by Robert Bevan
“That’s not a problem,” said Julian. “I am accustomed to acting as the face of the party.”
“And an adorable face it is,” said the nymph. “If, for whatever reason, you fail to persuade them to leave, I require you to return here with their heads.”
“Their heads?” said Dave.
“If you return with seven hobgoblin heads, I shall restore your friend’s sight.”
“Wait, what?” said Cooper. “You’re sending me out there blind? How the fuck am I supposed to fight hobgoblins without my eyes?”
“I recommend you use your axe,” said the nymph. “Return with less than seven heads, and I’ll blind the rest of you as well. Now be gone!” There was no mirthful laugh this time. Even the birds in the Life Tree fell silent as she raised her hands to the sky.
The temperature dropped as a black cloud swirled into existence above the grove. It crackled with electricity.
“What’s going on?” asked Ravenus, flying down from the Life Tree. “What happened?” He let out a loud caw when a small bolt of lightning struck the ground next to him and Julian.
“Okay,” said Tim. “We’re going!” He ran as fast as he could out of the grove. Julian, with his longer, more slender legs, beat him to the edge.
From the relative safety of the forest outside the nymph’s grove, Tim watched Dave waddle toward him.
Cooper ran in an entirely different direction as the nymph called small bolts of lightning down, not quite on him, but near enough so that he could feel they were there. Every time he was nearly struck, he changed direction, zig-zagging his way out of the grove. He ran face-first into one of the smaller oaks marking the border and fell on his ass.
The nymph laughed and the birds resumed their treetop chatter as Cooper crawled past the grassy border.
“She really cranked up the bitch knob toward the end there,” said Tim as he, Julian and Dave circled the perimeter of the grove to find Cooper.
“She was getting bored with us,” said Dave.
“How do you know?” asked Julian.
“My high Wisdom score sometimes allows me certain insights into people’s behavior. Maybe it’s an untrained Sense Motive check. I don’t know. Anyway, you heard her yourself. She seeks to be entertained. She toyed with us, like a cat plays with a mouse, until it just wasn’t fun for her anymore. Then, instead of eating us, or whatever –”
“I think this is where your cat analogy breaks down,” said Tim. “We get it.”
“Right,” said Dave. “She sent us to go find new toys for her to play with.”
“Gobstopper heads?” said Julian.
“Hobgoblin,” said Tim.
“Tim?” Cooper called out. He was sitting against a tree, his head facing in their general direction.
“We’re coming,” said Tim. “Stay there.”
“Are you okay?” asked Julian as they got closer.
“My head hurts,” said Cooper. His right eyebrow was bleeding and dirty with tree bark.
“You hit that tree pretty hard,” said Tim. “Dave, patch him up, will you?”
“We may have a fight coming up,” said Dave. “Are you sure we should be using up my Heal spells already?”
“Jesus, Dave,” said Tim. “Just give him a Level Zero heal, huh? Something to take the edge off. He just slammed his face into a fucking tree.”
“Sorry,” said Dave. “I’m just trying to think ahead.” He touched Cooper’s forehead. “I heal thee.”
The cut sealed itself up, and Julian wiped the spilled blood out of Cooper’s useless eye.
“What’s the plan?” said Cooper.
“It would make the most sense to have Ravenus scout the area first,” said Tim. “If we can catch one or two of them alone, then we stand a better chance of taking them down at minimal risk to ourselves.”
“What happened to Diplomacy?” said Julian.
Tim and Dave exchanged a quick glance.
“Listen,” said Dave. “I know you’re new to all this, but we’ve been playing this game for a long time. You can’t settle every problem that comes your way by talking. Most of the time, violence is the best answer. No loose ends. No future betrayals. Just nice and simple.”
“What loose ends or future betrayals?” asked Julian. “These Hip-hoppins –”
“Hobgoblins,” said Tim.
“Whatever. They haven’t done anything to us. We’re going out to murder them for the amusement of some sadistic magical hippie. What harm could it do to talk to them first?”
Dave scratched under his beard. “What if they only say they’re going away, but then they come back with a bunch of reinforcements?”
“What if they do?” said Julian. “We’ll have returned successfully to the grove, gotten Cooper’s vision sorted out, and be well on our way to getting shitfaced at the Whore’s Head long before they come back.”
“He makes a good point,” said Cooper.
“You’re using it right now, aren’t you?” said Dave.
Julian looked at him innocently. “What?”
“Diplomacy.”
Julian looked at the ground. “Yes.”
“Fine,” said Tim. “We’ll try it your way. But I still want to try and find one or two of them alone. If Diplomacy doesn’t work, then we don’t need all of them alerted to our presence at once.”
“I’ll agree to that,” said Julian. “Let’s go find the stream, and I’ll have Ravenus scout north from there.”
Finding the stream was no big challenge. Julian followed his long ears, leading Cooper by the hand as he stumbled through the undergrowth.
After about ten minutes of walking, Tim could hear the babble of the water. Twenty minutes after that, they arrived. If the stream flowed north and slightly to the east, as the nymph had told them, it didn’t do so in a straight line. It was full of twists and bends, some of the larger trees in the forest diverting its route. It was impossible to guess an average width or depth. At some points, Tim guessed he could jump clear across it with a running start. At other points, it formed pools twenty feet wide.
“Ravenus,” said Julian. “Fly downriver until you spot the cave or the hoprobbins.”
“Hobgoblins,” said Tim.
“Right away, sir,” said Ravenus. He flapped off down the river and disappeared above the treetops.
“Cooper should walk in the stream,” said Tim.
“Why?” asked Cooper.
“Because you’re blind.”
“Of course,” said Julian. “Everyone knows that blind people travel best in running water.”
“Seriously?” said Cooper.
“No,” said Julian.
Tim threw an acorn at Julian’s head. “It’s for your safety,” he said to Cooper. “You’ll be quieter in the water than you would be crashing into every low-hanging branch you pass. And you won’t need anyone to guide you. Just follow the direction of the current. And if it does come to a fight, well… maybe you can stay hidden.”
“Fuck that,” said Cooper. “I’m not going to hide from a fight. Fighting is the only thing I’m any good at.”
Tim was getting ready to argue again when Ravenus flew down from the trees.
“That was fast,” said Julian. “Did you find the cave already?”
“No, sir,” said the bird. “But I spotted two hobgoblins just downstream from here. Looks like a patrol.”
“Perfect,” said Tim. “That’s just what we were looking for. Cooper, no arguments from you. Get in the river and keep your big head down. If you hear any fighting, you can come join in, but don’t use your axe. You’d be just as likely to chop one of us in half.”
“Fine,” grumbled Cooper. He trudged toward the stream, waving his hands out in front of him. It was his foot, however, that found an obstacle. He tripped over a log and belly-flopped into the water.
“Dude,” said Dave. “Keep it down!”
“Fuck you,” said Cooper, wiping water off his face. It came off slimy and sticky, stri
nging from his face to his hands.
“Ew,” said Julian. “What kind of water is that?”
“It’s not the water,” said Tim. “That’s just Cooper’s filth getting wet.”
Tim, Julian, and Dave crept forward, moving from tree to tree as quietly as Dave’s armor would allow.
Before long, Tim spotted the two hobgoblins about sixty feet away, sitting on a freshly chopped tree trunk, facing away from him. Thick, reddish-brown fur poked through the joints of their plate armor. Their boots sat unattended next to them as they dangled their feet in the water. Battleaxes and longbows also lay on the ground nearby.
“We should get moving,” said the hobgoblin on the left. “If Snarlgore catches us sitting on our asses, he’ll thrash us for sure.”
“How’s he going to find out?” asked the hobgoblin on the right, the slightly larger of the two. “We’re the only ones on patrol. You worry too much, Grimblart. It’s important to clear your mind every once in a while. Just take in the world around you.” He took a long, deep breath. “Smell the fresh air. Feel the cool water as it runs between your toes.”
“These guys seem perfectly reasonable,” Julian whispered.
The hobgoblin called Grimblart removed his skullcap and dipped it into the stream. He brought it to his mouth and drank. Then he spat out the water and started to choke violently.
The other hobgoblin laughed at him. “You fool! You’re supposed to drink the water, not breathe it.”
Grimblart’s choking eventually subsided. “This water tastes like elf shit!”
Tim face-palmed himself. “Fucking Cooper.”
“Why elf shit?” asked Julian. With such a wide diversity of life in this world, it was a fair question.
Dave shrugged. “Just a figure of speech?”
The other hobgoblin sniffed Grimblart’s head. “Well no wonder. You’ve been wearing that helmet on your sweaty, flea-ridden head all day. You need to rinse it out first.” He removed his own helmet and demonstrated, rinsing it in the stream a few times before taking a cautious sip. He immediately spat it out. “By the scars my father left me, you’re right. This is bad water indeed. Perhaps a bear died upstream. Let’s have a look.”
The two hobgoblins pulled their feet out of the water and re-donned their helmets.
“It’s now or never,” said Tim. “If they spot Cooper, your Diplomacy isn’t going to do shit.”
“Okay,” said Julian. “Wait here.”
Julian stepped out from behind the cover of the oak as the two hobgoblins were fastening their bootstraps. “Excuse me, gentlemen.”
The hobgoblins instinctively reached for their bows. When they looked up and saw Julian, they threw the bows down and picked up their axes. “BRRAAAWWWWRRRRGGGHHHH!” they roared as they charged at him, axes held high in the air.
“The fuck?” said Julian. He stumbled backward. “M-m-magic Missile!”
A glowing bolt of magical energy burst out of Julian’s outstretched palm, flew through the air, swerved around a tree, and struck the larger hobgoblin in the thigh, through a gap in his armor. Burnt bits of flesh exploded from his leg, but he didn’t even slow down.
Tim readied his crossbow and aimed it at the injured hobgoblin. He took care to remain concealed as best he could, but the precaution was probably unnecessary. The hobgoblin was rabidly focused on Julian. He waited for it to close in to within thirty feet of his position, so that he would get his Sneak Attack Bonus.
THWACK!
The bolt caught the hobgoblin in the throat. He dropped his battleaxe and clutched at the bolt, gurgling up blood from his mouth. He managed to pull the bolt out, and a fine, pink mist escaped from his neck. He collapsed on the ground and was no longer a problem.
His friend, Grimblart, didn’t even seem to notice his fallen comrade. He kept running after Julian, who was now running as fast as he could in the other direction.
Dave jumped out from behind the tree to intercept Grimblart. “Yah!” he cried, swinging his heavy mace. He swung a little too high, allowing the hobgoblin to easily duck under the blow, punch him in the face, and continue stalking Julian.
“Surprise, motherfuckers!” shouted Cooper as he jumped out of the stream. It was unclear as to what he thought he was running toward, but he didn’t get more than two strides in before running straight into Dave. They both fell to the ground, and Cooper grabbed a handful of Dave’s beard.
“Wraaa!” cried Dave. His right arm was pinned down by Cooper’s knee, so he gave a weak swing at Cooper’s face with his left hand. Cooper caught him by his leopard-furred forearm.
“You hairy son of a bitch!” said Cooper. He lifted Dave off the ground. “This is what happens when you fuck with one of my friends!” He threw Dave into the stream and jumped onto his back.
Tim’s eyes darted back and forth as he tried to determine who needed his help the most. He’d never be able to catch Julian and the hobgoblin, not with his tiny legs. And Ravenus had already flown off that way, for whatever help he could provide. He ran toward the stream.
When he arrived at the bank, Dave was face-down in the water, and Cooper was sitting on his back, punching the shit out of him.
“Cooper!” cried Tim. “Knock it off! That’s Dave!”
Cooper raised his head, looking around blindly. “Huh? Where?”
“You’re sitting on him, you stupid asshole!”
“Oh shit,” said Cooper. He stood up, grabbed Dave by his normal, non-furry arm, and pulled him up. “My bad, dude.”
Dave coughed up what looked like four gallons of mud and sand, and then sucked in about ten times that volume of air. He raised a shaky index finger to his bleeding temple. “I heal –” The rest of his incantation came out as another gush of mud-vomit, but it must have been good enough. The bleeding stopped, and the back of his skull cracked back into its proper form.
Cooper reached out to feel Dave’s face. “Are you okay?”
Dave jerked away. “Don’t touch me.”
“Hey man,” said Cooper. “I said I was sorry.”
“No you fucking didn’t, shithead.” He kicked Cooper in the shin, right in the lump where Julian had hit him with his quarterstaff.
“Ow!” cried Cooper, bending down to grab his shin. “Not cool, man! I’m fucking disabled!”
“Wait,” said Dave. “Where’s Julian?”
“How the fuck should I know?” said Cooper. “I’m fucking blind.”
“Shut up. I wasn’t talking to you.”
“I don’t know,” said Tim. “I guess he’s still running from the hobgoblin.”
“Well what are we waiting for?” said Dave. “Let’s go help him!”
“We’ll never find them,” said Tim. “We’re too short and slow, and Cooper’s blind. Julian’s just going to have to fend for himself this time.”
“So we just sit here and do nothing?”
“If we wander off, and he comes back, then we’ll all be screwed,” said Tim. “We need to stay put and wait for him. It’s just one hobgoblin. He’ll be fine.”
“You don’t know that,” said Dave. “That thing was three times the size of Julian, and it was pissed the fuck off. You stay here if you want to. I’m going to go find him.”
“Didn’t you ever see any PSA’s as a kid? What were you supposed to do when you get lost in the mall?”
“Stay where you are and wait for your parents to find you.”
“That’s right,” said Tim.
“But who’s to say who the parents are in this analogy?”
“Look,” said Tim. “Julian knows where we are. We have no idea where he is. It makes more sense to let him come to us.” He rummaged through his bag until he found his small leather tobacco pouch. It wasn’t really tobacco. It was some kind of plant the locals smoked. They called it snotgrass, or something to that effect. That would probably change once large corporations became a thing in this world. Tim rolled up three fat cigarettes. “Julian will be back before these are finished.”
They smoked in silence. Tim hoped that his prediction would be accurate.
They didn’t have to wait long. Before their cigarettes had burned down halfway, Julian came trudging through the underbrush. Blood was smeared across his face, splattered all over his serape, and dripping from his limp left arm. In his right hand he carried his quarterstaff, the head of which was also coated in a thick layer of red. It ran down the shaft and pooled on his hand. Ravenus perched on his shoulder, his beak and neck sticky with some clear liquid. Somewhere, out in the woods, was a dead hobgoblin with no eyes.
“Julian!” said Tim. “You’re all right!”
“No thanks to you dickholes,” said Julian. “Have you guys seriously been sitting around getting stoned while I was out fighting for my life?”
“I wanted to go out and look for you,” said Dave. “But Tim said… Um, that is, we thought it would be best to let you come back to us. So we wouldn’t get lost. You know?” He held out his half-smoked cigarette. “Want some?”
“Just shut up and heal me.”
“Is that your blood?” asked Tim.
Julian shook his quarterstaff. “This isn’t.” He waved it in front of his face and serape. “This isn’t.” He pointed at his left arm. “This is. He got me pretty good with his axe. I’m lucky I still have an arm at all.”
Dave touched Julian’s limp arm. “I heal thee.”
Julian’s eyes rolled up, and he sighed ecstatically. The fingers on his left hand started to wiggle. “Oh my god that feels good.” When he was finally able to make a fist and move his arm properly, he reached out to Dave. “Okay, you’re forgiven. Hand it over.”
Dave handed him what was left of his cigarette. “What happened to your quarterstaff?”
Julian took a few puffs on the cigarette to keep it burning. “I wanted to make sure he was really dead. You know, below-negative-ten-Hit-Points dead. I didn’t want him getting back up and chasing me again. So I beat his skull in until it was a pulpy mess.”
“That’s kind of fucked up,” said Cooper.
“I’ll admit, it was probably overkill, especially considering that Ravenus had already eaten his eyes by that point. But I was angry.”