by PJ Sharon
It was unseasonably balmy and the scent of earth and moss and moisture filled the air. We stood quietly taking in the beauty and majesty of the thirty foot wall of rushing water, the sound drowning out the beating of my heart. Alex turned me to face him, moisture clinging to our skin and making us both shiver. He wrapped his arms around me and his eyes found mine.
“Are you sure you don’t want to go away to school? Stanford or Harvard would have been awesome opportunities.”
I finally said what I’d wanted to say for months, but had been too afraid—afraid he didn’t feel the same way, or that my brother would always stand between us, or maybe just because I was afraid I could lose Alex, too. No matter the consequences, I needed to say it now. “Everything and everyone I love is here, Coop.” I wrapped my arms around his neck and leaned up to kiss him, our eyes following each other’s lips until they met in a sweet, slow kiss.
When we opened our eyes, Alex smiled shyly and said, “I’m glad to hear it.” He hesitated and added softly, “I’ve loved you forever, you know.”
My eyes went wide and my heart swelled. “Really?”
“I think it happened when I helped you up after you fell off your bike the first time we met. You were only six years old, and even through your tears, you kicked the bike.” His grin widened as he touched his nose to mine. “You were so cute. I knew then, I was a goner.”
My heart sang with contentment. Then I was instantly angry. “Wait! If you really felt that way, why didn’t you say something?” I punched him in the arm.
“Ow! I tell you I love you and you punch me.” He laughed, which served to make me feel foolish and madder all at the same time. “And you wonder why I never told you before,” he said, mock indignation in his voice.
“You know what I mean. Why didn’t you tell me?”
He waited before responding, a sheepish look taking over his face. “I made a promise to Lee that I would wait until you were eighteen before I…said or did anything about it.” He was holding me in his arms again, our bodies pressed together and the sound of the falls loud in the air beside us, the mist making my hair frizz into curls around my face.
“I can’t believe he would ask you to make such a stupid promise.” Anger seeped into my words and a million thoughts ran through my head at once. If only Alex had told me. At least then I would have understood. How could my brother have put such a burden of responsibility on his best friend? Then again, maybe I would have tried to convince Alex that my age shouldn’t matter and we might have ruined things by being too young and doing something stupid.
The weight of responsibility hit me for the first time. The idea that I had a future and that every choice I made along the way would bring me on a journey that was mine and mine alone. Happy and sad times that I would share, endure, and savor—opportunities to impact the lives of others in a positive way—the thought that I could make a difference in the world—all flashed through my mind. I wondered if Levi had known something that I didn’t and that maybe, he had come to that realization too. I hoped he did, and that he died believing there was a purpose for each of us in this life.
Alex’s voice brought my attention back to the moment. “Lee wanted to protect you, Jordie. He loved you. He only wanted what was best for you.” His voice grew softer as he tucked a curl behind my ear. “I think he would be okay with us being together now.”
I had forgotten to tell him about the letter, but it didn’t seem to matter anymore. “I think you’re right. Lee would have been happy for us.”
He ran a finger down my cheek and then gently kissed my forehead, his lips warm on my cool skin. “Everything’s going to be all right, now.”
As I did when I was little, I believed him. I didn’t know what the future held for us and part of me was terrified, but I looked up to the top of the falls and said, “If Lee were here, I think he would say, ‘Just jump’.”
Epilogue
Winter passed and spring burst with color, a warm breeze, and the scent of lilacs thick in the air. As promised, Alex was home to take me to the prom. I had only imagined how great he would look in a tux, and man, I wasn’t disappointed. In classic black and white, we made an entrance that rivaled Prince William and Kate Middleton. All eyes, including the glaring Principal Griffin, followed us onto the dance floor where Alex proved to be a surprisingly graceful partner—at least for slow dances.
“When do you leave on your next trip?” I asked, making a point not to ask for details on location or how long he might be gone this time. So far, his trips had only been for a few days or a week at most.
“I’m not sure,” he said, his green eyes dark and mysterious in the dim light as he turned me in slow circles. “But I promise you’ll be the first to know.”
His smile never failed to send warm tingles to my insides and I found it impossible to stay mad or upset with him for long. Being best friends had its advantages. I’d decided that I could forgive him just about anything knowing we would always be there for each other—even when we were apart. Being able to each stand on our own made our time together less about what we were missing and more about what we shared in common.
The payoff was that after a week of being apart, the welcome home included a lot of kissing. The kissing had led to more and we were struggling to find our way in unfamiliar territory. Neither of us wanted to do anything that would compromise our friendship or our futures, but we were heading to an inevitable moment of pushing beyond the tentative boundary that lay between us.
If it were totally up to me, I would have booked a hotel room that night and made things ‘official.’ As usual, Alex was determined to do the right thing. He didn’t want the prom night cliché. He’d said, when the time was right, he wanted it to be special. I didn’t argue. More than anything else, I was learning to trust him and let things happen in their own time. When the time came, I knew it would be right. He already had my whole heart. It was just a matter of time before we shared body and soul and I couldn’t wait for that day. No pushing the river, as Vic liked to remind me. Alex seemed to understand this concept much better than I did, except when it came to his own recovery from his PTSD symptoms.
He was still in counseling and working through the residual nightmares that took him back to the moment when my brother’s eyes went empty and he lost his best friend. Sometimes we would talk about it, but mostly we tried to put it all behind us. I would wait until that memory no longer stood between us, no matter how long it took.
Grief is a weird and powerful force. It creeps in when you least expect it and colors your memories, smoothing out the rough edges and softening the scars. Time truly does heal all wounds, even if the scars that are left behind break open once in a while to remind us how fragile life can be. I had come to realize that the wounds you couldn’t see were the ones that took the longest to heal. My family would heal in time, adapting to our new state of being without Levi, each of us carrying our own regrets about how we could have loved him more—or at least differently.
Mom and Roger were engaged on Valentine’s Day, which I thought was a little fast, but Mom reminded me that life was too short to waste time, a quote from Levi’s last letter which she knew I would understand. The friction between us had dissipated considerably with this new philosophy we’d adopted about accepting each other’s differences and flaws, and respecting each other’s choices. Mom was finally letting go and letting me grow up without making me feel guilty about it.
Brig still played poker with the guys on the last Friday of the month, but he now included Alex in his circle of comrades. I could see Alex becoming more confident and relaxed in his new role as Brig’s business partner every day, and I had no doubt he would be a great asset to the team. I tried not to worry and to leave Alex in the hands of God or the Universe or whoever was in control up there, because it was now clear to me that I had no control over anything in life besides myself and my own choices.
Levi’s last letter to Brig, the one I hadn’t been
able to read the night Alex brought it home from Iraq, remained folded on top of my stack in the wooden box under my bed. Brig had given a copy to me and Mom and I took it out to read it again.
Dear Brig,
I’m sorry I didn’t make it back like I promised you I would. I want you to know I did my best over here to make you proud. You’ve done so much for me. I hope you know how much I appreciate it. And thanks for keeping me and Coop together. It’s meant a lot having a friend here.
I know you’ll take care of Jordie and Mom, but could you look after Coop too? He’s been without a dad for a long time. We had that in common. I guess it’s why we’re so tight. I know he’ll treat Jordie right. It’s pretty obvious those two were meant to be together. And don’t let Mom get between them. You know how overprotective she can be. I wish she could just lighten up and not be so hard on herself and everybody else. I don’t think God would expect her to be perfect or to be right all the time. Heaven would be a lonely place if we all had to earn our way in. From what I’ve seen, I think it comes down to good and evil, and what this war has taught me, is that nobody is all one or the other. I guess only God can judge who goes where.
It stands to reason there must be a heaven—a place we go where there’s no more pain and suffering. After the things I’ve seen, I’m thinking hell is right here on earth since there is so much ugliness in this world. It makes me wonder what happens to the people who hurt those who are innocent—is there any justice?
All I know is I’ve seen a lot of good people who have died in this war—people who fought for those who can’t fight for themselves--guys who fought even when they were scared. Those guys are the real heroes. I think there must be a special place in heaven for them. I only hope there’s room for me.
Lee
I folded the letter and returned it to the top of the pile. Then I wiped my tears, smiled, and closed the lid on the box, certain that if there was a heaven, my brother had found a place there.
PJ Sharon is author of several soon to be released, independently published, contemporary young adult novels, including HEAVEN IS FOR HEROES. Her stories have garnered several contest finals, including two awards for her upcoming book ON THIN ICE, due out in December, and a place in the prestigious Valley Forge Romance Writers’ contest for SAVAGE CINDERELLA, coming out in the spring of 2012.
Writing romantic fiction for the past six years, and following her destiny to write Extraordinary stories of an average teenage life, PJ is mother to two grown sons and lives with her husband and her dog in the Berkshire Hills of Western MA.
Visit her website @ www.pjsharon.com
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