by Carrie Lange
He pulled her head down and leaned her forehead against his. “I told you I would die with you, and I meant it. I still mean it. I will kill myself with you if that’s what you want. But I don’t want to die anymore. I want to live. And I want you to live too.”
Anne reached up to her face and pulled his hands down, leaning back, away from him. “What the hell are you talking about? I…I don’t understand.”
Chris looked down at their hands and bit his lip. When he looked at her again, she saw a fire smoldering in his eyes. She saw a kind of strength that she had never seen before. In his eyes, she saw a man.
He smiled. “They had a choice. Both of them. They chose to leave us. Right out the door, Anne. They opened it, and walked out on us. Maybe I should’ve known what Kim was doing to herself, but I didn’t know. Maybe Dan left you signs, maybe he wanted you to see, and save him. But you didn’t see.”
He put her hands together in a posture of prayer, his own hands covering hers. “If they had given us a choice - ‘help me, or I’m going to die’ - we would have helped them. Okay, we were stupid, we were blind, we were looking the other way while they were drowning. But they didn’t call out for help, either. Motive has to count for something. It’s the difference between life and death sometimes. Right now, there are people in our lives that are looking the other way and we’re drowning. We have a choice to make. Call for help, or walk out the door.”
Anne bowed her head, as thoughts raced through it. Living? Was that an option? Do I have a choice? Didn’t I already consider that possibility? High…I’m so fucking high… Where’s Rale?
She shook her head, trying to shake the confusion away and looked around the room. “Rale?”
There he was, standing in the corner, cloaked in shadows.
She pointed to him. “There. Do you see him? He’s standing right there in the corner.”
Chris reached up and took her face again. He turned her head back to look in his eyes. “There’s no one there, Anne. It’s just you and me.”
“No.” She pulled away from him and looked for Rale in the corner, but he was gone.
Chapter 56
My oh my, where did you go, when the summer rain had come?
Falling down, wetting ground, and my heart had felt the same.
Oh, you left and took to the sun.
Oh, I surmise the pressure was too much.
Was it money?
Were you lonely?
Was the pain too much to bear inside your head?
Well, peace, doesn’t come that easily.
Misery, to some can be the key to losing all one has
Self- respect, and the fact, that you’ve nothing more to lose.
Oh, your angry eyes were so blind.
Oh, I let you down and I apologize.
It’s a heartache
That you can’t face
And holding on hurts more than all the scars.
Well, peace doesn’t come that easily.
No. Peace doesn’t come that easily.
~ Peace (Doesn’t come that easily) ©1978 Mark Atteberry
~~~~~
Kim watched Chris as he stood in front of his rack of keyboards. The only sound was the thunking rhythm as his fingers pounded the keys in a furious and dizzy staccato, almost a melody of its own. The music he created as his fingers ran up and down over the keys, emanated faintly from the headphones he wore.
She walked into the bedroom. Anne slept in the bed, under Kim’s red, white, and blue down comforter, which was spread on the mattress where Kim and Chris had made love countless times. The mattress sat on the oak frame bed that had been hers since childhood.
As Kim watched her, she wondered how many more times this woman would sleep in her bed, and she was surprised that the wondering no longer irritated her. Leaning over, she touched Anne’s face. “You can sleep here for as long as you want.”
Kim went in the living room, sat beside Dan on the sofa, and looked into his now ageless eyes. “When we first met, I called you an asshole, remember?”
Dan chuckled. “Yeah, if I remember correctly, I had just referred to you as a drunk. Not the best way to start a friendship, eh?”
Kim gave a faint smile. “You called me a drunk, and that’s what I was. In life anyway. I lied to everyone. To Chris. To Tar. To you. Even to myself. It wasn’t denial either. I never deluded myself. I always knew I was an alcoholic. I drank myself to death because alcohol was my number one priority. It was more important than Chris. More important than life itself.”
Dan touched her shoulder. “Hey, don’t be so hard on yourself. You had an addiction. That’s a heavy burden. That doesn’t mean it was more important than Chris, or life.”
“No. I’m not being hard on myself anymore. I’m just letting go of the lies. No more bullshit. I had an addiction, that’s true. But I chose to make that addiction number one. I stopped fighting it. I chose to stop fighting it.”
She reached out and took Dan’s hands. “It’s too late for me to apologize to Chris, but I need to apologize. To someone.”
Dan turned his body toward her and nodded. “Okay. Go ahead, I’m listening.”
Kim bit her bottom lip and then sighed. “If Chris had been more important to me, I would have chosen him over my addiction. I might have made a mess of it, but I wouldn’t have stopped fighting to keep him at the top of my list. If life had been more important to me, then I wouldn’t have died. Every time I lifted that bottle to my lips, I had a choice to make. Alcoholics are great at being in denial, or at least pretending to be in denial. But, I knew, Dan. Do you understand?”
Dan nodded. “I think so.”
A golden light seeped into the apartment and they turned to find the source. A shimmering globe hovered by the door.
Kim smiled and Dan shielded his eyes. “What is it?”
She pointed to the pictures on the mantle. “It’s my mother. She died two years ago.”
The globe of light morphed and coalesced into the shape of an elderly woman with joyful eyes. Kim had wondered so many times why she hadn’t seen her yet. Now, she understood. She had not been ready before. Not ready to let go.
Kim reached up and took Dan’s face, turning it toward her. “I’m leaving Dan. I’m forgiving myself, letting go of all this. That’s what it’s all about, you see? When you’re ready to forgive yourself, I’ll be waiting for you in real Heaven.”
Dan grabbed her hands. “Wait. You’re leaving?” He looked around the room. “What about Tar? Don’t you want to say goodbye?”
Kim stood. “Tar? Are you here?’
Tar appeared beside her in a flash of rainbow colored light.
Kim rolled her eyes and laughed. “You always know how to make an entrance.”
There was a tender joy reflected in Tar’s eyes. “You’re leaving.”
Kim took his hands. “I’m going home, Tar. I know that you’re welcome there too. Let go of all this and come with me.”
Tar raised her hands to his lips and kissed them, and behind her hands he whispered, “I’m not ready.”
Kim glanced over Tar’s shoulder at Rale, who watched them from behind the half closed bedroom door. She smiled and held one hand out toward him. “You too, Rale. Come with me.”
Rale hung his head down and disappeared behind the door.
Kim and Tar looked at each other for a moment, and Kim said, “When you’re ready, then.”
She walked over to Chris and touched his hand. Chris’s fingers froze. With his other hand, he rubbed the spot where Kim’s hand lay.
Kim ran her hand up his arm and onto his cheek. Chris trembled visibly and reaching up, ran his hand down his cheek. “Kim?”
“I’m here Chris.” She put her hand over his. “I’m holding your hand right now, but I’m going to let go. You hold onto your life as hard as you can. Don’t you dare let go. You may make a mess of it, but you keep holding onto it. Fight for it, Chris.”
Chris blinked a big, watery blink and a sh
ining tear sprang from his eye, rolling down his face and over Kim’s hand. He closed his eyes and sighed. “I will always love you.”
“I will always love you too, Chris. I’m letting go now. Goodbye.” She let go of his hand and took a step back. Chris sat down on the floor and cried, but he didn’t weep.
Kim smiled at Dan as she walked toward her mother.
The golden light surrounded her, and as they embraced, the light faded taking their spirits with it.
Chapter 57
Guilt is perhaps the most painful companion to death.
~ Elisabeth Kubler-Ross
~~~~~
Monday September 10, 2001
Chris stood in line with Anne at the US Air check-in counter in the Seattle Airport. He held her hand and turning suddenly to her said, “Hey why don’t you just stay for a few more days? Stay until tomorrow at least. I don’t have to go back to work until Wednesday.”
Anne thought about this for a moment. One more day might be possible. She didn’t have to go back to work until Wednesday, either. Tom would be bringing Alexandra over in the morning, however, and she wanted to spend as much time with her as possible, before…well, before the end.
Anne realized that she needed to be just as careful with Chris, now, as she was with Sean.
Chris wanted to live, and his confession to her had put her on edge. He assured her that he would still kill himself with her if that’s what she wanted. And he made her promise that she wouldn’t do anything without him.
“If you’re hell bent on dying, we might as well go together,” he had said to her. “Because I would die anyway, if I lost you now.”
If only it were that easy, Anne had thought. She knew, of course, that he would not die if he lost her. And she knew that she would not allow him to die with her.
She almost agreed to stay one more day, but he might keep trying to convince her to live.
Best to leave now and be done with it.
She would die alone, after all.
On the flight back to Indy fireballs, and smoke, and shredded bodies tore through her thoughts.
~~~~~
The next morning, Anne groggily watched the morning news while she waited for Tom to bring Alexandra over on his way to work.
When she opened the door for them, Alexandra wrapped herself around Anne’s legs briefly before darting away to her over-flowing pink toy box. Anne smiled up at Tom and gave him a hug and kiss on the cheek. “Thanks for bringing her over.”
Tom had a puzzled smile on his face. “Well, aren’t you chipper today? I’m glad to finally see you smiling again.”
Anne nodded. “Yeah, I’m really feeling better now.”
Refilling her coffee cup, she realized that she was feeling better. She was almost giddy with anticipation. This is not what she had expected.
Suicidal people were supposed to be sad and depressed, but now that the decision had been made, and all of her plans were finalized, she no longer was.
She sat on the couch sipping coffee, watching Alexandra dressing her Barbie dolls on the floor in front of the TV, feeling truly hungry for the first time in a long time.
Alexandra looked up. “Mommy, can’t we turn this boring news off? I wanna watch my shows.”
Reaching for the remote, Anne said, “Sure baby, this is boring old news, huh?” Just as she was about to click the channel button a shaky video feed of a building apparently on fire flicked on the screen. The anchor announced breaking news. Early reports indicated there had been some kind of explosion at the World Trade Towers in New York City.
Anne leaned forward, eyes narrowing. That’s an awful lot of smoke.
Alexandra whined when she saw the look of interest suddenly on her mother’s face. “Mahh-ma, you said I could watch my shows!”
“Hold on a sec, babe. Look at that building. It’s on fire, or something.”
Alexandra looked at the TV, and her eyes grew wider. “Ooh, what’s wrong?”
“I … don’t know. They say a plane might have crashed into it. Good lord.”
Anne and Alexandra watched in silence for a few minutes. Alexandra’s eyebrows drew ever closer together as her nose drew closer to the TV screen. “That’s lots’a smoke, Mama. There people in there? They gonna be okay in there?”
Anne shook her head slowly, then seeing the look of fear on Alexandra’s face, smiled. “I’m sure they’re getting out. You know, they have fire escapes and the firemen will rescue them too. They’ll be okay, baby doll.”
As the minutes ticked by, and the smoke rose up and trailed away from the building in a billowing column, Anne wondered if that were true.
The black gash in the side of the building seemed to smile wickedly. The grey smoke rolled and boiled though no flames could be seen. What kind of firey Hell must be raging within, she wondered.
“Ooh, another plane!” Alexandra pointed to the tiny white plane which clearly streaked into view from the upper right corner of the screen. It seemed to be traveling awfully fast.
The camera shot cut away to a different, closer angle of the building, and the plane was lost. Moments later, it appeared from the right of the screen, looking much bigger now as it flew directly toward the building.
Anne had just enough time to wonder if this was normal before a jet of orange flame shot straight out of the building.
Anne gave a tiny shriek and raised both hands to her mouth. “Oh my God!”
Alexandra turned to Anne. “What, Mama? What happened?”
Anne’s hands still covered her mouth. She shook her head. “I think that plane just crashed into the building.”
Alexandra looked back at the TV in silence.
Over and over the footage was shown. A giant orange fireball ballooned out and crawled slowly up the side of the building to the top, where it was engulfed in an ever larger, billowing cloud of smoke. The charcoal cloud rose, as if spewed forth from a volcano, and drifted lazily over the Manhattan cityscape.
“Mama, you was on a plane like that yes’erday?” Alexandra turned and looked at Anne. Her eyes were wide and bright and scared.
Anne nodded.
Alexandra turned back to the TV and pointed. “I glad you not on that plane.”
Looking at the back of Alexandra’s head, at the brown, downy hair which curled in wispy ringlets at the ends just brushing her shoulders, Anne saw the head of her newborn baby. For a moment, she was transported back in time, the vision so clear that all else faded away.
~~~~~
Anne sat in the rocker in her hospital room. She looked down at her new daughter’s head, at the pink, vulnerable flesh of her scalp peeking through the silky strands of hair.
Anne lifted her up and pressed her lips to Alexandra’s forehead. The tangy, marine scent of newborn life intoxicated her.
The smell of Heaven.
The smell of God.
Anne breathed it in and let it fill every fiber of her soul. In her arms, she held the reason for her existence. This was her life, and she would never let it go.
~~~~~
Anne blinked her eyes. Alexandra still pointed to the TV with one hand, the other held straight out beside her, curled in a tight little fist.
Anne hopped up from the couch and running over to Alexandra, picked her up and hugged her fiercely, tears falling from her eyes. “Baby doll, I’m glad I wasn’t on that plane, too.”
Chapter 58
The advantage of a bad memory is that one enjoys several times the same good things for the first time.
~Friedrich Nietzsche
~~~~~
After a fitful day watching coverage of the terrorist attacks, Anne collapsed on her bed for a fitful night of sleep. Alexandra lay curled beside her, Anne’s arm draped around her waist.
Dan’s heart had ached as he watched the destruction, the pointless loss of life which would not lead anyone to victory. He thought about puddles, and he wondered what would happen to the murderers on those planes.Sit around as globs of meaningl
ess goo, on the outskirts of eternity?
But he also felt a pulse quickening surge of triumph when he heard Anne tell Alexandra she was glad to be alive. Anne’s spirit had been on fire, inflamed with the desire for life, even if only for a moment.
And those flames had touched Dan’s spirit. Rale had been wrong. Dan’s spirit did not need to darken with despair for him to feel her. Her spirit needed to long for life, real, hard life. When she did that, their spirits were alike.
Of course, Dan realized it wouldn’t be that simple. Anne would still struggle, but this was a step for her. A step out of darkness.
It would be Alexandra, after all. She would be the one to save her. With a backdrop of death behind Alexandra, Anne had finally seen her daughter.
Rale was not beside Anne on the bed, as he usually was. He sat on the floor, hidden in the dark except for the faint outline of his body.
Dan stood in the doorway watching the heat from her spirit cool as she fell into slumber. He glanced at Rale. “Does the heat burn you?”
“No.”
“Then why do you sit there? Away from her? You said you would never leave her.”
Rale stood and disappeared in the darkness, only his piercing blue eyes could be seen. “I said I would not leave her unless she asked me to go.”
“Has she?”
“No. Not yet.” Rale took a step forward, his black cloak of shadows swirling around him. “Are you going to leave her?”
Dan looked in his eyes for a moment, no longer afraid of him. He nodded. “Yes, Rale. Come with me. There is nothing for you here.” Dan held his hand out toward him.
Rale took another step, but then dropped his gaze.
Dan lowered his hand. “You don’t need Tar’s forgiveness. All you need to do is forgive yourself.”
“No. That’s not all I need.”
When he raised his head, Dan saw the same look of compassion he had seen in Rale’s eyes before. Wild and desperate, the look penetrated Dan and sent a cool spark rushing through his spirit.
“Rale, what would you have done to me back at Sean’s apartment? When you were going to touch me? Would you have hurt me?”