by Carrie Lange
As the boys grew, so did their love for Angelica. Their father would swat his straw hat at them as they ran through the vines. “Get! Go, children and play in the sunshine.” For his back was bent from toiling in the vineyard, and he knew that a child’s love grew when their backs were straight.
Desiderio taught Angelica how to tell when the grapes were ripe, and how to pick them without bruising them, and how to tie the vines.
Amadeo taught her how to catch butterflies without tearing their wings, and how to build mounds of dirt under shade trees for worms to live in.
At night they looked up at the stars. Amadeo said, “Angelica, Someday I will give you one of those stars.”
And Desiderio said, “You will not give her anything, brother. For one day she will be my wife.”
When Desiderio was twelve and Amadeo was eleven their mother, whom they both loved more than anything else in the world, died while giving birth. Their new born sister also died, but not before their mother had a chance to cradle her in her arms.
The grapes wilted on the vines that summer, and their father’s face was careworn and the wine bitter. Desiderio said, “Now I understand the meaning of my name, for I have never known sorrow until this day.”
“Not so, my brother,” Amadeo said. “You do not understand, for your name also means yearning. And your yearning is for this earth and these vines. Here, is where your heart lies.”
All the harder the brothers had to work so that the vineyard would recover. For five years they toiled in the sun and the rain and the wind. And the vines grew strong again, and the wine was good again. The winegrower’s face was still weathered and had more wrinkles then before, but was no longer careworn.
Amadeo worked alongside his brother, but while Desiderio bent his back and kept his head down toward the earth, which he loved, Amadeo still chased butterflies. And he dreamed of one day finding out what was on the other side of the rolling green vineyards and away over the mountain.
~~~~~
At this time, in a distant country, there was a war raging. And God would forgive the sins of any man who fought for him in this war.
Desiderio’s sin had been that he loved his mother more than he loved God. And God had punished him by taking his mother away. So, he left the vineyards to fight for God, so that his sin would be forgiven.
“When I return,” he said to Angelica, “I will be a righteous man, and I will marry you.”
As he left for that distant country, Angelica cried and Amadeo put his arms around her and said to her, “It’s okay. Desi will come back.”
Three years passed, and Desiderio did not come back.
As often happens, a boy’s words of comfort to a girl became, instead, words of love.
Amadeo’s sin was that he loved Angelica more than he loved his brother. And when Desiderio left, Amadeo prayed that he would never return.
Amadeo would travel to the Monastery to hear news of who was returning from the war. For over two years, there was no news of Desiderio. But in the third year, there had been news. Desiderio was retuning.
Amadeo cursed his brother’s name and told his father and Angelica that Desiderio had died.
The winegrower, believing his eldest son dead, gave his marriage blessings to Amadeo and Angelica.
On their wedding day, Amadeo said to Angelica, “My brother, who loved this earth and these vines, traveled away from here and found his destiny on the other side of the mountain. And I, who thought my destiny lay on the other side of the mountain, have found my heat here in this earth and these vines and in your love.”
~~~~~
Desiderio fought many battles, and killed many men in the name of God. The men he fought shouted, “Bismi Allah!” as they died on his sword. And when he asked what this meant, someone told him they were shouting “in the name of God”.
This troubled Desiderio’s heart, as he looked at their blood on his sword and on his hands. The color of their skin was different, as was their language. But the color of their blood, and the words they shouted as they died, were the same.
Desiderio did not find forgiveness.
“Truly I understand my name now, for my spirit is full of sorrow.”
But his name also meant yearning, and he yearned for Angelica and Amadeo and his father. And he yearned for the earth and the vineyard that was his home.
~~~~~
A week before Desiderio arrived home, the winegrower died peacefully in his sleep. When he got to Heaven, his wife and his daughter were waiting for him. But he was surprised to find that his eldest son was not.
Desiderio, grief stricken that he had missed his father’s burial, and that his brother had married Angelica, and that he had spent three years killing men in the name of God, drew his sword and brandished it at Amadeo. “You, who were my brother, stole the woman who was to be my wife! Now, you are no brother to me!”
Amadeo held his hands up and said, “My brother, forgive me!”
Desiderio said, “I have searched for forgiveness for three years and found none. Neither shall you find forgiveness.”
Angelica stepped before Desiderio and said, “Amadeo is your brother, and my husband, and I love him.”
When Desiderio heard this, his heart broke, and he was filled with a sorrow so dark that it filled his spirit with shadow. He pushed Angelica aside and he ran his sword through Amadeo’s heart.
Amadeo gasped for breath as Desiderio withdrew his sword. Crimson streams of blood ran down his chest and from his mouth and nose. Falling to the floor, his choking, struggle for life assaulted Desiderio and he looked away.
Angelica cradled Amadeo’s head in her arms and looked at Desiderio with venom in her eyes. “Your spirit is black as tar! And forever more, your name shall be.”
And with Amadeo’s last breath, he whispered, “Forgive me, my brother.”
~~~~~
And so, Amadeo died, and Tar buried him beside his mother and father and sister. He did know true sorrow, but not forgiveness, for still he would not forgive his brother.
When Amadeo died, he did not meet his mother and father and sister, for he did not go to Heaven. He remained by Angelica’s side and tried to comfort her. And he stayed by his brother’s side and sought forgiveness.
For many days, Angelica wept. “Your brother begs forgiveness, Tar. His sorrow has bound him to you, and he cannot let go unless you release him.”
But Tar would not release him. And when Amadeo’s spirit came to his brother to ask forgiveness, Tar said, “I am not your brother, I am only Tar. And you are nothing more to me than your final gasping death rale. That is all I see of you in my thoughts, and that is all you will ever be to me.”
Amadeo tried to comfort Angelica. “Weep not, my wife, for I have seen white shores and one day we will be reunited there. It will be but a moment, and all of eternity will lie before us.”
Angelica, in her grief, threw her body upon Tar’s sword so that she would be reunited with Amadeo. When she died, her spirit fled toward Amadeo. But their spirits barely touched before she raced past him, to those distant, white shores. For Angelica had let go of life, and there was nothing left in that mortal abode that bound her.
When Tar found Angelica’s body, his sorrow deepened and he wept bitter tears and he cried out. “Rale, you haunted her as you haunt me and because of you she is dead!”
“Forgive me, my brother,” Rale said, “so that I may flee this place and join my wife on the white shores, which I have seen in my dreams! For she awaits me there, along with our mother and father and sister.”
Tar cursed his brother’s name. “Rale! You shall never join them on those white shores. And you shall never have peace. For I shall not forgive you. You have killed Angelica, as surely as you have killed me!”
And with that last curse upon his lips, Tar flung his body upon his sword and died beside Angelica.
But Tar did not go to Heaven. A voice whispered to him and told him to let go of his brother’s betra
yal against him, but Tar would not. So he sat on the edge of Heaven and dreamed. Sometimes, he thought he heard a voice calling his name, and he would awaken and journey to the edge of the world, but the suffering of the world darkened his spirit, and he turned away.
And Rale did not go to Heaven either. A voice whispered to him and told him to let go of his betrayal against his brother, but Rale would not. So he sat on the edge of the world and watched the suffering. Sometimes, he heard a voice calling his name, his real name. And he would journey to the edge of Heaven, but the light burned his darkened spirit and he turned away.
Chapter 52
Tar removed his hands from Dan’s head, and they regarded each other quietly for a moment. Dan licked his dry lips, and Tar ran one hand across his forehead.
He turned away and spoke to Dan over his shoulder. “Well. Now you know how I died.”
“Tar.” Dan winced when he said the name. “I...I don’t know what to say. I...I’m sorry.”
Tar turned back. “Why in the world would you be sorry?”
Not knowing how to express all the sorrow in his heart, Dan shook his head. “I’m … sorry I didn’t know your real name. I wish you had introduced yourself with it when we first met. Why didn’t you?”
“Why didn’t you introduce yourself with your real name? Didn’t you tell me you preferred Daniel? Why don’t you use it?”
Dan nodded. “You know, I thought you were an angel when we first met. I thought you might even be God. Isn’t that funny?”
Tar chuckled. “It was funny. You didn’t think so at the time, though.”
“But Tar.” Dan took a few steps toward him and Tar took a step back. Dan stopped and held his hands out. “If you could only see yourself the way I see you, hear the way your voice sounds. You have this...this...I don’t know, radiance. When you smile, or laugh, it has this...I don’t know how to describe it. It has an effect on me. What is it?”
Tar smiled one of those smiles that means a person is weary, but glad that someone else is not. Being weary is different than being tired, or even being exhausted. When a person is weary, they don’t expect any amount of rest to heal them.
“Dan, I can’t tell you what it is that you see when you look at me. But I can show you.”
“Show me how? With another Vulcan Mind Meld?”
“No, you just have to follow me. And before you ask, yes, I will bring you right back here.”
“All right, if you promise.” A shiver of anticipation and fear raced up his spine and goose bumps rose on his arms. “Let’s go.”
This time, when Tar smiled, it was not a weary one. “I’m going to start walking. I want you to follow, and stay focused on me.”
Dan nodded, and Tar walked out the front door. They walked in silence, Tar in front, Dan behind. The bright sun shone down on lush green grass, and sparkled on the surface of the lake beside Anne’s apartment building.
An old goose with feathers missing and a torn wing looked up at Dan and, squawking and flapping its good wing, shuffled out of his path.
Dan paused and looked at it.
The old goose looked in Dan’s eyes and honked.
“Tar, can that goose see me?”
Tar stepped toward it, and the goose shifted its gaze to him. He reached out for the goose, and it hissed and ruffled what little remained of its feathers.
Tar nodded. “He’s almost here. Soon, he’ll be in goose Heaven.”
Tar began walking again, and Dan jogged to catch up. “There’s really such a thing as goose Heaven?”
“Of course there is. It’s just that it happens to be the same place as human Heaven.” Tar winked at him. “Behind me now. Stay focused on following me, or we’ll never get there.”
Dan slowed and trained his eyes on the back of Tar’s head. As they walked, the scenery around him faded. He soon found himself surrounded by gauzy greyness that clung to him and brushed the surface of his skin. In the distance, something glinted and shimmered. The ground under him became springy and when he stepped down, a squelching noise rose up. Looking at his feet, he saw damp earth.
A feeling of recognition, or déjà vu crept through his thoughts. He looked around for something familiar, but he had never been here. The greyness grew lighter, and in the distance puddles of water covered the damp earth.
“Don’t step in them,” Tar said.
The farther they walked, the more numerous the puddles became. Tar maneuvered around them until they came upon a wide grassy bank beside a still lake. Surrounding the lake on either side of the bank, grew a dense forest. The lake stretched away into the distance, disappearing behind the curve of the trees.
Overhead, a fuzzy yellow sun shone through a foggy haze of grey. Shadows hung between the trees in the thick forest, but a glinting and shimmering lit like fireflies, spinning and tumbling among the dark shadows. A warm breeze carried the flowery scent of ginger, or cinnamon and caressed Dan’s face with a soft hand of silk.
The surface of the water gleamed like a sheet of polished silver. Tar stepped to the edge and looked down. “Come over here, and I will show you what it is that you see in me.”
The feeling of fear overtook the feeling of anticipation in Dan’s spirit. He took a step back, afraid of what he would see. Had Tar tricked him into coming here?
Despite what Tar had shown him of his life and death, there was something divine about Tar’s spirit. Tar had been redeemed, his spirit radiated that redemption. Was this a test? Meant to purge Dan’s spirit? What if he failed? What if there was no redemption for him? Would he become like Rale?
Tar held his hand out to Dan. “Come here and look. Do not be afraid.”
Dan bit his lip and nodded. If he failed, if there was no redemption for him, then he would accept his fate. He would not run away any longer. He took a step forward and looked down.
His own reflection looked up at him. But this was not the face he had seen in the mirror countless times in life. It was not the image he had avoided whenever possible, an unattractive, at times grotesque reflection of a man he loathed.
Yet, it was the same face. Why did it look so different now? He had not been redeemed. Not been forgiven.
There was no halo over Dan’s head, no billowy white robe, or choirs of angels. Yet here, in his own reflection, he saw the same radiant glow, the same divine and perfect presence that he had seen in Tar.
As when a person marvels at the sound of their own voice played back to them, Dan marveled at his own mirror image. Often, a person will ask, “Is that really what I sound like?” And now Dan, unable to take his eyes off the image in the water, asked, “Is that really what I look like?”
The corners of his mouth turned up into a smile. He was beautiful.
“Yes,” Tar answered with a smile and a nod. “That is really what you look like. You’ve always looked like that.”
Dan blinked, and turned to Tar. “No. Not to you. When we first met, you said I looked like someone else entirely. Who did you see?”
Tar’s smile faltered. “Only a lost memory.”
“I don’t know what that means, Tar. Who did you see?”
Tar said nothing.
Turning back to the water, Dan found himself growing angry at the image of perfection he saw reflected back “No. I don’t deserve this. This is not who I am. What I did can’t be forgiven. Where is Hell? That’s where I want to go. That’s what I deserve.” He turned away from the water, and would not look back.
“There is no Hell, Dan. I told you that already. If you want to suffer for what you’ve done, then go back to the world. You’ll find all the suffering you require there.”
Dan clenched his fists. “Like Rale? Rale didn’t deserve Hell when he died, but I’ll wager he deserves it now. What does he see when he looks in the water?
“Rale won’t look in the water.”
Dan sighed, and decided to take a chance. “Why won’t you forgive him?”
Tar gave a little snort of derision. “Why
won’t you forgive yourself?”
“Why won’t you?”
They glared at each other for a moment, and then Tar laughed. “Yes, you’re right, I’m a bastard. But I never claimed to be anything more than a man who died. What you see when you look at me is neither radiant, nor divine. It is only a simple spirit, a spirit much like yourself.”
He pointed down to the water at Dan’s feet. “What you are looking in, is the pool of eternity.”
He swept his hand in the direction of the forest. “Past those woods is real Heaven. I’ve seen it, but I’ve never been. Do you want me to take you there?”
“I don’t deserve it.”
“Everyone deserves it.”
“Not everyone. Some people are cruel and heartless in life. They don’t deserve Heaven. You know what? This whole system is fucked up as far as I can tell. Why do some people have to suffer so much? Why do the people who cause all that suffering get to go to Heaven? No. They should be punished, damn it. It’s not fair.”
Tar smirked. “What happens to one, happens to all. What one spirit does, all spirits do. There is no separation between us, remember?”
“That’s bullshit, Tar. I never mur––”
His voice stumbled over the word, but he raised his head a little higher and looked pointedly in Tar’s eyes. “I never murdered anyone. Or tortured anyone. I never even kicked a dog when I was alive.”
Tar sighed and spoke with derision. “Yes, yes, when you were alive…Well, you aren’t alive anymore are you?”
“What the hell are you talking about?”
Tar threw his hands out and spun around on his heels. He looked down at the water, and then over at the trees. “It’s like…”
He turned back to Dan. “Would you consider yourself the same person now, that you were when you were ten years old?”
“No, of course not. I was a child then”
“Why are you different? Because you have grown into a man? That changed you into a different person, eh?”
“Yes, it did, actually. I’m definitely not the same person I was when I was a kid.”