by Pamela Clare
Zahra’s gut tightened. She hadn’t even thought of that, she’d been too caught up in the news about the bombing and Gage being injured to consider such a thing. The elevator arrived and Alex and Evers stood back as Sean ushered her inside with that guiding hand low on her back. As the doors slid shut, the reality hit home that they had a traitor in their midst.
Maybe even someone in this very building.
*
It took four excruciating hours before Claire was finally left alone with Gage in his private hospital room. The entire crew had shown up after Gage was admitted, including Tom and Hunter’s girlfriend, Khalia, who was now on her way to DC for a convention. Dunphy and Zahra had shown up with Alex and Evers. Zahra had sat with her and Khalia until Mel and Claire’s parents had both arrived. They’d all waited with Claire in the waiting room while the doctors had inserted a chest tube into the side of Gage’s ribcage to re-inflate his collapsed lung and then performed a battery of tests on him.
The X-rays showed no visible fractures in his ribs or skull, although he wasn’t in the clear yet because they were still waiting on the final word about the CT scan on his brain and internal organs. Due to the concussion he’d suffered and the risk of more possible symptoms developing in the next few hours the doctors were keeping him at least overnight. And Gage wasn’t happy about it.
He shifted again on the uncomfortable hospital bed and she could tell from the disgruntled look on his face that he was feeling caged and in a lot more pain than he’d told the nursing staff. “Will you please just take some of the pain meds the nurse left you?” she pleaded, loud enough to ensure he heard her.
His gaze shifted to her, full of annoyance, his eyes even bluer with all the dark bruising around them from the concussion. The right side of his face was still raw but they’d put some antiseptic cream on him and dressed the worst of the scorched skin with a bandage. Beneath the pale blue gown he had on, his whole chest was covered in cuts and bruises. At least his breathing was back to normal. “I’ve been hurt worse than this before,” he grumbled. “It’s nothing I can’t handle and I just want out of this goddamn bed.”
He wanted out of the hospital period, but that wasn’t happening. Even if she had to tie him to that bed with restraints to keep him there. “The more you bitch and the more trouble you are, the longer they’ll keep you,” she pointed out, at the end of her tolerance for his male bullshit.
Gage glowered at her, like a kid pouting because he didn’t get his way. “This is fucking stupid.”
Stupid? Really? Sighing, she stood and walked to the window that overlooked the parking lot to get a grip on her emotions. It was dark out now, a bright half moon hanging in the clear night sky. Everything was so calm out there. Made it twice as surreal considering the hell they’d been through today. She’d come so close to losing him forever. So close. Her throat tightened.
“Claire.”
Schooling her features into a calm mask, she turned her head to look at him. “What?”
He reached out a hand, his expression contrite. “Come here.” He said it so softly, his deep voice holding that intimate tone she couldn’t refuse, let alone ignore.
Crossing to him, she sank down carefully onto the edge of the mattress close to his hip and slid her hand into his. Gage closed his fingers around hers and stroked his thumb over the back of her knuckles in a soothing gesture. “Talk to me.”
She looked up into his battered face. “About what?” What did he want her to say? She was barely holding it together as it was.
“I know you’re scared. Tell me how to make it better.”
She looked away to the window, gave a humorless laugh. “Of course I’m scared. This is everything I was always afraid of with you and it came true right in front of me today. And there was nothing I could do to help you. Not a damn thing,” she finished, her voice catching.
His grip tightened on her hand. “Hey, I’m tough, darlin’. I can take a lickin’ and keep right on tickin’.”
She didn’t find his attempt at humor amusing. Not in the slightest. It made her so angry that he wanted to joke about this. Edgy, restless, she pulled her hand free and stood, pacing back to the window.
“Bad joke,” he murmured with a sigh. “Just trying to lighten the mood.”
Claire shot him a glare over her shoulder. “It’s not funny, Gage. We still don’t know if there’s more damage—”
“There’s not. Trust me. Like I said, I’ve been laid up worse than this. I’ve busted my eardrums before, broken bones and fucked up both my knees. This is nothing.”
Jesus, she didn’t even want to think about all that happening to him. She ran a hand through her hair, searching for the right words. “You don’t understand.” He never really had, and that was the crux of the problem. “You don’t know what it was like for me today, to see you that way. God, Gage, when I saw Ellis carrying you across the street I thought you were dead. I can’t…I don’t know how to handle this on top of everything else.”
His frustrated sigh was amplified in the quiet room. “So now you’re having second thoughts about us again?”
Looking back at his damaged face, seeing the bruises and bandages in the gap where the hospital gown gaped in the center of his chest, she wanted to cry. It was hell, loving a man like him, just as she’d known it would be. But was she willing to walk away again? “No. I’m just…I’m scared,” she admitted.
He exhaled as though in relief and let his head lean back against the pillow, and she realized he’d actually been afraid she’d leave him. That she’d walk out of the hospital and out of his life, for good this time. Her chest ached that he’d thought she might. She’d hurt him so badly before.
He raised a hand again, the one without the IV line plugged into the back of it, and beckoned to her. “I know, and I get it, I do. Come back here and let me help with that.”
This time she didn’t hesitate. Her love for him was stronger than the fear and always would be. Two steps from the bed, his cell phone buzzed on the rolling table beside him. He glanced over at it distractedly then back at her, still holding out his hand, prepared to ignore it.
“You’d better check that,” she said. “Just in case.” Might be Hunter or Tom with more news. With Mostaffa dead, they were scrambling to connect the threads and find out who he’d been working for. And with the threat of a mole within the NSA itself, the stakes were high for everyone.
She wrapped her arms around her waist as Gage relented and reached for the phone to check the display. “It’s Janelle,” he said, and answered. “Hey, baby girl. You’ll have to talk real loud because I can’t hear too well right now.”
Claire stayed where she was while they talked, warmed by the obvious love he held for his daughter. It hadn’t been easy for him to repair the damage to their relationship, but he was trying, and he was sincere about the effort. Luckily Janelle sensed that and was willing to reciprocate.
After a short pause in the conversation Gage frowned and fidgeted in the bed. “Aww, come on now, don’t cry,” he said gruffly, clearly discomfited. Claire could just imagine what Janelle was saying, and she was glad. He was getting a taste of what it felt like to have someone you love be in pain and not be able to do anything about it, let alone fix it. Maybe from his daughter’s reaction he would realize just how much they loved and worried about him.
He raised his head from the pillow a long moment later and Claire could see the torment in his eyes. “Yeah, she’s right here. What? No, just repeat that last part because I didn’t catch it… Okay, hold on.” He held out the phone to her. “She wants to talk to you.”
Claire took it from him, made sure her voice was calm and steady when she spoke. “Hi, honey.”
“Claire.” The teenager’s voice cracked. “Oh my God, I couldn’t believe it when I got your message. Is he really all right? He said he couldn’t hear and that he’s fine but I know Dad, he could be dying and not admit how bad it is. So you tell me what’s really going
on because I know you won’t lie about it.”
She smiled at that. “He’s doing a lot better than he should be,” she allowed. “His eardrums ruptured but the doctors said they’ll heal and he should recover most of his hearing. The rest of him’s just really banged up and so they want to keep him at least overnight to make sure nothing else is wrong.” It was a miracle he wasn’t in critical condition as far as she was concerned. “Unfortunately for all of us, he’s being a giant pain in the ass about it.”
“I’ll bet.” Janelle took a deep, shaky breath and let it out again, obviously battling through tears. “I was so scared he was gone.”
“I know, me too. But he’s still with us.”
A sniffle. “I’m just starting to get to know him again. He’s really gonna be okay?”
“Yeah, he really is.” This time. She silenced the vicious little voice in the back of her mind with a mental slap.
“Thank God.” Janelle cleared her throat. “So are you guys…are you back together? Or what?”
Claire didn’t want to get the girl’s hopes up, but she wasn’t going to lie, either. “Yeah, we are.” And in so many ways that scared the living hell out of her. “Hope that’s okay with you.”
“Hell yeah, it’s okay,” Janelle retorted. “God, I prayed every night for weeks that you’d take him back. He was totally miserable without you. Like, for real.”
Claire studied Gage as she answered. “He was?”
“Totally,” Janelle confirmed. “And I know you really love him, so I’m glad. Dad deserves someone who makes him happy.”
Dammit, she was going to cry again. She swallowed before responding. “Thanks, honey. That means a lot to me to hear you say that.”
“Welcome. Will he be going home with you once the doctors release him? Because Mom said she’ll pay for my flight up there if I can come for a visit. Please? I really want to see him.”
“We’d both love to see you too, but I don’t really know where we’re going after this.” She certainly couldn’t go back to her place now that the team’s safe house had been destroyed. They were all going to have to go off the grid for a while. “Wherever it is, I’ll let you know, okay? I have a feeling I’ll need the backup. He’s not a very good patient.”
“I know, he’s the worst! Can I talk to him again? I wanna say goodnight.”
“Of course you can. See you later, honey.”
“Bye, Claire. Thanks for taking care of him for me.”
Her heart turned over at the wistful note in Janelle’s voice, the little girl longing for her father and wanting to help take care of him. “You don’t ever have to thank me for that.”
“Well, I still want to. Give him a hug from me.”
“Will do. Here he is.”
To her surprise Gage’s eyes held a sheen of tears as he took the phone back. He blinked fast and his voice was rough as he continued his conversation with his daughter. When he finished and set the phone aside he expelled a long breath and winced, putting a hand to the spot where they’d shoved the catheter between his ribs. “Damn, I hate that she was so upset. Both of you.”
Claire eased down beside him again and leaned down to gently wrap her arms around his wide shoulders, resting her head beside his on the pillow. She closed her eyes when he slid his arms around her back to return the embrace. “This is from Janelle,” she said softly next to his ear.
He squeezed her in reply, telling her he’d heard her. “What about you? Do I get one from you too?” he murmured against her temple.
Nodding, she slid up higher on the bed until she could lean in and press her face into his neck. Even with the antiseptic scent of the hospital on him, he still smelled like Gage. She thought her heart might burst with gratitude at the feel of him pressed up against her, alive and whole. She savored every point of contact between them, every rise and fall of his chest and beat of his heart.
“Love you,” she told him fiercely, her mouth close to his ear. He was worth any fear and pain that came along with him.
“Love you too. C’mere.” He tugged her closer, pulling against her resistance until she was stretched out on her side beside him and her head was nestled into the hollow of his shoulder. The hospital gown dipped lower, exposing the top of his chest. In the dim light cast from the streetlights outside, she could just see the top of her name inked into his skin over his left pec. She traced it idly with one finger, careful to stay away from the nicks that covered his skin. The nurses had spent over an hour picking glass out of him and they said there’d probably be more working through his skin in the coming weeks and months.
Gage kissed the top of her head and ran a soothing hand down her back. “You told me you don’t want to come last in my life, but you never have.” She stayed very sill, listening to each word he said, sensing he’d been thinking about this for a long time. “I love my daughter a thousand times more now because I wasn’t the greatest dad while she was growing up and I know I’m lucky that she even wants me in her life now. And yeah, I love my job. But you’re just as important to me as they are. More so, in a lot of ways. Hell, Claire, I need you. Need you more than I’ve ever needed anyone. My life was fucking empty without you in it.”
Her finger stilled its motion on his chest. It was rare for him to talk about his feelings, let alone with this sort of honesty or raw emotion. Her throat tightened. “I need you too.”
His hand pressed harder against her back, as though he needed to feel more of her against his body. “You know I won’t be able to do this kind of work for much longer,” he said at last.
She finished tracing the L, moved on to the upward arc of the A. “Yes you will.” He’d wind up running and maybe owning a company like Titanium one day.
“No, I mean out in the field. I’m almost forty three.”
“I know,” she said wryly. “That dozen year age gap between us never gets any shorter, old man.”
“Eleven and a half years,” he corrected, same as he always did.
“Close enough.”
His chest rumbled in a muted laugh. “I’m not letting you use that as an excuse to talk yourself out of being with me, by the way.”
“Nah, I’ve decided to let that one go.”
“Thank Christ for that. But I meant that my body’s taken a lot of punishment over the years. I still want to be out there with the guys placed under me, but I think maybe it’s time that I…scaled things back a bit.”
Claire lifted her head to stare at him. “Scale it back how?” Her heart beat faster, hope rising swift and painful inside her.
He toyed with a lock of her hair that had fallen over her shoulder. “I mean maybe I can work more behind the scenes unless there’s something specific they need me for out in the field. Hunter’s part owner of Titanium now and with how many new contracts Tom’s taken on, he’s hinted that he could use a hand with running the company.”
“Are you doing it for me?” She had to ask. As much as she wanted him out of harm’s way, he’d resent her later on down the road for pushing him out of action before he was ready.
“Well, partly, but I’ve been thinking about it for a while now. I wouldn’t want to leave the guys completely when they’re running ops, because I’ve spent most of my life doing that kind of work. I’m not ready to give all that up yet. But I am willing to take a step back. It’s time.”
Claire kissed him. Set her hand against the uninjured side of his face to cradle his cheek in her palm and settled her mouth over his. “I love you,” she murmured, “no matter what you do.”
Gage made a rough sound and slid his fingers into her hair to cradle the back of her head, deepening the kiss. “You won’t run out on me this time?” he muttered against her lips when he pulled back an inch.
“No,” she vowed, meaning it and surprised by how good it felt to say aloud.
“Even though I’m way older than you and I have a teenage daughter and I can’t have any more kids and I do dangerous shit for a living?”
“Good because I wouldn’t let you go again anyhow.” Gage grinned and tucked her head back down against his shoulder, cuddling her close. “Gonna marry you, you know.”
A joyous smile broke over her face, her heart swelling. “Are you?”
“Yeah. You didn’t know, but I bought a ring back in March.”
He had? Stricken, she sucked in a pained breath and started to lift her head to apologize but he held her fast against his shoulder. Warm lips nuzzled the bridge of her nose. “Gonna go talk to your dad and ask for your hand as soon as I get out of this fucking hospital, then go pick up the ring.”
She loved his old fashioned manners. Her father would be deeply touched by that gesture of respect from Gage. Man, would she love to overhear that conversation. “You kept the ring?”
“Yeah. I wasn’t ready to give you up completely. Guess some part of me never stopped hoping I’d get another chance to convince you I’m the only man for you.”
She closed her eyes and smiled against the hospital gown. “You are the only man for me.” She couldn’t wait to be Gage’s wife. “And if you want out of this place sooner rather than later, then I guess you’d better be on your best behavior and do what they tell you, huh? Starting with taking your meds.”
“Yeah, you’re right.” His sigh was full of resignation. Then he squeezed her once and kissed her forehead. “Pass me those pills then, baby, because I want to slide that ring on your finger by tomorrow night.”