Parsnip said that he wanted to go to the seaside with them and eat different dead things – the kind of dead things that you only get at the seaside, like slimy fish and bits of decaying lobster. Mordonna said she would bring him some back, but he still wasn’t happy.
‘Look, it’s a very important job staying here,’ Mordonna said. ‘And when we come back I’ll bring you a big surprise.’
‘What is it?’
‘You’ll have to wait and see. It’s a surprise.’
‘You just speaking that,’ Parsnip said. He flew back up to the roof to attack some pigeons and make himself feel better.
He could see that Mordonna had that ‘if-I-have-any-more-trouble-from-you-I’ll-turn-you-into-something-small-and-slimy’ look in her eye.
Least Snip-Snip not have to helping washing out hang for two weekly, he thought. Beak pretending be clothes peg is making jaw sore, so good rest have.
Parsnip thought they were only leaving him behind because he was just a crow and they didn’t really like him, but he was wrong. In the back of Mordonna’s mind there was always the fear that one of the King’s spies would finally track them down. If this happened while they were away, then Parsnip would be able to fly down and warn them.
She knew her fears were probably unfounded. After all, they had imprisoned the King’s most dangerous spy, the Hearse Whisperer, in a sealed magic bottle buried at the bottom of the deepest part of the ocean, the Mariana Trench.13
But, she thought, you can never be too careful.
How right she was.14
The place that Mordonna had chosen for their holiday was perfect: a peaceful little town by the sea called Port Folio. There was a harbour with picturesque fishing boats and lovely old buildings all along the waterfront, and further along there were miles of golden sand and bright blue sea. It was the sort of place that had probably looked exactly the same for the past hundred years. A lot of the people there certainly looked as if they had been there for a hundred years. It was also the sort of place where the Floods would probably cause very little comment because most of the population walked around looking at their feet, so they wouldn’t notice them. And if people did notice that the visitors were rather strange, they would be far too polite to say anything.
Their journey to Port Folio had been exciting for the Flood children as they had never been in a car before, let alone a minibus. They had travelled around on broomsticks and in Winchflat’s Zoomy Thing,15 both of which most people would think was far more exciting, and of course five of them went halfway round the world each day on a magic dragon bus to and from school. However, like most things that seem ordinary, the very first time you do them they’re quite exciting.
Unlike the usual long, slow, boring drive to a holiday destination, this drive was a bit different. For one thing, they never had to stop for fuel. Whenever a hoon went racing by in a dangerous way, Mordonna clicked her fingers and the hoon’s petrol simply vaporised from their tank and reappeared in the minibus tank. And, of course, as soon as they approached any traffic lights, the lights instantly changed to green.
‘You know, that’s quite amazing,’ said Mr Hulbert, ‘because lights usually turn red when I drive up to them.’
The hotel that Mordonna had booked was the best in town, five stars and staggeringly expensive. She figured, quite correctly, that if they went to a lesser quality hotel, they might be turned away. Obviously only seriously rich people stayed at the Hotel Splendide, and seriously rich people could be as weird and eccentric as they liked because they were seriously rich, and this meant the hotel staff were used to all sorts of strange visitors.
‘After all,’ said the manager to the concierge after the Floods had booked in, ‘wiz ze sort of money zey are paying, zey can have three heads and be married to an ’ippopotamus if zey want to.’
‘Or,’ he added as Winchflat walked past with Queen Scratchrot on his back, ‘zey can even live in a backpack. Alzough, of course, it must be a nice designer backpack like zat one, not somezing cheap and plastic from a street market.’
Mordonna had booked the whole of the top floor of the hotel for the two families. This meant that they would not be disturbed by other guests and everyone could have their own bedroom and sitting room and ensuite bathroom.
The reception of the Hotel Splendide was indeed splendid. Huge crystal chandeliers hung down from an ornate ceiling that was decorated with gold leaf. Big soft velvet sofas and armchairs sank into a thick red carpet and rich, chinless old aristocrats sank into the armchairs, dreaming of the days long gone when they had had chins and working brains. Smooth waiters glided silently between the sofas bearing trays of china tea in china cups. As the doorman opened the shining brass doors and bowed his head, the Hulberts and the Floods felt as if they’d been transported a hundred years into the past. Even the three flies that had sneaked in with them buzzed very, very quietly.
‘I think this is all a bit posh for us,’ said Mr Hulbert in hushed tones. ‘I mean, we’re just simple people and this is terribly grand.’
‘And I imagine it’s, er, quite expensive,’ said Mrs Hulbert.
The children, even baby Claude, stood in complete silence with their mouths hanging open. For Satanella this was a good move as two of the three flies flew down her throat. Normally Merlinmary would have said it wasn’t fair that her sister had got two flies to eat while she hadn’t, but even she was overawed by the place and kept quiet.
‘Absolutely,’ said Mordonna. ‘In fact it’s very, very, very expensive – but don’t worry, it’s our treat.’
‘But, but, but … we can’t possibly let you pay for us,’ said Mr Hulbert, who imagined his entire life savings being swallowed up just buying a sandwich.
‘You’re forgetting one thing, my dear Mr Hulbert,’ said Mordonna. ‘We are wizards, so we can get money out of thin air.’
And to prove it, she clicked her fingers and a gentle rain of one-hundred-dollar notes floated down from the ceiling until the entire floor was covered in them.
‘Of course, if we had been in a cheaper hotel it would only have rained ten-dollar notes, and if we had been in a really cheap bed and breakfast we would have been showered with coins, which can be very painful,’ said Mordonna.
‘So we insist on paying for everything,’ she continued, swishing through the hundred-dollar notes to hand Mr and Mrs Hulbert each a glass of Krug Clos du Mesnil 1995 Champagne.16 ‘And that means everything. I want you to have the full beauty and spa treatment and every other luxury the hotel has to offer.’
‘Well, I don’t know about that,’ said Mrs Hulbert, panicking at the thought of complete strangers seeing bits of her that even she hardly ever looked at. But after Mordonna said she insisted on it and that as they were on holiday it was all right to try new experiences, Mrs Hulbert began to feel quite excited by the prospect.
Mr Hulbert felt quite excited too, though he wasn’t sure why, because excited wasn’t something he had had much experience of.
‘This is nice,’ Mrs Hulbert said to her husband as champagne bubbles fizzed up her nose. ‘It’s a bit like your grandmother’s dandelion cordial.’
‘I wouldn’t go that far, dear,’ said Mr Hulbert, ‘but it is rather good. What’s this funny white stuff, Nerlin? It’s a bit salty – reminds me of salt and vinegar chips.’
‘It’s Almas Caviar,’17 said Nerlin. ‘Not bad, is it?’
When they had all unpacked and freshened up, the two families went downstairs for lunch. As Mordonna had predicted, no one batted an eyelid.
‘Though I wouldn’t mind if they battered an eyelid,’ said Morbid. ‘They’re delicious.’
‘I’m afraid we’ll have to make do with human food,’ said Mordonna. ‘At least while we’re in public. Of course, back up in our rooms it’s a different matter.’
‘Umm, yes, I’ve already had a bit of a problem with that,’ said Merlinmary. ‘My room’s got a thing called a spa bath with all these jets of water and bubbles, and when I pu
t my late night snacks in it to keep them fresh, it sucked all their legs off. Green Patagonian Newts without their legs are disgusting.’
‘I’ll see if I can make a Newt-Legs-Out-Of-Spa-Jets-Retrieval-Device,’ said Winchflat. ‘I brought my tools with me just in case. Then we could stick them back on with my Underwater-Newtral-Adhesive.’
‘And just to be on the safe side, I’ve told the manager that we’d rather not have the maid go and tidy our rooms up every day,’ said Mordonna. ‘Humans can get very funny about amphibians and spiders.’
‘Good idea, Mother,’ said Valla. ‘I hate to think what the maid would do if she saw the Giant Leeches floating in my bath – not to mention the three sheep I’ve got in the wardrobe to feed them with.’
The Hulberts, who had been looking forward to lunch, had gone rather white while the Floods discussed their snacks, and decided to have salad instead of cutlets. Baby Hulbert, Claude, who had just begun to walk in that strange way that toddlers do,18 was sitting under the dining table sharing a bone with Satanella. They both knew that anything green, unless it was meat with bacteria living on it, should be left growing in the ground and never put in your mouth or even on your dinner plate.
The waiter took it all in his stride when he asked the Floods how they would like their steaks and they said ‘alive’.
‘Just tell the chef to walk past the oven with them on a plate,’ said Nerlin. ‘In fact, it would be better if he ran past the oven … or perhaps you could just bring the cow in here and we’ll help ourselves.’
‘And I’ll have mine without the meat,’ said Valla.
‘I’m terrible sorry, sir,’ said the waiter. ‘I didn’t realise sir was a vegetarian.’
If he hadn’t already been whiter than a bleached skeleton, Valla would have paled at hearing the V word.
‘Oh my goodness, no, no,’ he said. ‘I meant just bring me a cup of cow’s blood.’
Mrs Hulbert turned as pale as Valla and was very relieved when Mordonna suggested that from now on the two families should probably eat at separate tables.
‘Because we might need to sneak a few things in to spice up the food,’ said Mordonna. ‘I mean, humans might think chocolate pudding and ice-cream is wonderful, but us wizards need to add a few delicacies and flavour enhancers to make it edible.’
‘I don’t want to ask you what sort of delicacies,’ said Mrs Hulbert, ‘but I can’t help myself.’
‘Funny, isn’t it?’ said Mordonna. ‘One thing that wizards and humans have in common is an irresistible fascination with things that make you feel sick.’
‘So what sort of things do you put in the ice-cream?’ Ffiona asked.
‘Well, my favourite is woodlice,’ said Betty. ‘You should try it, Ffiona. You’ve no idea how much better caramel sauce tastes when there are things wriggling in it.’
‘Not to mention the excitement of trying to spear them before they run away,’ Morbid added.
‘Mind you,’ said Satanella from under the table, ‘I quite like potatoes with my pudding, but I suppose that’s because I come from Potato Patches.’19
‘Not sure about the “pota” bit,’ said Merlinmary, ‘but I like toes.’
Mr Hulbert tried to shut out the conversation by humming to himself, but when one of Betty’s wriggly things escaped from her plate and crawled up his sleeve, no amount of humming could help. He dropped his spoon in his jelly and custard and ran out of the dining room.
‘He’s probably got one of those tummy bugs I was reading about,’ said Mordonna. ‘The travel magazine said people often get them on holiday.’
‘Tummy bugs?’ said Betty. ‘They sound tasty. I wonder where you buy them.’
After lunch everyone went down to the beach.
Like the town, it hadn’t changed in a hundred years. There were rows of old-fashioned deckchairs full of people with bright pink sunburnt bodies all fast asleep with handkerchiefs over their faces.
‘If they’re all asleep,’ said Betty, ‘and if they’ve got their faces covered up, why don’t they just stay at home in their back gardens?’
‘I expect it’s the change-is-as-good-as-a-rest thing,’ said Nerlin. ‘What I want to know is why all those people are in that angry water. Do you think we should go and help them?’
‘No, Daddy,’ said Betty. ‘It’s called the sea and it’s not angry. That’s called surf and what the people are doing is swimming.’
‘Really? Why on earth would they do that? And what about those people with the doors?’
‘Umm, what doors?’ Betty looked out at the surf, confused.
‘Look, those people in the water with the doors,’ said Nerlin, pointing at one of them. ‘They drag them out into the deep water and then try to stand on them. I mean, how stupid are they? If they want to stand on the doors they should just lie them down on the sand. Then they wouldn’t keep falling off all the time.’
‘I think it’s called surfing,’ said Betty. ‘I had a look on Google before we left home.’
‘Surfing?’ said Winchflat. ‘Well, I do that on the internet all the time. It’s much better that way. I mean, you never fall off and you don’t get wet.’
‘Well, what’s the point of it?’ said Mordonna.
‘I haven’t the faintest idea,’ said Betty.
‘Didn’t it say?’
‘No. It’s just another one of those mysteries of life that shows us how weird humans are,’ said Betty, covering herself with one of the Witch Shrouds that Mordonna had brought with them to stop them getting horribly healthy-looking in the sunshine.20
‘We’re not weird,’ said Ffiona.
‘No, you’re not, but most humans are,’ said Betty.
‘I’m afraid to say, you’re absolutely right,’ said Mr Hulbert. ‘Sometimes I feel quite depressed about being human.’
‘If you ever want to change, you only have to say so,’ said Mordonna. ‘We could help you.’
She lay back in her deckchair, letting the sun melt her White Lead Blockout into every pore of her skin.21
‘Could you make us into wizards?’ said Ffiona. ‘That would be so cool.’
‘I’m afraid not,’ Mordonna explained. ‘Wizards and witches are unchangeable. We’re the top species, which means no lesser species can become the same as us. Of course, in twenty-five billion and three years, when evolution has finished changing things, then the descendants of humans will probably have evolved into wizards.’
‘Wow,’ said Ffiona. ‘You mean everything’s evolving all the time?’
‘Yes,’ said Mordonna. ‘In twenty-five billion and three years, the descendants of those jellyfish lying on the sand there will have become bank managers.’
‘So if we did want to change,’ said Ffiona cautiously, ‘what could you change us into?’
‘How about magpies?’ said Mordonna. ‘They’re pretty clever, you know.’
‘Or cockroaches,’ Winchflat added. ‘They’re really clever.’
‘I think we’ll probably just stay human,’ said Mrs Hulbert, looking faint.
‘Yes, that’s probably best,’ said Mr Hulbert.
Winchflat had put Queen Scratchrot in her backpack down on the beach next to his chair and the Queen was enjoying herself playing with the sand. She scooped it up in her one remaining hand and let it run between her fingers, counting the grains as they drifted away.
‘Six hundred and forty-three thousand, seven hundred and fourteen,’ she said. ‘When I was younger and had all my skin, I could hold over fifty million grains in the palm of my hand.’
‘I thought you said you’d never been to the seaside before, Granny,’ said Betty.
‘I haven’t, dear. It was back in the Transylvania Waters salt mines,’ said the Queen. ‘We used to go down and play there. It was a tradition for all royal children to be taken down there to throw stones at our enemies, who were kept in chains to dig out the salt. They were happy days. Well, not so much for our enemies, but we had a lovely time.’22
> ‘What’s that squeaking noise?’ said Nerlin.
‘Sorry, dear, it’s me,’ said the Queen. ‘Got sand in my shoulder sockets.’
A gang of fifteen seagulls had landed on the beach and were now approaching the Queen. They were exceptionally big seagulls, and when they saw the Queen’s bones poking out of the backpack they began to get very excited. They came rushing over and, before Winchflat could chase them away, one of them grabbed the Queen’s left thigh bone and flew off.
‘Oww, oww, oww, help,’ cried the Queen as Nerlin chased the other seagulls away.
Mordonna threw a spell at the gulls and they all came crashing down on the sand.
‘Listen, birds,’ she said to them. ‘One of you go after your mate and bring that bone back this very minute. That is the bone of a queen and when we put her back together again, we do not want to find any bits missing.’
The seagulls, who understood every word Mordonna said, all squawked in a loud, rebellious way, so Mordonna turned thirteen of them into Belgian taxi drivers.
‘Right,’ she said to the one remaining seagull. ‘Off you go and get the bone. And don’t think once you’re out of sight I can’t get you, because I can and if you are not back here in ten minutes, I will turn you into a Belgian geography teacher who likes ballroom dancing and beige cardigans with horrible leather buttons.’
‘Hello, good morning, and where would you like to go to today?’23 said the thirteen Belgian taxi drivers to every single person they met as they walked up and down the beach.
Unfortunately there was not a single person on the beach who could understand them because they were all speaking in Flemish.24
‘Go away,’ was the reaction of most people, though two of them said, ‘Can I have a vanilla ice-cream with chocolate sprinkles, please?’
The ex-seagulls could only understand Flemish so their usual reply was, ‘Do you need a hand with your luggage?’
After a while the taxi drivers all gathered in a group and began wandering about saying, ‘I seem to have mislaid my taxi,’ in very distressed tones.
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