“Can you stay here with him for a while?” Mommy asked. “If I don’t get out of here, I’m literally going to go crazy.”
“OK,” Mimi said. “But do you think that’s a good idea—in your state? Can you at least tell me where you will be? So I know?”
“I don’t know yet, Mom.” Mommy came walking out of the kitchen fast, and she stopped when she saw me sitting on the steps. Her face was all red from crying.
“I’ll be…I’ll come back in a little while, OK, Zach?” she said to me, and then she grabbed the car keys from the table and started to walk backward, away from me. She opened the door to the garage and disappeared through it. I heard the garage door open, and Mommy’s car started and drove out of the garage. The garage door closed again and Mommy was gone. It was quiet, and it was like Mommy ran away from home.
[ 31 ]
Sharing Space
I PUT THE NEW BATTERIES in Buzz and flipped the switch on. Buzz made a bright light circle again. I looked through my book pile for Magic Tree House #39, Dark Day in the Deep Sea. On the back it said Jack and Annie were going to find the third secret of happiness to save Merlin, but then the Magic Tree House lands on a tiny island in the ocean. I wanted to know what was going to happen to them on the island, and how they were going to get off it, and also what the third secret of happiness was, so I started to read.
I was on page thirty when the door to the hideout opened a little from the outside and let some light in. I jumped because I didn’t expect it.
“Zach?” It was Daddy, and that was a surprise because I didn’t know Daddy came home. I didn’t think it was even dinnertime yet. “Would it be OK for me to come in there with you for a bit?”
I flashed the Buzz light circle all around the hideout. Daddy was going to see all of this—the feelings pages and the picture of me and Andy and everything else. Maybe he saw it before when he found me when I had my bad dream about shooting Andy with my arrow, but I didn’t think so. Also we didn’t talk about the hideout again after he found me in it, so I thought maybe he forgot all about it.
I thought that it was going to make me embarrassed to show him my hideout. But maybe it was going to be good, too, if it wasn’t a secret anymore.
“OK,” I told Daddy, and the door opened all the way and Daddy came in and closed the door behind him. He couldn’t walk in like me because he was too tall, so he crawled in on his hands and knees all the way to the back to where I was.
“Boy, this is tight,” he said when he sat down on the sleeping bag. Then he started to look around and his eyes stopped on the picture of me and Andy, and he pushed a big breath out of his mouth. He leaned forward to look at the picture, and I pointed Buzz on it so he could see it better. He stared at the picture for a while and then he looked under the picture and pointed at the feelings pages. “What are those?” he asked.
“Feelings pages,” I said, and I looked at Daddy’s face to see if he was going to laugh, but he didn’t. He was making a serious face, like he was thinking about it.
“Feelings pages,” he said. “What are feelings pages?”
“They’re for the feelings inside of me. I can make the feelings separated on the papers so it’s easier and they’re not all mixed up anymore,” I told him.
“Huh. So your feelings are all mixed up?”
“Yes,” I said. “It was too complicated like that.”
“Yeah, I get that,” Daddy said. “How did you figure out what colors they’re supposed to be?”
“I don’t know. I could just feel them. The colors come attached to the feelings.”
“They do? I didn’t know that.” Daddy pointed at green and gray. “So what are those for?”
“Mad and sad.”
Daddy shook his head yes. Then he pointed at the feelings pages on the other wall. “So all of those are feelings, too? What is red for?”
“Embarrassed.”
“Embarrassed? Why embarrassed?”
“Because of the peeing,” I said, and my face started to feel hot.
“Black?”
“Scared.”
“Yellow?” It was like Daddy was giving me a quiz.
“Happy,” I said, and I looked at Daddy again to see if he thought it was bad that I made a page for happy even though Andy died and I thought that actually, now, I didn’t even want that page up there anymore.
“What’s the one with the hole in the middle for?” Daddy asked.
“For lonely,” I explained. “Lonely is see-through, so I made a hole because there’s no see-through color.”
“Lonely? Because of Andy?” Daddy made a sound in his throat.
“Well, inside my hideout I don’t feel lonely,” I said.
“No? Why not?” Daddy asked.
I didn’t know if I should tell Daddy that in here I talked to Andy and read books to him. He would probably think that was weird. “I…it’s because I pretend Andy can hear me in here,” I said, and I pointed the light circle in a corner of the closet because I didn’t want me and Daddy to see each other.
“You talk to him?” Daddy said in a quiet voice.
“Yeah,” I said back. “And I read out loud.”
Daddy wanted to find out everything at once about my hideout, and I didn’t know that was going to happen. “I mean, I know it’s not real life, because Andy is dead, and dead people can’t hear you,” I said. “So it’s stupid anyway.”
Daddy took my hand that was holding Buzz, and he put it in between us and then we weren’t talking in the dark anymore, and that made it harder, because he could see my red face.
“I don’t think it’s stupid,” Daddy said.
“It makes me feel good when I say stuff to him, that’s all.” I put my shoulders up and down.
“So why did you include lonely on your feelings pages?” Daddy asked.
“That’s for the lonely feeling outside of my hideout.”
“Outside of your hideout you feel lonely?”
I put my shoulders up and down again. “Sometimes.”
For a little while we didn’t talk about anything else. We just sat in the hideout and were quiet together, and I liked that.
“Daddy?” I said after a while.
“Yes, bud?”
“I think I should add one for sorry.”
“Add one what?”
“A feelings page.”
“For sorry? Why?”
“Because I acted bad and I made Mommy upset. And it’s my fault that she ran away from home. I’m sorry that I did that. I want her to come home so I can tell her sorry.” Tears came in my eyes.
Daddy looked at me, and then he put his hands on both of my arms and squeezed them in a gentle way. “Zach, listen to me, bud,” he said. His voice sounded like something was stuck in his throat. “It’s not your fault Mommy is upset. Do you hear me?”
Tears started to spill over on my face.
“She didn’t run away from home. She…had to get away for a little while. She’ll be home later, OK?” Daddy said, and then he put his forehead against my forehead and he pushed out a big breath. I could feel it on my face, but it didn’t bother me. “None of this is your fault.”
“OK, but, Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“I still have a sorry feeling sometimes, and it’s about Andy. I feel like I want to say sorry to Andy.”
“Why do you want to say sorry to Andy, bud?” Daddy pulled his forehead away from mine to look at me. Now more tears were coming out of my eyes, and I wiped them off with my hands, and that made the Buzz light circle bounce all around the hideout.
“When the gunman was at the school, I didn’t even think about him,” I told Daddy. “When we were hiding in the closet and we could hear the POP sounds, and then the police came and we walked in the hallway and I could see some of the h
allway with the blood, and then we went to the church…the whole time I didn’t even think about Andy.” Big crying sounds were coming from my throat now and it was hard to talk, but I wanted to tell this to Daddy. “I only thought about him when Mommy came and asked me where he was.”
“Oh my God, Zach,” Daddy said. He grabbed me under my armpits and pulled me over on his lap. “You do not have to feel sorry about that. You were scared. You’re only a child, you’re only six!”
“I’m not finished yet about why I’m sorry about Andy,” I said. “And the other thing is really bad.”
“Tell me,” Daddy said into the hair on the top of my head.
“After Andy got killed from the gunman, at first I was feeling happy sometimes. I mean not like super happy, but I remembered all the bad things he always did, and I thought it was going to be better without him here. I thought the fighting would be gone, and Andy couldn’t be mean to me anymore. That’s what I thought, and that’s why I was kind of happy that he wasn’t here anymore.”
I waited for Daddy to say something, but he was quiet. I could feel his chest going up and down, and when his breath came out it made my head warm.
“That’s bad, right?” I asked Daddy.
“No. It’s not bad,” Daddy said in a quiet voice. “Do you still feel happy about that?”
“No. Because it’s not what happened. It didn’t get better. And—he didn’t only do bad things. Now I have good memories, too. I don’t want Andy to be gone forever.”
After a while Daddy started to shift around and said, “Gets hot in here, huh?”
“Yeah,” I said. “But it’s cozy. I like it in here.”
“Me too,” Daddy said. “I know it’s your special, secret space. But maybe I could come visit you sometimes?”
“OK,” I said.
[ 32 ]
Wild Rampage
WHEN I WENT TO BED, Mommy didn’t come home yet, and I lay on the mattress and told this to myself: “I’m not going to get mad tomorrow. I’m going to behave tomorrow.” I said it a lot of times so I wouldn’t forget about it when I was asleep, and so I would still remember it the next day when I woke up.
And I did remember the next day. I did good until dinnertime, but then I forgot. I forgot because Mommy told me she was leaving again tomorrow, and she just got back from running away. Right away the mad feeling jumped on me. Mommy told me she was going to New York City to do more interviews and they were going to start really early in the morning, so she had to leave tomorrow before I was even waking up. She was going to sleep at a hotel in the city, because all day long she was doing the interviews, and the next morning early, too.
We were sitting at the counter in the kitchen, like we always do now for dinner. No more dinner at the table, like before Andy died, and no more setting the table before dinner. Mommy only puts down the plates and forks and knives on the counter and that’s it. We were having meatloaf that Aunt Mary brought yesterday, and it was yummy, except only I was eating it. Not Mommy, her plate was still full.
“Why do you have to do more stupid interviews?” I asked when Mommy told me that she was going to New York City. I pushed my plate away hard and it bumped into my milk and it spilled a little.
“I…it’s important that people hear our story,” Mommy talked extra slow and quiet like she was talking to a stupid person. I could tell, and that made my mad feeling get worse.
“Why?” I asked in a loud voice, almost like yelling.
“Why? Because something terrible happened to your brother. And to us. And it wasn’t our fault, it was…someone else’s fault. It’s important that we talk about that. Do you understand?”
I could feel hot tears on my face, and I didn’t feel like answering. “It was Charlie’s son’s fault,” I said after a while, and I felt mad all over about Charlie’s son.
“Yes, but he was a kid, too. It…it’s complicated, OK?” Mommy looked over at the clock on the microwave and stood up and took her plate that was still full to the sink.
“Why did he even do that to Andy and the other people? Why did he kill them?” I asked.
“He was not…normal. In the head,” she said. “So it wasn’t just his fault. It was…he wasn’t taken care of properly.”
“So when Charlie and his wife came here, that’s why you got mad and talked mean to them,” I said.
“I didn’t talk—,” Mommy started to say, but then she put her shoulders up and down and turned back around to wash the dishes.
“But I want you to stay here!” I told Mommy, and more hot tears spilled out. “Who’s going to take care of me when you’re in the city and Daddy’s at work?”
“Zach, I’ll only be gone for two sleeps, OK? And Mimi will be here with you. You guys can do some of the homework together that she picked up for you. And you can play and…read. Mimi can read with you. Doesn’t that sound like fun?”
“No, I don’t want you to be gone at bedtime. I want you to tuck me in, and you have to sing me our song. This whole time you’re not even singing our song anymore, and it’s not good for me to go to sleep like that,” I said.
“Mimi can sing the song. Or you know what? You guys can call me at bedtime and we can sing it on the phone. How’s that?” Mommy asked.
“Not good! I want you to stay here!” I yelled. I got up from the barstool fast and it fell over with a loud BANG!
All of a sudden Mommy was next to me, and it surprised me. She grabbed my arm and pulled it up hard. Her fingernails were digging into my skin, and it hurt a lot. Mommy put her face close to my face and talked right in my ear with her teeth together, sounding very mad. “Listen, Zach, I’m not doing this with you right now. I explained to you why it’s important that I go, and that’s the end of it. Do you understand?” She pulled my arm up more when she talked, and I got a hot feeling in my belly from how Mommy talked to me and she never talked to me like this before.
“Yes,” I said, and my voice came out squeaky.
“Good,” Mommy said, and she threw my arm down. “OK, look. I have to go pack. The car is picking me up very early tomorrow.” She didn’t say the words with her teeth together anymore, but she still sounded mad. “Here, let’s turn the TV on for you. And your father should be home from work soon.”
I followed Mommy into the family room and she turned on the TV. She gave me the remote and looked at me like she was going to say something else, but then she turned around and I heard her go upstairs. I sat down on the couch and looked at my arm, and I could see red and purple lines from where Mommy put her fingernails in my skin. Four lines on the back of my arm and one line in the front from the thumb. It still hurt a lot. I got back up and went in the kitchen to get my Iron Man ice pack from the freezer. The whole time more tears were coming on my face, and I wiped them off with the other arm that wasn’t hurting.
I noticed the barstool was still lying on the floor, so I went to pick it up and pushed it back in to the counter. Then I put my plate in the sink, and it was still full, but I didn’t want to eat anymore. I cleaned up my milk spill from the counter. The hot feeling in my belly started to go away. And the tears stopped, too. In the family room, I picked out PAW Patrol on demand. It’s a baby show, but I started to like it again.
After a while, after the first PAW Patrol was almost over, Daddy came in the family room and said, “Hey, bud,” and gave me a kiss on the top of my head. “Where’s Mommy?”
“Upstairs packing,” I said.
“What happened there?” Daddy pointed at my arm.
I didn’t want Daddy to know I made Mommy upset again, so I said, “I just got a scratch.”
Daddy made lines on his forehead.
“Can I watch another one?”
“OK, yeah, sure. I’m going to find Mommy upstairs, OK?”
“OK,” I said. “But, Daddy?”
Daddy
stopped in the doorway to the kitchen. “Yes, buddy?”
“Do you sometimes wish that I died? I mean, instead of Andy? That Andy could still be here and not me?” I started to feel tears come back in my eyes.
Daddy stared at me for a second and he opened his mouth a couple times, but no words came out, like he had to do a couple tries first before he could start talking. He walked back to me slowly and pulled me up so I was standing on the couch and we had almost the same tallness.
“No, Zach,” he said, and his voice sounded like something was stuck in his throat. “No,” he said again. “Why…why would you say such a thing? I would never…wish that you died.”
“Does Mommy, do you think?” I asked, and tears started to spill over on my face when I thought about how she talked to me earlier in the kitchen.
“No, Mommy wouldn’t ever wish that either,” Daddy said. He lifted up my chin and wiped the tears off my face. “Did you hear me? Did you hear what I said?”
I shook my head yes.
“OK,” Daddy said, and he gave me a hug. Then I sat back down on the couch, and Daddy stayed standing behind me for a while. He put his hand through my hair a few times and then he left to go upstairs.
I turned on PAW Patrol, “The New Pup,” and I like this one because Ryder surprises the pups with the snow patroller, and that’s a cool lookout truck on wheels. They also meet a new pup, her name is Everest, and she becomes part of the PAW Patrol. I watched that whole show, and I was about to start another one, but I saw on the cable box clock that it was 8:30 and that was late. I wanted to go see what Mommy and Daddy were doing and why they weren’t getting me for bedtime.
When I walked up the stairs, I heard their voices, Mommy’s and Daddy’s, and I knew right away there was fighting again. The door to their room was closed, but I could hear the fighting through the door. I walked over to the door very quiet so there was no squeaking in the floor. I sat down in front of the door and leaned my back against the wall.
“All I’m saying is that this is our family’s private issue, and we shouldn’t constantly display it for the whole world to see! Can’t we give it some time?” I heard Daddy say.
Only Child: A novel Page 17