by PJ Sharon
Ten minutes later, we burst into the kitchen, both of us laughing and dripping wet. I tossed Alex a clean dish towel and hung my rain coat in the mud room, kicking off my boots and trying to get a grip on my emotions as I shuddered from the cold. Part of me was so ecstatic Alex was here, I wanted to squeal. But the other part of me—the part that had been crushed and fuming for the past seven weeks—wanted to give him a swift kick. At the very least, I didn’t want him to see how much his absence had affected me.
“Not that I’m not glad to see you, but what were you doing breaking into Brig’s private office?” I stood barefoot in soggy sweatpants in the kitchen and peeled off my sweater, self-conscious that I was wearing only a damp and clinging tank top and that I was chilled to the bone. I waited while Alex dried his face and rubbed the small towel over his wet hair, his eyes following my every movement.
“He asked me to get some information and fax it to him.” Cutting me off before I could ask the next question, he said, “How else would I have access to his office?” My voice caught in my throat as he pulled his wet tee-shirt off over his head. “Have you got a dry shirt I could wear?” I stared at his bare, muscled chest, and my mouth went dry.
I found him one of Brig’s flannel shirts and turned my back, putting the hot water on to boil for tea. My hands trembled. From the chill of the rain, the taste of his kiss that lingered on my lips, or the sight of him shirtless in my kitchen, I couldn’t be sure. Before I could decide, my mother burst through the kitchen door, a sopping grocery bag in her arms.
“It’s awful out there…” She stopped when she saw Alex. She stared, eyes wide, darting suspicious glances between us.
I suppose it didn’t look good, Alex buttoning the third button of the flannel shirt and looking much like the Brawny paper towel guy standing in our kitchen, me half-dressed and looking like I’d just rolled in the dirt with him, which technically, I had. “Mom…look…Alex is home.”
Chapter 32
“So I see. Hello, Alex.” She set the groceries on the counter and surprised us both when she hugged him. “Welcome back.” She sent me a sly smile. “We missed you.” Then her face fell. “Jordie, you’re a mess. Go get cleaned up and I’ll fix us a snack. Then Alex can tell us all about his trip.”
Leave it to Mom to cut to the chase and still be polite. Alex nodded and took a seat obediently, his face a calm mask I couldn’t decipher. I retreated upstairs, changed into flannel pajama bottoms and a dry UCONN Huskies sweatshirt, and washed up in the bathroom. My hair was a wild mess that would take me fifteen minutes to get a brush through, so I pulled it back in a frizzy bunch, stuffed my feet into warm slippers and dashed back downstairs. Mom was putting the final touches on giant ice cream sundaes and serving tea.
The three of us sat at the kitchen table, my mother and I sitting across from Alex like a tribunal ready to interrogate a witness. Although it was hard to look threatening while eating a spoonful of gooey hot fudge and Chunky Monkey ice cream with heaps of whipped cream. Alex took a few hungry mouthfuls before starting.
“First, let me say that I’m sorry I haven’t been in touch.” He paused, setting his spoon down and straightening his shoulders as if he was preparing for me to blow up. When I didn’t respond, he relaxed and continued. “An opportunity came up and I had to go. There wasn’t time to say good-bye.”
“We understand,” Mom said. She laid her hand over mine, stifling the sarcastic remark that sprang to the tip of my tongue. Her fingers felt warm and reassuring and I figured for now, we would do it her way.
Alex seemed to appreciate her efforts because all of his attention went to my mother. His face lost the mask and the Alex I knew appeared, strong, confident, and sincere. “I’ve been in Iraq, ma’am. Something Jordie said made me start to remember bits and pieces of what happened and I had to go back and see if I could put it all together. I thought if I could explain exactly what happened on our last mission, it might help put Lee to rest.” He glanced my way, a flash of a sad smile curving his lips.
He went on. “I interviewed several locals who I’d made contact with while I was stationed there. It took some digging, but I eventually found the boy who admitted he was in the house that night. When the shooting started, he hid and watched from behind a couch, but he confirmed your suspicions, Jordie.”
A pounding started in my ears. “What do you mean?”
“I told you that the men in the house were human traffickers. Apparently, they had taken the boy from his aunt and uncle who thought he would be shipped to America to live with an adopted family who could give him a better life. They were paid a sum of money and told to keep quiet.”
“That’s awful,” Mom said. “Is the boy still living with his aunt and uncle? It must be terrible for him to believe his family would sell him off to total strangers.”
“He knows they were doing what they thought was best. Things are difficult for the people in Iraq. Many of them live in horrible conditions, they have no work, and the infrastructure will take decades to recover. Their only hope is that America and the UN will continue their efforts to stabilize the country.”
“So what did you find out from the boy?” I asked, my stomach tightening into a knot as my Sundae melted in the dish. I’d suddenly lost my appetite.
Alex hesitated. “Lee must have seen or heard them through the window. The boy said he was being beaten for trying to run away. Lee rushed in and hit the man with the butt of his gun, and didn’t see the second man come into the room with an AK47. He fired and Lee dropped.” Alex paused, glimpses of emotion crossing his features. “I still don’t remember all of the details myself, but I guess that’s when I came in and took out the second guy.” His face paled and he swallowed hard before continuing. “He must have gotten off a couple of rounds because I felt my leg take the hit and I went down. If I had come in a few seconds sooner…”
Mom reached across the table. “You were trying to be a good soldier and a good friend. Sometimes it’s hard to be both at the same time. No one blames you, Alex.” She had tears in her eyes, and I could tell she was being sincere. “Thank you for telling us. I’m very proud of you. I’m proud of both of you boys.” By now, I had tears in my eyes and Alex looked extremely uncomfortable facing two crying females with his own emotions clearly so close to the surface.
“Well, thank you, ma’am.” He took his hand from beneath hers and leaned back. His shoulders slumped as he said in a low, tight, voice, “I was team leader on the mission. However it went down, I’m still responsible and I have to live with the choices I made. My hesitation caused…the mission to fail.” Alex looked to me solemnly. “If I could go back…I’d do things differently.” He coughed, cleared his throat, and straightened in his chair. “I’m going to do my best to put the past behind me and move forward.” He shifted his gaze to my mother. “I wish I could do more.”
Tears streamed down my mother’s cheeks. “You did all you could do, Alex. Lee…wouldn’t want you blaming yourself. Neither do we,” she added as she squeezed my hand and glanced my way.
Alex nodded solemnly and silence hung in the air like a moment dedicated to Lee. As if the three of us were waiting for him to speak for himself and maybe offer his forgiveness. “The boy also gave me these.” Alex produced a few folded sheets of paper from his back pocket and handed them to my mother. His voice resonated with an echo off the old wood floors and granite-countered kitchen.
“Before the other Marines in our unit busted in the back, the boy took those out of Levi’s flack-jacket and escaped out the door. He thought there might be money in the envelope, but it was just letters.”
Mom opened the pages slowly and her hand went to her mouth, stifling a gasp. She read through the top letter and handed it to me, her hand shaking and her shoulders heaving, overcome with emotion. She caught her breath. “…if you’ll excuse me…I can’t…” she left the papers scattered on the table and hurried upstairs.
I stared at Levi’s left handed scrawl, the
words blurry through my tears.
Dear Mom,
If you’re reading this, I didn’t make it home. I’m sorry for everything I put you thru, but I want you to know that I died doing something important with my life. I only regret that I didn’t get a chance to show you what I could be. I know I disappointed and hurt you sometimes. I’m sorry about that.
If I could go back, I would have done things differently, fought harder to be strong. I just didn’t know how. I spent so much energy trying to escape the pain I was in, that I lost myself to it. I can’t explain it really, but I want you to know it wasn’t your fault. You did the best you could with me. Now you need to forgive yourself and be happy.
You know Dad will take good care of me. I love you…always.
Lee
I gathered the other pages and laid the second letter on top. I wiped my tears away and looked up at Alex, whose face was serious, his eyes glassy as he watched me. I took a breath and read…
Jordie,
Take care of the Rabbit for me. I know it’s a piece of junk, but we all had some good times in it. Maybe when you get a new car, Coop can keep the Rabbit alive for me.
I’m sorry I’m not there to see you turn eighteen, to graduate, go to college, get married and have kids. I would have been a good uncle. You have an awesome future ahead of you. If I can from where I’m going, I’ll be watching over you for all of it. I bet you’ll kick ass in college and try for straight A’s, but don’t forget to enjoy the ride. If this war has taught me anything, it’s that life’s too short to waste time and too long not to have any fun.
You have been the very best part of my life, and I can’t thank you enough for looking out for me growing up. I wish I’d been a better brother, that I could have protected you. You deserve all the best life has to offer. You and Coop take care of each other. I love you guys,
Lee
There was a third letter for Brig, but I didn’t read it. Tears flooded my cheeks and dripped onto the paper. I folded the letters together and laid them on the table. Alex laid a large warm hand on my arm. “He’ll always be a part of us, but I think he would want us to let him go.”
I dropped my face into my hands, his words sinking in, finally. My voice cracked through my words. “I fought so hard to find out the reason for Lee’s death, and now that I know, it doesn’t really change anything, does it?
Alex stood and pulled me to my feet, wrapping his arms around me in a firm embrace. He whispered against my ear. “Trust me, knowing the truth changes everything. If you hadn’t believed in me and pushed me so hard to keep looking for answers, I never would have faced what happened, and I…don’t know where I would be, Jordie.” He stepped back and brushed his thumbs over my cheeks, sweeping away the tears, his eyes intent on mine. “You saved me in ways I can’t begin to explain.” A teardrop slid down Alex’s face, his voice hoarse with emotion. “Please, believe me when I say, the truth makes a difference.”
Chapter 33
Mom and I rode to church the next morning in relative silence, each lost in our own reflections about the letters Levi had written. Up until now, I hadn’t realized I’d felt so cheated out of an opportunity to say good-bye. I read the letter over and over, each time feeling a renewed sense of loss and a precarious sense of closure at the same time.
Alex’s words played in my mind, comforting me with the knowledge that I had made a difference, and that I had been a part of his healing. It also helped me to know that my brother had died for a noble cause, and that my keeping his secret might have somehow led him on the path to his redemption. I would never know for sure. All I knew was that there was no going back, and no point in regrets. I sat through church feeling a little more connected to the faith I’d been raised with, an unexplainable peace washing over me at the thought of Levi looking down on us, our father at his side.
At least now, my mother could let go of any residual worries that Levi’s soul wasn’t at rest. She seemed lighter and more at ease than I’d seen her in a long time at church. Her face had lost the pleading look she got when she stared up at Jesus. The lines at the corners of her eyes turned up now and she sang the hymns with a little more enthusiasm. It wasn’t like she would ever get over losing her son any more than I would get over losing my brother, but it seemed we’d both found a way to live with the pain of letting him go.
On the ride home, I decided it was time to tell her about another letter—three to be exact. I’d received them one at a time a few weeks after school started and I had avoided telling her. I didn’t feel bad about it. I’d needed the time to make up my mind.
“Mom, I got accepted to Stanford…and Columbia…and Harvard…”
“You what?” she squealed. The CR-V swerved. “When? Why didn’t you tell…”
“Calm down and listen to me. And watch the road, for God’s sake!” She swerved again, this time avoiding a squirrel. “I didn’t tell you because I’m not going.”
“What do you mean, you aren’t going?” Her brows furrowed and her knuckles on the steering wheel turned white.
“I’ve thought a lot about why I wanted to be a doctor and I came to the conclusion that it was your dream…you and Dad’s…not mine.” I took a deep breath. “I want to stay in Connecticut and go to the University here. They have a great Physical Therapy program and I can specialize in rehabilitation of veterans. I really think I can make a difference. After helping Alex through his rehab, I realized how much I’ve learned from Vic all these years. The martial arts, the yoga, the aquatic therapy, the meditation—it’s what I want to do…”
Mom was silent for a few minutes, her face softening. “I’ve only ever wanted you to be happy, Jordan. Your father would be very proud of you. I know I am…if you’re sure it’s what you want…”
A lump formed in my throat, “So you won’t mind if I live at home—at least the first year? Maybe next year I’ll live in a dorm on campus out in Storrs, but right now…I’m not ready to move away.” I looked out the window, embarrassed to admit my fear of leaving home. Maybe I just needed a little more time to get used to the idea of how much had changed in my life in such a short time.
Mom glanced my way, her eyes bright. “I would love to have you stay close to home, Sweetie.” Then her smile dimmed. “I just hope you aren’t doing this because of Alex.”
I thought about it for a minute and answered honestly. “I made this decision while Alex was away and I had no idea when or if he would come back. I know I can’t plan my life around what he is or isn’t going to do. This is what I want. I’m sure of it.”
We pulled into the driveway and my heart did a quick backflip. Alex was sitting on the porch. He stood to meet me, a happy grin making his face glow. My belly quivered. I really had missed his smile. He greeted me with a hug and Mom shuffled past us, giving me a knowing raise of her brow.
“I’ll see you two later. Jordan, don’t forget to invite Alex and his mom to Thanksgiving dinner.” She disappeared into the house, leaving us staring after her.
“I guess your mom is cool with everything, huh?” he asked.
“She’s coming around,” I said, hugging him back and looking beyond him to the house. A feeling of relief and gratitude filled my heart. I stepped out of his embrace, the chill in the air making me sorry I hadn’t worn a heavier jacket. The day was sunny, but the dampness from last night’s storm clung to the air, making it feel raw.
“Let’s walk. I need to talk to you,” he said. He took my hand and our fingers wove together in that perfect fitting way, my pinky resting between his ring and middle finger. His warmth gave me a shiver against the cool air. “Here, take my jacket.” He handed me his jean jacket, not appearing any worse for having just a hoodie on to keep him warm.
I slipped the jacket over my sweater and inhaled the scent of him, a smile curving my lips. He took my hand again and pulled me along. My heart did a fluttery dance, filling me with warmth and excitement. We walked past the remnants of Brig’s garden, a huge plot that
had grown every year until it consumed most of the yard. A few last tomatoes hung on the vines and a row of cabbages and brussell sprouts remained left to harvest along with the root vegetables that would stay in and winter over.
“What did you want to talk about?” I asked, a nervous knot forming in my stomach. I hated the thought of his leaving again.
“I wanted to apologize again for starters. I know how mad you must have been that I left without saying good-bye.” He glanced down at me, studying my reaction.
“I’ll admit I was hurt. And yes, I was mad for a while, but I was more worried than anything. You could have called, texted, e-mailed…something.”
“I really couldn’t…but I thought about you every day. I can’t explain…” he let out a frustrated breath. “It’s protocol on a mission to have no contact with family or friends. They don’t want us to be distracted…”
“Who are they?” I asked, my pulse rate jumping a notch.
He smirked, “I can’t tell you that, either. Let’s just say, my trip to Iraq was kind of like a job interview.”
“Do you have to go back again—to Iraq?” I felt my eyes widen. “Did you reenlist? Did the Marines change their minds?” My palm had started sweating in his and I let go, turning to face him, fear and anger colliding.
“No. My discharge was official and final. The Marines have no place for a soldier who can’t function at full capacity in battle.” He looked down at his leg, knocking on the hard composite material with his knuckles. “Thanks to my new hardware, I’m not fit for full duty.” He wrapped an arm around my shoulder and pulled me along to keep me warm and keep us moving forward. “I’m not really sure what’s going to happen next. That’s why I wanted to talk to you.”
Alex led me to a sunny spot on the side of the barn. The building blocked the breeze and the sun’s rays reflected heat off the red wood. We climbed up on the fence rail and sat side by side like we had on a summer’s day long ago. It dawned on me that we had kissed for the first time at this very spot. I didn’t think he’d brought me here by accident. “The thing is Jordie…I can’t make any promises right now. My future is pretty uncertain and I don’t want you to change your plans and wait around for me.”