by Marie Skye
Standing in the doorway, peering at her, she'd never looked more beautiful, hair in disarray with my shirt on. I knew she was worn out, and I wanted to give her a few more minutes of sleep before I became a selfish bastard and sank myself into her. I got in behind her and pulled her close to me, holding her tightly.
"I love you," I whispered in her ear, pulling her tighter against me. Fuck, I never thought I would say those words again in my life to another woman. I barely shut my eyes when I felt her body tense and her breathing quicken, and she began whimpering. She turned her head into the pillow.
"Please don't," she murmured.
I sat up.
"Emmalin?”
She was gripping the pillow. Tears streamed down her face, but her eyes were closed tight. "Stop! Please, stop. It hurts! I won't tell if you stop. I promise!” She began screaming.
I lifted her up by her shoulders and began shaking her. "Emmalin! Emmalin, wake up!”
Her eyes shot open, but she wasn't looking at me. It was as if she was looking straight through me at someone else. She began clawing at my chest.
"God, Emmalin. Wake up, baby. WAKE UP!" I shook her harder.
Finally focusing on me, her eyes grew wide and she scrambled back, falling off the bed hard and crawling over to a corner, where she broke down.
I didn't know what to do and started to approach her like one would a small animal. As if sensing me close, she held up her hand to stop me. I crouched in front of her but at a safe distance to let her know I wasn't going anywhere. She sat there crying, and it killed me that she wouldn't let me near her.
"I have to go," she whispered.
I shook my head. "No, you don't."
"You don't get it, Grayson."
"Enlighten me.” She shook her head. "Is this why you don't sleep?” She didn't answer. "Who hurt you, Emmalin?” Minutes passed. "Can I come to you?"
She finally looked up at me. Tears welled in her eyes again, and she nodded. I wrapped her in my arms.
"I'm sorry about the scratches," she mumbled into my chest.
I sighed. "I'm not. It means you fought."
She stood up suddenly. "I'm going to shower.” I followed her closely, and she stopped at the entrance of the bathroom. "Alone.” Before I could answer, she closed the door.
Then the lock clicked. Not only did she shut me out, but she locked the fucking door. Two steps back.
I sat on the edge of the bed listening to the water run. I didn't know what she was doing in there, but forty-five minutes had passed. Forty-five minutes of her putting that damn wall back up, which was just enough time for her to shut back down.
The water finally turned off, and a few minutes later, she emerged from the bathroom in my robe. She walked over to the dresser and grabbed a long T-shirt and pants. She never wore that many clothes to bed. As she was heading back to the bathroom, she reached up to tuck her hair behind her ear, and I almost missed it. Almost. I jumped up.
"Stop.”
She jerked. I took the clothes from her hands and threw them on the bed before grabbing the belt of the robe and gently tugged till it fell open. I slid the robe off her shoulders.
“What did you do?” I whispered. She tried covering herself up, but I took her arms and pinned them to her side. Her entire body looked like she had a bad sunburn along with some scarring, and appeared extremely painful to the touch. How she managed to get the robe on, I didn't even know. I placed my hand under her chin. "Why?"
"I needed the pain," she said in a small voice. It all suddenly made sense. Her need for me to hit her after the choking incident and now this. After anything that was a reminder of her past, she wanted pain as a punishment.
"Listen to me. No more self-harm. Do you understand me? No more. If you want pain, I’ll give it to you. And if it's too much, you will safeword, or if I think it's too much, I'll safeword, but no more self-harm. Do you understand me?” She looked at me indifferently. “Fuck, Emmalin, is this what you’ve been doing?” She didn’t meet my eyes. “Answer me!”
She stepped out of my grasp and stalked toward the bed and started putting on the clothes.
"Don't you think I'm embarrassed right now? You having to see that? You having to see me in that way? That was mine. All mine. I don't need to be fixed. I told you that a long time ago, that I don't need a superhero. You won’t even fix your shit, so what makes you think you can sit here and try to fix me, Grayson?"
I stepped back and looked at her. Hands clenched, there was a mixture of sadness and rage in her eyes. I took one step forward, and she retreated. I could see the bricks going up in her head, one by one, and I was going to bulldoze every single one of them back down. No matter what it took.
"Don't do that, Emmalin. Don't walk away from me.” I reached out and ran my hand down the side of her face. She didn't flinch. "When you swing, you make sure you hit, don't you?” She looked down, and I placed my hand under her chin. "Whether you heard me earlier or not, before all of this, I meant what I said. You'll remember.” Her eyebrows furrowed. "I want you to lie down.” She started to speak, and I cut her off. "I want you to lie down completely naked, and I'm going to rub aloe all over you, and then I'm going to wrap you in my arms, and then we're going to sleep. Understand?” She hesitated. "You aren't leaving this house, Emmalin, even if I have to tie you down myself. Now, do you understand?"
"Yes."
I lay in bed listening to the soft snoring coming from Grayson. Still mortified from what happened early this morning, my first instinct was to run far away. Hell, I expected him to run far away, yet not only was he not running, but he wasn't letting me run away. Jerk. I smiled. Even when I was stubborn, he saw right through me.
"Penny for your thoughts?”
I turned toward him. “Just a penny?"
He pulled me closer. "Fine. A million pennies. That's what, ten thousand dollars? I think I have that in my couch." I swatted his chest, and he leaned down and kissed me, taking my breath away.
"Tell me about the charity ball, what's it for?”
His eyes lit up. "It's for the inner city kids and the public school system. Funding is always cut from public schools, so every year I sponsor a charity ball, which is code for gather a bunch of rich folks, get them in a room with a lot of liquor, and get as much money from them as I can."
I laughed. "That's great of you to do that."
"Yeah, well, it's never enough. They deserve more.” His expression hardened for a brief moment. "Will you go with me?"
I smiled. "Sure. What time do I need to be there?"
He shook his head. "No. As my date. As in we arrive together. I introduce you as my girlfriend. We smile at each other, be affectionate with each other, and then we leave together. I take you home and slowly take off your dress and count how many times I make you beg. And before you say it, no, I don't give a shit what anyone thinks. So again, I ask, will you go with me?"
I bit my bottom lip. "Yes, I would love to.” He smiled from ear to ear, and I started laughing.
"Goodness, so demanding. I wonder how you act when you ask a girl to marry you.” I stopped, instantly regretting the word vomit that just spilled from my mouth. I tried looking elsewhere, but he grabbed my chin, so I had to look at him.
"It wouldn't be just some girl, and when I ask you to marry me, you'll know.” Holy shit. He leaned in to my ear. "Breathe."
I'm glad he told me, because I sure as hell stopped breathing. I had to change the subject and finally remembered something.
"What did Dale mean when he said he thought you had a date?”
He sat up and ran his hand through his hair, muttering a curse.
"It's complicated.” Before he could say more, we heard shouting followed by a knock on the bedroom door. Chace.
"Morning, you two. Meet me in the kitchen.”
I looked at Grayson. "He has a key to your house?”
He sighed. "It was supposed to be for emergencies only when my niece and nephew were here. Clearly,
he has different ideas of what constitutes an emergency."
He begrudgingly got out of bed, and I followed, putting on something decent. We got to the kitchen and Chace was making coffee and rummaging through the fridge.
"By all means, make yourself at home, Chace."
Chace looked up. "Thanks, man.” He gave me a wink before sliding in next to me, purposely irritating Grayson.
"Why exactly are you here? And I want my key back."
"You have the best food. Everything is set up for tonight, but I wanted the lovely and sexy Emmalin here to see if Isabella will be joining us."
I looked between the two of them. "Joining us where?"
"I don't think that's a good idea," Grayson answered tersely.
"You didn't tell her?"
"Drop it, Chace."
I felt like I was at a tennis tournament watching the two of them banter back and forth. "Hey! Dammit, will you two stop talking around me and talk to me."
Grayson looked at me and took a deep breath. "There's a club."
"That's it? You're getting worked up over a club?"
"It's not your typical club, Emmalin.” Chace took a sip of his coffee as he placed his arm around me.
“Chace, get out.”
Chace scowled. “Fine. I hope to see you guys later. If not, I understand.”
He winked at me, and I suddenly remembered Isabella’s whereabouts. “Oh, Chace, Isabella is in Cabo on a job.”
He scowled. “Damn. Guess I’ll have to find someone else.”
“Out, Chace!” Grayson shouted again.
I watched Chace go and turned to face Grayson, who was staring at me closely. He moved to fix us cups of coffee.
“So are you going to tell me about this club?”
Sitting next to me, he slid a cup toward me and cleared his throat. “You know about my particular taste with sex?” I nodded, taking a sip. “This club is exclusive. In fact, it’s virtually unknown to the general public. However, those with an acquired taste can be extended an invitation. Those who are members undergo a strictly vetted background investigation. And that’s before an invitation is even made. If it is decided they can be a member, there’s a bi-annual membership fee of fifty thousand dollars.”
I spat out my coffee. “You mean to tell me that people are sought after to join a place and then, only if they’re approved, they pay a hundred thousand dollars a year for a night club? You’ve got to be shitting me.”
“It’s not your typical club, Emmalin.”
“I know. Chace said that.” I was starting to get annoyed.
He grabbed my chin, forcing me to look at him. “You really need an attitude adjustment, don’t you?”
I sighed. “Just tell me.”
“Tesh, the club, is an extremely private BDSM club. However, it’s not your typical BDSM club since it offers much more that others don’t, such as the purest cocaine and thousand dollar bottles of alcohol, just to name a few things that set them apart.”
“So what’s it like there? Is it one big orgy?”
He smiled. “It’s about preference. Whatever people like. Some people go simply to observe. Some people go just to relax. We all have rooms there. It’s part of the package. Some people just go for dinner and some… well, they go to play.”
I didn’t know what to say. I knew this was something he did. Or use to do, and used it as a way to deal with his anger. “How long has it been since you’ve gone?”
He looked at me thoughtfully. “I haven’t been since I’ve been back in town. Before that, I frequented it quite regularly, actually. In fact, I practically stayed there.”
I stared into my coffee. “Do you want to go tonight?” My voice shook as I asked.
“Baby, no. I don’t need that place. I have you.” He pulled me into his lap.
“I want to go. I want to go and see what it’s like.”
He shook his head. “Emmalin, you aren’t going to a place like that.”
“Why not? I can handle it.”
He ran his hand through his hair and growled. “Emmalin, you have no idea what it is you’re saying. There're a lot of things that may be unsettling. I don’t want to bring you into that. Especially after…” He stopped talking. I knew what he wanted to say.
“It was just a dream, Grayson. That’s all. Just a dream.” I moved to get up, but he held me down. I hated how he kept doing that.
“I’m not saying you can’t handle it, Emmalin. I’m saying that I don’t want you to.”
I turned to face him. “Maybe it’s what I need, Grayson. Did you ever think that? You said you would give me the pain if I needed it, right? You did that there. So I’m asking for the pain.”
His eyes never left mine and actually grew darker. He reached up and fisted my hair, gripping it tight and pulling me to him, till his lips crashed over mine.
He pulled back and whispered against my lips. “You’re sure about this?” I nodded. “Once I’m in there, I’m not Grayson anymore.” I nodded. “You’ll wear white. It means you’re untouchable and that no one goes near you. If you feel threatened in any way, whether it’s by me or anyone else, you use your safeword and everything stops. Do you understand?” I nodded. “Words, baby.”
“Yes, I understand.”
I spent the rest of the day a nervous wreck while Grayson acted like it was a normal day. He spent most of the day in his office catching up on work, while I tried working on not having a panic attack.
To him, this was just another day. He kept asking me if I was okay, and I would smile and nonchalantly say I was fine, while inside I was screaming because I was so out of my element for wanting to do this, but I had to.
After this morning, I had gone too far. He had seen too much of me, and I needed the punishment. I needed it washed away. That was the only thing getting me through—the fact that I had to do this.
Deciding to calm my nerves, I found myself in his home gym and thought of it as a perfect distraction. I grabbed his headphones, turned on the treadmill, shut my eyes, and ran. I don’t know how long I was running, but all of a sudden I felt the treadmill slow down. I opened my eyes, and Grayson was in front of me. I gasped since I wasn't expecting him to be there. Grasping the edges of the rail, I held myself up to prevent myself from falling as he hit the emergency stop. I looked at the time. I had been running for over an hour. He reached up and ran his hand under my eye.
"You're crying."
I shook my head. "That's sweat."
He shook his head. "No. You're crying."
I stepped back and wiped my eyes. "I guess I didn't realize.” I jumped off the treadmill and grabbed a towel.
He studied me closely, not looking remotely convinced. "Lunch is almost ready."
I nodded. "I'll shower then join you.”
Before I could turn away, he grabbed my arm and gave me a chaste kiss. "I'll join you.”
As we went to the master bath and he prepared the shower, a part of me couldn't help but wonder if he was thinking about what I did last night. He probably didn't have much trust in me. I didn't blame him. I didn't trust myself half the time. I was already under the shower, enjoying the cascading waterfall, when Grayson stepped in behind me and began kneading my shoulders. I instantly melted into him.
"You’re so tense, baby.” I couldn't even answer as his fingers worked their magic, so I just moaned instead. "You need to relax more."
I sighed. "I try to. I just have a lot going on.” He turned me, so I had to face him.
"Talk to me.” I looked into his eyes—the blue eyes that I'd grown to love. I wanted to tell him I loved him so badly. So badly, I wanted to tell him what I was hiding in the dark, but I knew I couldn't. I leaned in and kissed him gently. He deepened the kiss, taking the lead.
I smiled. “Always taking control.”
He smiled. "You just need to learn to hand it over.” He reached for the shampoo and began lathering it in my hair, and I closed my eyes at the massage.
"Well, if it
's anything like this, then I may reconsider.”
He laughed. "If this is all it takes, absolutely."
We finished our shower, and although it was innocent, my body felt like it was on fire, especially when he felt the need to dry every inch of me, which only frustrated me more. All I wanted him to do was take full advantage of me. When I went to grab a pair of jeans, he told me no clothes until tonight, not to argue, and to meet him in the kitchen. I sat there contemplating going against what he said. I didn't know what the point of being completely naked was while he got to walk around fully dressed.
"Stop thinking about it and come downstairs,” he shouted. Damn him. Fine, but we better not be having soup.
I reluctantly made my way down into the kitchen, arms crossed. Grayson was leaning against the counter with a slight grin that immediately turned into a frown when he saw me and stalked toward me.
"Relax," he said as he uncrossed my arms and laid a kiss on top of my head. "Let's eat. I already have your insulin ready."
I smiled. "Wow, thanks. You didn't have to do that.” I checked over the carbs on my plate and at my syringe. It was practically perfect. "I still can't believe you learned all this."
"Why wouldn't I? That's what someone does for someone they care about, don't they?"
I shrugged “I guess. Guys in the past just didn't seem interested, I suppose, or it freaked them out. The last guy I went on a date with and I had low blood sugar said he didn't want to be around someone who would be a burden.” I jumped when his fork hit the plate.
"As much as I love talking about other men who’ve had their hands on you, they were assholes who didn't even deserve to breathe the same air as you. You aren't a burden. Shit happens. Diabetes just happens to be your shit. We deal with it, so that's what we're doing.” He peered over at me. "Yes, I said we."
I smiled. I did see a future with him. After we were finished, as usual, he wouldn't allow me to help clean. I sat there, trying to resist the urge to cover myself up, and twisted my hands in my lap.
"It's about relinquishing control, Emmalin.” I glanced up. "In preparation for tonight. You don't see yourself the way I do. The way your body flushes, it's beautiful.”