In a way I’d always believed that we were each other’s safe place. Each other’s home, because home was the one thing neither of us had ever really had. Not in the sense that home ought to be anyway.
But standing there with him, suddenly we were so much more and I could no longer tell where I ended and he began as our bodies seemed to melt into one perfectly. How had I never noticed it before? How many times had I held him? Had he held me? Countless times. But he hadn’t ever kissed me. And I hadn’t ever wanted him to. Not until now.
I turned back to look at him. He was pale and beads of sweat had started to form on his forehead again. The content smile on his face suggesting his emotional well-being was a complete contradiction to his physical state.
“I think maybe we’ve had enough excitement for now. Let’s get you back inside.”
He nodded, but made no attempt to loosen his grip on me, even after I took a couple of steps.
“Seriously?” I laughed.
“I go where you go. You want me to go back to bed, you better be headed there with me.”
I shook my head at the ridiculousness of his demands. “Come on.” And, taking small steps, we made our way back inside like a strange four legged, four armed, two headed creature.
We slept for hours, both of us exhausted from the previous days. I got up several times to make sure Blaise was staying hydrated even if he still refused to eat anything. At this point I couldn’t blame him. My appetite had been on hiatus ever since he’d made his little speech on the deck that morning and the raging butterflies were making it impossible to even consider food. Had he really said he was in love with me? It had certainly sounded that way.
Well, he better be if he plans on making me fall for him! Although, the level of effort required was decreasing with every passing second. If my insides continued to unravel at this speed, he wouldn’t have to do shit. I’d be there already. In love. With Blaise.
I closed my eyes in a panic and automatically nestled up closer to him. Damn it. But I didn’t move.
It took another forty-eight hours, but by the fourth morning in Bora Bora, Blaise woke up looking almost human again. He was still pale and his eyes had dark shadows under them and were blood shot from puking for three days, but his standard smirk was resting on his lips already when I opened my eyes.
“What?”
“You, that’s what. How come I never knew you talk in your sleep?”
I pulled myself up onto my elbow. “Because you were always in a booze induced coma and I always got up way before you.”
“Damn. Don’t sugarcoat that shit for me or anything.” His hand came up to my face. My cheek cradled in his palm, fingers gently massaging my scalp behind my ears. “Well, I’m sorry I missed it. Makes me wonder what else I didn’t see when it was right in front of me.”
“Here’s something you might not be aware of, I need coffee. Like, within minutes of waking up.”
He grinned and leaned in to kiss me softly on the cheek. “That part I knew already, but I can take a hint.” He folded back the sheets and slipped out of the bed we’d shared for the last two days.
“And then we should go see the beach,” I called after him. “We’re in Bora Bora for fuck’s sake. We’ve been here for days and we haven’t seen anything outside of this room.”
He nodded, busy adding all the extra sweets I required in my coffee to the cup before placing it into the Keurig. “We should definitely go see the beach. You can drink your coffee and then go shower. I’ll order us some breakfast so we can get out of here.”
“You’re going to order breakfast?” I cocked my head to the side in disbelief.
“Yeah. I am able to place a food order, you know. I’ll even order things you like, a gesture I’ve noticed you’ve lapsed on as of late.”
I shrugged. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
He placed a kiss smack on my lips as he bent down and handed me my cup of coffee. “Sure you don’t.”
My eyes spent a suspicious amount of time traveling up and down the length of his body as I watched him walk over to the small desk in the corner of the room to scour the menu for a suitable breakfast buffet.
Then, after several long sips of coffee the fog began to clear and I remembered it was Blaise’s ass I was staring at so keenly. Fine, it was a nice ass. And yeah, I was apparently kissing him on the regular now, but was I really, truly, actually ogling him from across the room? I was. Ugh. I really freaking was.
After showering and properly stuffing my face on Brioche and eggs, Blaise finally took me out to explore the island’s beaches and for the next few days we did all the things you’re supposed to do while on vacation.
We went snorkeling and scuba diving. Paddle boarding and fishing. Took private boat and helicopter tours. And when we weren’t busy being massive tourists, we were eating our way through every menu we came into contact with. Ten days into our trip and I had almost forgotten what had brought us there to begin with.
For the most part, Blaise seemed to be handling his new sobriety surprisingly well. His body had definitely cut ties with the addiction, but the mental aspect of it all continued to be a struggle and I wondered how much harder it would be when we had to leave behind our temporary paradise and return to the real world where old habits would be that much easier to fall back into.
In the meantime, the new shift in our relationship had settled in. It was weird in a way, because I’d never actually been courted, and weirder still because I was quite certain Blaise had never ‘courted’, but that did seem to be what was happening. And even stranger still, that sort of seemed to be the extent of it.
Throughout the day, we did the simple couple things. We held hands. Stood closer than necessary and overall did appear to be on some sort of a mission to break a record for most public displays of affection while on vacation, but aside from spending hours upon hours making out until my lips were raw and I was buying Chapstick in bulk, Blaise had made no other moves to take things further. Which was completely out of character and unnerving to say the least.
“What are you doing out here?” It was three a.m. and Blaise had tracked me down sitting out on the patio in the pitch black.
“Just enjoying,” I spread my arms out toward the night, ”this.”
He lowered himself down to sit behind me on the lounge chair. “I’m going to miss this place.”
I nodded. “Me too. Everything has been so perfect this last week. I almost don’t want to go back.”
“Things have been perfect. But that doesn’t have to stop just because we leave here. I mean, sure, the scenery has been incredible, but it’s not the setting that has made our time here so amazing. It’s you. Me. Us.”
I leaned back into his chest. God, how badly I wanted to believe him. “You’re not worried?”
“Of course.” He kissed the side of my head softly through my windblown hair. “But, then I remind myself, my track record speaks for itself.”
I frowned. “How the fuck is that a good thing?”
“It’s an excellent thing. Look at everything I’ve done in my life, Ava. Have you ever known me to halfass anything? No. When I finally decided to pursue music, I didn’t just play in your garage for a few years during high school before growing up and getting a real job. I went all balls to the walls with that shit. I existed on Ramen Noodles and instant mashed potatoes, lived out of an old minivan and stayed committed for the long haul until we made it big. Same as you did. Same as the guys did. And once we hit rock star status, I didn’t hold back there either. I went for it one hundred percent. Same as I committed to being a top of the line fuck up. You can’t say I don’t follow through, Ava. Maybe my choices suck sometimes, but when I decide to do something, I do it. All the way.”
I didn’t know whether his little speech was supposed to make me laugh or cry. As of yet I was on the fence and just kept my mouth shut.
“This will be no different. I’m committed to being sober. More
importantly, I’m committed to being with you.” He crossed both arms around my chest and held me close to him.
“Why? Why now? What makes today so different from two weeks ago when you were committed to getting shitfaced and fucking scary red heads.” I knew it was a low blow. Part of me was looking for a fight, but Blaise didn’t bite.
“Look Ava, I get it. I need to prove myself. I never expected you to just take my word for it and move forward as if I’d never done the things I’ve done. So, let me do it. Let me prove myself. I’m in no rush. Whatever I have to do, however long I need to do it. I’m in.”
I wanted to believe him more than anything. But I knew Blaise. I knew he wasn’t capable of not fucking up. And that was minus the addictions. On the other hand, we’d been best friends for fifteen years and in that entire time, I’d never heard him talk like this.
“So when you forget, when you’re tempted to fall back into your old habits, when the darkness lures you in and when you seek out the shadows to guard you from the light of the truth, you’ll listen to me when I repeat back to you the words you just said to me?”
He nodded. “Repeat those words to me every day if you think I need to be reminded of them. Scream them at me if I scare you. Shout them if I piss you off. Whisper them if you lose faith and think I’m too far gone to hear you. If you say them, I’ll listen.”
“Promise me.” Because I knew he wouldn’t. He couldn’t.
“Promise what? That I won’t forget? That I’ll do whatever it takes for however long it takes?”
I shook my head and felt my hair stick on the stubble along his jaw. “No. Promise me that from now on there will be no more secrets. Ever again.” I sucked in a loud gasp of air. “Promise me, Blaise.”
He didn’t answer. I knew he wouldn’t.
I could feel him move behind me. When he stood up I had to bite my lip to keep from succumbing to my tears. I was already in too deep. I’d never escape Blaise without a broken heart.
I was looking down at my own knees to keep from having to meet his gaze. It wasn’t until he reached into my lap to retrieve my hands that I realized he hadn’t intended to leave.
He pulled me up to my feet, then, ducking down to look me in the eye he said it. “I promise, Ava.”
“Blaise...”
He rested his forehead on mine and draped my arms over the back of his neck. “Dance with me.”
“There’s no music.” Sometimes I thought he forgot not everyone could hear the melody that never seemed to stop in his own mind.
Arms crossed over my back, his hands settled onto my waist as he began to sway us back and forth. “There’s always music. Listen.”
I closed my eyes. The wind was whistling softly in the distance and the crash of the waves created a rhythmic pulse to move to. Then…
“Baby I may be a fallen man
But I could be saved by you
All the bad that I have done
I know you could undo
I’ve pulled you into my misery
And then I’ve pushed you away
Baby I don’t know what keeps you
Why on earth you choose to stay
Don’t ask me why you’re holding on
I sure as hell don’t know
But I know for damn sure
There’s no way I’ll ever let you go
Baby I may be a fallen man
But I could be saved by you
All the bad that I have done
I know you could undo
Cuz someday I’ll see the sun again
And I will find a way to make you smile
And all that was good in me
Will return after a while
And then you’ll see the man you love
Baby, I know how much you’ve missed him
You always saw me in your heart
And someday I’ll be that man again.
Yeah, Baby I may be a fallen man
But I could be saved by you
All the bad that I have done
I know you could undo
Because I know I could be saved by you.”
***
I could feel Ava’s tears soaking through my t-shirt. Was it really fair what I was asking of her? All that I was putting her through just because I selfishly wanted her. Wasn’t it a true testament of love to set someone free? No, that didn’t apply to our situation. Ava didn’t want to be free. She wanted me to be free. She wanted us both to be free. Together.
Maybe I couldn’t erase the past, but that didn’t mean I couldn’t paint us a new future. I had everything I needed. My career was solid. I had money coming out of my ass. I could give her anything she wanted. Not that she needed me to. She’d been getting her own cut of our profits from day one. She’d earned them. We’d still be playing for the change in a tip jar down at Rusty’s place if it hadn’t been for her. And for all the assholes who’d underestimated her, she’d negotiated better and higher deals than any newbies had ever gotten. Ava was smart. She was tough. But she wasn’t invincible. And after all the times I’d allowed myself to fall for her charade I’d never allow myself to forget it again.
“If this is too much…if I’m asking too much…”
“Stop it.” She looked up at me, her eyes puffy and bloodshot. “That’s not it. I’m not crying because I’m having a meltdown.”
“Then why?”
“Because…I never realized how much I wanted this. I thought you were getting up to walk away and it all came crashing in on me. All these fucking feelings that I’ve never confronted and frankly don’t know what to do with. Then, you stay, you promise.” She wiped her eyes with the back of her hand. “You sing that song to me…and I thought of all the times I’ve heard you sing and wondered what it might be like to be the one you wrote those words for. It just all hit me, you know?”
I had to laugh. “You’ve wondered what it would be like to have me write a song for you? Well, wonder no more, Ava. Every last one of them has been about you.”
She punched my shoulder. “Shut up. You’re such an idiot.” She was shaking her head at me.
“First of all, OW! And second, I’m being completely serious. Come to think of it, coming clean and telling you how I feel could really screw up my mojo. What am I going to write about if I’m no longer in need of expressing the secret feelings I harbor for you?”
Finding Nolan wasn’t exactly known for their happy dance tunes. It was the gut wrenchingly painful ballads people tuned in for. In a way, it’d always made me feel better knowing there were several million people out there just as fucked up as I was.
“You’re serious.” She still didn’t believe me.
“Yeah.”
“All of them. Wait. What about Damaged? I always thought that was about your mother.” The expression on her face was enough for me to take a step back. Damaged could easily be taken the wrong way and I was likely to get punched a second time.
“Yes, Damaged, too.”
I’d been wrong. She didn’t get angry at all. Instead her hands clutched at my shirt as she pulled herself up to her tiptoes and kissed me hard on the lips.
Her breath was hot and soft against my mouth when she broke away. “Thank you. Thank you for seeing me. For really seeing me and never pretending not to.”
Chapter 11
After showering Blaise with my tears and God knew what else, I hadn’t left him much choice but to change out of his soggy t-shirt and into something dryer and more comfortable. Of course I hadn’t quite been prepared for what I saw when he came strolling out of the bathroom and walked past the bed on his way to the minibar.
“Gonna grab a bottle of water. You want one?”
He was buck ass naked and my eyes traveled straight to his penis. They’d never done that before.
“Shit.” I dove head first into my pillow, giggling like a twelve year old. Blaise stopped and came back, looming over my head. “You know, a guy could get a complex from a reaction like that.”
“Yeah, but not from you.” His voice dropped several octaves into a low growl. It sent a slew of sensations all through my body. I didn’t dare lift my head now.
“Water.” I held up my hand and pointed blindly toward the kitchen area. “Now!”
“Yes, ma’am.” He nipped at my ear before he went and I nearly lost it.
I stayed face down in my pillow until the rest of my body mellowed. Suddenly Blaise was making me feel like a fucking dog in heat, ready to back my vagina into his penis first chance I got. And that was NOT how I wanted things to go down. Ugh, and why was it that every thought in my head now sounded like it came with a sexual undertone? I felt like I was running a ‘That’s what she said’ marathon in my mind.
When was the last time I’d had sex anyway? Three months? Four? No. Over six. Damn. And that had been with Lee. Which almost didn’t even count. Or at least it shouldn’t have. I didn’t tend to consider it a valid effort if I didn’t meet with the magic O at some point, and with Lee those meetings had always been noticeably absent for me. And it’s not like I’m the kind of girl who will fake it. I’ve never been one to give unwarranted praise. Lee just didn’t seem to have a problem with that.
“Still thinking about my penis?” Blaise handed me a bottle of water and then climbed back under the covers beside me.
“No. Actually I was thinking about Lee’s.” Mostly I just said it to see the face he’d make.
“That shit’s fucked up. Why are you talking to me about Lee’s dick?!”
“You asked.” I hid my grin behind the rim of my bottle and had a nice long sip. It was chilled perfectly and I was definitely in need of cooling down.
“Besides, I thought you said he was a bad lay, what exactly triggered those thoughts? Because I can assure you, my dick knows what the fuck it’s doing. I’ll prove it right now if you want.”
Lost Avalon: A Finding Nolan Novel Page 8