“Do you want me to do it?” Lexie’s voice came from behind him.
“Do what?” He sounded dazed.
“Burp her.”
Slowly he shook his head. “She smiled at me,” he whispered, unable to keep the wonder out of his voice. He looked up and stared at Lexie. “She looked at me and she smiled.”
Lexie’s face softened and she smiled mistily at him, including him in her joy and love for her child. “Why shouldn’t she? You’re her daddy.”
A fist reached out and squeezed his heart, crushing it to bits. “I’m her father, Lexie. There’s a big difference.” Unable to look at Lexie and the pain he knew he would see in her gaze, he blindly lifted the baby to his shoulder and patted her on her back. He felt awkward and uncomfortable as he waited for the burp Lexie had assured him would come.
Finally he heard it—a deep rumbling he couldn’t believe had come from such a small body. Immediately afterward he felt something warm and wet on his shoulder, and he craned his neck to see what it was.
“I’m sorry, Caine.” Lexie’s voice was stiff behind him. “She spat up on your shoulder. I should have warned you that happens sometimes.”
“Don’t worry about it,” he muttered. Awkwardly he lowered the baby until she rested in the crook of his arm. He warned himself not to do it, told himself he was just asking for more pain, but he couldn’t resist looking at her. When she caught his eye she smiled again, this time waving her tiny arms and legs with glee. For a moment he allowed himself to watch her, then he tore his gaze away and looked blindly toward the river ahead of them.
It took another ten minutes to reach it. By the time they got there, the baby had fallen asleep in his arms, and he looked down at her with relief. He wouldn’t have to worry about any heart-stealing smiles for a little while, anyway.
When he found a small clearing that was completely covered by the canopy of huge trees above them, he stopped and turned to Lexie. “This looks like as good a place as any. Why don’t you take her and stay here while I look around? I’ll be back in a few minutes.”
As Lexie held out her arms for the sleeping baby, Caine stole a look at her face. He expected her to look angry, or at least hurt. Instead, when their eyes met he saw a sad understanding in them that scared him far more than Lexie’s fury would have. He didn’t want her understanding him. He wanted her to keep her distance.
“Where are you going?” she asked in a soft voice.
“I want to see if there’s anywhere with better cover for us to spend the night. I also want to make sure no one else has been around here lately.”
“All right.” Without another word she slid to the ground. Balancing the baby on her knees, she untied the shawl from around her neck and spread it on the ground. Then, after laying the baby on the shawl, Lexie leaned back against the tree and closed her eyes.
Caine watched her for a moment longer, then slipped away through the trees. He had work to do. He couldn’t stand around mooning over what couldn’t be.
By the time Caine returned, Lexie’s arms had almost stopped trembling, and she was beginning to feel hungry. When he stepped silently into the clearing, carrying what looked like another agouti, she smiled wearily at him.
“How did you know I was getting hungry?”
“A lucky guess.” He laid the agouti on the ground and began to gather material for a fire.
Glancing at the sky nervously, she asked, “I thought we couldn’t have any more fires.” She looked at the agouti longingly.
“We can’t have any fires at night. They’ll be as obvious as a neon light to anyone looking for us. As long as it’s daylight, though, we can take a chance.” He looked over at her and continued frankly, “I’d prefer not to light one, but we don’t have any choice. You have to eat in order to keep going. As long as we do it quickly, before the sun starts to go down, I think we’ll be all right.”
She watched unhappily as he started the fire and prepared their food. He was right. There was no way she could continue without eating, and there was no way she was going to eat raw meat.
The fire blazed hotter than the one they’d had earlier, and the agouti cooked much more quickly. As soon as it was finished and the water for their dehydrated meals had boiled, Caine doused the fire and covered it with dirt to stop it from smoking.
They ate in silence. She wondered what he was thinking, but from the way he avoided looking in Ana’s direction, she was afraid she knew. For some reason he’d convinced himself that he wanted no part of his daughter. She had no idea why, but from the wonder on his face when Ana had smiled at him, she suspected that it was becoming harder and harder for him to keep his distance.
Since she’d seen that wonder this afternoon, all her anger at him for rejecting Ana had disappeared. Now she felt only sorrow and regret, both for his loss and for his stubbornness in insisting on maintaining his distance.
“Why don’t you bring the kid and come down to the river with me while I clean the dishes?” His voice interrupted her thoughts, and she looked up at him, startled, as he continued, “You can wash her diapers afterward.”
“All right,” she said immediately, reaching for the shawl so she could carry both Ana and the load of dirty diapers down to the river.
She heard the river before she saw it, and her pulse quickened at the soft gurgling sound. It really was a river, and not just a trickle of muddy water. When she stepped through the last of the bushes screening it from. view, she stopped and caught her breath.
The water was the color of weak tea, but it was clear enough to see almost to the bottom. As she stared at it, she could almost feel its cool smoothness flowing over her hot, sticky skin.
She turned impulsively to Caine. “After we finish cleaning up, can I take a bath?”
He had already begun to wash the dishes, and he looked up at her and shrugged. “Sure. This water’s too shallow for crocodiles.”
“Will you watch Ana for me?”
He stilled for a moment, then shrugged again. “I guess so.”
She moved downstream a few feet, then squatted on the edge of the river and carefully removed Ana from the shawl. Laying the baby on the ground, she began washing the pile of soiled diapers. As she finished them, one by one, she wrung them out and hung them over the branches of a bush to dry.
By the time she was done she felt hotter and stickier than ever. She looked over at Caine and noticed the stain on the back of his shirt where Ana had spat up on him. Without stopping to think, she called out to him, “Why don’t you give me your shirt and I’ll wash it for you? That way it’ll be clean in the morning.”
“Thanks, but don’t bother. It’s fine.”
“I’m afraid it might begin to stink before the morning. Ana spat up on it, remember?”
His shoulders tensed, then he turned to her. “I’d forgotten about that.” Slowly he began to unbutton his shirt. “Thanks for reminding me.”
“You’re welcome.” She sat, mesmerized, as he pulled the shirt off and tossed it over to her. She had told herself she’d forgotten how he looked, but realized as she watched him that every detail was branded on her soul.
From broad shoulders his torso tapered to a narrow waist and hips. Even though he was whipcord lean, she could see his muscles flex and ripple every time he moved. The thatch of dark blond hair on his chest arrowed down his flat belly to disappear under the waistband of his cotton pants.
When she forced her gaze back up to his face, she realized he’d been watching her. Her cheeks burning, she turned jerkily back toward the river and blindly dipped the shirt into the water. What was the matter with her, anyway? Her heart was pounding like a drum and her hands were trembling so hard she had trouble holding on to the shirt. Why was she blushing like a schoolgirl, for heaven’s sake? She’d seen half-naked men before. And she’d seen Caine a lot more than half naked.
She didn’t dare look over at him, but she could feel his gaze on her, watching as she washed his shirt. When she found
herself smoothing her hand down the back of it, she twisted it sharply to wring it out and flapped it open with a crack, then dropped it onto the bush to dry.
Wiping her still-shaking hands on her shorts, she stood and faced him. “I’d like to take a bath now,” she managed to say.
“Fine. I’ll keep an eye on the kid.”
She waited for him to pick up Ana and leave, but he merely strolled over and sat down close to her, leaning against one of the rocks that lined the stream.
“What are you doing?” she demanded, although she had a feeling she already knew.
“Watching the kid. What does it look like I’m doing?”
“I can’t take a bath with you sitting right there,” she said, appalled.
“That’s up to you. Take it or leave it, Lexie. I’m not leaving you down here alone. There may not be crocodiles in that river, but there are plenty of other things to worry about.”
She stared at him for a moment, trying to decide if he was bluffing. She realized almost immediately that he wasn’t. Caine didn’t have any need to bluff. He simply gave you the options.
The river beckoned, cool and inviting, and she turned away from him abruptly. “I’ll trust you to be a gentleman and not watch me.”
“I’ve seen it all before, Lexie.” His voice was low and shockingly intimate. “You know that as well as I do.”
Crouching behind a bush and feeling like a complete idiot for trying to conceal herself, she unfastened her shorts and unbuttoned her blouse with hands that shook. The water was dark enough that once she was in the river, it wouldn’t matter if he watched her or not. All he would see was the top of her head.
Slipping off her bra and panties, she crouched naked on the riverbank, welcoming the air on her skin, as she quickly rinsed out her underwear. Hanging the flimsy garments on the bush to dry, she stepped into the water and was relieved to feel a rocky bottom under her feet. Pushing away from the edge, she let the water flow over her hot body.
Nothing had felt this good in a long, long time. The water was like cool silk wrapping around her. When she dipped her head in and let the smooth current wash the sweat and grime out of her hair, it seemed as if gentle fingers massaged her scalp. She floated in the river, feeling the dappled sunlight caress her, and relaxed for the first time since Caine had walked through her door in Santa Ysabel.
At the thought of Caine she raised her head and looked over toward where he sat with Ana. She wasn’t surprised to find him watching her intently.
“I thought you promised not to watch me.”
He shook his head. “You said you’d trust I was a gentleman and not look. I’ve never been a gentleman, Lexie, and I never will be. You should know that by now.”
She paddled over to the river’s edge and hauled herself onto the bank, squeezing the water out of her hair. As she was looking around and realizing she didn’t have anything to dry herself with, she heard Caine approaching.
“You can use this to dry yourself off.” He handed her one of his clean shirts, and she snatched it out of his hand and held it in front of her.
His eyes gleamed with amusement and something darker and hotter. “You’re a lot more modest than you used to be,” he said in a husky voice. “You used to enjoy flaunting your body in front of me. Remember all those short, low-cut dresses you used to wear?” He nodded at the shirt that barely skimmed her thighs. “My shirt covers up more than they did.”
“This isn’t Washington, and things have changed.” She hated the breathless tone of her voice. Watching the way Caine’s eyes narrowed, she knew he’d noticed it.
“Some things never change, Lexie.” Without taking a step toward her, he reached out and brushed her wet hair away from her face, tucking it behind her ear. It was a surprisingly sweet gesture, and she blinked as he turned away from her.
“You looked like you were having a good time in the river. I think I’ll take a swim, too.” He turned back to her as he unbuttoned his pants and slowly pulled down the zipper. “And you can watch all you want.”
Chapter 10
“No, thank you,” she said tartly, holding on to the shirt more tightly. “I’ve seen all I care to see.”
He shrugged. “Suit yourself.” He began to lower his light cotton pants and she hastily turned away from him.
“Your back is still wet, Lexie,” he said from behind her, and she could hear the mocking grin in his voice. “Want me to dry it for you?”
Scrambling to pull the shirt around her, she noticed that her hands were trembling again. Would Caine always have this effect on her? she wondered with a stab of pain. For eleven months she’d tried to convince herself that she’d gotten over him, but in a couple of days he’d managed to knock down all her defenses. He didn’t even have to touch her before she started shaking. Just the sound of his voice was enough.
Tugging the edges of the shirt together with a jerk, she searched blindly for the buttons through the haze of tears in her eyes. Caring about Caine was the surest way she knew to heartbreak, but she couldn’t seem to stop herself. Inside his tough, hard shell was a man who desperately needed to be loved.
The question was whether or not he wanted to be loved. Her hands dropped to her sides and she turned toward the river. He lay floating on the water, completely unconcerned about whether or not she was watching. He made no secret of the fact that he wanted her, but that wasn’t the same thing at all. She’d found that out the hard way.
He flipped over in the water and the shadow of his narrow hips and taut buttocks flashed in the mottled sunlight. Heat gathered, heavy and throbbing, in her abdomen. She watched him for a moment, unable to tear her gaze away, then she forced herself to lower her eyes. She’d spent the last eleven months struggling to gain control over her life and her emotions, and she wasn’t about to relinquish that control now, especially to Caine O’Roarke.
She wasn’t a teenager anymore, to be controlled by lust and impulse, and she had living, breathing proof of what happened when you allowed your hormones to rule your brain. She looked over at Ana, sleeping peacefully under the bush, and a spring of fierce maternal love and protectiveness welled up inside her. Watching the face of her child, she vowed that she would never lose control of herself like that again. She couldn’t afford to.
She picked up the sleeping baby and headed toward the clearing when she heard Caine getting out of the water. Keeping her back turned, she bent and kissed Ana’s head as she hurried away from him.
Caine said from behind her, “What’s the matter, Lexie? Afraid to look?” The teasing tone made her begin to ache all over again, and she struggled to keep herself from giving in to it.
She stopped but didn’t turn around. “Is it so inconceivable to you that I’m not interested in looking?”
“Yes, it’s inconceivable, Lexie.” His voice was very soft behind her, and incredibly seductive. “You’re just as interested as I am. You try harder to hide it, that’s all.”
She spun around, not caring that he stood in front of her, stark naked. “You don’t want me, Caine, not really. You want my body and that’s all. And I’m not interested in sex for sex’s sake.”
“Are you sure that’s all I want, Lexie?” His voice was low and intense. “Do you know me that well?”
“Well enough,” she retorted. “I know you’re not interested in the baggage that comes along with me, and that’s all I care about.”
Slowly, almost as if against his will, his gaze lowered to rest on the sleeping baby in her arms. He stared at her for a long time, until he finally looked up at Lexie once more, his eyes blank. “Don’t bring the kid into this,” he said, and his voice was flat and expressionless. “This is between you and me.”
She closed her eyes, the pain almost too much to bear. “No, it’s not, Caine. That’s the whole point. Ana isn’t an inconvenience that will magically disappear when you want her to. She’s here, and she’ll be a part of my life forever. A major part of my life.”
He tu
rned away and pulled his cotton pants over his still-damp legs, his movements jerky. “I’m not what she needs, Lexie. I’m not cut out to be a father. She’s better off if she never even gets to know me.”
She stared at him, shocked. “How can you say such a thing? How could you even begin to imagine that she’d be better off without you in her life? Even if—” She stopped and swallowed painfully, then began again, “Even if her parents aren’t together, she’ll want to know her father.”
“We don’t always get what we want in life, Lexie. Don’t you know that by now?” Without looking at her he grabbed his shoes and socks and sat down to put them on. “Take my word for it, she’ll be better off without me.”
“I won’t take your word for it,” she cried passionately. “I accepted long ago that you couldn’t make a commitment to me, but this is an innocent child we’re talking about. All a child wants is a father who will love her. Even you could give her that, Caine. Dammit, I know you can.”
“You don’t know anything about it, Lexie.” He finished tying his shoes, then stood, staring down at her, his face harsh and closed.
She opened her mouth to challenge him again, but the pain she glimpsed lurking far below the cold surface of his eyes held her silent. Finally she quietly said, “If you ever want to tell me about it, I’d be happy to listen to you.” Then she turned and walked back to the clearing, holding Ana tightly against her chest.
He didn’t follow her for a long time. When he did come silently into the clearing, he put the dishes back into his pack and pulled out a small green nylon package. He was careful not to look at either her or Ana.
As he began to unravel the package, she realized it was a tent. “We’re not going to look for a hollow tree tonight?” she asked, keeping her voice neutral and polite.
He shook his head. “I already did. There isn’t one close enough to the river, and I don’t want to backtrack just for the sake of better cover. The tent is small, but you won’t have to worry.” He turned away and jerked open the fluttering nylon. “I’ll be a gentleman.”
To Save His Child Page 15