“Were they happy they got me?”
“Are you kidding? They were over the moon. You were their special surprise,” Aunt Mary said.
“Because they thought they were only going to have Andy,” I said. Mommy told me that story a lot of times, that they had Andy as their first baby, and then the doctor told them that probably he was going to be their only baby because something happened in Mommy’s body. But then they had me and it was a big surprise.
“You made the family complete,” Aunt Mary said, and she gave me a kiss on top of my head.
We watched Night at the Museum 3, and that’s one of my favorite movies. Aunt Mary didn’t see it yet, and she was laughing really loud. It was funny to watch her, and it helped with the lump in my throat. Aunt Mary took a bunch of pretzels and put them in her mouth, and when something was funny, like when the bad guy’s nose starts melting and it dangles off his face and he doesn’t even notice, she started laughing and pretzel bits came flying out of her mouth and her long earrings jumped up and down.
After the movie, Aunt Mary started to take the pillows off the couch to make a bed for me.
“Aunt Mary?” I said.
“Yes, bud?”
“I think I’m going to be scared here on the couch by myself.”
Aunt Mary stopped taking the pillows off and looked at me. “Oh. Right.”
“I think I want to go home now,” I said.
Aunt Mary came over and got down on her knees in front of me and gave me a hug. She smelled good, like cookies or something. “I know, monkey. But…not tonight, OK? Tonight it would be better if you stayed with me, all right? How can we make you not scared?”
“Maybe I could sleep in your bed?”
“Well, why not! I’ve been sleeping alone for way too long now as it is,” Aunt Mary said, and she got me my own pillow and blanket and put them on her bed next to hers. Her bed wasn’t big like Mommy and Daddy’s, it was small, but it looked comfy.
“Aunt Mary?”
“Yes?”
“I…I sometimes…in the middle of the night I get bad dreams. About the gunman and stuff. And…sometimes I have accidents.” I could feel my whole face starting to get hot when I told her.
“Oh,” Aunt Mary said. “Well, that happens to the best of us, doesn’t it? Here, I have an idea. Don’t you worry now.” She got a big towel out of her closet and put it under the sheet on her bed. “There. No big deal.”
I changed into my PJs, and when I took my pants off, Miss Russell’s angel wing charm fell out of my pocket. When I was getting ready for my sleepover, earlier, after the policeman left and Mommy didn’t stop laughing for a long time, I went in my hideout fast and got out Clancy and the charm because I wanted to bring them with me to Aunt Mary’s house. Now I picked up the charm from the floor and I put it on the little table next to Aunt Mary’s bed.
“What you got there?” Aunt Mary asked.
“It’s a charm that Miss Russell gave me, my teacher,” I told her.
“Can I see it?” Aunt Mary asked, so I gave it to her to look at.
“It’s beautiful,” Aunt Mary said.
“It means love and protection,” I explained. “She got it from her grandma, and it helped her when she got sad, because she remembered that her grandma was still looking out for her even though she’s dead now.”
“And she gave it to you after Andy died?” Aunt Mary asked, and I shook my head yes. “Well, that was very thoughtful of her. I really love it,” Aunt Mary said, and she handed the charm back to me.
Aunt Mary went to bed at the same time as me and at first it was weird that I was lying down so close to her in the small bed, but then I liked it. Lights from the street were coming in so it wasn’t too dark, and Aunt Mary told me some funny stories about Uncle Chip, and we both had to laugh a lot.
“Your uncle was a nut,” Aunt Mary said.
“Do you miss him a lot?” I asked.
“Oh, Zach, I can’t even tell you how much I miss that crazy man. Every day. But I know he’s up there cracking his jokes and mixing things up.” Her voice sounded sad, but like she was smiling, too.
“And taking care of Andy,” I said.
“And taking care of Andy.”
“Do you know our good-night song?” I asked.
“The one Mimi made up?” Aunt Mary asked.
“Yes,” I answered.
“Of course, I love that song! How does your mom sing it again?”
I told her, and then we sang it together a few times, with my name and hers in it.
[ 40 ]
Moving Away
AFTER TWO SLEEPS at Aunt Mary’s house, Daddy came over. He sat down on Aunt Mary’s couch, and he was like a different person. His whole self looked very tired. His clothes looked messy, and his hair, and he didn’t shave again.
He looked so different, it made me feel shy around him. I stood by the coffee table and looked at my feet, because I didn’t want to look at Daddy’s new self.
“Come sit by me,” Daddy said, and his voice sounded scratchy. He patted his hand on the couch next to him. I went over and I sat down and I noticed that Daddy smelled a little bad. I left a space in between us. Daddy looked at the space and then he looked at my face.
“Are you having a good time at Aunt Mary’s?” Daddy asked.
I looked at Aunt Mary. She was standing in the tiny kitchen, and she gave me a little smile.
“Yes,” I said.
“I’m going to give you two some time,” Aunt Mary said, and went in her bedroom. I didn’t want her to do that. I wanted her to stay.
“Buddy, I…I have to talk to you about something,” Daddy said, and his knee from the right leg went up and down fast a million times.
I could tell it wasn’t something good he was going to talk about. It was going to be bad. My stomach started to hurt.
“It’s…when you come back home, when your sleepover with Aunt Mary is finished, tomorrow maybe, so when you come home, I’m not going to be there.” Daddy talked fast, and the words were coming out stumbly.
“Where are you going to be, at work?” I asked, and I didn’t know why he came to tell me that, because he always goes to work.
“No. I mean, yes, during the day I will be at work, but I’m not coming home after work either. I’m not going to be…at the house for a while.” Daddy’s knee was going up and down very fast. It made me dizzy to watch it and it bothered me, and I wanted to tell him to stop moving his leg like that.
“Why not?” I asked.
“Your mother…Mommy and I decided that it would be better if…if I don’t live with you for the time being,” Daddy said. The whole time he didn’t look at me, but he stared at his own jiggly leg. I wondered if he wanted it to stop moving, too, but maybe he couldn’t figure out how to make it stop.
“You’re not going to live with us anymore?” I asked. The hurting in my stomach got so bad that it made tears get into my eyes.
“No. At least not for now,” Daddy said.
“Ouch.” I grabbed my belly with both of my hands and tried to squeeze the hurting with them.
“I’m so sorry, buddy. I know that must be confusing for you,” Daddy said. He looked at me holding my belly, and he scooched closer and put his arm around me.
“No!” I said, kind of loud. I felt the mad feeling pounce on me, and it made me jump off the couch. “Why are you not going to live at home with me and Mommy anymore? Why would it be better? That is not better!”
Daddy tried to hold my hand, but I pulled it away hard. My whole body was shaking from the mad feeling, and I was hot and tight all over.
“I know you’re upset…,” Daddy started to say.
“It’s because of the thunderstorms, isn’t it?” I yelled.
“Thunderstorms? I’m not sure I…What do you mean?�
� Daddy asked.
“All the fighting between you and Mommy, all the thunderstorms you’re making all the time.”
Daddy stared at me, and he said in a quiet voice, “Yes. Yes, that is why.”
“Then why do you have to fight all the time? Why don’t you just stop it?” I yelled. Hot, mad tears were all over my face now.
“It’s not…that easy,” Daddy said.
“It’s because Mommy got poked with a stick like the snake,” I said. “And now she’s doing all the stupid interviews, and she’s not even nice anymore. I hate her! I hate her and I hate you!” I said that I hated Mommy and Daddy a lot of times. I yelled it out loud, and it made me feel better a little. Daddy’s face looked very sad, and that made me feel better, too.
I never said “I hate you” to anyone before. Andy used to say it to Mommy all the time, and Daddy sometimes, and I could see it hurt their feelings a lot, especially Mommy. I got mad at Andy for doing that, and now I did it and now I know why Andy used to do it. It felt good.
Daddy tried to hold my hand again and he tried to pull me closer to him. He was still sitting on the couch and I was standing up, so we had almost the same tallness. Daddy used both of his hands to wipe the tears off my face. New ones came out, and he wiped them off. New ones came out again, and he wiped them off again. We did that for a while.
“It’s not only the interviews and all that,” Daddy said. “It’s…Mommy and I have to figure some things out, and we can’t do that while we live together. I’m not going to be far. You’re still going to see me all the time, I promise.”
My mad feeling started to go away a little, and then of course the sad feeling came, like always. “I want to go with you. I don’t want to stay home with just Mommy. I want you!”
Daddy let out a long breath and it touched my face and it didn’t smell good. His breath smelled old. I took a step back and moved my head to the side to get some fresh air.
“That’s not going to work, buddy,” Daddy said.
“Why not?” I asked.
“I still have to go to work and…Mommy…we decided this would be the best for everyone right now.” Daddy’s words were stumbly again.
“You don’t want me. I shared my space with you, in my hideout. I let you come in there with me, and now you’re leaving. You don’t even want to stay with me!” I shouted.
“That’s not true,” Daddy said. “I love you very much. I’m…so so sorry.” Daddy tried to hug me, and his beard hurt my face.
I tried to get out of the hug, but Daddy was holding me tight and it hurt my back. I said in a loud voice, “Let go of me!”
“For Christ’s sake, I said I was sorry!” Daddy yelled, and he pushed me away. I had to sit down hard on the coffee table. Daddy stood up and now I was sitting and he was standing and we did not have the same tallness anymore.
Aunt Mary came out of the bedroom and looked at Daddy in a mad way. “All right, I think that’s quite enough,” she said, and I never heard Aunt Mary say something in a mad way before. Her and Daddy stared at each other, and then Daddy took a step back and sat back down on the couch.
“I have to go, Zach,” he said, and his voice wasn’t loud anymore. It sounded tired and slow. “Can you look at me?” But I didn’t. “I’m very sorry you’re so…upset. I’m going to see you very soon. OK?” I didn’t say anything back and it was quiet for a little while.
“OK, I’m going then….” Daddy got up and walked to the door. My eyes wanted to follow him, but I didn’t let them. I heard the door open. “Bye, Zach,” Daddy said, and I still didn’t say anything and I still didn’t look over, and that was really hard to do. Then I heard the click from when the door closed. I sat still for a little while longer, but then all of a sudden I didn’t want Daddy to leave after all. I jumped up and I ran to the door and yelled, “Wait, Daddy, wait!” But the hallway was empty and Daddy was gone.
[ 41 ]
Stupid Soup
AUNT MARY TOOK ME back home in her car, and when she parked in front of our house, I had a feeling like I didn’t want to go home again. I didn’t want to be home with only Mommy there, and Daddy wasn’t going to come home after work.
“I want to stay at your house and have more sleepovers with you,” I told Aunt Mary when she started to get out of the car.
Aunt Mary kept her car door opened, but she turned around and looked at me. “I know, monkey, and you definitely can, soon. But not today, OK? Your mom’s inside waiting for you, so let’s get you inside, all right?” I still didn’t want to go in, but Aunt Mary got out of the car and went around to open my car door. She held her hand out and I took it. She didn’t let go of my hand all the way to the front door.
Before we even pressed the doorbell button, the door opened up and Mommy came out. She looked very tired, like how Daddy looked when he came to Aunt Mary’s apartment yesterday. She did a sad smile when she looked at me, and she opened her arms for a hug, so I went one step to her and Mommy hugged me, but I was still holding on to Aunt Mary’s hand. I didn’t want to let go of her hand.
“Thank you, Mary,” Mommy said, and then Aunt Mary let go of my hand.
“All right. You’re welcome,” Aunt Mary said, and she started to walk down the porch steps and to the walkway to go back to her car, but then she turned back around. “Hey, Zach, you can call me, OK? Give me a call if…when you feel like it, all right?” Then she got in her car and left. My throat started to hurt and tears came in my eyes.
“OK, sweetie, I’m glad you’re home. I was lonely without you,” Mommy said. “I made you dinner. Turkey soup with noodles, from the leftovers. You liked that last year, remember?” I didn’t say anything because of my throat. “Let’s go inside. It’s freezing out here,” Mommy said.
We sat down in the kitchen with our bowls, and the soup smelled yummy, but I didn’t eat it. Mommy rubbed my back with her hand. “Come on, Zach, eat your soup. It’s really good.”
I picked up my spoon and I moved the turkey bits around with it, but I still didn’t take a bite.
“I know this is all confusing for you, buddy. It’s all…complicated now. Right?” Mommy asked, and she kept rubbing my back. It felt good and tears came back in my eyes. “Hey, listen, I want to talk to you about something. Remember when we talked about Dr. Byrne and that it might be a good idea for you to talk to him?” Mommy said.
I sat up straight when she said that. “But you said we don’t have to decide it right now. I said sorry,” I said, and my voice came out squeaky, probably from my throat hurting so badly.
“Sweetie, please try not to get so worked up about this. You’ve had a lot…you’ve been through a lot. I think that…Dr. Byrne could really help you, talking about your feelings….That’s a good thing,” Mommy said.
“NO!” I said, and now my voice came out louder and not so squeaky anymore. “I don’t want to go there. I want to…When is Daddy coming home?”
“He’s not…coming home for now. He explained that to you, right?” Mommy asked, and she smiled at me, but it looked like a fake smile a little. Her voice sounded different from her regular voice, too, like it was fake friendly.
“Yes,” I said.
“Good. OK. You will still see him. He will come…pick you up on Friday, so you can do something fun…or something. OK?”
But it wasn’t OK, and I didn’t want to wait until Friday to see Daddy and that was going to be five more days. I didn’t want to be home for five days with just Mommy.
“I want to go stay with Daddy,” I told Mommy, and her fake smile went away. “I want to stay with Daddy and then you can pick me up on Friday.”
Mommy looked at me and her eyes got small. “Zach, I know you’re upset right now. I’m upset, too, and this is not my…It’s not how I want things to be either. But I’m trying to help you here, I’m trying to…I’m taking you to see Dr. Byrne, and t
hat’s only to help you. OK? Can you eat your soup, please? It’s good, and it was a lot of work for Mommy to make it for you. So can you eat it, please?”
“I don’t want to eat stupid soup!” I yelled.
Mommy got up fast and grabbed my bowl and hers, and she threw them in the sink. It made a loud crashing sound like the bowls got broken. Mommy turned around and leaned against the sink and closed her eyes. I looked at her. I didn’t know why she was standing there with her eyes closed like that, but then she opened them back up and looked at me.
“Fine. That’s fine. No soup, then,” she said with a quiet voice. “Listen, Zach. I’m sorry you’re so upset, I really am. But we have to try to make this work here, you and me. I can’t have you get so mad at me all the time, do you understand that? And I’ve made an appointment with Dr. Byrne for you for tomorrow. He’s very nice, you’ll see. You’ll like him, OK?”
“Can I go upstairs?” I asked. Mommy didn’t say anything. She only put her shoulders up and down and her face looked very tired. So I went upstairs and right in my hideout, and I switched Buzz on. Then I remembered that I left Miss Russell’s charm and Clancy downstairs in the bag I had at Aunt Mary’s, but I didn’t want to go back down to get them and see Mommy again. So I started chewing on the corner of Andy’s sleeping bag instead of Clancy’s ear. I did hard bites and my teeth made clicking sounds. I did it so hard because I didn’t want to start crying again.
[ 42 ]
Alone at Last
There were four in the bed
And the little one said,
“Roll over! Roll over!”
So they all rolled over and one fell out.
There were three in the bed
And the little one said,
“Roll over! Roll over!”
So they all rolled over and one fell out.
There were two in the bed
And the little one said,
“Roll over! Roll over!”
Only Child: A novel Page 22