by Jade West
“So, what do you know?” I stared at her. “Why are we here? Parked up in the middle of nowhere?”
“Because I know you.” She unclipped her belt, and my belly flipped. “Because I know I want you. Because you’re the only thing that makes sense to me, right now, you and Rick.” She reached for me, and I closed my eyes. “Because you’re so straight, Carl. Because you don’t shy away from what’s ahead. Because you’re always there.”
I smirked. “I’m rarely called straight, Katie. That makes a novel change.”
“Rick’s right about you, when he says you’re the best man he’s ever known. You’re the best man I’ve ever known, too. The best men I’ve ever known, you and Rick.”
“Stop,” I said. “You don’t have to say all this.”
She smiled. “You’ll be the best dad, Carl. You’re everything a good dad should be. Loyal, and honest, and strong. Kind. Hardworking. Supportive.”
Her words made my skin tingle. I had to change the subject. I couldn’t take it, not even the thought. Just in case. Just in case it was false hope.
“Your dad isn’t all that bad, Katie, I promise. I really think you should consider giving him a chance. A fresh start, right from the beginning. The start you should have had.”
She was close, so close. Her knees up on the seat, her breath on my cheek. “Kiss me,” she said. “That’s what I want. That’s the one thing I know.”
“Rick’s at home,” I said. “He’s only minutes away…”
She shook her head, and then her lips were on me, soft against my cheek. “Please,” she said. “Kiss me, Carl, right here.”
My heart was racing, my stomach all chewed up. My legs were wobbly and my throat was dry, and life felt unsteady and raw.
And all I wanted was him.
The man who laid everything on the line, who walked the road of truth and honour, no matter where that took him.
“Please,” I said. “Kiss me, Carl, right here.”
He turned his head and his lips were so close to mine. “We come together or not at all,” he whispered. “That’s how we are.”
I stroked his face. “But we’re a three now, right?”
“Yes. That’s right.”
“So, things have got to change, no? Move forward? Evolve?”
“What do you mean?”
His breath was hot on my lips, and I breathed him in. “I love you, Carl.”
He stopped breathing, and his eyes turned wide.
“I love you, and I love Rick. I love both of you. I love both of you together, and both of you as just yourself. Sometimes I’ll want to love Rick, and sometimes I’ll want to love you, and sometimes, most of the time, I’ll want to love you both together.” I let him digest my words. “And sometimes I’ll want you to love each other without me. That’s how three should work, Carl. That’s how I want it to work. Naturally, however it feels right.”
“Katie… I don’t know…”
I put a finger to his lips. “Do you love me, Carl? I know you don’t like to say it, but I’m asking you. And I’ll know you’ll give me the truth because…”
He moved my hand from his mouth, and his lips pressed to mine. He took a breath, took my face in his hands, and he kissed me. He kissed me like he loved me.
And then he said it.
“Yes, I love you, Katie.” He paused. “And so does Rick, and he’s waiting for us at home.”
I pictured Rick, his kind smile, his beautiful body. The way he loved so easily.
I nodded. “Ok,” I said. “Let’s go home.”
His fingers were in my hair before I could move, holding me tight, holding me still. His mouth was urgent this time, his tongue hunting mine, his breath ragged. He let out a low moan, and pulled my body close to his, the warmth of him burning me up.
And then he let me go.
“We’ll talk about this,” he said. “All of us. We’ll make this work as a three, together and separately. It’s time.”
He pulled away from the truck stop.
“It’s real,” I said. “I told my mum about us.”
He raised his eyebrows as he worked up through the gears. “You really did cover a lot of ground this evening. What did she say?”
I laughed a little, remembering the moment. The shock, the surprise, the awkward questions. Do you… with both of them? At the same time? And do they…? Are they…? How does this work, Katie? How does it ever work?
And what about the future, Katie? What about marriage? What about kids?
And then my shock, my shock at the realisation I wasn’t repulsed, wasn’t armed with my usual I don’t even want kids announcement, that I’d been using right through my teens, right off the cuff.
I cut a long story short.
“She said she wants to meet you. Properly.” I smiled. “She wants to meet you both.”
“That’s something,” he said. “At least she didn’t run screaming.” He smirked. “And where does she want this to happen? We could take her out, a nice bite to eat, somewhere tasteful. Impress her with culinary delights.”
“We already decided.” I looked at him. “The Cheltenham Chase. I mean, you are coming right? You are coming to see me and Samson?”
He squeezed my knee. “Of course we’re coming. Wouldn’t miss it for the world.”
And so it was settled.
Mum would meet my boyfriends at the Cheltenham Chase.
Right after Samson and I had kicked Verity’s nasty little ass to the kerb.
It was that same snooty receptionist at the Stroud office, the same one who’d judged me on interview day and found me severely lacking in my bite me, baby t-shirt. She didn’t give me any such look this morning, not in my posh little suit and my posh little heels.
“David Faverley,” I said, and my tone was confident, demanding.
She dialled him without hesitation. “Mr Faverley, your daughter for you.” A pause. “No, sir. Miss Smith…”
She gave me a smile as she disconnected.
“He’ll send someone right down.”
“I’ll find him.”
She didn’t even try to stop me.
I checked out my reflection in the elevator mirrors, so different than the girl who’d stared back at me last time around. Had I really changed so much? Inside as well as out?
I wasn’t sure anymore. Wasn’t sure of anything. I took a breath and willed my heart to calm itself the hell down as the doors pinged open, and I was back on the executive floor, back amongst director’s offices and board level meeting rooms and all that crap.
Another of the neck scarf brigade was heading down the hallway. “Miss Smith, I was just on my way. Your father is right down the hall, on the left. I’ll take you.”
“No need,” I said, and I was off.
I found his office right on the end. Mr David C. Faverley. CEO.
I knocked once before I opened the door, took one last deep breath before I pushed my way into his office like a bull entering a china shop.
He didn’t even have time to stand. No time to greet me.
“I know,” I said. “I know my mum lied. I know she told you I was… aborted. I know you didn’t know about me.”
His face turned pale, so pale.
Just like I imagined mine had.
Just like my mum’s had.
“Katie… good Lord, I…” He gestured for me to take a seat. Picked up his phone, dialled out with a cough. “Cancel everything for today… yes everything… I don’t care, he’ll have to wait… thank you.” He put the phone down.
I stared out of his window, and the sky was blue. Just a smattering of cloud. Just a nice normal summer’s day.
He coughed again. “Was this… your mother? Did she…”
I shook my head. “Carl.”
He nodded, just a little. “Carl, yes. Of course.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?” I asked. “You could have told me.”
He held out his hands. “Your mother was worried about the
effect it would have on you. She didn’t want to dwell on the past, she was adamant, right from the off. She said we should start afresh, so as not to confuse you any more than absolutely necessary.” He sighed. “I respected that.”
“Why did you respect that? She lied to you, for more than a decade.”
“Because I respected your mother, Katie. I respected her judgement. I still do.”
I couldn’t hold back a laugh. “Is that why you fired her? Cast her aside like a stray dog? Was that your respect?”
“It was never like that.” He looked right at me. “I made mistakes. I didn’t do right by your mother, Katie. Lord knows I didn’t, and Lord knows I regret it, but with you…” He paused. “I would have been there for her, I would have been there for you. But it was too late. I’d already done the damage.” He put his head in his hands. “I loved your mother, with God as my witness, I loved your mother dearly, but I’d lost the fight. It was over for her.”
“You didn’t fight very hard, Dad. Not for love. Not for the baby she was carrying!”
“She told me it was too late.” His eyes were so sad. “Told me she wanted nothing to do with me.”
“And you accepted that?” I tried not to glare at him.
“Things were difficult enough at home. I had the boys and Olivia was carrying Verity. I tried to make the best choices, but everything I did was wrong, Katie. I was wrong to try again with Olivia, I was wrong to cast out your mother, I was wrong to accept her word about the termination, knowing she’d already lied to me once about you.”
I raised my eyebrows.
“She left without telling me she was pregnant. Not a single word on the subject. I found out through a friend of hers.”
“And she told you it was too late?”
“Yes, she told me it was too late. And I believed her.”
I met his eyes, and he was telling the truth. I could feel my own emotions, bubbling around, but I kept breathing, kept my cool. “Mum loved you.”
“And I loved her.”
“But you were still sleeping with your wife? You must have been.”
He shook his head. “It was once. One last ditch attempt at salvaging something for the boys.”
“Convenient,” I scoffed.
“I don’t expect you to believe me.”
“I don’t know what to believe.” I took a steadying breath. “I thought I knew everything, thought I understood everything, but I didn’t. I don’t.”
“I’m sorry.”
I smiled, fought back the tears in my eyes. “Yeah, you and everyone else.”
“I should have told you.”
“Yes, you should. Maybe things could have been different. Maybe we’d have had more of a chance.” I sighed. “I never gave you a chance. I never had reason to give you a chance.”
“That’s my own fault,” he said. “I handled it all wrong. I know that now.” He looked straight at me, eyes glassy. “I was just so… overwhelmed. I treated the situation like I treated everything in life, just dived right in, tried to make the best of it, but it was the wrong call.”
“I didn’t belong there… not with you… not ever…”
“You did, Katie,” he said. “I just handled it so badly you didn’t feel like you belonged there.”
“Maybe you think so,” I scoffed. “But not Verity! Not Olivia! Not the boys!” I wiped away the threatening tears. “They hated me!”
He held up his hands. “And that was my fault, too. I didn’t prepare them, didn’t warn them, just tried to throw you all together. They were as shocked as you were, as shocked as I was.”
“But I wasn’t mean! I wasn’t spiteful and nasty and cruel.”
“I didn’t know how hard they were making things,” he said. “Not until it was too late. By then you didn’t want to know them, didn’t want to know me.” He reached out his hands. “I couldn’t reach you, Katie.”
“You didn’t try!”
“You wouldn’t let me.”
And he was right, I wouldn’t let him. It would have been too little, too late.
“This is all fucked up,” I said. “The whole sorry fucking thing.”
He sighed. “No, Katie. It only feels like that. This could be the beginning. The new beginning.” He reached his hands further across the desk. “That’s what I want. More than anything. It’s what I’ve always wanted.”
“We don’t know each other…”
“We can get to know each other. Slowly, this time. Like it should have been, Katie. Just you and me.”
“I don’t know…”
“You’re here aren’t you? That’s a start…”
I shrugged. “So much bad feeling… so much unnecessary bad feeling.”
“It doesn’t matter now. It doesn’t have to matter now.”
“You could have been with my mum,” I said. “If you loved her.”
He sighed again. “Love is complicated, Katie. I loved your mother so much it took my breath, but I loved Olivia, too. She was the mother of my boys, a good woman, a woman I could depend on.” His shoulders were tense. So tense. “I know you may not see them like that, but Olivia and Verity are good people. They are just very insecure, very highly strung. They have a more prickly heart. Not like your mother, and not like you, either.”
“Is that a compliment?”
He smiled. “You’ve always made me so proud, Katie, from the very first moment I saw you. I just regret you never got to realise.”
Tears pricked, but I didn’t let them fall. “This has to be slow,” I said. “I just… I don’t know how this could even work… after all this time…”
“However you want it to. You call the shots. Not like last time, this time it’s all at your pace, Katie, whatever you want.”
“I didn’t think you gave a shit last time.”
“You have no idea how much I gave a shit. No idea at all.” His words were raw and choked.
I felt awkward again, scratchy in my suit, small in the big leather swivel chair. “I’d better go,” I said. “I told Carl I’d only be an hour.”
He smiled. “I hear how well you’re doing. I check in every day.”
“I know,” I said. “He tells me.”
“He does?”
“I’d better go.” I got to my feet, held out a hand, and it felt stupid. He took it anyway. “I’m sorry,” I said. “For my part. For not giving you a chance.”
“You have nothing to be sorry for. Nothing. The apology is all mine.” He squeezed my hand so tight. “I’m sorry, Katie.”
My breath was sore in my chest. I nodded. Smiled. Shook his hand.
And then I pulled away, walked to the door, brushed aside a tear before I stepped into the corridor, but there were footsteps, a hand on my arm.
“Katie…” he said, and then he didn’t say anything at all. He pulled me into him, and held me tight, and I was so rigid, so scared. “I am so sorry. I’m sorry about your mother, I’m sorry for what I did, I’m sorry I wasn’t there.”
I nodded, held my breath to stop the tears.
“I love you, Katie, you’re my daughter. I always loved you.”
And I couldn’t say it back. No matter how much I wanted to, no matter how much I wanted to believe him, wanted to believe I had a dad, and that that dad loved me, had always loved me. No matter how much my heart thumped in my chest and my stomach pained with all the hurt and all the forgotten dreams, I just couldn’t say it back.
I didn’t know him enough to love him.
Didn’t know him at all.
But maybe one day.
I wrapped my arms around my father’s shoulders, and I stayed there, just long enough to count.
And that would have to be enough.
For today.
The tears pricked again as I pulled up outside the Cheltenham office, and underneath them my thoughts were all fucked up. Sadness, and shock, and a glimmer of hope.
And anger. There was anger there.
Not at my mum, who’d d
one her best despite a few wrong calls. Not even at my dad, who’d let her down and made a few wrong calls of his own. Epic style.
My anger was at Verity.
The cold steely determination in my belly turned hot, and it spat and spluttered. Maybe if she hadn’t been so cruel. Maybe if she hadn’t made me feel so worthless, so unwelcome. Maybe then, I’d have been able to stay, just enough to get to know him, just enough to know he didn’t hate me.
Maybe things would have been different.
I sighed to myself. What did that really matter now?
I breathed out all my hurt, all my anger, breathed out all the bitterness and confusion, and fear. And what was left was me, just me, the same me I’d always been.
Except now I knew the truth.
Finally, after all this time, and all this hurt, I knew the truth.
Carl pulled me aside on my way in, but I shook my head.
“I’m alright,” I said, and brushed his hand from mine. “I’m good.”
“What did he say?”
“Lots,” I shrugged. “Nothing. Everything.”
“Want to go talk?” His eyes were so hard on mine.
I shook my head again. “I want to work, Carl. I need the headspace.”
He nodded. “Alright, Katie, whatever you want. I’m right here.”
“I know,” I said, and I did know.
I hammered the fuck out of my calls that afternoon. I was on a mission, consumed by nothing other than the desire to forget it all and fly high on the leaderboard. I chased up all my prospects, closed everything I could into an opportunity, and those leads clocked up for me. Even Ryan looked confused.
“Who put the steam in your kettle today?”
I shrugged. “Just my lucky day, I guess.”
He reached out to me, pretended to bathe in my glory. “I hope it’s contagious.”
“If this is luck, you’re welcome to it,” I said, and gave his arm a friendly slap.
I was making a coffee when Verity clacked her way into the kitchen behind me. My skin prickled. Wondering what she knew. Wondering what she’d heard. Wondering if she knew anything at all.
She appeared at my side, reached up for a coffee mug, and she was stewing, I could tell.