I gave him something he desperately needed—my unconditional love and the promise to never tell a soul.
No one outside of my family knew his sexual orientation. My parents had been able to tell right away, but they never called him out. They just had an unspoken understanding and made him feel accepted without ever saying a word.
That’s why Gavin felt so comfortable at my house. This was the only place where he didn’t have to put on an act.
“I’ll miss him, but he needs to get away from here,” I said sadly. “He’ll be able to start over in California where he can just be who he is.”
“And what about you?” My dad reached out and affectionately touched my stick-straight strands. “Are you going to be able to be who you are?”
“I don’t know.”
Being a chameleon had become second-nature to me. It only took one day for me to realize how odd I was compared to everyone else, so I adapted to my surroundings. I conformed, all in the name of acceptance.
If I said the right things, wore the popular clothing, and straightened my hair, I could blend in.
I overcompensated by being involved in student activities and excelling in all the right areas—academics, art club, Spanish club, student council, year book committee. I was even nominated for homecoming queen. I didn’t win, but I was just happy to see my name up there.
I drew the line at cheerleading. I’d thought about trying out, but that would’ve meant spending an enormous amount of time with the A-squad, and that was just going too far.
However, I did attend all of Gavin’s football games, cheering him on from the sidelines while proudly wearing his jersey.
Rob—my other dad—appeared next to John in the hallway, tapping his bearded chin. “Do you have anything important going on next week, say, between Tuesday and Friday?”
Was it odd that I called my parents by their first names? In a family with heterosexual parents, I might’ve said yes. But John and Rob had decided it early on because calling two people ‘Dad’ could’ve gotten confusing for us.
My eyebrows furrowed as I thought about my plans between the last day of school and the graduation ceremony. “Probably catching up on the rest of that alien series. I’m on book nine and there was a major plot twist.”
“You mean the ones with those hunky blue men on the cover? Isn’t that romance?” John pursed his lips, turning toward Rob. “Don’t those books have sex in them?”
Rob gave him a chiding nudge, siding with me. He was definitely the more lenient of the two. “I think it’s sci-fi romance. Does that make you feel better?”
Rolling my eyes, I fought a smile. “I’m eighteen. Nothing you can do about it.”
“Well, how would you feel about reading them on a plane?” Rob asked.
Now I was confused. “What are you talking about?”
Hopping with excitement, Rob handed me an envelope and I opened it.
“Disney World?” Three tickets were inside. “You’re taking me there?”
They both nodded, grinning from ear to ear.
Squealing, I jumped up and down like a little kid. I’d never been there before and I didn’t even care that I was an adult now. It was going to be awesome. “I can’t fucking believe this!”
Another odd thing about my parents—they’d never cared much if I said traditional swear words. Growing up I’d been taught not to say the real bad words. Ugly. Retarded. Fag. Hate. When used as weapons, those were the ones that hurt, leaving invisible scars on hearts forever. And there was no reason for them to be directed at myself or anyone else. Ever.
Sure, the F-word lacked class, but every now and then the situation called for it. Like right now.
I lunged forward, wrapping them both in a hug.
“It’s a graduation present,” John wheezed out, because I was squeezing so hard. I couldn’t help it. I was so dang excited. “And there’s one more thing.”
I untangled myself from them, because more presents!
John handed me a small box. It took me a few seconds to figure out what it was, but after connecting the words ‘ancestry’ and ‘DNA’, I gasped. “Is this what I think it is?”
“Yep.” John’s expression was soft when he said, “We should’ve done this a long time ago. We know how important it is to you to find out your heritage. All you have to do is spit into the little container, send it off, and in about six weeks you should have the answers you’re looking for.”
Did he say spit? Gross. But still, this was amazing. “You guys are the best.”
I set it down on the counter next to the hair dye.
“What is that?” Rob asked, horrified, pointing at the other box in the room.
I sighed before tossing it into the garbage can. “A lapse in judgment.”
Having pink hair wasn’t going to fix my problems. I just had to make it until graduation, then I’d be free of this place.
Thank God I didn’t dye my hair.
As an end-of-the-year symbol of being best friends forever, the A-squad had gotten pink highlights. If I’d gone through with it, I would’ve spent the whole day rocking the same hairstyle as them and it might’ve looked like we planned it that way.
Shudder.
What a nightmare that could’ve been.
A group of overeager underclassmen sprinted past me, ready to get the hell out of this school. I moved out of their way and trailed my fingertips over the blue lockers as I strolled in the opposite direction.
The last bell had rung out less than ten minutes ago, and everyone was excited for the year to be over and for a summer of freedom to begin.
Everyone except me.
Bittersweet feelings swarmed through me as I lingered just a little longer. While I was so ready to leave high school behind, the thought of not seeing a certain someone on a regular basis hurt.
For the past eight months, Friday afternoon had been my favorite part of the week because I got to spend time with Ezra, the sweetest guy ever. I’d had my eye on him since freshman year, and to say I had a crush was an understatement.
There was something so pure and good about him.
His kindness was endless, and most people on the receiving end didn’t deserve it.
I’d seen him get insulted or laughed at by someone, only to watch him pay for their lunch when they came up a dollar short.
And he always carried gum with him—the best kind, with the neon orange wrapper. It was fruity and tart and so delicious. Everyone at our school was obsessed with it. The small grocery store in town frequently ran out of its supply, but Ezra gave it out like candy until the last piece was gone, not even keeping a stick for himself.
A lot of people did good deeds to get recognition, but not him. It was like he just wanted to make someone’s day better. Most of the time he’d leave before the person could even thank him.
And his selflessness melted my heart.
Over the years, I’d tried countless times to go out of my way to say hi or start conversations with him, only to be met with a timid smile and closed-ended answers until he ran away from me like I suffered from some serious BO.
But I smelled nice, damn it. It couldn’t have been that.
Eventually, I figured he just wasn’t attracted to me. It was a blow to my ego, but I’d learned from Gavin that we don’t get to choose who we want.
Sometimes I wondered why I had to like Ezra as much as I did. Why couldn’t I just turn it off? What was the point of having feelings for someone if they wouldn’t return them?
But those were pointless questions because no matter how many times I tried to come up with answers, it didn’t change the fact that I was totally smitten.
So I did what any person in my situation would do: I settled for being his friend instead.
Offering to tutor him in math once a week was the only way I could ever get him to agree to hang out. In exchange, he helped me with art class projects. An artist, I was not. My lack of crafting talent extended toward painting a
nd drawing too. I’d chosen to take it freshman year because I thought it would be fun. Painting and drawing was supposed to be fun, right? Wrong. Not only was I expected to be decent at it, I was also supposed to show improvement in my skills.
I would’ve thrown in the towel a long time ago, but my main reason for sticking with it? Ezra was there.
And I always found myself gravitating toward him.
Kind of like I was doing right now.
My backpack was lighter than usual as my sneakers squeaked down the empty hallway. Sadly, there was no tutoring session this afternoon, but my feet carried me to our regular meeting spot anyway.
Even though Ezra might not be there.
Even though Gavin was waiting for me out in the parking lot.
Even though I was just torturing myself with this unrequited crush.
I sighed.
Since today was the second to last day of school, and Monday was just a half-day, there were no tests to study for. No projects to turn in.
My chest tightened as reality hit home once again. I was staring down the barrel of two and a half Ezra-less months.
What would I do without his sweet smiles, that adorable dimple in his chin, and his intense discussions about the evolution of punk music? He’d become so much more comfortable with me in recent months, often losing himself in the moment, forgetting to be so reserved and shy.
And I knew I was special to him, at least in some small way. No one else got to see him let his guard down.
As I entered the school library, I mentally pepped myself up for the question I wanted to ask him—if I even got the chance—and the possible rejection coming my way.
The familiar smell of books and blissful silence that I would always associate with Ezra was calming. I breathed it, inhaling deep and exhaling slow. Passing the seemingly endless rows of shelves, I headed to the back and searched for him.
When his blond curls came into view, my heart fluttered just like it always did in his presence. As I approached the table, he glanced up wearing a bright smile just for me. He shut his sketchbook and shoved it into his backpack.
“Hi,” he said, his cheeks turning a deep pink.
After all the time we’d spent together, he still couldn’t stop blushing around me. It was adorable and I kind of loved it.
Like always, his handsomeness made my breath catch in my throat. With the light hair, blue eyes, and full pink lips, he was beautiful. It was probably weird to describe a guy that way, but he was. Inside and out.
“I wasn’t sure you’d show up today.” I dumped my bag on the floor and sat down.
He shrugged. “Where else would I be?”
Raising my eyebrows, I looked around. “Um, anywhere but at school?”
“Well, I had a feeling you’d come, so…” He shrugged again.
Pitter-patter. “I’m glad you’re here. I kind of wanted to talk to you about something.”
Might as well rip it off like a Band-Aid.
“Oh, yeah?”
Nerves caused me to hesitate.
I wanted to ask him to spend time with me outside of school. I wanted to tell him how hard it was for me to pretend I only liked him as a friend. That at night when I was alone, I closed my eyes in the dark and thought about running my hands through his hair and wondered what his lips would feel like against mine.
“What did you want to talk about?” he prodded, reminding me of the fact that I was supposed to be speaking right now, not getting lost in his baby blue eyes.
Now it was my turn to have heated cheeks.
I focused on his charcoal-smudged fingertips as I rambled, “Well, you’re the only other person I know going to McAdams University. I thought maybe we should hang out this summer, you know? Might as well since we’ll be seeing a lot of each other in the fall. It’ll be nice having a friend there.”
Whew. There, that wasn’t so bad.
“I can’t,” Ezra said regretfully, ducking his head.
My stomach sank. “Oh, okay. It was just an idea. No biggie.” I tried to keep my tone light to play it off like getting turned down didn’t make me feel like tossing up my lunch. Pretty sure I failed.
“Sorry.” His kind gaze locked with mine. “It’s not that I don’t want to, but I won’t be here. My parents are sending me to a summer-long physical therapy retreat for my leg. I leave right after graduation.”
“Oh,” I said, my stab of disappointment morphing into relief. “That sounds like it’ll be great.”
“It’s gonna be torture,” he deadpanned. “I saw the pamphlet. High-protein, low-carb menu. Daily exercise. In the heat. It’s basically fat camp.”
Amused, I snorted. “A retreat is probably kind of like a spa. I bet you’ll be spoiled rotten there.”
He didn’t look convinced.
“What about next week sometime?” he suggested, blushing again. “I could hang out then.”
“I can’t.” I frowned. I never thought I could be disappointed about going to the greatest place in the world, but right then I kind of wished I was staying home. “My parents surprised me with a trip to Disney World. I’m not even embarrassed about the fact that I’m crazy excited. It’s my first time. Have you ever been there?”
Anxiously fiddling with his graphite pencil, he shook his head. “No. I mean, I’ve always wanted to but there’s a lot of walking involved. And my leg…”
“Oh, right. Sorry.” Damn, I was an insensitive asshole. I honestly forgot about Ezra’s disability most of the time. To me, he was perfect.
Seeming a bit self-conscious, he tugged at the collar of his black hooded sweatshirt.
How he could stand to dress that way in the heat, I had no idea. I was already burning up in my T-shirt and jeans.
I knew why he did it, though. Ezra’s body wasn’t the athletic type, and he often tried to hide behind bulky clothing. He wasn’t fat. He was just… soft. Soft in the way that made me want to hug him and snuggle up in his warmth.
It wasn’t his fault he couldn’t do a lot of physical activity. When he was a kid, his left leg had been injured so badly that he still walked with an uneven gait.
Last year after I’d finally worked up the courage to ask him about his limp, he told me he fell out of a tree when he was six. Broke it in two places and tore some ligaments. The damage was so severe that he almost had to have it amputated. He’d had several surgeries afterward, saving his limb, but he still had trouble with it.
I used to be jealous of the fact that he got a free pass from P.E.—I freaking hated P.E.—but guilt and shame had weighed down on me when he’d said he missed running.
I’d participated in track and field for one year—another attempt at blending in—and I’d spent months bitching to Gavin about how much I loathed it.
But knowing Ezra put things in perspective. I was lucky. The simple luxury of being able to walk around Disney World all day was something I took for granted.
“Don’t be sorry,” Ezra said with a small grin. “Just take a picture with Mickey for me, okay?”
I smiled. “You got it.”
My eyes fell to his neck. He’d left a dark streak of charcoal behind on his fair skin when he’d pulled at the neck of his shirt, and my fingertips itched to trace it or smudge it away.
My phone chirped with a text, interrupting my inappropriate thoughts.
Gavin: Hey, where are you?
Me: Library.
Gavin: Nerd.
I snickered, and Ezra gestured toward me. “That Gavin?”
Nodding, I stood up. “Guess I better get out there. He’s my ride.”
Side by side, we left the library in companionable silence. I timed my steps to a leisurely pace, making sure Ezra didn’t feel like he had to keep up.
I still hadn’t invited him to the big graduation party yet, which was another thing he’d probably turn down.
Gavin’s parents were out of town again this weekend, which was a regular occurrence, and they didn’t care about how many frie
nds he had over or if there was alcohol. It had made his house the best celebration spot.
I wasn’t much of a drinker. The one time I’d tried it, I took it too far and ended up spending an hour with my head in the toilet while Gavin held my hair back. After that I stuck to water, but I still had fun most of the time.
However, the parties would’ve been better if Ezra was there.
I’d told myself I never asked him to come before because I didn’t think it was his thing. Hell, it wasn’t my thing either. I’d much rather stay in and watch a movie or something. If I was completely honest with myself, I was always too scared Ezra would say no.
But this was a now or never kind of situation. Seemed like I was working up all kinds of courage today.
We pushed the big double doors open, and the gravel parking lot crunched under our feet as I psyched myself up. I wasn’t sure if the sweat on my forehead was from the heat or from nerves.
Just as I was about to open my mouth, I saw AJ walking in our direction with Abby at his side. From the glint in his eye, I could tell he was going to be trouble. AJ had always been a jerk, but after making varsity on the baseball team, he thought he was hot shit.
News flash: he wasn’t.
“Watch this,” he muttered to Abby, then called out, “Hey, Slug. Blush.”
On command Ezra’s cheeks flared, and he scowled down at his feet.
Abby laughed.
Feeling protective, I shuffled closer to him and ignored AJ’s jab. I’d learned a long time ago that any response would just encourage him.
But as he passed us, he made a quick move, kicking his leg out toward Ezra’s left knee. AJ stopped short, pulling back before making contact, but Ezra lost his balance and fell ungracefully to the ground.
“What the hell, AJ?” I shouted, leaning down to help Ezra up. Embarrassed, he shrugged me off, keeping his crimson-colored face turned away.
The bastard standing above us laughed. “What? I didn’t even touch him and he went down like a sack of potatoes.”
Anger flowed through me. As much of a nuisance they’d been to me over the years, that’s all they were—an annoyance.
OUTCAST: A Good Guys Novel Page 2