I shoved a brownie slathered in Nutella into my mouth. “What made you think I wouldn’t just fix this?”
He shrugged. “Isn’t that what you’re doing?”
I felt the lump rise in my throat again and nearly choked on the load of chocolate going down. These stupid feelings were really going to need to move it along. I couldn’t even say anything. I just nodded repeatedly and slurped coffee for the next two hours, taking breaks for brownies intermittently until I thought I might throw up.
Before I could get to that point, Royce was busy tucking me under the covers on his bed.
“Listen. Girls are generally not invited here, so I hope you realize how special you are. And, as a girl, there are certain rules I’m going to need you to follow. First of all, there will be absolutely no blanket hogging here. I don’t care how cute you look in your sleep, it’s not happening. Second, stick to your own pillow. I’ve seen you passed out, and girlfriend, you drool. Lastly, I’ve decided to make an exception just this once and allow cuddling. So, bring it on over here.”
Torn between giggling and bawling some more, I scooted myself over to him until I was resting my head on his chest with his arm wrapped snugly around me. It wasn’t home, but at least it was safe.
Morning came about two seconds later, but I was too exhausted to acknowledge it. I had a faint recollection of hearing Royce moving around the room and vaguely remembered being kissed on the forehead before I sunk back into what turned into several hours more of a dreamless sleep.
It was after three o’clock in the afternoon by the time I drug myself out of bed and into the shower. From there, I wandered into the kitchen for more coffee and brownies. Royce had left a note for me taped to the coffee maker telling me to make myself at home, but I couldn’t.
As welcoming as it was to be taken care of by someone else for a change, I wouldn’t be able to continue staying in a house that was in such close proximity to Blaise. If watching other addicts had taught me anything, it was that temptation was impossible to resist. I would have to quit Blaise cold turkey.
With the boys busy at the studio, and Francis overseeing things from the office, I gave myself the day off and took a drive up to my house. As expected it was still half under construction. I had a bedroom to sleep in, but my bathroom was missing a shower…and a wall. So, in the interest of keeping things simple, I booked myself a suite at one of the hotels nearest to the studio and moved in there for the time being.
Then, after I was settled, I went to face the music. Literally and figuratively.
Armed with several bags of take out from Royce’s favorite taco place, I showed up at the studio just as everyone was huddled together in the control room listening to a track they’d just finished recording.
“Damn, my timing is awesome.” I started handing out the Styrofoam boxes. “Feeding you guys is always so much easier when you’re all in the same room at the same time. Here Brett, it’s the only vegan thing they had on the menu.”
Brett, their producer, was fifty-three and about as good a reason you’d ever find to give up meat and dairy, and all the other crap we tend to shove into our mouths, forever. He was aging better than Cher and he hadn’t required any surgery to do it. Maybe after Blaise, I’d give up meat and ice cream. A minor sacrifice until I got my period. I wonder if I could still have my double cheese burger from Jack In The Box along with my pint of Ben And Jerry’s Chubby Hubby and be considered Vegan if I was only consuming them for medical purposes. You know, in place of Midol or whatever.
“I was starting to think I wouldn’t see you today.” Blaise kept his eyes down as he spoke. Ironic, since he was quite literally not seeing me while talking about seeing me.
“I had stuff to do. Besides, you guys don’t need me here for this.” I took my food and sat on the armrest of Royce’s chair. I wasn’t about to get into discussing last night’s drama with everyone crammed into the control room.
“So, how are we doing? Making good progress with the album?” I’d been there every day since recording started. I already knew the answer. Just felt safer to fill the silence than leave it open for someone else to speak.
“I think we’re looking at another two weeks here. All depends on how fast Blaise and Derek can knock out the last of those songs. We need at least three more. Five would be even better. That’d give us more play room.” Brett took another bite of his no meat, no cheese, no sour cream burrito. “And of course, Blaise needs to pull his head out of his ass while we’re recording. Any more days like today and the album won’t be done before Christmas.”
Blaise tried to laugh it off but fell short in his enthusiasm. “Sorry, man.”
“Yeah, lets’ give the man a break. He looks exhausted,” Derek chimed in, patting his shoulder.
“Oh, so it’s Ava’s fault then.” Angel pointed at me. Funny really, that the insinuation of his playful accusations were so far off the map while the actual words were so dead on.
“Always is.” I shrugged. “Well, since I’m already to blame for enough wasted hours in the studio, I’m going to get out of here and let you guys get back to work.”
I gave a general wave around the room and walked out.
I was about halfway down the hall taking me toward the exit when I heard footsteps behind me.
“Ava.”
I didn’t stop. I didn’t turn around.
“Avalon, wait.”
It was like my body didn’t know how to ignore a direct command and my feet brought me to a screeching halt.
“What Blaise?” I hung my head back annoyed, still not facing him.
“Don’t you think we should talk about what happened?” I felt him brush up against me as he passed me by to stand in my path, simultaneously forcing me to look him in the eye and blocking my escape route.
“No. I’m done talking.” And I was going to prove it.
“You can’t be serious. So, what? That’s it? We’re over just like that?”
I nodded. “Just like that.”
“This is wrong. Tell me you don’t know this is wrong. The way I feel about you. The way you feel about me –“
“Doesn’t matter. None of it matters. None of it’s real. Not if you’re still living a lie.” I pushed through him, my shoulder slamming hard into his as I went by. It hurt. The pain was just the distraction I needed to keep me from listening to my own thoughts begging me to turn back and give Blaise just one more chance. He’d had plenty. And more importantly, this time he didn’t call after me to ask for another one.
***
I hadn’t really expected her to stay. Part of me had just needed to see her. Up close. To have her look at me while she spoke. Even if I didn’t like what she had to say. In some insane way, I told myself it was a sign she still loved me if she bothered to speak to me at all.
I fought the urge to punch the wall and slowly walked back toward the end of the hall. I wasn’t looking forward to facing the guys. It had to be obvious something was going on between Ava and me considering she had barely acknowledged me during her brief visit when days before we hadn’t been able to keep our hands off of each other whenever we were even remotely within reach.
“She still pissed at you?” Derek didn’t even wait for me to walk in all the way.
“Nah.” I waved it off.
“They broke up,” Royce said flatly. Like it was his fucking business to announce.
“Shit. You’re kidding.” Angel looked genuinely disappointed. “Not over that business with the waitress last night? I mean, we were all there. We can tell her nothing happened.”
I was about to answer when Royce beat me to it again.
“It’s not about the waitress.” He glared at me. “And it’s none of our fucking business. Bottom-line, Blaise and Ava are done and we’re going back to the way things were before.” He stood up from his chair. “Now then, can we get some fucking work done today?”
As much as I hated Royce for opening his big mouth and airing my perso
nal tragedies like they were hard facts, unyielding and irreversible, I was also grateful not to have to answer any more questions. At least he’d curbed my lies for one afternoon. And Royce’s tone had made it pretty damn clear he would call me out on any in the future if I attempted to spin the situation in my favor at any point.
Chapter 15
It had been three days since Blaise and I ended things and nothing felt resolved. As much as I told myself that talking to him would only mean backtracking, I didn’t feel like I could move forward this way either. On the other hand, this weird state of limbo was really the only thing keeping me from falling to pieces. If things weren’t settled then this wasn’t the final outcome. We still had a chance. And as much as I knew I was doing the right thing for both of us by taking a stand and breaking our unhealthy pattern, I couldn’t bear the thought of us being apart forever. Not when being together had felt so right.
Meanwhile, this was practically the only chance I had all year to unpack and actually feel like I had a home somewhere instead of being on the road non-stop and I was staying in a hotel for crying out loud. Like I didn’t get enough of that while we were on tour.
I had already called my contractor five times in that short time period, and he had assured me over and over again that the house wouldn’t be livable for at least another thirty days. Longer if I didn’t stop calling him and let him get some work done.
For the most part the guys had taken our break up in stride and were apparently too relieved about the fact that Blaise and I were behaving very adult about the whole thing, and by adult I meant we were giving each other the silent treatment, to question why things hadn’t worked out between us. Or maybe they were just asking Blaise.
My fourth night in the hotel and it was nearly three a.m. when I finally turned off the Golden Girls Marathon I’d been watching and attempted to get some sleep. My lids had barely closed, shutting out the rest of the world, when there was a knock at my door.
Alarmed, I popped straight up from the comforts of my pillow.
“Ava.”
Of fucking course. Who else would be knocking on my door an hour past last call? Then again, it was kind of a miracle he’d been able to locate me on his own this time.
I didn’t even have to drag myself out of bed, the fury of his audacity had already sent me flying across the room.
I threw the door open. “WHAT?”
He looked startled. And sober.
“I need to talk to you. Please. Will you talk to me?”
I ground my teeth, moving my jaw back and forth. “I guess.”
I stepped aside to let him enter and he did.
“For starters, I want you to know that I haven’t had a single drop of liquor since the night we fought. Nor have I taken any other substance you wouldn’t approve of. You’re still good with aspirin, right?” It wasn’t his lame attempt at a joke that made me grin, but the hesitant little smile he flashed me when he did so.
“Blaise, I told you. It wasn’t about falling off the wagon.” I moved away from the door and further into the room.
“I know. It was about the lying. It was because I used you to take the heat off of me. I’m sorry. I know it was wrong.” He followed me and had a seat on the sofa. He leaned into his knees, hanging his head, slowly shaking it back and forth. “Thing is, being out, watching everyone drink. It was harder than I thought it’d be. I was so used to being in this bubble with you, I thought it could keep me safe from the outside world somehow. Safe from myself and my flaws. I really wanted to be better for you, Ava. Still do.”
I sighed. I finally understood. “That’s the thing. You can’t do it for me. You have to do it for yourself.”
He ran his fingers over his face. “What difference does it make? You, me? Isn’t the only thing that matters that I do it?”
I sunk down into the chair across from him. “No.”
“Why not?”
“Because if you do it for me, you’re just using me again to take the heat off of yourself.”
He fell back into the cushions behind him, clearly getting agitated with the direction this conversation was taking. “How do you figure?”
“It’s obvious, isn’t it? It’s easier for you to love me enough to change. You’re trying to present it like it’s this grand gesture, like your love for me is so intense it gives you the strength to move mountains...and overcome addictions. Well, it’s bullshit, Blaise. It has nothing to do with how much you love me. It’s about how much you hate yourself.”
“I don’t fucking hate myself.” He was looking at me with disgust. Like I’d just talked about wanting to stick my tongue in a pool of his vomit or something.
“Oh, okay.” I got up and started to walk away. This was a waste of time. Time I could have spent sleeping.
“Don’t oh, okay me! That’s bullshit. You think I hate myself? Explain it. How do I hate myself? And why the fuck would I? Have you heard the amount of women screaming my name night after night?”
He did not just go there.
“You stupid prick. No one was questioning how many women love you. Fuck, I’m one of them, remember? The issue is that you don’t love you. And trying to prove that you do by showcasing all of the love you give yourself through outside sources only reiterates my point.” I saw him open his mouth to counter me and I just went on, unable to take another serving of his ridiculous argument. “All this time, I thought your lies were meant to keep the truth hidden from the outside world. I honestly believed, that you, YOU, still knew the difference between what was real and what was just another element of your imaginary reputation. You’re so fucking lost Blaise and you don’t even know it because you covered up your tracks so well you can’t even see where they lead back to anymore.”
He jumped to his feet, fuming. “I’m fucking lost? Have you looked in the mirror lately, Ava? You’ve been so busy running around after me for the last decade you’ve never once looked at where you were going. You like talking about tracks so much, how about making a set of your own? Or do you plan on tagging along for the ride the rest of your life? I mean, I have to ask, since you clearly hate the driver!”
I wanted to slap him. Hard. Instead I just locked my jaw, seething. “Get out.”
“No.” He took a defiant stance in front of me.
“Fine.” I turned around, grabbed a hoody from the chair in the kitchen, pulled my purse from the hook on the door and slid my feet into the flip flops closest to the exit. “You think it’s time I make my own set of tracks. I’m on it.” I pulled the door open to leave. “And don’t you dare consider stepping out on them when I do. Because I will run you the fuck down.”
And I was gone.
***
My first instinct was to raid the minibar in Ava’s room. As soon as I opened it, her words were ringing in my ears again and I slammed it back shut.
“Fuck.” Screaming wouldn’t help. Hadn’t helped the other night. Definitely wouldn’t help now. If anything it would lead to me standing face to face with hotel security in a room that wasn’t mine and likely ending with me getting escorted from the premises. With my luck the damn paparazzi would be parked right out front just waiting for such a photo op.
So, screaming and smashing everything in sight was definitely out of the question.
Which left me just standing there. Frozen in place. Helpless to move. I’d never been here alone. Ava had always been just a phone call away. I felt pathetic standing there, knowing I had only two options. Either do what I knew to do which meant getting shitfaced and hooking up with the first woman who crossed my path, or admitting I needed help.
I pulled my phone from my pocket.
“Royce?”
“What’d you do now?”
“I fucked up. Ava’s gone.” I let out a long ragged breath. “And I don’t think she’s coming back.”
“You just couldn’t leave shit alone.” I could hear Royce moving around on his end. Probably getting out of bed.
“Thing is,” I paused, trying to force the words out, “I need help.”
“Just tell me where you are and stay put. I don’t have that internal Nolan GPS Ava has so I won’t be able to track you down if you go missing.”
“I’m in her room. And Royce?”
“Yeah?”
“Thank you.”
“No need. That’s what family does, man.”
The line went dead and the waiting game began.
When Royce showed up fifteen minutes later I was still standing in the exact same place.
“Come on. I know a place where we can lay low.”
I just nodded and followed him out of the room. I couldn’t help but notice how easy it was to move now that someone else was there to tell me what to do again. Was I really incapable of getting through my own life without someone else there to hold my hand? I guess I’d never had to find out before now.
The place Royce knew was a hole in the wall diner about two blocks down from our street. I’d passed it probably a million times and never had a clue it even existed.
He slid into a booth in the back of the restaurant and I took my seat across from him.
“You brought a friend tonight.” Our server was a strange little dude with a quirky expression and curly black hair.
“What’s up, Mo?” Royce reached up and gave him a high five like it was their thing. “This is my buddy, Blaise.”
I nodded. “Hey man. Nice place you got here.”
Mo laughed. “It’s a shithole. But the coffee is good and no one makes better biscuits and gravy than Berta.” He turned to Royce. “The usual then?”
Royce lifted his hand to gesture. “Times two.”
As soon as Mo was out of ear shot I leaned over toward Royce. “What the fuck is up with you and biscuits and gravy?”
Lost Avalon: A Finding Nolan Novel Page 11