Sent: 8/1/16 22:02
To: [email protected]
Dear Civilian Girl,
I got your care package. Woman, I’m dying over here. The Kama Sutra was the final nail in the coffin. The positions you tagged were good choices…very ambitious. Nice to see we are on the same page, so to speak.
Thank you for the Nutella too. This jar lasted two days, but only because I knew you would want to know how long it took me to demolish it, and I’m trying to show you I have some restraint. Going from 1 day to 2 is 100% improvement, so there is that. Yes, I’m still a glutton. Must you dwell on that, woman? I have many positive attributes, like that I'm strong enough to do the position you picked out on page 57.
I have attached a few house brochures for you to look at. I really like the farmhouse in Virginia, but it's kind of far from DC. It would be doable, but a grind. I need your input here, Vivian. I’m not the one who would be driving it every day. This is moving insanely fast. Is that freaking you out? Is that why you haven't mentioned the idea of me buying a house? Yep, this is fast, but that is what you get when you’re with a soldier. There is no time to deliberate the decisions you get to make, you just need to make them and be thankful some faceless person who outranks you hasn’t made them for you.
Chances are, I won’t be based in DC. I can almost guarantee it, but I will retire someday, and that is where your job is. If you’re happy there, that is where I want us to be. I don’t care if it is DC, or Detroit, or anywhere in between. I need your input, so pick a house, any house. Just make sure you pick me to be the man you share that house with.
Love,
Soldier Boy
P.S. Yep, I’m still celibate, though, I have abused myself to no end since I got your picture. And you remembered to waterproof it…luckiest man ever…
Chapter Twenty-Nine
Care Package 5
August 15th
Dear Soldier Boy,
I hope you’re okay. C-SPAN has been dreadful. I know you probably don’t want to hear about how a television program has been upsetting, given that you are there experiencing it firsthand. *Shudders at the thought* I wish there was a way to bring you back sooner. Things have gotten so bad. I think I’ve got an ulcer. If it weren’t for Duke and his endurance, I’m not sure how much more I could take. We’ve upped our mile count to…wait for it...six point two! That’s right, Matthew, I’m finally up to a 10k race. I’ve scheduled to run in the Labor Day 10k next month. I’m really looking forward to it. Not as much as I’m looking forward to seeing you, but I’m sure you already figured that.
I’ve got my playlist ready. The first song is Run by Awolnation. Great choice right? Do you listen to music when you run? I find it really helps me to get in the zone. And since I’ve been running with Duke, I don’t worry as much about people sneaking up behind me and things like that.
I got you some baby-wipes. I went for the bulk package, since you are a large man. I figured more vs. less would be better in this situation.
I also read that beef jerky is a big deal over there, so enjoy it!
I’m enclosing another piece of the puzzle. Here’s a clue: it’s a location.
And finally please keep the lady safe. I won’t say her title because that would give too much away unless you have already guessed it.
In reference to your house brochures, you want me to pick a house sight unseen? What is that, like picking a mate? No…houses are different I need to go in and walk around, touch everything, and really figure out if it’s the one. A photo cannot give me the same experience as actually being in a place. I can’t go all-in on a house without seeing it up close and in person.
Places are not people, Matthew. I can fall for you sight unseen, but not a house. ;)
Besides, I’d rather go house house hunting together. Can’t we schedule that for January or something? Considering from November 27th until January 2nd we will be homebound? ;)
Speaking of January, Millie and her fiancé have picked a wedding date. Will you be my date for the wedding? It’s in January. I think we will be okay to leave the house at that point, right? I might even wear that red dress you seem to have a thing for. ;)
Julian will probably be disappointed not to be my plus one, but I’m sure, after the two of you meet, he’ll get over it.
Matthew, it’s getting so close. I’ve taken up yoga. I needed a way to Zen out my mind and try and counteract my C-SPAN addiction. I don’t think I’ve reached any meditative point, yet. I’m still a ball of nerves, and I’m sorry for even telling you about that. You probably don’t need to read about my emotions when you're in…well, you know.
But the silver lining is that, with all the yoga I’ve been doing, I have found several more poses to add to our list from the Kama Sutra. Let’s just say, I’ve become extremely flexible.
However, I cannot stop looking at page 57. I won’t tell you how many times, but, Soldier Boy, that is a promise I want to see you make come true.
I’ve also enclosed more Nutella. Can you make it last three days? No judgments if you can’t. I’ve already confessed that I have zero self-control. So there is that. You’ll have to be stronger in the sweets department for the both of us.
Besides the Kama Sutra, do you have a favorite book or author? I’ve been reading through a very steamy series right now, which makes being away from you all the more difficult. For some reason, I can picture the two of us curled up together and you reading to me. Is that odd? Or would you do that? I’d love to hear your voice as you read a story to me. The idea of it makes my heart hurt. I’m a puddle of emotions over here.
I’m sorry. I promised to keep things upbeat for you. Let me tell you something fun. I went to the toy store. No, not that kind. It was with children’s toys. But adults can have fun buying items in there, too. Anyway, I found the GI Joe for my Barbie. I called my mom. I haven’t spoken to her since Christmas. It was awkward at first, and we didn’t really say much other than to talk about the difference in temperature between Pennsylvania and DC (which isn’t much, in case you were on pins and needles wanting to find out). Anyway, then I asked if she would send me my Barbie.
Am I freaking you out? It’s true, I really have a Barbie in the attic with a Vera Wang wedding dress. I’m guessing I freaked out my mom, and she began asking all these questions, and I told her about you. Then she had a zillion more questions. Questions that even I don’t have the answer to, like if you’re right or left handed? Or if you have any hobbies, or are really into a certain sport.
She told me I was, perhaps, moving too fast, and all those fun momisms. But I told her not to worry and to please send me my doll. I’m really not that wacky, but I wanted to have the dolls ready for your arrival, just so I could see your face. I didn’t want to go all-in by buying fifty-seven stuffed animals or any other type of dolls, but I really do have the Barbie, and I wanted to see how you would react upon sight. I’m sorry, I have a very sick sense of humor. I could almost imagine your face in response to seeing the dolls, and I haven’t even seen your face to know exactly how it would look, but somehow, I could picture it. For the record, it was hilarious.
Now, of course, I’ve given away that moment, but don’t worry, I’ll think of something else to surprise you.
With Love, Your Civilian Girl,
Vivian
Chapter Thirty
From: [email protected]
Sent: 9/2/16 00:37
To: [email protected]
Dear Civilian Girl,
Stop watching C-SPAN. Seriously, take a break from the news until I get home. If you hear nothing, it just means all is well. You’re stuck with me, Civilian Girl.
Sorry about the radio silence. I couldn’t contact you for reasons I can't say. Always reasons. You watch the news, you know why. I missed you. I’ve never met you, but I missed you. I know that is crazy. I missed sitting down to write to you. I haven’t even had time to open the lotion, which is a crying shame, since I hav
e had so much material to work with since your last email. Who knew bath time could be so much fun? But what is this crap about me not fitting in the tub with you? We will make that happen. I shouldn’t brag, but I’m an expert in fitting large things into small spaces.
Give Duke an extra treat from daddy. Good boy, keeping the men away. I knew I loved our dog. He makes all the crap with Mark worth it, like our silver lining.
I've been thinking a lot about silver linings, and serendipity, and just the way things work out. Any soldier could have picked up your letter, but it was me. I think about the moments that led up to that point, like why you were writing to a soldier in the first place, and why I needed a letter. A lot of shit led up to that point for both of us. But this came out of it, you, the best thing in my life, came out of the worst. I feel guilty for that, for being happy when I have no right to be. Do you ever feel like that? Is it OK to be happy when the things that make it possible are sad? I don’t know the answer. Sorry, I don’t know why I am thinking about this so much. Probably because you are becoming real. You have been just an idea for so long. And now, I have to face that my happiness is built on somebody’s tragedy. Or maybe everyone’s happiness is built on someone’s tragedy. I don’t know, Civilian Girl. I’m tired. Best not to think too hard in this state.
I should get some sleep, but I wanted to write to you. And honestly, I don’t really want to go to sleep. I’ve started dreaming again. I haven’t dreamed in a long time. Usually, I am too tired, and sleep is just a black oblivion, but I have started to have my coming home dream. It usually starts about a week before I come home and lasts for a few nights after. This time, it started early. It isn’t a bad dream, just frustrating; I’m trying to get home, but I miss my flight. I’m standing on the runway, screaming, but nothing is coming out, so I go to the train station, but it's closed. It's a dream, so Grand Central Station is in the middle of Kabul. When I get there, I try to buy a ticket, but when I speak, it's just gibberish. No one can understand me, so I can’t buy a ticket, and they end up dragging me out of the station. So, I try to get on a boat, and then I’m hitchhiking. No one can understand what I’m saying, so I keep missing my chances, and then finally, I decide I have to walk through the desert. This part of the dream is always the same, I’m always in the desert, and the sand gets so hot that it melts and starts pulling me under. I’m almost there, and my feet are on fire, so I cut them off. That is always where I wake up. It isn’t scary, just exhausting. I never feel like I’ve slept.
Have I bored you enough with my dreams? You are probably nodding off over there. I’m sorry. I’ve just been very introspective lately. Again, I blame it on being excited to see you. That must be what it is. This funk will lift as soon as I see you.
Are you worried? That we won’t like each other in person? That we won’t click? Or, God forbid, we are not sexually compatible? Maybe you like the position on page two and I am a diehard fan of page seventy? Which I am, by the way, in the shower.
I’m not worried. Mostly because I am great at page two. And because, in the worst-case scenario, we retreat to separate sides of the house and email each other. You can have your private time with your bath, and I’ll have mine with my lotion and pictures of you. It’s all good.
Was the story about your mom being worried allegorical? Are you the one who is scared? It’s OK if you are. I’m sure about us. As long as one of us is, it will be OK. Like when I needed you to be strong for me, I can be sure for you. Isn’t that what relationships are? As long as only one of us is keeping it together at all times, we are golden. We can take it in turns. Looks like I’m up first. And that’s OK, you will get your shot, soon enough, I’m sure.
Thank you for the care package. I haven’t opened the Nutella yet. I’ve not had time for that either. I think that speaks volumes about my lack of downtime. Not to worry, we will have plenty of time to eat Nutella in two months. Just need to keep counting down until then. And yes, I’ll sit on the couch and read romance novels with you after you watch the Diehard movies with me. I’ve never read a romance novel before, since I don’t have ovaries, but hell, I’m game.
Right handed, by the way, but I take hot things out of the oven with my left. Favorite books are One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest and Of Mice and Men. They are very similar. Try reading them back-to-back and you will see it.
Anymore get to know you questions? Are those cold feet warming up yet? Keep the questions coming, if that is what it takes. We’ll be fine. We've got this.
Now, I really need to try to get some sleep. Here’s hoping no dreams tonight. Or just dreams of you.
Love,
Matthew
P.S. Yep, I’m still celibate. But not for long!
Chapter Thirty-one
[email protected] Sent 9/8/16
[email protected]
Dear Soldier Boy,
Can I just say, I might have been on the fence about you, but then you mentioned the word allegorical, and swoon, I’m officially all-in. So, if you happened to be wavering, forget about it now. I didn’t want to mention this earlier, but the reason I don’t go to church is because I’m a Voodoo Queen. That first letter I had put a spell on, and thankfully for my amazing potion, it worked. Yay me! Well, yay us and our children, and really the world, because we do belong together, Matthew. Don’t you feel it, Soldier Boy? That part is not a joke; I really do feel it. I can’t wait to feel you in person. I bet the GI Joe can’t wait either; the poor guy has been touched a bit too much. Haha, just kidding. I really should stop saying such wacky things to you, but it’s like I sit here at my computer, and it just falls from my mind to the keys in front of me. Obviously, I could just hit the delete button so you wouldn’t see and experience the oddness of my brain, but I feel like you should. I feel like you should know how I think, and that way, you can be really sure. About me and us. I need you to be sure.
I’ve already got your name tattooed on me but I wanted to go one step further. I’m still thinking about what that could be, to show you how much I love you and how sure I am. The tattoo reads, “I heart Matthew.” Except, it doesn’t read “heart,” it is the actual image of a heart in a nice, bright red. It’s similar to the “I heart mom” tattoos. I’m sure you’re familiar. Anyway, it’s very classy. I had it outlined in black to really bring the red to light. It’s on my….well you’ll just have to find it. Or maybe you won’t…but enjoy the hunt, right?
Do you have any tattoos? I probably should have asked that in my very first letter. But that might have seen a bit forward, and by all means, I definitely did not want to come across as being too inquisitive. But now, given everything, I can say that if you have a tattoo, I will be entertained as I search your body for it.
Matthew, are you good with dates? If not, I found this website where you can have a keychain made with a certain month printed on a metal square and the date circled. I figured I could have this made for you for every significant date between us that needs to be remembered. Do you know what date will be the most important? I don’t even want to type it anymore because it makes me so nervous. Not nervous about not connecting with you and all that nonsense, but nervous about my weight-haha. Just kidding. No, I’m nervous because it’s so close. I can almost imagine myself in my kitchen, changing my calendar from October to November. I’ve already looked at November a zillion times, and circled, and made confetti, and balloons, and a heart on the 27th, but when that moment happens, and I officially change the calendar from October to November, it will be so awesome.
I don’t even know if I can handle that. I’ll probably faint, and with no one there to catch me, I’ll end up hitting my head. And then you’ll come back to me being in a coma. Wow, I’m sorry, I shouldn’t say something like that. But seriously, Matthew, if I were ever to be in a coma, I want you to know that, somewhere inside my brain, I still love you. I will always love you. So, even though we aren’t married, bring this letter to the hospital and show it to the staff, to
prove that I love you and that I want you to be with me in the room until I wake.
I’m sure I’ll look like a real-life version of Sleeping Beauty, so go ahead and kiss me, but none of that necrophilia stuff, because it freaks me out. Okay…forget it, I give you permission…you will have been celibate for a long time, so if you return and I’m in a coma in the hospital, go ahead and you know…do it. But at least kiss me first. Show me some form of romance, okay?
Now that we’ve gotten the necrophilia/coma situation out of the way, I think we’re good to go, right?
Stop watching C-SPAN…and miss your 15 minutes of fame? No way! Duke and I sit in front of the TV every night and every morning, hoping we might see you and you’ll mouth, “Hi Vivian” to me. (Don’t tell Duke, but he’s hoping you might mention the “t” word. I can’t even type it because he’s already had five today. Anymore, and we’ll have to go for another jog. And we’ve already gone three times today.) I saw this expl—I can’t say it. I don’t want to write about things like that to you, but anyway, I saw something upsetting, and I had to get out. I couldn’t be inside. I needed to run. It was like the room was losing all oxygen and all my air was being sucked from in front of me. The walls were spinning and—I’m sorry. I promised I wouldn’t write things like that to you.
Here, let me tell you something happy. I’m looking forward to seeing you in my bath tub. I’m excited about it and even more so that you are able to fit large things in small spaces. (Insert you know what x 2). ;)
Wow, that was a double entendre if I ever typed one! Haha! ;)
Dear Soldier Boy Page 11