by Hazel James
Hey fuckface,
I know you took my death hard. I also know your stubborn ass wouldn’t have heard anything I said until you processed everything. That’s why I told Kelsey to wait until the day you got married. I want you to hear this message the first time you read this letter, not the fiftieth or hundredth time.
We all knew the possibilities when we came over here, and I don’t regret my decision for one second. I was a lucky son of a bitch to go out doing what I loved. It beats the hell out of a boring car crash any day.
If I know you, it’s been a few years since I died. I don’t hold that against you. I’m just really fucking glad to see you happy. You deserve to have everything I did and more… a wife, kids, maybe even a dog named Patch who shits in the corner to remind you of me. (I’m still sorry about that rug, by the way. I never touched Jose Cuervo again after that night.)
Make sure you’re living life to the fullest in my honor, or I’ll be forced to haunt your ass. I’ll see you when you’re an old man, and you’d better have some good stories to tell.
You’re a hell of a friend, DH. The best I ever had. Kiss my girls for me.
Patch
“Daddy, help!” Poppy runs over to Patch’s grave with Abigail close behind her. “Abby’s firefly is broken. Make him better.”
“Can you fix him, DH? He’s not lighting up or flying. I think he might be dying.”
“Sounds like this is serious. Let’s take a look.” She holds her cupped hands out, and sure enough, the firefly is crawling across her palms. I watch him for a moment, then say, “I know what the problem is.”
“What’s wrong with him, Daddy? Is he gonna be okay?”
“He’s absolutely going to be okay. Abigail has a messenger firefly, that’s all. You can tell because he has a poppy on his back.”
Poppy scrunches her little face and points to herself. “A me?”
“Not quite. He has a poppy flower. See that black dot inside the red circle?” The girls peer at the bug and nod their heads. “This guy can’t fly until he has a message to take to Heaven.”
“What kind of message?” Abigail asks.
“Anything you want.”
She thinks for a moment, then holds her hands up to her mouth. “Tell my Daddy that I love him and I miss him, and even though Mama is married again, we’re still keeping Daddy’s chair at the dinner table.” She glances at me. “Do you want to send a message too, DH?”
“Sure.” I clear my throat again. “Tell Patch I understand everything.” As we watch the firefly spread its wings and flicker into the evening sky, I think about the worst three minutes of my life. It took me a few years, but I finally understand why Patch died.
Because he was supposed to.
It was his time.
And because of that, I fell apart, found Paige, and finally started living again.
He chose to leave the helicopter first.
These things we do, that others may live.
Many of the characters in my book are named after fallen service members. Some I chose from a list, some my husband served with, and one I went to school with. This is my very small way of honoring their service.
Specialist Eric Burri, June 7, 2005, Operation Iraqi Freedom
Specialist Clay P. Farr, Feb. 26, 2006, Operation Iraqi Freedom
Sergeant First Class Barrett McNabb, June 12, 2012, Operation Enduring Freedom
Specialist Brandon J. Prescott, May 4, 2013, Operation Enduring Freedom
Private First Class Willington Rhoads, July 16, 2008, Operation Enduring Freedom
Sergeant Robert Surber, June 3, 2007, Operation Iraqi Freedom
To those dealing with PTSD—help is available. Check out www.vetsports.org and www.camaraderiefoundation.org for resources.
This book was born on a highway in Oklahoma after passing a sign that said Drive Friendly. It was supposed to be a story about a storm chaser, but somewhere along the way, it turned into so much more than that.
First, to God. Your timing is always perfect. Even when I think it’s not. Even when I’m so sure everything is about to go up in flames. Thank you for the countless blessings in my life.
To my husband… where do I begin? You are one of the strongest people I know, and your courage is nothing short of inspiring. You have taught me that PTSD is more than a diagnosis—it’s a journey that has no compass or map. (That’s probably good, because we both know I wouldn’t be able to use them anyway.) I’ll be with you every step of the way… cheering for you, fighting for you, and annoying the shit out of you. Basically, what I do best. Thank you for bringing a level of depth to DH that I didn’t plan. Now that his story is written, I couldn’t imagine it any other way. I love you mucho mucho.
Samantha George and Mandy Grifka, my sisters from another mister. You make my heart so full. I can’t imagine my life without either of you in it. Every time I worried or doubted, you were there. Sometimes you talked me back from the ledge, and other times, you grabbed my hands and we all jumped together. Thank you for being two of the best parts of my day, every single day. I can’t wait to see you both again! 123 | 432
The Bourne Bitches: Jonelle Espinoza, Candy Fontz, Desiree Iniguez, Brenna Rattai, Lindsey Rodner, and Sarah Wilson. We made something amazing out of a shitty situation. I’m so glad I could end 2016 with six of the most wonderful friends. I love each of you so much.
Stacy Kestwick, you’ve never made me feel like a wannabe. Thank you for all the advice, support, and most of all, your friendship. Looking forward to new adventures with you!
Cassy Roop with Pink Ink Designs, thank you for knowing what I wanted—even if it’s the exact opposite of what I requested. I appreciate your time and talent in making the perfect cover for this book.
Stacey Blake with Champagne Formats, thank you for the amazing details you added. Formatting is an art, and you do it so wonderfully.
Erin Noelle and Jen Van Wyk, I appreciate you both so much. Thank you for caring for my baby, catching my mistakes, and helping me fix a few plot points to make this book be the best it could be.
Alison Maxwell and Stacy Kestwick, thank you for giving Chased a final set of eyes and ensuring it was as polished as possible.
Megan Cooke, thank you for your purple and black and giving me new things to think about.
Tatiana Hardy, thank you for never batting an eye when I called or texted saying, “I need help killing someone.” I couldn’t have written my medical scenes without your input.
Hazel’s Nuts, y’all are the best!! I admit, I was nervous to have a group of my own, but I know now that I didn’t need to be. Thank you for all the love and laughs!
Walking on Cars, music inspires me more than anything else. Everything This Way became the soundtrack to this book, and Catch Me If You Can became its anthem. Thank you for the countless hours of inspiration, and for coming to Orlando. I hope to make it to a show on your side of the world one day!
To every reader and blogger who spent a few hours with DH and Paige, consider this a hug in writing. Your time is valuable and I’m so honored that you chose this book out of so many others. Thank you!
To the real heroes of this book—the nurses, service members, and police officers who are overworked and underpaid—you have my deepest respect and appreciation.
Lower than Atlantis “Get Over It”
Mallory Knox “Lighthouse”
Nothing But Thieves “Itch”
The 1975 “Sex”
The 1975 “Me”
Imagine Dragons “Nothing Left to Say”
He is We “I Wouldn’t Mind”
Bishop Briggs “River”
Walking on Cars Everything This Way Album
“Catch Me If You Can”
“Two Stones”
“Don’t Mind Me”
“Ship Goes Down”
“Speeding Cars”
“Love Backs Down”
“Always Be With You”
“Hand in Hand”
“At Gunpoint”
“Tick Tock”
“Flying High Falling Low”
“As We Fly South”
Hazel James is an Army veteran and an active-duty Army wife. Her greatest loves include her family, lip gloss, Diet Coke, and the beach. You can find her at:
www.authorhazeljames.com
www.instagram.com/realhazeljames
www.twitter.com/realhazeljames
www.facebook.com/realhazeljames
www.facebook.com/groups/hazelsnuts
I’ll Be the One