She nodded. “I knew Jackson had money, power, and support. He’d take care of you until I could get my head together. But that never happened. And then when I met Michael, he was so kind and loving. He took care of me. Worshiped me.” She sob-hiccupped. “At first, we were both wacky and different, and I liked that about us. It was us against the world. And then on a whim, in one of my manic moments, we got married in a Vegas chapel. Not long after we married, I got pregnant with Mia. And well…you know the rest.” She sniffed and blotted her tears.
“How come you never contacted us?” Maddy asked, her voice small and sad.
“Oh, baby, I wanted to. Every day. But I was afraid. Afraid of what you’d say. Afraid of what Michael would say. Afraid of going to jail. And then I was afraid I’d lose Kent. The one man that saw what was wrong and got me help.”
“So you didn’t know about us?” I asked Kent.
He shook his head. “No. Meryl broke down when she saw you on the Dr. Hoffman show that first time. Then it all came pouring out. The entire truth. Eventually, I contacted the show. Told them I was your stepfather, and that I knew where your long lost mother was and wanted to reconnect the family.”
I sighed, letting all the air leave my lungs. Fucking Shandi. We could have been made aware of this bomb well in advance. I could not wait to get my hands around her spindly little neck.
“What do you hope to get out of this?” I asked coolly, my eyes laser-focused on the broken woman across from me. Unfortunately, the beast inside me didn’t give a shit that she was hurting. The three of us had been hurting for years while she lived in a wooded forest, happily painting the landscape and whittling away her days as a painter and housewife with no responsibilities. But she’d had responsibilities. One’s she skirted from the very beginning.
She ran her hand up and down her thigh. “Um…I hadn’t really thought that far ahead. I was mostly concerned about lifting this weight that’s been sitting on my chest for fifteen years. And I swear I had no idea about your paternity, Madison. I drank a lot during those days. To numb the pain. Jackson would come to town on business and often tried to get me to go back to Texas, but I refused. Told him I’d married someone else. Had Mia. He liked Mia.” She smiled softly at me. “The times he visited were a blur of liquor-induced highs and lows. I barely remember anything.”
Maddy nodded and played with her engagement ring, spinning it around and around her finger.
“I guess I should have known though. Seeing the two of you together…it’s incredible how much you look like Jackson. He’d have been so proud to have known you, Madison.”
Maddy nodded, and then her shoulders quaked. Max pulled her into his arms, where she buried her head and cried.
I hooked a thumb toward them. “Do you see this?”
Meryl’s frightened eyes widened.
“That’s what you’ve left behind. I’m not sure how we can come back from what happened…to all of us.”
Meryl licked her lips and then bit down on her bottom one. “I see that. I guess my greatest hope is that we could start over. I know I’ll never be the mother you wanted or the one you deserved, but I am your mother, and I’d like to try and get to know you. If you’ll let me.”
I shrugged, not sure how to respond. I’d hated her for so long and held such a grudge against her for abandoning us it was hard to just accept this new information and wipe the slate clean. I got that she had a mental illness. Logically I understood that a lot of what she’d done wasn’t her fault. That didn’t change that there were years and years of hurt to break through before I’d be able find the compassion within me to have a relationship with her again.
Max’s voice was rough and grated like rocks over concrete. “As far as I’m concerned, I’d like to try.”
Meryl blinked and smiled.
Of course, he did. Max was the epitome of the family man. Family meant everything to him and he was quick to forgive, even quicker to love. It was his greatest gift and his most vulnerable flaw. I wished I were more like him.
“My wife, Cyndi, and I have two children. Isabel is five and Jackson is just over two months. It would be nice for them to get to know their grandmother.”
Meryl lifted her hands to her lips. The tears, like a faucet, had been turned on once again. “Grandchildren. Oh, my heavens, Kent, we have grandchildren!” she said with exuberance, happiness coating every word. Max’s chest puffed out with obvious pride.
I closed my eyes and waited, and I heard Maddy’s shaky voice answer. “Me too. I’d like to try. But it will be hard. I don’t really know you. And, uh, my fiancé and I live in Las Vegas. Mia is in Malibu, and Max is in Texas.”
Meryl’s voice shook with hope as she responded. “That’s okay. We can start with phone calls and emails. Then maybe Kent and I can come out. My gallery is doing well. I have money saved I could use to fly out.”
Kent rubbed her shoulders. “You want to see your kids and grandchildren, Meryl, I have no problem flying you there. We’ve got all the time in the world to make amends, honey.”
Ugh. I wanted to dislike them both. Kent was proving to be a kind, supportive, and patient man. He’d make an excellent grandfather to Max’s children.
At that point, all eyes were on me. I closed mine, not wanting to be judged for my feelings. I’d had years to love her and even more years to miss her…and eventually hate her.
“Mia?” Our mother asked. “And you? Is there any part of you left that misses me, wishes things could be different?” Her voice cracked and more sobs ensued.
My hands were curled into fists, my nails digging into the soft flesh of my palms. “I missed you every day for years. Every time a boy hurt me, I missed my mother. Each day that Dad forgot to provide a meal, I missed my mother. Every drink Pops sucked down his gullet that landed him in a drunken oblivion, I missed my mother. All those years of hardship. I had to be my father’s caretaker and Maddy’s mother and sister. Because of you, I stole, went without food more times than I can count, and lied to every school counselor and medical professional about the status of our lives.”
Meryl gasped. “I’m so, so sorry…”
“I’m sure you are. And I’m sorry I had to steal when I was barely a teenager. I’m sorry I had to wash our clothes in the sink with dish soap at twelve. I’m sorry that my sister and I never had a real Christmas, or birthdays where our mother spoiled her little girls like all of our friends growing up. But most of all, Mother”—I spat the word through clenched teeth—“I’m sorry that we weren’t enough for you to get help. That Pops wasn’t man enough to take charge and help you. Not only for you and him, but also for us. Maddy and me. I can’t even begin to address what a mind fuck it was finding out I had a brother five years older than I was. Twenty-five years, Mother!” I grated through clenched teeth. “Twenty-five years I could have had Max. Do you have any idea how enriched our lives would have been had we known he existed? He’s now everything to us! And you…you kept him from us. Mental illness or not. You knew you had a son and didn’t breathe a word of it. For that alone, I don’t know if I can ever forgive you, or whether I have room in my heart right now. Maybe in the future, but definitely not today.”
On that note, I stood. My entire body was trembling. “I’ll be in the car,” I said to Max who had already stood along with Maddy. He was probably planning to hold me back from striking her again. I wanted to. Oh, how I wanted to, but it wouldn’t ease the ache in my heart. Wouldn’t mend the gaping hole that she’d put there all those years ago. Only time would heal these wounds.
“I’m sorry!” Meryl wailed behind me.
I didn’t turn around. Instead, I filled in the cracks around my heart that seeing my mother had opened. I stuffed them with caulk and concrete, slathered them with plaster, and wrapped my arms around my chest in a protective cage. She would not break this wall down. Not yet.
When it came right down to it, regardless of her disease and disorder, I needed her to care more about me than her
self. Which I imagine with a severe problem like hers would be hard, but I needed people who were strong willed in my world, people who stuck their necks out for one another. Right now, I didn’t have room to help pick up the pieces of my past with a woman who’d done nothing but leave me high and dry.
* * *
Tremors racked my body as I walked silently into the cabin and right into my room. When I got there, I tugged off all my clothes except the tank and boy shorts I’d worn under my clothes. I pulled back the thick comforter and got back into bed. Gripping Wes’s pillow, I sank my face into his scent. Before I knew what was happening, a warm body plastered up against mine, and a heavy arm wrapped around my chest.
“Want to talk about it?” Wes asked.
I lifted his hand, brought his fingers to my lips and kissed each one. “Not really.”
“Wanna fuck?” he said with a hint of humor. The old Wes was coming back more and more every day. I was beyond thankful for this medical and mental miracle.
I let out a relaxed sigh. “Not really.”
He snuggled into my neck with his warm nose. “Not really. Is that going to be your answer to everything today?”
I shrugged. “Maybe.”
“Sweetheart, you have to talk about it. Tell me what’s going on in that beautiful head of yours.” To make his point, he placed his hand on my head and started massaging my scalp.
The massage was divine and exactly what I needed to help relieve some of the stress that had built up after seeing Meryl.
“I’m a bad person,” I finally admitted.
His fingers stopped momentarily on my head but then picked back up. “You are not. Tell me who put that idea in your head so I can find that person and throat punch him.”
I snickered. So protective. “Well, you wouldn’t have to go far, because that person is me.”
He ran his fingers through the entire length of my hair, fanning it over my shoulder. “Okay, then explain to me why the woman I love, the woman I adore, the woman I worship, thinks so poorly of herself?”
God, I loved him. Even in times like this, where I would normally hide out, remove myself from all personal connection, he was the one who could push through. In the car ride over, Maddy and Max had both tried to talk to me, work out what I was feeling, but I brushed them off. Actually, I was rather mean to them, telling them to leave me to my own shit and back off. Not one of my proudest moments.
I kissed his knuckles again, resting my lips against the familiar weight and skin. “Max and Maddy are both willing to let Meryl back in.”
“And that makes you a bad person because…?” He left the question for me to fill in.
“Because I don’t want to let her back in. I’m still mad as hell. I’m angrier now than I was before. I mean, I understand that she doesn’t always have control over her mind, but what about the times when she did? What about those times when she was lucid? She could have reached out, called us, checked on her children. Divorced Dad so he could move on. Her leaving left a giant hole in the Saunders household that could never be filled. And worse, I don’t know that she cares about that part. Just that we were left to fend for ourselves because of her illness, but it’s more than that.”
“It’s okay to be angry. Shit, babe, I’m angry for you. But eventually, that anger will simmer down, and then who knows?”
“And what about the fact she never told us about Maxwell? In my opinion, that’s inexcusable. If Jackson Cunningham had not put my name and information in his will, we’d never have known about Max. There would have been no happy family reunion, no niece and nephew. No ranch in Texas to have as our home away from home.”
Wes groaned into my neck and kissed me there. “I understand, and you’re right. I think she could have found a way to shed some light on this. And if she’s had medication most of her time with Kent, it means she’s been clear-headed for most of the time she’s been gone. Why didn’t she reach out then?”
That’s when I told Wes about the driving under the influence and child endangerment charges, but seriously? Do the crime, do the time. The likelihood that the State of Nevada would put a woman behind bars who was diagnosed with bipolar disorder shortly after that incident happened was slim to none. Besides that, I knew plenty of people who’s gotten DUIs who never did jail time. Sure, adding in the two children in the back seat and the endangerment charge would probably not get her time with her kids for a while, but we’d have known where she was. We’d have known about Max. Pops wouldn’t have been the washed out drunk he was. At least there was a possibility of that.
“Look, Mia, you can’t blame yourself for feeling this way. You saw more and have been put through the ringer because of the blowback directly related to her abandoning your family. You need to take some time to filter this information through this thick skull.” He rubbed at my head again, and I moaned. “Give yourself a break, yeah? You’ve had a lot to deal with. We all have these past few months.”
I nodded, turned around, and pressed my head into his T-shirt-covered chest. He smelled like glue and goldfish crackers. I inhaled more fully. “Why do you smell like a five-year-old in a kindergarten class?”
He grinned. “Cyndi, Matt, and I have been making homemade ornaments with Isabel. Would you be interested in making your first ornament for our tree?” He smiled, and I leaned forward enough to kiss that smile right off his face. It deepened momentarily, and then I pulled away.
“Making memories?” I cocked one eyebrow.
He smiled and nodded. “You’d better believe it. All good ones.”
“Will you make me some hot cocoa?” I pouted, puffing out my bottom lip. Wes couldn’t deny the pout.
Wes had recently figured out my affinity for hot cocoa with marshmallows. I’d found a box of the stuff in the cabinet when I made coffee this morning.
“I’ll make you anything that will put a smile back on your face and the Christmas spirit back into your heart.”
“I love you. You know that, right?”
He pushed back a strand of my hair.
“I’m not sure I could handle all this without your support. You make everything easier. I could take on the world as long as you’re by my side.”
He kissed me on the tip of my nose. “That’s how it should be. You think you didn’t save my ass when I came home from Indonesia?” His eyes turned a dark green, narrowing into points of focus. “Mia, God. I could have been a shoulder-biting ball of insanity had you not put yourself out there for me. The things I did to you. What you let me do…blows me away. You alone brought me back to life. I owe you everything.”
“You owe me nothing. Remember, I give, you give. As long as we’re together, we will always have what we need.” I smiled and rubbed my nose back over his. “Now, all I need is a steaming, giant cup of hot cocoa, some Christmas socks, Christmas music, a child’s laughter, and my family. You prepared to give me all that?” I challenged.
Wes moved fast, lifted me up and sat me on my bottom at the edge of the bed. He went to our dresser and pulled out some yoga pants and tossed them at me. Then he hit my crazy sock drawer and pulled out a pair of knee-high toe-socks that were green with red and white polka dots on them and the toes were brown. On the top was a pair of black eyes and at the ankle a big shiny red ball. They were not socks you could wear with shoes, but they were so much fun. Ginelle had bought them for me and told me to “Go Buck Wild with Rudolph.”
Wes helped me put the socks on and added one of his thermal long-sleeved Henleys over my tank. “Good enough to eat,” he muttered.
I piggy-snort laughed, looking down at the picture I made. How he could love such a dork, I didn’t know, but I sure was grateful. He grabbed me by the hand, and we left our room and headed into the living room.
Maddy was cuddled with Matt on the couch, watching the fire. Cyndi was playing with the baby on one side, cooing at him. Isabel was hard at work on another ornament while Max helped her. All eyes turned to me when we entered the room.
Max grinned. “Hey, Sis, wanna make an ornament? Bell has one all picked out for her Auntie Mia.”
I glanced at Maddy, and she smiled huge. “Prettiest girl in all the world,” I said, feeling choked up with pride at how much I loved her and Max for just moving on like nothing happened.
“But only when she smiles!” Isabel yelled from the table. “I know that one. Daddy says it to me!”
I walked over to Isabel, leaned down, and kissed the crown of her blond head. “He does?” I confirmed, while catching Max’s gaze.
“Yep. Picked it up from a wise woman I know,” he admitted.
Knowing that my brother was picking up things from me and sharing them with his daughter warmed my heart in all the ways I needed.
Before long, the Christmas music came on, and we were singing along to Christmas carols. Moments later, a steaming mug of hot chocolate in a soup-sized mug was set in front of me. “For my queen,” Wes winked.
“Oh, queens!” Isabel yelled. “ I have a crown for you to decorate, Auntie. Here, this one is for you, this one is for Maddy, and this one is for my mommy. We can all be queens and princesses this Christmas!” Isabel half-shrieked, half-giggled.
I grinned and picked up the small foam crown. Surrounding Isabel were glitter pens, glue, jewels, and the like. Everything a true craftsman would need to drum up some homemade Christmas cheer. The little love was in craft heaven. I, on the other hand, had not the first idea what I was supposed to do. So I sat next to my niece and had a five-year-old teach me how to make a homemade ornament.
The mom issues notwithstanding, this was already proving to be the best Christmas ever, only made better by the fact that Wes’s family would be arriving tomorrow, Christmas Eve. We’d planned a feast. Cyndi was going to rock a turkey and homemade stuffing, while I planned on going through life without the disgusting memory of putting my hands into a dead carcass. Although I loved the taste, the concept alone gave me the heebie-jeebies. I was, however, going to bust out some serious baked goods with Maddy. Between the two of us, we could bake almost anything.
Calendar Girl 12 - December Page 9