“Ash.”
My name left his lips like glowing embers that die quickly and brightly.
I had no words left to give him. I’d given him all that and they were met at an impenetrable gate to his heart.
“This is bullshit,” Sawyer said.
I glanced away, not mentally strong enough to break out of his hold. Once he’d inspired me to endure the chains Mother had kept me in, forging a bond between us that had been unbreakable. Now we were little better than strangers.
People had to walk around us, but Sawyer didn’t care.
“You don’t have to stay at the frat house just to get away from me. Come home. I’ll leave,” he said.
I glued my eyes shut, afraid my words would silently spill from them.
“Please,” he begged.
There was a time I would have done anything he asked. I longed for the past when we had Neverland, a place where we’d been free from everything. Where love had no gender. Now he’d found his Wendy and I was more than ever a lost boy.
He sighed at my total non-response. There was no point to speak, so I didn’t.
“You should know Shelly needed a place to stay, and I told her she could move in,” he said.
Of course, he had. I gave him a stiff nod. When he finally let go, I moved away before I gave in to his charismatic smile. I darted off the main path onto a rocky one. Like life had been before him, my shadow was the only one to follow me. It wasn’t until I was camouflaged by the trees did my urgent steps turn into a slow jog.
My arm still burned where his touch branded my soul and I collapsed into the reeds. The tall plants near the water swallowed my prone form. Then I was swimming in the endless blue sky, reminded of the first time Sawyer and I met.
I’d been lying in the short grass, hoping to feel something other than pain. The sky had opened up, letting cool drops to rain over my welcomed skin. He’d stood over me with a hand out like my personal Peter Pan.
Eventually, he’d fought my mother, who’d only needed the pirate hat to play the part of Captain Hook. His promise to always slay my dragons paved a way to a new reality, one without monsters and devils.
I faintly heard the footsteps before a shadow grew over me. In the blink of an eye a body landed on me, shrouding me in darkness. A mass of curls had blotted out the sun.
Before I could roll the invader off of me, she pushed up to her hands and knees just as the sound of giggles neared. She dropped back heavily on my chest, pushing air out of my lungs. Was she hiding from someone?
Before I could ask that question, another came from above us.
“What do we have here?”
I’d just brushed her hair from my eyes to see Chance above me. His twinkled with mirth as Brie also struggled not to laugh.
I’d caught my breath and was about to explain that it wasn’t what it looked like when Chance winked. He steered Brie away, saying he’d call me later.
The girl who had fallen on me rolled off and I saw who it was as if there was any doubt. Her hair had given her away, fanning out all around her as she lay next to me. Tire girl.
“You again,” I muttered.
What was up with me running into her?
“Sorry.”
Her face was splotched in red, a familiar sight.
“What were you running from?” I asked.
She bit her lip as a sheepish smile grew on her face, blinding my thoughts.
“I didn’t want them to think I was some creeper,” she said, muttering another apology. I struggled with what to say. She didn’t have the same problem. “What are you doing here?”
Hiding… longing to be comfortable in my own skin.
She sat up, the sun spotlighting her like she was on stage.
“Never mind. You don’t have to answer that. It was rude of me to pry,” she said.
My thoughts tripped over each other in my head, leaving me speechless.
“I should go.” She suddenly sounded shy.
She got to her hands and knees as I lay there coming off like an asshole.
As her things were safely cradled in her arms, she tilted her head quizzically.
“Most days I feel invisible in a crowd. But when I want to be alone, suddenly I’m surrounded.” She pointed to the ground. “I hope you don’t mind if I steal your idea and come back here sometime. I have a feeling this is ground zero for true solitude.” Then she was gone.
Everything she said rang true for me in its opposite form. I felt too visible, longing all my life not to be seen at the same time, hating to be alone in my own skin. What I realized that moment was I’d wanted someone to see and hear me without words.
The hurricane of a girl stirred in my thoughts. Her body had tumbled onto mine and had zipped all the breath out of me. Yet a thousand needlepoints hadn’t lit up my skin. Then again, had her bare skin touched mine?
It was too hard to think. I was overwhelmed with the whys and hows. I was taken back to a six-year-old me, and Sawyer hovered there asking me why I was lying in the rain. Funny thing was, his and tire girl’s expression when they looked at me on the ground had been similar. No matter what my answer was to their questions, it would be accepted.
7
Past
* * *
“Ashton, I expect you to stay quiet in your room. I have company coming over.”
I nodded.
It was against the rules to ask questions.
As Mother would say, my mouth had a life of its own. Something that would eventually be beaten out of me.
“Why can those men hug you and I can’t?”
I barely noticed the painful slap, I was so used to it.
Then she pointed. “Your room, now. And don’t come out.”
Life wasn’t fair, I’d been told many times. Still, my tears littered the floor, marking my path.
I crawled onto my bed, putting my back to the wall. I faced the door, afraid she was coming with more punishment.
When the doorbell chimed with the first visitor, I looked around for something to do. Toys weren’t allowed in my room. The few I had were locked in a downstairs closet.
With words locked in my head, I played with the friends she couldn’t take away from me. They were nicer than the kids at school. They didn’t make fun of the way I spoke.
“Ashton,” Mom called out in her warrior’s voice. “Are you running around up there?”
I stopped, realizing I had pretended I was a plane flying away. I took slow steps and crawled onto my bed. I lay looking at the ceiling. I closed my eyes and took to the skies in my head.
When I woke up, my room was dark. The gray walls appeared black. I lay still, listening. I heard no sounds of Mother’s company around. I had to pee and got to my feet.
Just in case, I made it to the door without making a sound.
I reached for the knob and turned it slowly.
The door opened, and I popped my head out, looking and listening.
When I heard and saw nothing, I tiptoed to the bathroom.
I waited for the door to close before I turned the light on. So far so good. Mother hadn’t heard me.
I used the bathroom and washed my hands like Mother always said.
Then I turned off the light, trying not to be afraid of the dark.
I opened the door and took a step.
“Well, hello.”
I turned around and a man stood in the hallway. Was he my father? It was too dark to tell.
“Aren’t you going to say hi?” he asked.
“Hi,” I said.
“It’s late. You should be in bed.”
I nodded, afraid he would send me to the basement for disobeying like Mother did.
“Let me tuck you in.”
He came over and took my hand in his and smiled.
He was nice.
He closed the door behind us when we walked in.
“You’re a big boy, aren’t you?”
I nodded as I climbed up onto my big boy bed.
He sat down. “Let me help you get tucked in.”
But his hand reached under the covers instead. “I think you can thank me for walking you to your room.”
He wasn’t a nice man after all.
My screams went unheard by Mother. He’d covered my mouth with his hand. I’d been bad by leaving my room. He was punishing me. His touch hurt me everywhere, and though I begged, he didn’t stop.
8
Ashton
* * *
As if electrified, I jolted out of sleep and sat straight up. I swung my arms as if I could fight the ghosts of my past. Instead, my blows only broke through air. Orienting myself, I wiped moisture from my face as I searched all around me trying to remember where I was. In the dark, it took more than a second to figure out I’d fallen asleep outside cradled by reeds.
I thought about the girl, the one who had found me here days ago. Had I come back hoping she’d keep her word and find me here? I got to my feet, my body stiff. Football practice the last few days had been grueling.
If only a sledgehammer could knock away all the memories from the past. With purpose, I hiked it back to the frat house, needing out of my head.
No matter what day of the week, the place was far from empty. It wasn’t quite a party, but there was more booze sitting around than a liquor store. I grabbed the closest bottle, which happened to be Grey Goose, and took the stairs two at a time.
What greeted me in my bedroom wasn’t shocking. A tiny girl had Sawyer’s hard dick in her hand. She was moving to climb on top of him. Only Sawyer was far from participating. He lay there like a corpse. If not for the rise and fall of his chest, I would have mistaken him for dead.
“Get the fuck out,” I said, shocking the shit out of the girl.
“What? Can’t you see we’re busy?”
She tried and failed at a sexy smile.
“It’s my room and I say go, now.”
Apparently, she caught the deadly intent in my voice because she let go of him. He didn’t react when she huffed and puffed her way to the door. As she opened her mouth to give me her parting words, I shut and locked it in her face.
I sighed loudly, but Sawyer still hadn’t moved. I found myself checking his pulse before reaching for the sheets and covering him with them. Then I sat on the floor with my back to the bed and opened the bottle of Goose. I drained it, waiting for oblivion to take me.
Though I got what I asked for, the devil returned in my dreams like he had in life. When I’d told Mother what happened to me that first time, I’d never forget what she said.
“You got what you deserved. I told you to stay quiet and in your room.”
Hadn’t her words come back to haunt me?
I should have never told Sawyer the truth of my feelings. It hadn’t been so bad sharing him with someone else. It was the closest thing to having him.
My thoughts mixed with the nightmare of being forced facedown and used. It held me in its bitter embrace as I clawed my way free. Distantly, I heard Sawyer’s voice and felt his touch as it soothed the pain.
“It’s okay. No one can hurt you now. I won’t let them,” he crooned.
Before my violent shaking stilled, I freed words in reply.
“But you’re the one hurting me now.”
The next morning I woke up curled in a ball, the hard floor on my side. I noticed two things that hadn’t been there before: a pillow under my head and a blanket around me. I turned to glance up at the bed, but it was empty. Sawyer was gone and my chest involuntary tightened.
My palms pressed to my forehead couldn’t will away leftover pain that always hit like a wrecking ball. With every fiber of my being I wanted to be free of it.
With all the excess thoughts crowding my head space, I needed to channel it. I crawled to my feet and plopped in my chair. I went for my notebook, turned to a fresh page, and began to write, though putting my thoughts on paper wouldn’t change anything.
Some would call my story fanfiction. It was about the leader of the lost. My character would tell Peter just what he thought about Wendy intruding into their world. That was the first step to freedom. If I could only find a fitting way to write the ending.
I put my pen down, remembering what day it was. As much as I wanted to hate Sawyer, I couldn’t. Today was his birthday.
Finding him passed out at the frat house worried me. Sawyer preferred his room at the townhouse. Something was going on with him and I didn’t know what. It just showed how degraded our friendship had become. Still, I couldn’t let his birthday go by without celebration.
Before I got up, I noticed a black envelope on top of my laptop. I picked it up and studied my name written in perfect script. Turning it over, the seal of a sword through a V on a shield was answer enough if I hadn’t already guessed. I pulled it out and read the words. I’d been cordially invited to join the brotherhood of the Vanderbilt Club and further instructions would come. It was Layton’s version of Yale’s Skulls and Bones, a secret society that inducted its members in the final year of school.
Joining the exclusive group with members all over the world had its privileges. Doors would open. Success in your chosen field was virtually guaranteed. They traded in secrets and survived in shadows. Their charters were at all the major universities with selective recruiting. It was meant as an honor to receive the invitation.
I put the card back into the envelope and set it aside, unsurprised that I’d gotten one. My father hinted that he was a member. He’d probably nominated me to be inducted. I wondered if they knew I was his son.
Based on everything I’d heard, I would guess yes. They probably had results of DNA testing to prove that fact. I pushed that aside and got back on task.
As much as I hated to talk, I walked out of my room prepared to do what I must.
“Ashton.” I glanced up. Bryant, one of my frat brothers, had stepped out of his room the same time I had. “Are you in?”
Given the envelope I’d gotten, I’d guessed he received one too. Not everyone in Sigma would be invited to join.
There had been a note at the bottom of the card to keep your prospective membership a secret. He would have received the same warning. His invitation could be rescinded if the wrong person overhead him talking about it. I lifted a finger to my lips to stop him.
“Don’t,” I said.
Not waiting for a response, I headed for the stairs. Bryant caught up and used two fingers to push his square glasses up to the bridge of his nose.
“Sawyer got an invitation,” Bryant went on, angling his head to make sure he was in my line of sight. “I assumed you did too.”
One of the reasons I moved away from Sawyer was because everyone, including myself, assumed we were inseparable. Truthfully, we had been. I stopped on the stairs.
“If you keep asking, you’ll be cut.”
Bryant went wide-eyed. He wasn’t your average Sigma. He looked more like he should join the Physics Club than be in a frat. But his dad was a tech god and sat higher on the Forbes Fortune 500 than either my dad or Sawyer’s.
He ran a hand through hair that had a mind of its own.
“They would.” I nodded. His voice went up an octave as panic set in. “You won’t tell, will you? It’s my only chance to ever get laid.”
Though he played lacrosse and not football, we had more in common than he knew.
“No. Just don’t go asking anyone else.”
He bobbed his head and I came down to find most of my frat brothers lounging around in the living area.
“Announcement.”
All heads whipped in my direction. I didn’t speak often, so I wasn’t at all surprised by their response.
“It’s Sawyer’s birthday. Party tonight. Drinks on me.”
There were cheers and not just for Sawyer. These assholes had just been given an excuse to drink in excess in the middle of the week. One of the pledges dutifully came over.
“Anything I can do?”
I pulled o
ut cash from my back pocket and dropped it in his open palm. His wide eyes meant he would probably be cut. No member of the Sigma house would be stunned to have a grand or more put in his hand.
“Buy liquor and top shelf.”
His head bobbed, and I eyed Trent, our wannabe president in Sawyer’s absence. He already had a highball in his hand and looked amused. He was using the pledges like lap dogs. I’d effectively done the same, though hardly the way my brothers were. Though I hadn’t made him do it.
There was one more thing I had to do: get Sawyer here. I dialed Chance, but he didn’t answer. I didn’t leave a message, knowing he was most likely balls deep in Brie. Otherwise he’d pick up. That left doing it myself.
When I parked in front of the townhouse, I caught sight of Shelly, Sawyer’s Wendy, pulling in. He played like he didn’t like her, but he did and had for a very long time. The messed-up thing was, I very much liked her as a friend.
“Can I talk to you?”
She looked shocked and stopped in her tracks, but not more than her boyfriend, David. Everyone was always so surprised that I could speak. Didn’t anyone think that maybe I didn’t talk because there wasn’t anything worth being said?
“David, can you give me a minute?” she asked.
She walked over and I moved farther, putting more distance between us and him. She folded her arms.
“What’s going on?” she asked.
“I need a favor.”
“Okay, cryptic much?”
“Today is Sawyer’s birthday,” I announced, watching for her reaction.
I was sure she liked him as much as he liked her.
Her eyes popped. “He didn’t say anything.”
“He wouldn’t and he shouldn’t be alone.”
By the time I finished explaining my plans, she was on board. I glanced up at the place that had been my home for the last three years. It was weird not living there, but for the best.
I left to get the word out on the midweek party. If I got enough drinks in me, maybe I could make it through the night.
9
Craving Dragonflies Page 4