by Frankie Love
I swat his hand away. Maybe some guys could get away with touching my tummy — but Tommy doesn’t say it to be sweet. He is a jerk, something I’m beginning to realize as we spend more time together.
“You know, if you don’t want to come, you don’t have to,” I tell him. We’ve only been dating a few months. And dating is a relative term. He has never actually taken me out anywhere.
But I asked Tommy before I knew Russet would be here.
Now I feel like this is all wrong.
“What and miss a home cooked meal?” He scowls. “Hell no. I’m coming in.”
“Won’t your parent miss you?” I ask. When we first met I thought he was the whole package. He had a car. Was going to college. And had family around. Turns out, none of that really matters. He’s kind of a jerk. And money doesn’t make a man.
I swallow.
I know what makes a man.
A real man.
“Nah. I’ll go swing by their place later, for dessert.”
“Alright. Just … be nice.”
“God, you’re acting so uptight. What’s the deal?”
We get out of the car and I straighten my dark green dress. It has yellow and orange leaves embroidered on the neckline. Leaves I embroidered myself. I wanted to look extra nice today.
Well, and my lacy bra and panty set might say I want to look more than nice.
Why in the world am I bringing Tommy?
As I walk to the door, I know why. Tommy is my armor today. I haven’t seen Russet since he left for boot camp … the day he turned down my heart. The day he walked away.
In the end, those kisses all summer, those caresses, the way his calloused fingers laced with mine, meant nothing.
I’m scared to see him again. Scared of the emotions I might have.
Tommy wraps an arm around my waist. “You look hot in that little dress. Maybe later we can finally hook up. For reals.”
I swallow, reaching to open the screen door. Knowing there is literally no way I am sleeping with Tommy. Ever.
I haven’t saved my virginity all this time to share it with him.
Pushing open the door I pray that this isn’t awkward. I never told my brother or Mom about how Russet broke my heart … and honestly? I don’t want them to know.
I was mortified when he left me. I was so ready to share my life with him, go all in.
He left.
The moment we step inside, we’re greeted with the most amazing smells. Mom really outdid herself, but I know she really wanted to make it special for Russet, especially in light of his bravery this past month.
If I wasn’t good enough for him before, it’s a whole new level now. Now he is a hero. And when I look up and see him walking in the room — I know he’s more than a hero.
He was my first love.
It’s the truth: I loved him.
Love him.
I always have and I fear I always will.
And he is so, so, hot today. His button-up shirt strains at the shoulders and biceps in a way that sends a tingle up and down my spine. His hair is shaved short on the sides, but just long enough on tip to run your hands through. My fingers itch to touch him.
“Autumn,” he says. “It’s been so long.” He pulls me into a hug. A hug Tommy or Grayson would think is friendly. A regular old ‘my older brother’s best friend is home from active duty’ hug.
But it is so much more than that.
He smells like he just stepped out a shower. Gone is the cigarette smoke on his clothes, the bottle of beer in his hand. But those were never really his smells. They were his defenses against a world that beat him up and broke him down.
Now, I breathe him in and it sends a current of familiarity over me. Old Spice and maple syrup, and if I could kiss his lips I bet I’d taste the lingering pancakes he ate for breakfast. He always had a sweet tooth.
He holds me, and I know then he is breathing me in too. And I want the room to disappear. For Tommy to have never come and Grayson and Mom to walk into the kitchen, and I want to ask him why he never wrote. Never called. Never tried.
When he steps back, and I look into his eyes, I know the answer to those questions will have to wait. His eyes are already glassy and we’ve hardly said a word.
“I missed you,” I tell him. It’s the simple truth, the heart of it. I’ve missed Russet for four years and I’m tired of waiting for him to come home.
He is here now.
“Oh, sweetheart, you look so nice,” Mom says, giving me a big hug. She purses her lips when she sees Tommy. She isn’t a fan.
“It smells really good, Ms. Wood,” Tommy says, giving her a smile.
She pats him on the shoulder, she may not be thrilled he’ at the table, but she isn’t going to be unkind, it isn’t her way. “I’m glad to hear it Tommy, I’ve been working in the kitchen all morning.”
“I offered to come help,” I say.
“I know, dear, but you know how I am about my kitchen, it’s about the only place in this world I feel like I can relax and have some fun.”
I look at my mother. “You know I love cooking as much as you do, I think I’m gonna have to get my own family if I ever want to make a holiday meal.”
Mom laughs, and she knows it’s true. She’s never going to pass on the apron-baton.
My mom raised us on her own, working at the county courthouse her entire adult life, taking care us and making sure all our needs were met. I’m so lucky to have her.
“Anyways, kids, dinner is ready. Grayson, Tommy, will you help me carry in the food?”
They shuffle into the kitchen and I pull off my coat, hanging it at the end of the hall. When I turn, Russet is there. It’s dark in the hallway, and he steps closer and I can’t think or breathe. I just want. I want him.
Always him.
“I’m sorry, Autumn. For leaving. I’ve missed you. So damn bad.”
“Don’t start this if you aren’t going to finish it,” I say, trying to protect myself.
“I deserve that, and more,” he says, stepping close enough that I could wrap my arms around his neck, sink against his chest. Never let go.
“No you don’t,” I say. “You’re a hero now. And … I never expected you to come back … back for me.”
“I’m here now. And I know what I want.”
I don’t want to cry. Not here, not in front of everyone. I blink furiously, scared of saying too much and having him run off again. I don’t want him to go. I never did.
But also, I don’t want to hide behind the truth, be something I’m not. There is no denying who I am at my core.
His.
“Well, I still want the same things,” I tell him, refusing to get my hopes up. “It hasn’t changed.”
“Before I left,” he says, “you said you wanted to be my wife, to have my babies. You were so young. You really still want the same things?”
I nod.
“I don’t care if it sounds lame. I always believed in you, Russet. In us.”
“And you want to make a life with me?” He wraps an arm around my waist. He is no longer a nineteen year old boy. He is a man. His hands are big, he knows how to hold me. I don’t want him to let me go.
“I want to make you a Thanksgiving dinner in our own house. Mashed potatoes. Plenty of gravy.”
“I’m the one who can give you the real gravy, Autumn.” His mouth is on my ear. The day has changed so quickly. One minute I’m annoyed with Tommy, and the next I am in the arms of the man I love.
“What kind of gravy?” I ask, my heart pounding, my pussy aching. I want Russet. Right now.
“Baby gravy,” he growls. “I want to fill you up with it, girl, so damn bad.”
Then his lips are on mine and I forget about the turkey and the green bean casserole. I forget the candied yams and the buttery rolls.
He kisses me and all I want to taste is his mouth on mine.
Russet
Her lips are like pillows of mashed potatoes. Fluffy and warm
. I kiss her soft, knowing my girl has been hurt enough by me already, and the last thing she needs right now is for me to go rough.
Her lips part, and her tongue finds mine and I melt like butter against her. I’m back to where we were four years ago. Her soft, supple body pressed against mine while we explore one another down by the river.
We never went all the way.
But now? Now I’m prepared to go to the ends of the earth to win her back.
“What the fuck?” Her dumbass boy toy, or whoever the shit he is, Tommy, flicks on the lights in the hall, shouting at us. “What the hell, Autumn? You keep your knees closed for me but five seconds in and you’ll let this jarhead face-fuck you?”
I lift my eyebrows. What the hell is he thinking, yelling at my girl like this?
“You can’t talk to Autumn that way,” I say, stepping towards him.
“Who the hell do you think you are? Telling me what I can and can’t do?” Tommy yells.
“She can tell you herself,” I say, stepping out of the hallway and into the living room.
“Tell him what?” Lindy asks, Grayson following her. I see the table has been set — it looks so damn nice; perfect, really, and I hate the idea of ruining any of this hard work.
Hell, it’s what I always do, isn’t it? Ruin the good things the world offers me?
“Mom,” Autumn says, wiping the tears from her eyes. “I’m sorry, this is totally out of character, and I don’t want to ruin your day …”
“What’s going on?” Grayson asks, looking at me. “What happened?”
“I’m in love,” Autumn says. Her words are so soft, so tender and sweet that my hard heart shatters, but not in a broken way — in a bigger way. There isn’t just one thing to love about Autumn — there are a million ways to love her. A million pieces of glass that aren’t sharp, they are clear. You can see through the shards and at the center is her pure heart.
She knew what she wanted at eighteen and I was a fool to doubt her clarity.
She knew.
She knows.
She fucking loves me.
“I love you too,” I say, turning to her. “I fucked it up before but I won’t again.”
“I know,” she says. She believes in me with a faith I don’t deserve, but hell, it’s the kind of faith I need.
Her.
“You love this asshole?” Tommy asks, his eyes flashing with anger.
“I do,” she says plainly, without apology. “I’m sorry to have ruined your day, but it’s never going to happen. It never was going to happen. I’ve loved Russet for as long as I’ve known what love could be.”
“This is fucked up,” Tommy says, grabbing his coat. He pulls open the door, and before he leaves, he turns to Lindy. “Thanks, for having me. You’re solid, Ms. Wood, but your daughter?” He shakes his head. “She’s a tease.”
He leaves, and the room goes silent.
I want to pull Autumn into my arms, to hold her against me and never let go, but Grayson and Lindy are staring at us, shocked and confused, and they deserve an explanation.
“Well for goodness sakes,” Lindy says. “Dinner is ready. Come eat, and explain yourselves.”
We sit down, the four of us, Autumn and I across from one another, Lindy between us. Tommy’s empty chair an eyesore. Grayson stands and removes it from the table, the plate and silverware too, because it’s awkward as hell just sitting there like that.
“This looks so good, Mom,” Grayson says as we begin passing platters of food around. No one replies and I know everyone is just trying to wrap their minds around the fight that just took place in the living room. Tension was high and I was this close to punching Tommy if he said one more shitty thing.
I’m glad it didn’t come to that. For all of the Woods. They don’t need my bullshit.
Once our plates are piled high with fresh cranberry sauce, sweet potatoes, stuffing — the works — Lindy tells us to hold hands and bow our heads.
Lindy’s hand is warm in mine, and she squeezes it ever so lightly. “Dear Lord, thank you for bringing us together today, and for helping remind us what truly matters. Amen.”
“Amen,” we repeat. None of us are exactly religious, but today, I guess, there is a higher power at work. Somewhere, somehow, here I am. Holding Autumn’s hand and knowing she loves me the way I love her.
There is plenty to be grateful for.
“So,” Grayson says, looking between his sister and me. “So you guys are in love?”
I look across the table at Autumn. Her eyes are bright and so damn beautiful. Turning to my oldest friend, I ask, “Is there going to be a problem with that?”
Grayson exchanges a look with his mother. “If you hurt her, yeah.”
“I won’t. I mean, I won’t ever again.”
Grayson’s eyebrows knit together. “You saying you’ve hurt my little sister before?”
My jaw tightens, I set down my fork. “Yeah, before I left for the Marines, I pretty much broke Autumn’s heart.”
Lindy gasps. “Is that true, sweetheart?” she asks her daughter. “You and Russet were a thing?”
Autumn’s cheeks burn. She licks her lips, that cute pink tongue of hers reminding me just how innocent my girl is. “Not really. I wanted to be, but Russet …”
“What did you to her?” Grayson asks, getting protective, just like he should. I wouldn’t think I’d see anything less. He is a good man, loyal and knows what matters. Family.
“I was a fool,” I say. “And I left scared. Autumn was ready to marry me … but I was a stupid kid without any understanding of what really matters in life. Autumn believed in me before I believed in myself and … well that is why I came back. To try and find out if there was a sliver in her heart that might still hold space for me.”
“There’s more than a sliver, Russet,” she says, reaching across the table for my hand. “You can have the whole thing.”
“Oh you two,” Lindy says, covering her mouth. “I just had no idea, all this time …”
“I didn’t want to deceive you, Mom,” Autumn says. “Or you, Grayson. But when Russet left I was so embarrassed … that he didn’t want me.”
Pain seizes my heart, my regret damn deep. “I wish I hadn’t needed to leave to know I wanted to stay.”
Autumn’s eyes reach the torn up places in my heart. “You had wild oats to sow,” she says. “That doesn’t matter. What matters is that you came back.”
“I love you, Autumn, so damn much. I know we’re here, in front of your family, that we haven’t spoken in four years, that we’re sitting at a table with a turkey and mashed potatoes and plenty of gravy — but I have to say it. I have to say it now.”
“Say what?” she asks, but I know she knows.
She knows me.
“I want to make a life with you, give you a family, make a home. I love you, Autumn.” I reach into my pocket, and pull out a diamond ring. It glitters and shines, reflecting all the love I have to her. “Marry me, be my wife. I’m a better man for knowing you, I can’t imagine what I might be if I had you by my side, for better or for worse.”
“Till death do us part,” she whispers, tears filling her eyes.
“Is that a yes?”
She nods and then looks at her brother and mother for affirmation. They’re dumbstruck and smiling, and I know we have their blessing.
“It’s a yes, Russet. It’s all my dreams come true.”
I take her hand, and over the gravy boat and the green bean casserole, I slip the gold band on her finger.
“I love you, Autumn,” I say, standing and walking around the table, pulling my fiancée in my arms. She is all I’ve wanted since the day I left. And now, she is mine.
Grayson clears his throat. “Well, hell.” He leaves for the kitchen and grabs drinks. He hands me a beer and then pours his mom and Autumn glasses of white wine.
Then he raises his bottle. “Mom said grace, I’d like to make a toast. That’s a Thanksgiving thing, isn’t it?”
>
“It can be,” Lindy says, pulling her little girl into a tenderhearted hug.
Grayson nods. “You were always like family. And now, I suppose you really are. You take care of my sister, you hear? But hell, I don’t think I could wish my little sis to have a better man.”
His words mean more than he knows. I’ve never had family that stood up for me, stood by me.
But as he clinks his bottle to mine, I think maybe that isn’t true. Maybe he does know how much this means to me.
“Okay, kids, you need to eat,” Lindy says, wiping her eyes with a napkin. “I spent all day on this food.”
I give Lindy a hug. “Thank you,” I say. “Not just for dinner, but for giving me a second chance at a family. At love.”
“You’re going to make her cry,” Autumn says, beaming up at me.
“Too late,” Lindy says, dapping her eyes. “Now I mean it, this dinner isn’t going to eat itself.” Then looking at the table, she exclaims. “Oh, I forgot salt and pepper.”
Grayson follows her into the kitchen claiming he needs to find the carving knife, even though the turkey is already sliced. I think they just wanted to give us a moment alone.
I’ll take it. I pull Autumn close so I can whisper in her ear. “I’m saving most of my appetite for dessert.” I pinch her ass, and she bites her lip.
“I know,” she says with a smile. “But I’ve saved myself all this time so you could be my first course.”
I growl in her ear, so ready to have my way with her.
Autumn
After we clean up from dinner, Grayson falls asleep on the couch in a food coma, and Mom says she’d like to close her eyes for a few minutes before dessert.
“Russet and I are going to go on a walk, if that’s okay?”
Mom pats my arm. “Oh, sweetheart, you don’t have to ask permission. You’re a grown woman.” Then taking my hand in hers, she admires the glittering ring. “An engaged woman to boot.”
“Are you hurt I kept it from you? That I shared a summer with Russet after high school?”
Mom sighs. “I trust you had your reasons, but sweetheart, I would have loved to be a shoulder to cry on.”