Come to think of it, Adelyn has that effect on most men. I don't know if it's her being petite, or her looking a little lost and a whole lot broken that does it, but I've noticed that men seem to gravitate toward her where ever she goes. It’s infuriating, being her man and watching bastards stare at her, but I learned to reel it in as much as I could.
Clearing his throat, Reaper speaks with a hint of sarcasm in his voice,
"You've gotta know this shit isn't going to last, right? It's going to be a cold day in hell before Adelyn is going to open up to you, give you everything she has to give. I thought better of you, you know? I never figured you for a brother that would settle for someone else's cast offs." He doesn’t have an edge to his voice, it’s factual, and I can’t help questioning whether he’s right. Have I settled too? I know Adelyn feels she has, but have I?
I recognise he's trying to goad me, trying to make me do something that will give him free reign to kick my ass. What the asshole doesn't know is that I'm prepared for that. Not the ass kicking, because that's not going to happen, but I came prepared to hear a whole lot of shit from him. If nothing else that's all he's got left. A lot of empty words, and a fuck ton of bitterness.
"That maybe so brother, but let me ask you this; if you had what I do, and mark me I've got her alright, what would you do? Would you give up the chance at having someone like her in your life? Give up the sweet, beautiful woman you get to come home to everyday just because some bitter asshole wanted to keep his fucking options open? That's not me, Reaper, and if you thought it was you're fucking delusional."
Taking a step forward, Reaper curls his hand around the door frame glaring at me.
"No, I fucking wouldn't give that shit up, but I also wouldn't have a woman in my bed, a woman so fucking perfect it's hard to breathe around if I didn't have all of her either. You might be happy to take what she's offering, but there's not a chance in fuck I would. That's where we're different I suppose. I wouldn't settle, ever. And between you and her, you're both settling and you fucking know it. If that’s what you want, to be with a woman that won’t ever be able to see past me for you then that’s your business, but you’re the fucking delusional one if you think you’ve got a hope in hell I’ll give up the only part of her I’ve got left. Because brother, that’s just plain not gonna happen."
Motherfucker. It hits me all at once making me stagger back a step at the weight of it, Reaper's right I am settling. As much as I don’t want to acknowledge it to myself it’s true and I've known since the beginning. Even though it hurts to think about, and it does hurt more than I can put in to words, the fact remains, I can't make her love me the way she loves him. I can't force her to forget about everything that went down back then either, no matter how much I want to.
However none of that is why I showed up here today. All the shit he's spouted is just that; shit. He can't answer the questions swirling around in my head. He can't take away my doubts, or make me see how to give Adelyn what she needs to open up to me fully. Regardless of the fact he thinks she can’t, I still hold out a sliver of hope it’s possible, that she could come around one day and there’s no way I won’t be there the day she does. If she does.
Reaper can't fix the shit fight going on in my mind, but what he can do is give me some honesty. I think under the circumstances I deserve it.
"I can't believe I'm going to say this, but you've got an hour to make a choice, and trust me when I say this is a one-time only deal. It's only because you're my brother, and I love her that I'm offering you this chance in the first place." He looks intrigued, but doesn't say anything, so I lay out my plan. "I won't hand her over to you, not without a fight, but you're right, Adelyn isn't truly happy. I thought given time she'd move on, give up getting closure on the past, but she didn't. And you didn't help that shit either. All it would've taken was for you to answer the fucking phone, just once Reaper. Return one, just one of her texts, fucking anything would've been better than the radio silence you decided on." Taking a deep breath I go on. "You're right when you say I don't have all of her, but you're wrong on the why."
Reaper's listening to every word I'm saying now, and something flashes across his face that looks a hell of a lot like pain. I can’t bring myself to give a shit about his suffering though, I’m struggling enough with my own to become invested in his too.
"She can't give me what she doesn't have, and that woman is missing part of her heart. She lost it at the same time she lost your baby, and you've gotta know," I stress the ‘you've’, "there's nothing I wouldn't give to get it back for her, but I can't. The only one who can is you, and the worst part is; you won't." That earns a low menacing growl from him, but he still keeps quiet. "I fucking hate that you got to have that with her, share part of you that I'll never get the chance to, but neither of us can do a fucking thing about it now. She'll never get that piece of herself back unless you forgive her."
His voice is pure gravel when he speaks, but I hear every word loud and clear, because I think I uttered the same ones not too long ago.
"What the fuck are you talking about, forgive her? She didn't do a fucking thing to forgive, so what does that have to do with anything?" He's frustrated and confused. I get it, because in the beginning I was too.
"You're not stupid, Reaper. You've been around enough women to know that when something like that happens women blame themselves. In Adelyn's case she's been doing it for years, blaming herself for not keeping your baby girl safe, for letting herself get hurt. Fuck Reaper, she blames herself for the lot, for every-fucking-thing."
Shock and awe is written all over his features, but mostly he looks gutted. He opens and closes his mouth a few times before harshly breathing out,
"A girl? She knew we were having a girl?"
That's what he chooses to focus on? I mean, I get he didn't know before now that Adelyn was most definitely carrying his daughter, but fuck me he could at least be more concerned about my future wife taking on a responsibility that isn't hers to shoulder.
"Yeah, a little girl," I sigh. "You haven't visited her grave Reaper, or you would've known that." A pained hiss leaves his lips as I continue. "She named her Dakota Billie, with an I-E after your son. Why I don't know, that’s something none of you fuckers deserved, especially after everything you guys put her through. I've got no idea why she even thought to include him, but there you have it, in true Adelyn fashion she still saw fit to honour your son. Your little girl had your last name too. Adelyn told me she wanted you to have at least that." I shake my head slowly to alleviate some of the sadness cloaking me. To this day, even three years later the sadness of that day still grips at my heart. "She put the service off a week too. Some part of her thought you'd be back in time, that you'd be back to say goodbye. We told her, or tried to, me and all the brothers that you wouldn't make it, she wouldn't hear it though. Adelyn wanted to give you the chance to get your shit together, and make the choice on your own to come back. She didn’t want us contacting you, she didn’t want us doing her bidding. She wanted you to do the right thing on your own, and you fucking failed her then too."
Watching a man crumble in front of you is not something you ever want to witness, it’s not something you’d wish on your worst enemy. What makes it all the more confronting is when he's the strongest brother you know, but there you have it, proof that even the strongest fall, and when they do they do it hard.
Reaper slides down the door frame at his back buying his hands in his hair. I can hear his cries, and while part of me feels for him, the bigger part of me can't help but feel mollified that he's finally feeling something. Something bigger than himself. Something real. The front he's put on for months, years, is cracking now. I've got no doubt that he'll tip right over the edge into the same pit of despair Adelyn has been in for just as long before the day is out. Especially when he realises that the woman he's wanted, the only woman he's ever truly wanted has tied herself to another man.
Before I can keep at him, k
eep going in order to break him down enough that he can start rebuilding himself I hear a gasp followed by the screech of a very pissed off woman.
"What have you done, Trig?" She says it in a breathy voice that could be mistaken for shock if I couldn't read her so well. And I was right, it's not shock at all when it's backed up with a yelled, "Oh my God, are you kidding me? What did you say to him?"
When I turn around I see Adelyn, the woman that owns half of my heart looking at the man on the floor in front of me with that look that’s reserved solely for him. I want to yell back at her. Tell her I didn’t do anything, he did this all to himself, but the look of heartache written all over her face tells me something. Something important…That's when I realise with a gut wrenching finality that I never stood a chance. And as wrapped up in her as I am, and believe me doing this is going to fucking kill me, I know what I've got to do.
Closing my eyes I count to ten slowly, hoping to reign in the anger, heart break, and bitter disappointment I'm feeling. When I'm finished counting I look up and catch her beautiful eyes with mine.
In that moment I realise that I love, and hate her in equal measure. I love her because she's smart, funny, caring, sweet, and filled with more compassion than anyone else I've ever met. And I hate her because she's going to make me break my own heart. She's going to make me rip it from my body, throw it on the ground, and stomp all over it, and there's not a damn thing I can do to lessen the pain I know is coming my way by my own hand.
I take her hand and lead her off to the right of the porch into a little alcove created by outdoor furniture. Reaper can hear every word if he listens, and he won't even have to strain to do it. I know without a doubt he’ll be listening, it’s something I’d do too. With her hand still in mine I say,
"I came here today baby, with the intention of making sure he didn't do anything to upset, or ruin today for us. I just wanted to know where his head was at over the whole thing." Pausing I take a shaky breath and breathe it out through my nose before going on. "You know I've always known how you feel about him, and you know I know that's never changed. What I didn't know was that it probably never would. Well, I didn't until just now anyway."
She goes to interrupt, but I squeeze her hand in mine gently telling her not to.
"I love you Adelyn, you know that too."
"I love you too, Trig." I smile softly at her, and I believe her. I really do. I just don't believe she loves me the same way I do her. Pain spears through my chest making me swallow back bile. I fucking hate this. I hate I’m having to do this to her, and me. I wish we could be happy, together. That I could erase all this shit, pretend like it never happened, go on with today as planned. But I can’t, and I won’t.
"Yeah, baby I know." Lifting our joined hands I kiss the top of hers, slowly lowering them to my side. "Not enough though." At her confused look I let out a humourless chuckle. "You love me like you love Boss and Diesel, not how a woman loves the man she's going to spend the rest of her life with. I didn't completely get that until I saw the way you looked at him just now," I say gesturing to Reaper who's still holed up on the floor shaking soundlessly. "I'll always love you, that's never going to change, but I need more and so do you. I need someone who wants me, and only me. I want someone that looks at me like you look at him, and you need what I can never be; him."
And it's true. No matter how much I wanted to be the man that could put her broken heart back together again, it was never going to happen when another man was already holding it captive. And it definitely wasn't going to happen when she wanted him to keep holding on to it either. Like I said, this was destined for failure.
"I-I don't know what to say, Trig."
In all honesty I don't either. But one thing's for certain, this can't go on any longer.
"Not much to say, baby. You love him in a way that defines you, it's why you've been so lost for so long. When you love someone like that it's impossible to give yourself to someone else, no matter how much better off you'd be if you did." Cocking my head in Reaper's direction I add, "He feels the same way about you too. The stubborn asshole might not say it, but he does."
Tears spring to her eyes, and I know that even though this is hard on me, the hardest thing I'll probably ever go through, it's taking its toll on her just as much if not more. Regardless of the fact she knows deep down I’m doing the right thing for both of us, she’s got to feel like she’s losing someone else she thought she could depend on. What she hasn’t factored in is just how much I truly do love her, because no matter what happens from here on out, I’ll never leave her, ever. I’ll always be here for her some way or another. I’d never leave her alone. Even if I can’t have her the way I originally wanted her.
"We were supposed to get married today, Trig. Why are you doing this now? Why not months ago if you felt like this?"
It's a good question, and like I said I can't put my finger on the specific reason why it was so important to me to have this out now, other than needing to know where I stand once and for all. I've got a damn good idea, but I can’t say it’s the only reason.
"Truthfully?" I ask, and she raises her brow as if to say, 'would I want anything other than the truth'? "I didn't want to see it. I didn't want to see that he felt the same way about you, that you belong with him, to him, and not me. I didn't want to know the cold hard truth of it, because I knew if I saw it with my own two eyes I'd have to let you go." She lets out a choked sob, and I gather her to me whispering into her hair. "It's okay, baby. I told you I'd always love you, and I will. There's not a damn thing in the world that'll stop that from being the truth, but you're gonna have to let me go so that I can get my chance at happy too." Squeezing her tight I add, “I’m not leaving you though, you can’t ask me to do that. I might not be with you Adelyn, but I’m sure as fuck not leaving you,” I say fiercely.
Her tear stained face rises from my chest, and she looks me straight in the eyes with all the emotion a broken woman can muster.
"You know you deserve better than I could ever give you, right?" I both agree, and disagree with that statement because she's the best woman I know, but I let her continue instead of correcting her. "I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry I couldn't be everything you wanted, no, needed me to be for you. I'm just so sorry."
And I can see that, even if I didn't already know it, I can see it reflected in the pained eyes she's giving me.
"Adelyn, you've got not a damn thing to be sorry for. I knew getting into this with you that part of you would always belong to him. It's my fucking fault for being too blind to see how much of you was really his to begin with. I should’ve waited till you had a chance t clear the air with him before I made my move. I’m the one who’s sorry for putting us in this position, baby. This is on me and him, not you."
That's true too. I've known from the start that I'd have to use everything at my disposal just to get her to see me, let alone love me, and I'm lucky she does, even if it's not the way I need her to. This shit is all on the two men in her life that have been wreaking havoc on her heart. Me tearing her apart because she trusted me to be there for her, she trusted she could draw comfort from me, not the pain she’s reaping. And Reaper; he’s torn apart the part of her heart that knows how to love with a fierceness not many people will ever get to experience. No, this is not on her. We’ve done this, and it’ll be our cross to bear for a long time to come.
Adelyn loving me at all is a beautiful thing, a gift. It's something I'll spend the rest of my life holding on to. When my world goes dark and I need something to cling to, it will be her love that will light my way.
It’s a shame I didn't realise my world would go dark sooner rather than later…It’s a pity I couldn’t experience the love I witnessed between them that day for myself.
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
Adelyn
Tourniquet - Evanessence
Three things happened that day. Three things that would be both the best, and worst of my most recent history. Three things
that changed the path my life has taken. And even though it would take time for me to recover from one of them, a long time, they would each play a part in making my world whole for the first time ever.
Let me start by saying, I should never have gotten involved with Trig to begin with. He was too nice, too sweet, too kind to get involved with the likes of me; a sorry excuse for a human being. He should never have wanted to start any kind of relationship with someone as damaged as I am, but the fact he did only proves what a good man he is.
I'd known when we started sleeping together it was a monumentally bad decision, but at the time I had needed someone to hold me, to make me feel special, like a woman again. Having the hysterectomy made me feel like I'd lost my identity as a normal woman, and it wasn't only just about losing my ability to bear children, although that was a large part of it. It made me feel inferior, like I wasn't complete anymore. I know it's stupid, and a lot of women are probably calling me every name under the sun right now, but that doesn't stop the way I felt.
After a lot of talking with my OB-GYN, and hours and hours of therapy sessions, where my psychologist explained that I was no less a woman now than I was before, I actually started to believe them. I won't lie and say I truly deep down agreed one hundred percent, but I did have a good grasp on the fact that I am still the same person now as I was then, sans periods, and the ability to procreate that is. That was when Trig came along.
Captive: A Devil's Spawn MC Novel Page 16