by Robert Bevan
“Grab the goddamn rope!” said Tim.
“Oh right,” said Julian. He grabbed the rope and planted his feet firmly into the ground. It slowed the rate at which they were all dragged toward certain death, but did not stop or reverse it. Cooper was just too heavy.
Dave’s face was beet-red as he huffed and puffed through his bushy dwarf beard. “Dammit, Cooper! You’ve put on weight, you fat bastard!”
“We can exchange beauty critiques when I’m up there!” Cooper shouted back. “By the way, you assholes are moving the wrong direction.”
Julian let go of the rope. “I’ve got an idea!”
“For fuck’s sake!” said Tim, his hairy feet scrambling for purchase on the ground. “Could you think of an idea that doesn’t involve letting go of the rope?”
Julian ran back to Dave and placed a hand on his shoulder. “Bull’s Strength.”
Dave stopped slipping. His leopard-furred forearm expanded like Popeye. His body grew inside his armor, challenging the integrity of his buckles.
“Gaaarrrr!” Dave shouted as he started stepping backward. The rope went taut, lifting Tim’s tiny body off the ground. Dave moved like a steam locomotive in reverse. Five steps later, Cooper came climbing over the edge.
“Whew,” said Cooper, wiping the sweat off of his giant sloped forehead. “That was a close one.”
“No thanks to you, fucktard!” said Tim.
“How was I supposed to know how weak the ground was?”
Julian pulled at his long elf-ears. “Well you didn’t have to go jumping on it like Wile E. Coyote!”
“Ah ha,” said Cooper. He crossed his massive arms over his chest and looked smugly down at Julian. “You didn’t let me finish. How was I supposed to know how weak the ground was until I tested it? Safety first.”
“That’s it,” said Julian. “I’m going to kill you.” He threw the right side of his serape over his shoulder, made a fist, and stepped toward Cooper.
Tim stepped in his way. “Cool it, man. Remember, it’s not him. It’s his Intelligence score.”
“I almost died!”
“We’ve all almost died,” said Tim. “Just take it easy and –”
“Is everyone okay?” said Ravenus, flapping in from above. His head moved left and right as he settled on the ground. “I seem to recall there being a tree here earlier.”
“Where the hell have you been?” asked Julian.
“I was hunting,” said Ravenus. “Killed me a squirrel, I did. Not much of a meal, I’m afraid. They have tiny eyes, and the rest of him won’t be good to eat for a couple of days yet. When I felt you panicking, I came right away.”
“If you’re still hungry, Cooper said you could have his eyes.”
Ravenus stared open-beaked at Cooper. “I say, that’s very generous of him, but –”
“Just try it, Fucko,” said Cooper. “And I’ll be having roasted raven for dinner tonight.”
“Just everybody calm down,” said Dave. “We’ve just been through a traumatic experience, and we’re all a little testy.”
“Speak for your own little testes,” said Cooper.
“Shut up, Cooper,” said Tim. “Julian, have you chilled the fuck out yet?”
“Yeah, I’m okay,” said Julian. “Sorry, Ravenus. You can’t eat Cooper’s eyes.”
“Thank the gods,” said Ravenus. “I didn’t want to be rude, but he’s revolting.”
Tim and Dave giggled. Julian was impressed. He’d seen Ravenus tear into a week-old dead dog before, but even he was not immune to Cooper’s low Charisma score.
Cooper frowned at Tim and Dave. “What did he say?”
“He said ‘Aw, shucks’,” said Julian.
Cooper gave Ravenus a satisfied grin. “Tough luck, bird.”
“I’m sorry for losing my temper,” Julian said to Cooper. “I’m still hungover from last night.”
“Don’t sweat it, dude. I know what you mean. I think I’m still a little drunk.”
“I just can’t drink like I could when I was human.”
“That makes sense,” said Dave. “Elves take a penalty to their Constitution scores. It’s the same reason I can drink like ten times the amount any of you guys can. I feel fantastic.”
“That’s great,” said Tim. “Maybe you can find us a better way off of this mountain than the one Cooper found.”
“There was a stream not too far back,” said Dave. “If we follow that, it should eventually lead to the Bluerun river, which will take us back to Cardinia.”
Cooper frowned. “If we go back to the Whore’s Head empty-handed again, Frank will put me back on werewolf duty. Where the hell are all the monsters at anyway? We’ve been wandering around all day.”
“Don’t worry,” said Julian. “With any luck, we’ll get attacked by evil leprechauns on the way home.” He didn’t know what worried him more. That his statement was only mildly laced with sarcasm, or that he was really starting to consider the Whore’s Head Inn home.
The land here sloped so gently that they hadn’t even realized they were at a dangerous elevation until he and Cooper nearly fell off a cliff. Dave had a knack for noticing slight variances in topography… something to do with him being a dwarf. He led the group to the stream he’d spoken of earlier. It wasn’t much more than a trickle of water, but it flowed in a discernible direction, and that was the direction they followed.
About thirty minutes downstream, through the leafy curtain of some massive willow trees, the stream opened up into a lovely pool. About as wide around as Papa Joe’s Pizza, including the parking lot, the surface was covered in a green, slimy film, and dotted with enormous white flowers. It was the sort of place you’d take a hippie chick if you A.) wanted to make sure you got laid, and B.) wanted to see that she had some kind of a wash first. It was so perfectly hidden by the willows that, had they not been following the stream, they would have missed it entirely.
“Oh my God,” said Dave, his mouth an open cavern in his otherwise hairy face. The Bull Strength spell had worn off, and he was back to his normal size.
“I never would have thought something so beautiful could exist,” said Tim.
Cooper blew a double-barrel yellowish-gray snot bubble from his upturned nostrils. “They should have sent a poet.”
A film of green algae covered the surface of the water, punctuated here and there by some rather large flowers. Tim stepped toward the water, but Julian put a hand on his shoulder.
“What?” said Tim.
“You don’t know how deep that water is.”
“I can swim,” said Tim. “You only need to make a skill check if you’re fighting a current or being chased by monsters or something.”
“But there could be anything in there,” Julian insisted. “Sharks, krakens, dire trout.”
“Where the fuck are sharks going to come from?” asked Cooper. “The pool is fed from a mountain stream.”
Julian put his hands on his hips. “As if that would be the most nonsensical thing we’ve encountered in this stupid game.”
“I don’t know,” said Dave. “Dire trout might actually take the cake.”
Cooper picked Julian up and lifted him over his head.
“What the hell are you doing?” Julian cried.
“Fishing for dire trout,” said Cooper as he threw Julian into the pool.
Julian only barely managed to throw his bag away before smacking into the water. It was only about knee-high. He sat up, exposing crystal clear water beneath the algae. He supposed that maybe his concern about sharks was a little silly after all. And he had to admit that it felt good to wash the shit off of his head. But that didn’t make what Cooper did any less stupid or irresponsible.
“I have scrolls in my bag, you big idiot! What if they’d gotten wet?”
Cooper frowned. “Sorry.”
“How’s the water?” asked Dave, already beginning to unbuckle his armor.
“It’s not bad,” said Julian. “A little slimy on the s
urface, but clear and refreshing underneath.”
“Awesome,” said Tim, stripping off his vest, shirt, and pants. Julian averted his eyes and made a mental note to buy Tim some underwear. He’d seen all the tiny halfling dick he wanted to see.
Cooper waded in, tentatively at first, and then dove in with a huge belly flop. When he resurfaced, Julian threw a big glob of algae at his face.
Cooper wiped it off. “Oh you asked for it, elf!” Julian’s heart quickened as Cooper rushed at him. Ravenus flew down and started pecking on Cooper’s head.
“Ow!” Cooper shouted, trying to swat Ravenus away. “Call off your goddamn bird!”
“Ravenus, stop!” cried Julian. “We’re only playing.”
Ravenus disengaged from Cooper and perched on a willow branch. “Apologies, master. I felt genuine terror in your heart.
“That’s just my survival instinct kicking in,” said Julian. “I know in my heart that Cooper is my friend and would never hurt me, but when my brain sees a giant half-orc rushing toward me… um… it’s sort of like riding a roller coaster.”
“I’m afraid I’m not familiar with that term, sir.”
“Of course not,” said Julian. “Hmm… let’s see. Back where we come from, we sometimes –”
“You guys!” said Tim. “Look at the size of this flower!” He was standing waist deep next to the biggest lily Julian had ever seen. It was a blend of pink and lavender, about the size of a Volkswagen Beetle. The pad it rested on would probably support the four of them.
“Is it a dire lily?” asked Julian.
“Don’t be stupid,” said Tim. “It’s just a big flower.”
“Not every oversized thing in this world is dire,” said Dave, having finally shed all of his armor and wading into the pool. “Some things are just big. Oxygen levels or evolution or some shit like that.”
“Thanks, professor,” said Julian.
“Everyone shut up for a second,” said Tim, pressing his ear against the giant flower. “It’s humming.”
With his long elf ears, Julian didn’t need to be that close to hear the noise Tim was referring to. It sounded like a refrigerator. “Tim. Maybe you should step back.”
“Why would a flower be humming?” Tim mused distractedly.
Julian, though already a probably-safe distance from the flower, took a step back. “I don’t know, Tim. That’s why I think you ought to –”
His words were lost in an explosion of pollen. The hum-level grew from refrigerator to Vespa-with-a-faulty-muffler as a five-foot long bee flew out of the flower.
“Jesus!” cried Tim, falling back on his bare ass. His head barely poked out of the water.
“Dire bee!” shouted Julian.
“Giant bee,” said Dave.
“Oh shit!” said Julian as the bee lifted Tim out of the water. “Magic Missile!”
A golden bolt of energy blasted from his outstretched palm and hit the bee in its striped abdomen, spraying a cloud of pollen dust. The insect’s buzz grew sharper as it darted straight up in the air.
“Dammit!” said Julian. He raised his arm toward the bee again. “Magic Miss—”
Next thing he knew, he was underwater with Cooper on top of him. He struggled briefly, but ineffectively, until Cooper finally got off him.
“Sorry, dude,” said Cooper.
“What the fuck?” said Julian.
“They were too high,” said Cooper. “If you killed the bee, Tim would have fallen to his –”
“Wait,” said Julian.
Dave looked skyward. “Shouldn’t we be going after –”
“Shut up for a second!” Julian snapped at him. He hoped that he’d imagined the sound, but it was still there, and growing louder. “Guys. Get your weapons.”
“Huh?” said Cooper.
Julian sloshed through the water until he was on dry land. He picked up his quarterstaff. “Ravenus! Go after Tim. Do not attack the bee. Just follow it and report.”
“Right away, sir!” said Ravenus. He spread his big black wings and took to the air.
“You two idiots get out of the water!” Julian shouted at Dave and Cooper.
Cooper scratched his armpit. “Why do you –”
“BEES!”
Five giant bees rose out of the surrounding lilies.
“Oh fuck!” said Cooper, stomping and splashing through the water.
Dave, even unencumbered by his armor, was a good deal slower than Cooper. Two of the bees caught up to him and planted their pointy asses into his wet and hairy one.
“Yaaaaaaaooooo!” Dave howled. The bees’ wings stopped buzzing, and they fell dead in the water, leaving their stingers behind like daggers in Dave’s ass.
“Nice going, Dave!” said Cooper. “You took down two all by yourself!”
“Oh, my ass.” Dave whimpered. He closed his eyes and plucked the two stingers from his cheeks simultaneously.
Julian readied his quarterstaff home-run-derby-style for the bee which had homed in on him. His timing was perfect, and he smacked that bee right in its big stupid bee face.
The bee spun out of control through the air, disappearing through the willow branches. It was only out of sight for a second before it burst through the branches again, minus an eye and headed straight for Julian.
Julian threw his hand out toward it. “Buzz off!” he shouted as a Magic Missile flew from his open palm. The bee’s head exploded and its body crashed to the ground at Julian’s feet.
“Lame,” said Cooper, swatting his axe at the two bees which had chosen him as their target.
“Let’s see you do better,” said Julian.
“Hmm…” said Cooper, ducking under a bee attack. “Okay, I’ve got one.” He gripped his axe with both hands by the very bottom of the handle. “Two bees?” As the bees closed in, Cooper swung his axe sideways in a large arc, slicing straight through the face of the first bee and into the thorax of the other, killing them both instantly. “Or not two bees?” He looked at Julian and cocked an eyebrow. “That is the question.”
Julian considered it. “Okay, that was good, but only applicable in a very specific –”
“Holy shit!” said Cooper. “Check out the ghetto booty on Dave.”
Julian turned around. “Wha!” Dave’s ass was purple and swollen, like he’d just come out of the OR after having two watermelons implanted in it. “Jesus, Dave. Are you okay?”
“I don’t feel so hot.”
“You look like shit,” said Cooper. “Maybe you should sit down.”
Dave glared at him.
“On second thought, that’s probably not such a good idea.”
“Cooper, you help Dave get his armor back on,” said Julian. “I’m going after Tim.” He waved his arm in a circle. “Horse!”
A black mare popped into existence before him, saddled and ready to ride. Julian secured his right foot in the right stirrup and hefted himself onto the horse. “Go, horse!”
The horse bolted forward, coming to a full gallop in a matter of seconds. As experienced a rider as Julian’s elf character may have been, the real person inside was still unaccustomed to riding so fast on the back of such a large animal. He held the saddle horn with two white-knuckled hands while he tried to focus his mind on Ravenus. Fortunately, his empathic link with his familiar functioned like a GPS, and he was able to intuit the direction the bird was flying in. A few minutes later, he had visual contact.
Ravenus flew in wide circles around the struggling giant bee. The bee was flying slowly and erratically, but still very high. Julian guessed that while Tim was small enough for the bee to pick him up, he was still too heavy for it to make good time. The Magic Missile Julian had fired into its ass probably wasn’t doing it any favors either.
As Julian followed, the bee began to descend. The little bastard must have been all tuckered out. When it got low enough, Julian would finish it off with one more Magic Missile, grab Tim, and get back to the others. Hopefully that would all occur before it reach
ed its hive.
He followed the bee over one more hill and stopped his horse at the top. The bee was descending toward a deliberate destination, but it wasn’t a hive. It was a cottage. Two things immediately stood out as being peculiar about this cottage. The first was that it appeared to be made entirely of stone, and the second was that it was huge. It was at least twice the size of what a normal cottage should be, complete with proportionally large windows and doors.
The bee’s descent was toward the side of the house, where a series of large stone boxes, about the size of shipping containers, lay in a row. The stone boxes were surrounded by dozens of giant bees, some coming, some going, most just hovering around. Julian was about to just roll the dice with another Magic Missile when something – or someone – stepped out from the side of the house.
Whoever – or whatever – it was, it was easily twice as tall as Cooper, and maybe three times as tall as Julian. And it appeared to be wearing some kind of Hazmat suit.
Julian snapped his fingers, and the horse disappeared beneath him. He landed on his feet, but let himself fall the rest of the way down. This was not a time to go rushing in with naught but a quarterstaff and a few Magic Missiles. He stayed close to the ground and observed.
The huge man had a tiny metal bottle in his left hand. As he approached the stone boxes, he pulled the stopper out of the bottle, releasing a cloud of thick, white smoke. The bees coming in contact with the smoke stopped flying and settled down to sleep on the ground.
Having calmed the bees in the immediate vicinity, the man slid the lid off of one of the boxes and pulled back his meshed visor. His skin was as grey and rough as the stone his house was made from. He was completely bald. His eyes and cheeks were sunken, giving him a most severe face, like a statue of a king who had not enjoyed his reign. He dipped a gloved finger into the box. When he pulled it out again, it was coated in a thick golden –
“No fucking way,” Julian whispered to himself, not believing what he was seeing. “A dire fucking beekeeper.”
“Mmmm,” said the beekeeper, licking his finger. “That’s the stuff. Good work, little bees. You’ve outdone your—what’s this?” His attention was on the bee carrying Tim. He held out one hand under the bee, and with the other hand he waved the smoking bottle around. The bee dropped Tim into the big man’s palm and flew sluggishly into the open box. Tim started choking violently in the smoke until the beekeeper stoppered the bottle and blew the lingering smoke away.