my fault. I feel bad about that. Well, that’s something I feel.
SAMUEL
Merry Christmas Madison.
MADISON
Merry Christmas Samuel.
SAMUEL
Can I get you an eggnog?
MADISON
No thanks, is Leonard here?
SAMUEL
I think Leonard is in the kitchen.
MADISON
Okay see ya.
SAMUEL
Merry Christmas Ken.
KEN TURNER
(on phone) Hey Samuel. I’ve gotta take this sorry. New receptionist.
SAMUEL
Not a problem not a problem.
KEN TURNER
(into phone) What is his position? What’s his position?
SAMUEL
And how are you doing Bick? Can I get you some more eggnog?
BICK
I wouldn’t mind if it had a bit of a kick in it.
SAMUEL
You want a bit of a kick do you Bick? You want a kick Bick?
BICK
I’ll give you a kick.
SAMUEL
Merry Christmas welcome welcome. Merry Christmas Joy.
JOY
Merry Christmas Samuel.
SAMUEL
Merry Christmas Edward.
EDDY
Merry Christmas Sam.
JOY
Eddy.
EDDY
Samuel.
SAMUEL
Not a problem not a problem. Can I get you an eggnog Joy?
JOY
Oh I’ll get something myself. We picked youse up a CD at the mall. It’s Christmas music, like classical like you like but a bit more upbeat.
SAMUEL
Well get that to Virginia and she’ll put it on.
JOY
Okay. I’ll be right back. (to EDDY) Behave yourself.
EDDY
The Mohammeds aren’t here?
SAMUEL
The Saeeds.
EDDY
I thought they were the big guests of honour or whatever.
SAMUEL
No they had to go out of town for the weekend.
EDDY
Figures they wouldn’t show their face around on a Christian holiday.
SAMUEL
Can I get you an eggnog Edward.
EDDY
You got any beer?
SAMUEL
Yes.
EDDY
You got Heineken?
SAMUEL
We got a keg actually.
EDDY
(leaving) Right on.
JOY
(returning) I couldn’t find her.
SAMUEL
You’re not having eggnog Joy?
JOY
Oh I’m just going to start with a glass of wine, don’t want eggnog on an empty stomach. Bloats me.
SAMUEL
Of course.
JOY
It’s quite the spread she’s got there—all those fancy cheeses.
SAMUEL
Yes she went all out this year.
JOY
Did she ever. I’m just going to run upstairs to the little girl’s room.
SAMUEL
Oh we’re using the powder room downstairs this year Joy—Reno’s a week behind. Rotten timing.
JOY
You’re redoing the bathroom? You just did the kitchen last summer.
SAMUEL
No rest for the wicked.
JOY
Honestly. Oh there she is. Virginia! Virginia! Oh she lost weight.
SAMUEL
No ...
VIRGINIA
Merry Christmas Joy.
JOY
Merry Christmas Virginia. We got you a little Christmas CD—it’s right up your alley but with a little pizzazz.
VIRGINIA
Oh well thank you.
SAMUEL
You’ll just have to put that on Virginia.
VIRGINIA
Oh yes I will, (moving to leave) Edward.
EDDY
(returning) Virginia.
JOY
(to EDDY) They’re redoing their bathroom.
EDDY
That’s nice. Mohammeds aren’t here, as you predicted.
JOY
Eddy shut up. (to SAMUEL) I’ll be right back— (to EDDY) behave yourself.
A moment of silence between EDDY and SAMUEL.
EDDY
Beer’s skunky.
SAMUEL
Oh. Perhaps it’s just the top of the keg.
EDDY
Top of the keg? I don’t think so. I’ve heard of the bottom of the keg being skunky but not the top of the keg. Unless the whole damn keg’s skunky.
SAMUEL
Yes well I’m sure you’ll find out.
EDDY
Pardon me?
JOY returns out of breath.
That was fast.
JOY
Yeah. I just had to wash my hands. Samuel I couldn’t help but notice all those fancy cheeses she’s got there.
SAMUEL
Yes Joy you mentioned—
JOY
Is that in honour of the Baby Cheeses?
SAMUEL
Oh very good Joy ...
JOY
I just thought of that one in the bathroom. I really did have to pee. But sometimes if I get a good one and I pee I lose it so I had to rush right back. You got to rush back for the good ones.
SAMUEL
That was a good one.
JOY
Did you hear that one Eddy?
EDDY
Joy why do you come off so stupid, you don’t come off half this stupid at home.
JOY
Shut up areshole.
SAMUEL
Touché Joy.
JOY
What?
VIRGINIA
Is everything all right?
JOY
Yes wonderful. Virginia girl, you lost weight.
VIRGINIA
No...
JOY
I couldn’t help but notice all those fancy cheeses.
VIRGINIA
Yes and help yourself to the—
JOY
Is that in honour of the Baby Cheeses?
VIRGINIA
Pardon me?
JOY
The Baby ... Cheeses.
VIRGINIA
Sorry ... Baby?
EDDY
Jesus, cheeses like Jesus.
VIRGINIA
That’s a good one Eddy.
JOY
It’s mine.
VIRGINIA
Oh Joy, aren’t you the punster.
JOY
Huh. Oh this is it this is it listen listen listen.
JOY’s CD plays a Muzak version of “Silent Night.”
SAMUEL listens.
VIRGINIA listens.
EDDY listens.
JOY
Isn’t it great!
VIRGINIA
Such an interesting ...
SAMUEL
Arrangement.
JOY
I just love it. I think we’ll be doing some dancing tonight.
JOY bumps into EDDY.
EDDY
Watch it Joy.
BICK
What the hell is this?
JOY
It’s “Silent Night.”
BICK
I know but what the hell is it.
JOY
(loudly) It’s a CD Mister Bickerson! A CD!
BICK
(grunts and leaves)
JOY
(calling after) Mister Bickerson, what do you make of all the cheeses Mister Bick— Anyhoo. Leonard’s not a no show is he?
SAMUEL
No he’s in the kitchen with Madison. Virginia why don’t you get them in.
VIRGINIA
Okey dokey.
EDDY
Madison, she’s really growing up isn’t she.
JOY
Shut up Eddy.
EDDY
What I’m just making an observation.
JOY
Yeah from your dirty mind.
EDDY
How come I’m the one with the dirty mind, you’re the one wants to get into bondage.
SAMUEL
Yes well, I was speaking with Leonard this morning and he’s come up with what I think is an absolutely capital idea.
EDDY
Oh great we’re starting with the charades all ready.
JOY
Forget charades, (to SAMUEL) this year we’re dancing.
SAMUEL
Uh.
VIRGINIA
Here they are.
SAMUEL
Fine then are we all here?
KEN
Quid pro bono? What the hell does that mean? Quid pro bono.
MADISON
Ken.
KEN
Madison. I’m on the phone!
MADISON
Everyone’s waiting.
KEN
(on phone) Hang on, Hang on. (to group) Go ahead.
SAMUEL
Fine then. Now I don’t think we need to point out that there are certain divisions which exist in our neighbourhood and Leonard has come up with an idea that I think might just be the ticket to bring us all together. Leonard, would you like to?
LEONARD
(indicates no)
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