‘Great, great peace. A peace you can feel. A stillness.’
She reached out for his hand and gripped it.
‘I’m so frightened.’
‘I know. So am I.’
‘What of?’
‘Of losing you.’
She was amazed. ‘Losing me?’
‘Yes. Losing you. I can’t imagine life without you now. You are the only truly happy thing I have. I love you. I love you so much.’
She lay on her pillows, her eyes fixed in genuine, awestruck astonishment on his face. ‘I never knew.’
‘I know you didn’t. God knows why you didn’t. Didn’t I behave as if I did?’
She thought, looking back over the lost, happy years. ‘Yes. Yes, I suppose you did. I never saw it, but yes you did.’
He smoothed her thin hair back from her forehead. ‘And you don’t look hideous. Truly. You look lovely.’
She looked at him and smiled, took his hand.
‘I wish I’d known.’
‘Why?’
‘Well – I would have been nicer to you for a start.’
‘You’ve been very nice to me recently.’
‘I know, but I was so horrid all those years.’
‘True.’
‘I was just so afraid – well, it doesn’t matter.’
‘I know. That I would come and claim Miles.’
‘Yes.’
‘As if I would have done. Loving you. Loving him.’
She looked at him. ‘Do you love him?’
‘Very much. I think he’s interesting and clever and charming. Like me.’
‘No, seriously.’
‘Seriously I think he’s all those things. Seriously I love him. And I’ll do everything I can to take care of him.’
‘But you won’t . . .’
‘No. Never. Don’t worry.’
‘He’ll need taking care of. My mother is going to move down. She’ll see he does his school work and doesn’t go on the streets, but she won’t truly understand him and what he needs. She can’t.’
‘I’m sure Amy will do a lot. And his other friends and their families.’
‘At first. But they have their own families. And they’ll slowly stop thinking about Miles. In that kind of way.’
‘Well, I will do my best.’
‘What will you do? What can you do?’
‘Oh, lots of things. I even thought about adopting him. Don’t look at me like that, I’m a good liar and I would have thought of something.’
‘Are you a good liar?’
‘Excellent.’
‘I’m not. Sometimes I wish I was.’ She sighed and looked at him with a rueful smile. ‘Miles is a wonderful liar. I can’t even tell when he’s doing it.’
‘Well, it can be useful. Anyway, I thought I would make a settlement on Miles, a lump sum, to be held in trust for him. The income will be useful to your mother now. At least they won’t have any material worries.’
‘Hugo, how can you afford that sort of thing? Are you very rich?’
‘No. Not what I would call very rich. But I do have some money and I think I owe it to him.’
‘And who will look after this settlement? See he gets it?’
‘My lawyer in New York.’
‘Could my mother have his name?’
‘Of course.’
‘Thank you.’
‘And then later, I will see he goes to a good college. That will postpone his draft as long as possible. I know that worries you. And then, I will also see he gets a job. A good job. Maybe he could work for me. I don’t know. But I won’t let him hang around the town, sharing peace and love with the flower children. Or taking drugs. I promise you. And I will come and see him very often, and talk to him, and make sure there aren’t any serious problems, and that he isn’t seriously unhappy. That your mother is meeting all the needs she can. That he isn’t too lonely. Too lost.’
Lee was crying again. ‘I’m sorry. I can’t bear the thought of leaving him. It’s the worst, the only thing I really care about.’
‘I know.’
She was silent for a while. Then: ‘Why do you love me? I mean what is it about me? I don’t really understand. I thought it was just sex.’
‘It was at first. I thought you were the most beautiful, desirable, sexy woman I had ever seen. You were certainly the sexiest woman I’d ever been to bed with.’
‘Really?’ she said in genuine astonishment.
‘Yes, really.’
‘But how? I mean in what way?’
‘Hard to define. I suppose because you didn’t think about it. Didn’t analyse it. Just wanted it terribly badly and did it.’
‘And could you tell I wanted it? I mean early on?’
‘Oh yes,’ he said, kissing her hand, fixing her eyes with his own. ‘From that very first day, that very first lunch. I thought, now there is a lady who would be a terrific, gloriously outrageously wonderful lay. And I was right.’
‘OK. So that was the sex. But the love?’
‘Oh, the love. That’s quite different.’
‘How?’
‘I had to love you without ever getting near you again. So I had to find other things to love. It wasn’t hard.’
‘What were they?’
‘Your courage. Your honesty. Your straightforward, sock it to me, let’s get on with life attitude. And then later, more recently, still your courage, which has been phenomenal, but also your capacity for happiness. For pleasure. The talent you have for caring for people. I think,’ he said slowly, stroking her hand very gently, ‘I am very lucky to have known you. And to have fathered your – our child. I count it as a great privilege. And it is the source of great happiness in my life.’
‘Oh, Hugo,’ said Lee, a great sob breaking into her voice, lying back on her pillows, closing her eyes, ‘leave me alone now. Come back tomorrow. I can’t bear it.’
‘All right,’ he said standing up. ‘I’ll go. And I will be back tomorrow.’
‘How – how long can you stay?’
‘A while. As long as you need me.’
‘All right.’
‘Now Mom, are you absolutely perfectly sure about all this?’
‘I’m as perfectly sure as I can be,’ said Mrs Kelly with a martyred sigh. ‘The way I look at it, I don’t have much choice.’
‘Well you are sixty-five. That’s quite an age to be caring for a little boy.’
‘And what a little boy. If you’d raised him a little more strictly it might be an easier task. I always told you you spoilt him. Now I have to pick up the pieces.’
‘Oh, Mom, don’t. And he’s a good boy. Please remember that. Please. And he needs love.’
‘I know.’ Her face softened. ‘It’s all right, Honey, I will love him. I do love him. You don’t have to fret.’
‘I can’t help fretting.’
‘Yes, well, it don’t help anyone. Least of all you.’
‘No, I suppose. Now Mom, I want to talk to you about money. There really isn’t a problem there.’
‘Why not? Dean never made any money.’
‘No, but – well, he had a good life policy. Hugo – Mr Dashwood, you know – he helped me invest it and it is worth quite a lot now. He suggests we put it in trust for Miles, for when he’s twenty-one, and the income will be very useful to you in the meantime.’
‘It must be a very good life policy. How come you got it when Dean killed himself?’
‘Oh, it was a special one,’ said Lee quickly. ‘And also, Mom, if you have any problems, money or legal ones, you can contact Mr Dashwood. He lives in England, but he has a small office in New York. They can take messages. You can always contact him, if it’s urgent. Only don’t do it all the time.’
‘I certainly won’t,’ said Mrs Kelly. ‘I wouldn’t want to. I don’t like the English. Stiff, unfriendly lot. Living in the dark ages most of the time.’ She looked at Lee sharply. ‘Mr Dashwood seems to be a very good friend to you, Lee.’
‘He is,’ sai
d Lee firmly, ‘and he was a real good friend to Dean too. Dean – helped him once, when he was starting out. He’s always said he’d like to repay that.’
‘I see.’
‘And you really really don’t mind coming to live over here?’
‘I mind like hell,’ said Mrs Kelly. ‘Like hell. And how I can face saying goodbye to those hens I don’t know. But I know my duty. I always have. I would never forgive myself if I failed in it now. And this is where Miles should be. I can see that. So what must be must be. But it isn’t easy.’
‘No,’ said Lee. She closed her eyes.
Her mother looked at her. ‘Are you OK?’
‘Just about. It’s nearly time for the morphine. That’s a bad bit of the day.’
‘Poor kid,’ said her mother. It was the first and indeed the only time she had ever evinced any sympathy for Lee whatsoever. Lee knew what it meant. She smiled at her mother and took her hand.
‘I really am very grateful to you.’
‘Hmm. Well, I just hope I last the course.’ There was a pause. ‘Lee, that affair you were having – before Dean died, the one that caused it – is that right over now? I never asked you, never wanted to know. But now I need to, I guess.’
‘Oh, yes,’ said Lee. ‘Absolutely over.’
‘Amy, you will keep an eye on Miles, won’t you?’
‘Of course I will. You know I will.’
‘No, but you’ll keep keeping an eye on him. You won’t forget.’
‘For God’s sake, Lee. We go back a long way. I won’t forget.’
‘He’ll need you so badly.’
‘I know.’
‘Just – just hug him sometimes. And have some fun with him.’
‘I will. Don’t worry about it.’
‘I can’t help it.’
‘I know.’
‘Hugo will be down from time to time. Keeping an eye on things. He’s – he’s very fond of Miles.’
Amy looked at her deadpan. ‘I can see that.’
‘Yes, well.’
‘He’s very fond of you too, I guess.’
‘Yes, he is.’
‘You’re not going to tell me, are you, Lee?’
‘No,’ said Lee simply.
‘Yeah, well, I have eyes in my head. And a brain. Oh, don’t look at me like that, Lee. I won’t say anything. I can’t say anything. I don’t know anything to say.’
‘No,’ said Lee. ‘No, you don’t.’
‘Is – is everything all right with your mom? Money and so on.’
‘Oh, yes,’ said Lee. ‘No worries about money. There’s the insurance and everything. The house is mine. No mortgage.’
‘Some insurance policy,’ said Amy.
‘Yes.’
‘How do you feel?’ said Amy, looking at her tenderly.
‘Lousy.’
‘You look lousy.’
‘Thanks.’
‘Does it hurt a lot?’
‘Sometimes. The drugs are very good. Mostly it’s just terrible discomfort. And weakness. Weariness. And I can’t sleep.’ She gripped her friend’s hand. ‘Oh, Amy, I’m not even scared any more. I just want it to be over.’
‘It will be, Honey. Soon.’
‘Miles, look at me. No, on second thoughts, don’t. I’m not a pretty sight.’
‘You look OK.’
‘Thanks Hon.’
‘That’s OK.’
‘Now listen to me, Miles. We have to have a talk.’
‘OK.’
‘Now you do know, don’t you, that I won’t be here much longer.’
‘Yes, I do.’
‘Now we have to be grown up and sensible about this, Miles. No point crying or making a fuss, like I used to tell you about your school work. It has to be done.’
‘That’s different from my school work. I manage to duck out of that. I can’t duck out of you dying.’
‘No,’ said Lee, thinking she would stifle under the weight of the huge tearing pain in her heart as she looked at him, so much worse than any physical pain she had endured over the past three months. ‘No, you can’t. And I can’t duck out of it either.’
‘Are you scared Mom?’
‘A bit. Not really any more.’
‘I’m scared.’
‘What of?’
‘Of being without you.’
‘Oh, Miles.’ She closed her eyes, swallowed, fought to hold on to herself. ‘Miles, don’t be scared. You’re allowed to be sad, but not to be scared. You’ll manage. You’re so brave. And so tough.’
‘Like you. You’re the bravest person I ever even heard of.’
‘I try to be,’ said Lee.
‘Was Dad brave? I don’t really remember.’
‘Very brave.’
‘Why did he die, Mom? I never understood. I think you should tell me. I know he killed himself. Billy Fields told me he heard his mom tell his dad that Dad killed himself. And I saw a newspaper cutting that somebody else found in their attic. And I just can’t think why. All I can remember is us being a really happy family.’
‘Well, we were,’ said Lee staunchly. ‘And don’t let anyone ever tell you any different. We were very very happy. Your dad was happy. Until – until that last day. Then he did something silly. Something foolish. And it went rather badly wrong.’
‘What?’
‘Well, you see’ – God help me, thought Lee – ‘you see, although your dad was very clever and very good, he didn’t make that much money. He was quite successful but not terribly terribly successful. And he minded about that very much. And he heard that an old friend had done terribly terribly well, and he got very depressed, and he felt he was a failure. And he also got very drunk. And then he went up to bed and took some sleeping pills. Only, mixed with the drink and his bad heart, it killed him.’
‘I see. How sad.’
‘Yes, it was terribly sad. Dreadful. But I have learnt to think about when we were happy. As you do. Just keep thinking about that, Miles. Don’t let anyone take it away from you.’
‘I won’t. Anyway, I feel better now. I wish I’d asked you before. I’m glad you told me.’ He looked at her, his frightened, loving heart in his dark blue eyes. ‘Oh, Mom, what am I going to do without you to make me feel better?’
Lee couldn’t speak. She held out her arms, and Miles, big boy that he was, crawled into them. She smoothed back his hair, kissed his head, stroked his face.
‘I’m sorry I don’t work at school much, Mom,’ he said after a while. ‘Was that what you wanted to talk to me about?’
‘Partly,’ said Lee, grateful to get the conversation on a less emotional level. ‘Not because I’m cross with you. But because I have such hopes, such high hopes for you. You’re so clever, Miles. Cleverer than me or Dad’ (Oh, God, she thought, I shouldn’t have said that) ‘and you can do so well. So terribly well. Don’t throw it away, Miles. You must work hard. Don’t let me down.’
‘You won’t be there,’ he said with simple logic. ‘You won’t know if I’ve let you down.’
‘Now look,’ said Lee, half laughing, half crying, ‘is that going to make me feel any better right now, Miles Wilburn? Worrying about you, all day and all night? I want to – to go away feeling proud and confident and happy about you. That’s the very last thing you can give me, and it will be such a lot.’
‘OK,’ said Miles. ‘I promise. I’ll work hard. Do you want me to be President? I’ll try if you want.’
‘It might do for starters.’
‘OK.’
‘And I want you to be real nice to Granny Kelly. It won’t be easy for her. She won’t have her friends or her hens or anything.’
‘I wouldn’t mind her hens. I like hens.’
‘Yes, well there’s no space for hens in our back yard.’
‘I don’t know,’ said Miles, brightening up, ‘there might be.’
‘Well,’ said Lee, with the first thankful sigh she had heaved for weeks, ‘that is nothing to do with me, that is entirely betw
een you and Granny Kelly.’
‘OK.’
‘Now, Mr Dashwood –’
‘Mom, I wish you’d call him Hugo to me. He calls himself Hugo.’
‘All right, Hugo. He has very kindly said he will keep an eye on you and Granny Kelly, so if you have any big problems, at school, or about money, or if you think Granny isn’t coping, you can talk to him. I’ll give you his number in New York – he won’t answer it, it’s not his home, but a secretary will take a message.’
‘OK. Where is his home exactly?’
‘In England.’
‘I know, but where?’
‘I’m not sure. In London, somewhere.’
‘He seems real fond of you, Mom.’ His eyes were probing on her.
‘Yes,’ said Lee, ‘well, he’s been a good friend for a long time.’
‘But he’s not the friend who was more successful than Dad?’
‘What? Oh, good gracious no.’
‘I just wondered.’
‘And day to day problems, you just go to Amy.’
‘But,’ he said, and tears filled his eyes and spilled down his cheeks, ‘it’s the day to day problems I’ll need you for.’
And then Lee started to cry too, and he climbed right up on the bed beside her, and lay clinging to her, sobbing, sounding as if he was three years old.
They stayed there for a long time. And then she said, finally, exhausted, drained of strength and emotion, trying desperately, helplessly to comfort him, to give him something he could take away with him, ‘Miles, my darling, stop, stop crying, this isn’t going to do anything, anything at all for either of us.’
‘Oh, but it is,’ he said, nestling his blond head further on to her pillow, ‘I can remember it for always.’
She died early next morning, her sheets still crumpled from where he had lain.
Chapter Eight
London and France, 1972
THINGS WERE DEFINITELY getting better. Roz felt life was beginning to go her way.
In the first place she had escaped from Cheltenham, and was spending her two sixth-form years at Bedales: co-educational, progressive, civilized. It suited her well; there was scope for her fiercely individual mind, her rather puritan approach to her work, her disregard for the normal social conventions required of a girl of her age.
‘The worst thing about Cheltenham,’ she said to Letitia, one of the few people she trusted enough to talk to, ‘was that if you weren’t like the others, all giggly and jolly and gossipy and mad on games, it was hopeless, you were just all alone in the world, but if you didn’t want to be alone, you had to pretend to be like them. Pretending was worse than being alone, though,’ she added.
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