by PJ Sharon
It got quiet for a while. I guess I wasn’t the only one who missed Levi. It felt like we were all missing some integral piece of ourselves, and I understood Alex on a new level. My brother was part of me that remained like a phantom limb—there, but not.
I lay awake for a long time listening to the night sounds, Mom’s deep slow breathing, and the raindrops pattering on the tent overhead. My heart ached. I missed reading Levi’s letters. Mom was right, he would have loved the idea of us all camping—one last chance to lounge around or find some kind of trouble before school started. I wondered again about what he would have thought of me and Alex being together. I knew he said he was okay with it, but it would have been so weird for all of us. I found myself glad in some small way that I wouldn’t have to face him. A tear ran down into my ear and I rolled over, tucking the sleeping bag under my chin.
Knowing about the way Levi had been abused, I wondered if we could have gotten past it—if I would have seen him the same way anymore. I’d always accepted him, and loved and protected him when I could. I’d always known there was a deep part of him that was broken—that needed protection and unconditional love and something I couldn’t even give him—peace. I drifted into sleep remembering the summer he nearly succeeded in taking his life, reliving that day for the thousandth time.
He was fifteen and I was twelve. It was the end of summer and he had spent it fishing, hiking, and working in the wood shop with Brig, his every waking hour monitored by our grandfather. Until the day Brig got called away on some emergency trip and Levi found the opportunity he’d been waiting for. Brig’s presence had kept him from cutting himself for weeks, all summer in fact.
I had been with Vic all day at the gym, my prescribed punishment for smoking pot with Levi at the beginning of the summer—my first and only attempt at living on the wild side. I got home around three and Mom was still at work. I looked everywhere for Levi and finally checked the barn. The door to the workshop was locked, but I knew where the key was. My heart exploded in my chest as I unlocked the door, already afraid of what I would find inside. There he was, the razor knife clutched in his hand.
I walked into the work room just as he ran the blade over his forearm, cutting deeper than he ever had before. It was like he’d stored up the urge for months and when he finally gave in, he wanted it to count. I never understood his fascination with pain or his lust to see himself bleed, but finding him that day, I knew that he was screaming for help.
He needed stitches, but refused to go to the hospital. So we stopped the bleeding and I patched him up. I washed the blood from the countertop and the floor in the barn and he made me promise not to tell. Maybe if I’d told someone…everything would have been different. He wore sweatbands to cover the evidence, his customary dark clothes and long sleeves, even in summer, giving no clue as to what lay beneath. I could see how awful he felt that I had found him that way. He never said he was sorry, but I saw the regret and sorrow in his eyes—regret and sorrow deeper than any kid should have to feel. He trusted me to keep his secret. Maybe that’s why it was so important for me to know the truth about what happened to him in Iraq. There’d been enough secrets between us and I felt partly responsible since I never told my mother about how he was hurting himself.
At the time, Mom had been distraught, depressed, and anxious. I knew she was seeing a counselor and taking medication. I couldn’t tell her. Brig was busy—disappearing on trips for weeks at a time.
Levi recovered, acting as if nothing had happened, and promised he would never cut himself again. He continued to walk the edge, getting into trouble and dragging Alex along with him. He wanted to protect me, so he pushed me away, telling me he was too old to hang around with his little sister anymore. As much as it hurt to be excluded, I left him and Alex alone most of the time. Part of me wanted to help him, but something between us had shifted.
After that day, I learned to insulate myself. I ran, I learned to fight, and I dove into my books, determined to be smarter, stronger, faster…because if I stopped…I could be just like him. I could become someone who tried to use the pain in my flesh to wash away the scars inside, too wounded to live, too broken to recover from the death of my father, the loss of my mother’s stability. But I wasn’t like Levi. I hadn’t suffered the way he had. I’d been given the chance to live a normal, happy life. For whatever reason, the universe had skipped over me in a gene pool that included depression. I wouldn’t waste that gift feeling guilty for surviving. Maybe it was time to let go of the past, of keeping secrets, and of holding on to a moment I couldn’t change.
When I woke in the morning, wet from our leaky tent, I sucked in the cool, clean air, and felt grateful to be alive. I followed the scent of coffee.
“Did you sleep well, Sunshine?” Brig had the fire crackling and coffee percolating on the camp stove.
“Not really.” I zipped my hoodie, pulled my hair into a messy ponytail, and made for the outhouse nearby. The clean bathrooms were too far of a walk this early. When I got back, Brig had a coffee cup full for me and was stacking pancakes on a griddle. He had the lobster pot washed out and filled with hot water.
“Wash up here if you like.” He handed me a bar of soap and a wash cloth. “I figured I’d let Alex sleep in this morning since it’s our last day. He’s a hard worker. I like that about him.” He eyed me over his mug. “He’s also mighty fond of my granddaughter.”
“Did he say that?” My head popped up as I gingerly scrubbed my face and hands.
Brig grinned. “He didn’t have to. I know what’s going on between you two. It doesn’t take a poet to know a thing or two about romantic feelings.”
My cheeks heated. “I wish he would just tell me how he feels.” I dried my face and hands on a towel and sat down at the picnic table. I sipped hot, creamy coffee, letting the first jolt of caffeine ease my nerves and wake me up at the same time.
“He’s got to straighten out this mess on his own, first. And you have to let him—even if it means letting him go, Jordan.” He gave me the sympathetic but stern look that made me sit up and pay attention.
“But we’re so close right now,” I said. “I like seeing him every day. I like spending time with him…” I closed my mouth, feeling like I had said too much.
Brig shook his head, “Ahhh—young love. So foolish, so demanding…so untamed.” His brow lifted and his ears turned pink as he flipped the pancakes. “I understand where you’re coming from, Sunshine. I really do, but you are setting yourself up for disappointment if you are depending on Alex to make you happy or think that somehow you can fix whatever is wrong with him. The simple truth is that you can’t depend on anyone else for your happiness without placing the burden of it on their shoulders. Trust me; a sure fire way for any relationship to fail is to expect someone to change for you. It’s too much pressure. You have to let people be who they are.”
I thought about what he said for a long time, pouring a ton of syrup on the short stack of pancakes he put in front of me, and cutting them into small squares. Was I really making Alex responsible for my happiness? Trying to fix him so he would be exactly who I thought he should be? My understanding of love was that you accepted people for who they were and loved them unconditionally. The way I’d loved my dad…and Levi. Had I been putting conditions on my feelings for Alex? Was I trying to change him?
I rolled my eyes at him over my forkfull of pancake. “You’re probably right as usual.” I stuffed the food into my mouth and chewed. Sweet sponginess exploded.
“I’m glad to hear it,” he said, his bushy eyebrows arching. “Let Alex make the choices he needs to make for himself, and you do the same. Have a little faith. Things will end up just the way they’re meant to be without you trying to steer the ship.”
“You sound like Vic. You know what she would say right about now?” I asked.
Brig’s eyes crinkled at the corners at the mention of her name. “No, what’s that?”
“She’d say, ‘Kid, don’t p
ush the river.’ I never knew what she meant by that, but I think I get it now.”
Chapter 29
Alex and Brig broke camp in half the time it took me and Mom to pack up our one tent, tarp and our few amenities, including a small gas grill and the kitchen box Dad had made for their honeymoon when they first started camping together. It had his initials—JD—carved in the side. I slid the large wooden container farther back into the truck to make room for the beach chairs, wondering how my life would be different if my father were still here. I shrugged off the familiar pang of sadness that came with those ‘what if’ musings.
“Did you pack the Frisbee?” I asked.
Mom slid the last sandwich into a baggie and popped it into the cooler. “I put it in the bag with the chips.”
“And that makes sense…why?” I rummaged through the bags.
“I knew you would want it at the beach and I figured we’d be packing sandwiches, and what are sandwiches without chips?” She smiled, satisfied her logic was sound.
“Okay…right.”
Brig interrupted. “You ladies all packed up?” He eyed the back of the CR-V, shaking his head. “You didn’t leave room for the cooler.”
I lifted the beach chairs and stuffed them up on top of the tent. “There. Now there’s room.” I grinned at him, knowing how much order meant to him. Just as he knew how much I needed to be able to be me. I think he understood—sometimes better than Mom.
He gave a low “Hmmph.” Then he flashed a crinkle of his eye. “Okay, Sunshine. Do it your way. Alex and I are gonna’ meet you at the beach. We’re itchin’ to drop our lines off the breachway. You never know when you might catch an eel or two.”
“Just don’t ask me to clean and cook them,” Mom said.
“I wouldn’t dream of it.” Brig winked at me and turned his back, waving over his shoulder. “See ya’ there.”
Mom and I finally got the CR-V loaded, stuffed to the gills with sleeping bags and blankets tucked in between the stove, the lantern, and the kitchen box so nothing would break. I said good-bye to the campsite and surprisingly, felt a little sad. This would probably be the last summer campout I would share with my family. I couldn’t imagine fitting in family outings once I started college and found a real job. Having time for anything else didn’t seem likely.
My world was about to change. I could feel it in the way animals know when there is going to be an earthquake or a thunderstorm. My thoughts went to Alex. How could a relationship with him ever possibly work? I pushed the thought aside, remembering his lips on mine, the smell of his skin and hair. I closed my eyes, resting my cheek on the cool glass of the window.
As we neared the beach, the smell of salt air hit me, faint at first—that subtle moisture in the air, the tang of salt and sea life on my tongue. I lowered my window the rest of the way and soaked in the sun, my arm hanging out and my face stretched to the sky—the perfect beach day, eighty degrees and sunny.
We parked the car and I went to unload the beach chairs. When I lifted the back hatch—out tumbled the cooler. Crap! My face flushed with anger, aggravation, annoyance, and then humility. “Brig was right again.”
Mom looked around my shoulder. “Isn’t he always?”
The old mom would have freaked about the mess. Instead, we both started laughing and picked up the sandwiches, drinks and scattered ice cubes. We spent the next twenty minutes rearranging the back of the truck.
I wondered what was different about her. She seemed calmer, more at peace the past few days. Maybe it was just being on vacation, but she was starting to let go—of me, of Levi, of the past. I suppose being forced to start over at forty was bound to affect a person. If all you’ve known is being a mother and a provider, how do you figure out who you are when that role changes? I felt sad for my mom. Would she be one of those empty-nest mothers who wandered the house crying and grieving? Or would she use this time to go back to school and get a degree and start living her own life? I found myself desperately hoping for the second to be true. We loaded our arms with chairs, blanket, and the umbrella and cooler, struggling with everything between the two of us.
When we finally crested the dunes, the view was spectacular, except for the million or so other people on the beach. Waves rolled into the shore, one after the other, splashing up over sandcastles and dragging pebbles and shells out into the sea. Mom and I claimed a spot and laid out our blanket and set our chairs in the sand. We dosed up on sun block and Mom put up the umbrella. Grateful for the shade, I pulled my baseball cap over my forehead, protecting my face, which was just beginning to feel better. I sat looking out over the waves while Mom settled into a reclining position on the beach chair.
Patches of cottony white clouds with bright blue spaces between them filled the sky. The misty shape of Block Island sat on the horizon, reminding me of a giant turtle shell. Huge ships appeared as small as toys and barely moved in the distance. As much as I hated to admit it, the view would only be made better by Alex sitting beside me. Common sense told me that no matter what, I needed to be okay without him. But my hormones made my skin itch with the desire to be close to him. Before I had the chance to wonder how he and Brig would find us on the beach, I spotted the two of them winding their way through the hordes of people sprawled across the sand.
“Well, I’ll be…” Brig tipped his fishing hat back and rubbed his jaw, setting his tackle box and fishing pole onto the edge of the blanket.
“I told you I could find them.” Alex had the latest techno-gadget in his hand, showing Brig the screen. “It’s simply a matter of triangulating the GPS signal from her cell phone.” He eyed me smugly.
“That’s a pretty handy talent you have there, son.” Brig examined the device, enthralled by the possibilities no doubt.
I glared at both of them. “I suppose my civil liberties are of no concern to either of you?”
The smile left Alex’s face and he handed the unit to Brig. “Sorry. I just wanted to try it out.” Then he flashed a broad grin. “I did find you, though.”
“And you’re going to show me later how to deactivate the GPS in my cell phone, right?”
After lunch, we spent the rest of the afternoon walking on the beach, playing Frisbee, and swimming in the ocean. This late in the season, the water was tolerable, though still nippy. I hardly noticed. I felt so happy and relaxed riding the waves with Alex, laughing together as we dove under the curling tunnels before they could crash on us.
When we were out beyond the breakwater, the two of us bobbed up and down like corks on the swells that rolled toward shore. After my near drowning, I felt a little apprehensive going into deep water, but within minutes my attention was drawn completely to Alex. His strength and agility made me feel safe. There appeared to be no limits to his adaptability with his leg. He stood shoulder deep a few feet away, his hair wet and spiky, his face lit with a confidence and peace I hadn’t seen since before he’d left for Iraq.
I took the opportunity to close in on him. He didn’t resist when I wrapped my arms around his neck. Instead, he pulled me close, his hands at my waist sending a swirl of warmth to my belly. “It’s been a great vacation, Coop.”
His face changed to a look of concern. “It definitely has…but I have to tell you something and you aren’t going to like it,” he said.
“What do you mean?” My heart rate doubled and I pulled back, my arms unwilling to let go completely. I rested them on his shoulders, the feel of muscles bunching under my hands making it hard to focus on what he’d said.
“I have to go away for a while.”
I snapped to full attention. “For how long?”
“I don’t know.”
“Where are you…?
He pressed his lips to mine, holding me tight and stealing my question. After a long, breathless kiss, he broke away, the two of us hopping together to jump the next wave.
“I can’t give you any details, Jordie. I know you want more, but…I can’t.” His face had a stubborn, h
ard expression, and I figured it was useless to argue.
Instead, I narrowed my eyes, Brig’s words coming back to me about Alex not being responsible for my happiness and his needing to find his own way. “I get it,” I said, “You have to go and you can’t tell me where or why.” My teeth began to chatter, fear creeping into my chest. “Just promise me you’ll come back,” I said softly, a gull overhead casting a shadow as it flew past.
He pulled me close and rested his forehead on mine. I closed my eyes, the water holding us buoyant as we pushed off the bottom at the same time. His face was so close I felt the warmth of his breath, his hard body encompassing mine. The safety I had always felt with him seemed tenuous, like something huge was about to come along and pull us apart.
Alex held me in a tight embrace. I wrapped my legs around his waist, and there I clung, the heat between us infused with an intensity that made me want to both laugh and cry. He jumped one more wave and said, “I can only promise to do my best.” His eyes filled with a certainty that sent all my fears scattering. “I have every reason in the world to want to come back…right here in my arms.” He kissed me sweet and slow, the ebbing waves holding us together and lifting our bodies with the rhythm of the sea, my heart in danger of being swept away on the tide.
Chapter 30
Later, after we’d unloaded the car, had dinner, and said goodnight with a quick kiss on the front porch, I sat in my room, contemplating my first day at school tomorrow and wondering when Alex planned to leave. I hoped it wouldn’t be for a few days. We’d just started to really connect. It was killing me not to know exactly where he was going or when he would be back. No amount of pestering could drag any more info out of him and Alex reminded me that we shouldn’t spend our limited time together arguing. Since kissing seemed preferable to butting my head against a brick wall, I let it go and enjoyed the moment.