The Carrero Heart - The Journey: Arrick and Sophie (The Carrero Series Book 5)

by L. T. Marshall

  ‘You’re not going to be living alone anymore. You’re living here, and we are moving your stuff today. No argument Soph’s. I don’t want you going back to that apartment or anywhere alone ever again, anywhere without me.’ Arrick has found the strength in his voice again and frowns at me bossily, endearingly serious and I just shrug at him, placating him while he is still so obviously emotional and fragile. Looking so very stern.

  ‘Was going to happen anyway. Just not today… I need sleep, food, definitely a shower and just some time to get my head around this.’ Right now, nothing sounds better than making sure I never leave here again. He’s back to gripping me like he wants to melt our bodies into one and I have to just accept the fact he may be a little needy for a while today; not that I am complaining. I feel like all I need is to be wrapped up in him too.

  ‘If you two are getting to the cohabiting stage, then maybe it’s time you properly told the families that this thing is serious Arry? Maybe in a few days you could both come home and make mom happy?’ Jake gives him the affectionately bossy tone and the slight furrowed brow look that means, ‘I am saying it as a suggestion, but what I really mean is you will do as you’re told.’ I giggle at his lack of subtlety and Arrick finally breaks a smile too. Both obviously thinking the same thing.

  ‘Give her time to get over this…. Me too. I think I’ve aged like fifty years in the past few hours.’ Arry sighs and pulls my cheek back to his face, littering more kisses across my eyebrow and temple. Unable to just stop touching and showering me with his affections.

  ‘That’s what love does to you buddy. God Knows Emma knows how to make me fall to shit sometimes. I’m heading home, but dad insists you keep the security team, at least until all this dies down, and Alexi does whatever he is going to do.’ Jake is in serious mode, fatherly and CEO toned. A hint that the dark side of the family is something he knows more about than he lets on. He ruffles my hair and then his brothers, pulling his head over roughly and plants a kiss on Arricks temple. Arry just throws him a watery half smile, looking shell-shocked, exhausted, and somehow completely out of his depth in this moment.

  ‘Thanks Jake… I love you.’ Arrick lets go of me and gives Jake a proper hug, it’s a weird moment, something I don’t see very often, and they pat each other’s backs in a very manly way. I can’t deny the close bond between them when I see them this way with each other.

  ‘Love you too asshole. Stop upsetting my god daughter or you will have me to deal with. You know better than this shit Arry.’ He pushes him in the shoulder, catching him by the back of the neck to plant another kiss on his baby brother’s forehead and turns to go. He throws another kiss on my cheek.

  ‘I know…. Trust me… I know.’ Arrick eyes me warily and hauls me back in for another round of squeezing and kissing, only this time he lassoes my head with his arm and pulls my mouth against his to just stay that way. Not really kissing, just face planting us together and breathing me in with closed eyes. Clearly no intention of giving me any breathing space anytime soon, despite the fact I suddenly need to pee, and I want to get these grubby clothes off my skin. I slide my arms around his upper body and just hold on tight.

  We don’t see them leave, first I know when he lets me go is that we’re alone and I guess, like his bodyguard of old, they have gone elsewhere to guard this apartment from a distance; discreetly, non-evasive. I know all it will take is a call or even stepping outside to be flanked by men in suits. I remember this from the first years I knew him. When Giovanni was paranoid that his sons were going to be targets for kidnapping or harm and now it makes sense why he would even assume anyone would want to hurt them. There’s so much about this family I don’t want to know about at all.

  I feel glad knowing that they are out there now, keeping me safe. I need safe right now, I just need to be here and cocooned in normal.

  * * *

  I walk out of the bathroom, draped in his fluffy robe, free of grime, city smells and chaos. Refreshed by the shower I told him I needed to take alone, and I feel less surreal. I needed some head space to process this stuff, and even though he was reluctant to let me out of his sight, he agreed, as long as I knew he would be charging in if I took too long. I didn’t doubt he would.

  He's sat on the bed when I walk out, his phone in his hand and his knees propped up holding it. He sees me and slides his legs down, leaning over to put his phone on his docking station and motions for me to come to him with a look of complete exhaustion on that face. I climb up on the bed without hesitation, shimmy into his open arms, curling up beside him to sit up against his chest and snuggle into muscles that just fit so perfectly around me.

  ‘Your friend is okay, she’s in the hospital under Alexi’s care. He says not to worry about her anymore.’ Arry cuddles me in, kisses the top of my head and I just nod, filled with relief and getting some comfort for that at least. I don’t want to talk about her right now. I just want my day to feel normal, like none of this happened at all.

  ‘You decided to camp on your bed and wait for me?’ I ask blinking up at him with a smile, he looks normal now. Like he’s washed his face, calmed down his inner chaos and even his hair. He has fresh clothes on too, and it’s only now I realise that he had been wearing last night’s clothes when I walked in here earlier. Arrick was never the type to fall to pieces and neglect his appearance like that, it just reinforces everything I mean to him and I just get that gut aching gnaw of guilt that I could ever doubt that.

  ‘I wanted to be close to you… In case you needed me.’ He looks back seriously and I am glad to see that he seems more pulled together and no more tears. He is back to being my cool and calm Arry, stable and chilled, hiding the war of emotions he keeps below the surface and I finally feel more at peace. He’s my stability, my constant level, and when he falls apart then I suddenly don’t know how to be. I never realised before how much I need that side of him to be this way.

  ‘You’re lame.’ I sigh and turn my face, so I can snuggle against his heart beat, listening to its lulling rhythm and feeling so utterly drained. I know there’s a world of stuff we should say, I should apologise.

  ‘I know baby…. You make me lame though. I really know how to make a mess of everything when it comes to you. I couldn’t live without you Sophie.’ My heart tugs at the suddenly raw way it comes out of his mouth and his eyes narrow a little as he fights back fresh emotions. I sigh heavily, my heart aching with so much that I feel is between us right now, closing my eyes, using his steady breathing and heartbeat to keep me grounded and hope all this intensity will float away and leave us back to being how we were before any of last night or this morning happened. I want to forget all of it.

  ‘I’m sorry about last night. About how I acted, the things I said.’ I feel that familiar tug in my throat, the inability to talk about this without getting close to tears. All I did in the car coming here, was think about how stupid I was, how horribly I acted and how many times I felt I had a right to lay hands on him. Hitting him isn’t okay, it’s never okay and I wonder if I need to go back to my counsellor to readdress the anger issues. The impulsive need in me to lash out when pain is inflicted upon me. The aggressive side to me that I have little control over.

  ‘Don’t Soph’s …. Look at me.’ Arrick sits up and helps manoeuvre me to sit up too so we are face to face as he strokes my cheek, brushing back my damp hair and focusing his eyes on mine.

  ‘You have nothing to be sorry for baby… I did all of that. I made last night happen. It was all my fault, all of it, even the way you blew up and went off the charts.’ He leans in and kisses my forehead softly, strokes my face and pulls back to rest against my head, regarding me with a pained expression.

  ‘You didn’t make me act like a prized jealous bitch Arrick.’ I look away, but he tilts my face back by the chin. Not letting me away and tightening his arm that is around my shoulders.

  ‘Yes, I did! … This is all I thought about when I was walking the streets of New York trying t
o find you. I came back Sophie, literally got to my apartment and thought, ‘what the fuck am I doing?’ I realised that I left you, after telling you a million times I never would, and hightailed right back to you, baby. I ran all the way, because I knew I was wasting time looking for a cab, feeling like the biggest asshole going and knowing I was just fucking things up more than I have already. Losing you all over again.’ He narrows his eyes, furrows his brows and nudges his nose a little closer, just wanting me close enough to feel against his entire face. His husky tone betrays how close to breaking he is and it only fuels the deep welt inside of me and urges my eyes to mist up.

  ‘You haven’t been fucking things up, I have. By being insecure and jealous and stupid whenever she calls you.’ I answer softly, full of regret and hating that is how we even got here. If I hadn’t acted that way then he would have told me about Miami while he was still there, he would have kept me dancing after arguing with Miranda and then we would have gone home together and snuggled up in bed and none of this morning would have happened.

  ‘No, stop that and listen.…. This is me, all on me…I should have cut ties from day one of being with you, I should have told you about Miami as soon as she showed up. I see that now. I kept thinking doing the right thing was how to play it and all I was doing was making it harder for you to trust me again. I’ll never keep anything from you again, I swear. I need to stop putting my own stupid needs over what you need from me, stop thinking about how it makes me look and just start realising it hurts you. All of this is because of me, last night was just the climax to you holding it all in for weeks baby. I know you, you’re not irrational and jealous with other women I know…Just her. It should have been a neon sign that I needed to do a better job at making you feel loved and secure Sophie.’ He swallows hard, that tinge of upset and emotion clawing away at him as he sighs heavily against me. So many emotions warring across his face and his eyes have returned to green speckles and flecks that are insanely intense.

  ‘You do make me feel loved, you go above and beyond to make me feel like I am the centre of your world.’ I try to defend him against himself, truly adoring him in every way and hating that he’s trying to blame himself for everything. He can’t just dismiss the fact I attacked her and him last night. I know I have responsibility in this too, I can’t always blame him for how I behave.

  ‘You are the centre of my world Sophie. You have no idea. When I couldn’t find you last night, I called Jake freaking out. I didn’t know where you would go, where you would be. I was going crazy with so many possibilities and the thought of how many girls get attacked in the city every day, so he flew out to help look. I must have called you twenty times and just begged you to answer. I called Christian and Jenny too and no one knew where you were.’ He squeezes me a little tighter, looking lost in memory and distraught at how it had felt.

  ‘Seventeen times.’ I giggle, tears in my eyes and he smiles too, breaking that heart wrenching expression apart.

  ‘I needed air and time to walk…Clear my head. I put my cell on silent as I really didn’t think you would call or even come back. I didn’t know you were looking for me.’ I answer him honestly, untangling myself from him and managing to sit up properly, overheated from his embrace while I am in a heavy robe in a very warm apartment. He lets me go but catches my hand and draws it into his, playing with my fingers gently and tracing the marks littered across it.

  ‘That right there! … Not thinking I would; not expecting that I would. It’s proof that I’m not making you feel like you’re all that matters to me. That I’m failing to make you believe that I will always come back for you. I was pissed and drunk, thinking like an asshole…. All it took was walking into this apartment without you and I realised how wrong this all was. I love you…More than I can ever express, because I don’t know how else to say it. Those three words just don’t seem to be enough for the level of emotion I have for you. I will never just stop loving you, no matter how mad we get at each other. You make me better, you complete my life; without you Sophie, I don’t know how to breathe or just be. I need you more than you will ever know.’ The intensity of those perfect soft brown eyes locked on mine take my breath away, tears rolling down my chin with the sheer truth behind them. I can’t deny how much he loves me when he looks at me like this. How much I need him too. He just breaks me apart inside in every way.

  ‘I know you love me. I just know that sometimes I make it impossible to love me.’ I look away from him, so he doesn’t see how ashamed I am for everything I do to him. He tugs at my hand as he gets up on his knees and faces me, sliding down to mirror my upright pose and angles in so he’s back in my face, kissing me softly on the lips.

  ‘No, you don’t. You’re far too easy to love, that’s my downfall. Even when you’re acting out and getting hellcat on me. I love you so much it rips my head apart.’ He strokes my cheek and brushes a thumb across my mouth, bringing my eyes back to him.

  ‘I text Natasha and told her I’m done with her. To stay away and leave me alone. I saw another side to this whole thing last night, saw a side to her that I never knew existed and it just made me realise that I’m hurting you for a girl that isn’t worth the effort. She’s gone, she’s not going to be an issue and I blocked her cell number, so she can’t even respond.’ He searches my gaze for a response and I just feel overwhelmed suddenly. That he would do that for me, even though I never asked him to. I have wanted it for so long but knew my reasons were so selfish, yet he’s done it anyway. My eyes fill with tears at the thought that he really is choosing me over her, properly this time.

  ‘Really…. You’re done with her?’ I whisper softly, more tears slide over my cheek, he lifts my chin, brushes it away and kisses the path it travelled so very tenderly that it warms my insides up.

  ‘I honestly am… She can hate me if she wants. I don’t care anymore. I only care about you, and us; our life, and making you happy. I asked Jake to take over the medical details and deal with her directly, told him I don’t want to know anymore, and he agrees. He pointed out how dumb I am to ever keep her involved when I was trying to get you to trust me again. I know I screwed up Sophie. Last night was a massive lightning bolt to the brain that finally made me see sense… I know this is all on me. I’m going to do better baby… Where you’re concerned, I am going to try so much harder.’ He pulls me onto his lap, not happy with the brief touch he has on me and pulls my legs to wrap around his waist, not even catching a quick perve under my robe as it splays open to reveal naked me underneath.

  ‘You already make me happy. You don’t need to do more. I am happy.’ I smile when he leans in and kisses me on the mouth more intently, a deep kiss, parting my lips and making every part of me tingle with the emotion it pulls through me. I can never doubt how he feels when he kisses me like this, it’s so much more than those three little words and it heals so many wounds. Lost in each other for a moment and erasing so many tears and pains that we inflicted one another in the early hours. I completely forgive him for all of that and more. He breaks away, staying close and watching me with unveiled adoration.

  ‘I love you.’ He lifts my hand and plays with my fingers in his, eyes flittering down to look at the bruised mess on my hand, gently tracing them with a frown. I know that later we should talk about Camilla, but for now he’s my only focus.

  ‘I love you more.’ I say honestly, without hesitation and his eyes dart back to mine in sudden surprise. Immediate filling of moisture and a slight furrow of the brow. He falters, swallows hard and clears his throat, completely overcome.

  ‘You mean that?’ He seems suddenly so much more fragile and I nod, equally welling up at how he’s reacting to something I used to say all the time. Something I always felt for him and hoped he knew I still felt for him.

  ‘I mean it. I always have, even when I didn’t see you anymore. I always will.’ I sniff through a smile as tears let loose again and then we’re both nose to nose, equally tear sodden and over emotional.
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  ‘I never realised how much I have needed to hear it until now…. Say it again.’ Arricks voice breaks as a tear falls from his lashes and I wipe it away with my fingertips this time, loving him so much more than I ever felt possible. Aching to just make him feel the way he makes me feel.

  ‘I love you.’ I whisper softly as his arms come around me and yank me tightly to his body, kissing me fiercely and almost crushing the life out of me once more.

  Chapter 28

  I lose my courage and turn back to Arricks car once more, aiming for the door, but he catches me from behind and turns me back around, keeping his arms around my waist and shoving me forward to walk slowly.

  ‘We’re doing this… My mom will probably not react like you think she will.’ He is trying to get me up the drive of his parents’ house. The entire drive here I tried to talk him and myself in and out of doing this, my nerves are frayed, my emotions a mess and I am losing all courage. I feel like I am going to be sick or pass out and maybe just want to stay in his car and hide.

  Or go home, we could just go home.

  ‘It’s not just her, its facing everyone, knowing that my mom has told them all. That they all probably know the stuff we get up to now. How they’re all going to react. It’s awful.’ I beg him, tensing against him to try and stop our descent down the drive. He just keeps pushing me onwards, not letting me go, and not backing down.

  ‘Where’s my little warrior huh? She is fearless in the face of tough times; pretty sure you can get used to the family knowing that we have sex Sophie. What happens if you ever get pregnant? Are you going to tell them it was immaculate conception?’ He chuckles and bumps my ass with his groin when I stop suddenly, urging me on and not giving into me. Arrick is trying to keep me moving, despite me digging my heels in, pushing my butt into his groin again to stop him, but he’s too strong.