by Robert Bevan
“Thank you,” said Tim. His next words were a little muffled, which Julian guessed was due to a mouthful of cheese. “Look, I’m sorry for your recent loss, but I can’t replace your child.”
“You do not understand,” said Thorak. “We have suffered no loss. My wife suffers from a condition which makes her unable to bear a child. It has maddened her with grief. She prays to the gods every night. It breaks my heart to watch her suffer so.”
“Hold on,” said Tim. “If the problem is a physical one, then why the fuck is she lactating?”
“Mind your tongue, halfling,” said Thorak. His voice carried a not-so-subtle warning. “It’s just one more symptom of the same condition. The gods can be cruelly ironic. True, ’tis a continuously painful reminder of our plight, but it makes for a fine cheese.”
The sound that followed was either a paper bag full of marshmallows exploding or Tim spitting out a mouthful of cheese. Julian guessed the latter.
“Fucking hell, man!” said Tim. “You might want to give a guy a heads up before you feed him your wife’s tit cheese!”
“Speak not such foul words under my roof! You are unfit to bear my blessed father’s name!”
“I didn’t ask for your fucking father’s name,” said Tim. “Just like I didn’t ask to be dressed in a diaper or suck spackling paste from your batshit crazy wife’s tit.”
Tim was starting to lose his shit. Julian had seen this happen before. His little mouth was about to get him killed.
“I’m warning you, halfling!”
“Take your best shot, Kojak.”
“Another word and I’ll feed you to the queen bee myse—”
“What’s all the commotion in here?” Greta had entered the room again.
“Our little Krum is cranky,” said Thorak. “Perhaps it’s time for a nap.”
“Perhaps it’s time for you to eat my ass, Daddy Warbucks,” said Tim.
“Did he just call you Daddy?” said Greta.
“How is that the only word you heard, you crazy bitch!”
“On second thought,” said Thorak. “Perhaps he’s finally hungry.”
That shut Tim up real quick.
“Would you look at that!” said Greta. “You were right, dear. He’s all tuckered out. You’ve taken to fatherhood quite well.”
There was some moving of furniture, and then Thorak spoke softly. Even with his improved hearing, Julian had to crawl closer to the window and strain his ears to hear.
“Now there’s a good lad. Get some sleep. Daddy has to go to town on business for a couple of days. When I come back, maybe I’ll teach you how to tend the bees.”
“Oh, must you really leave today?” said Greta. “Our son has only just arrived.”
“All the more reason for me to handle my affairs responsibly,” said Thorak. “I’m not the only beekeeper in the realm. If I displease my customers, they’ll get their honey from one of my competitors.”
“But what if the perverts come back?” She didn’t sound frightened exactly. If Julian had to guess, he’d say she almost sounded hopeful.
“I have shown them mercy once. The gods are appeased. Should they choose to ignore my warning, you may chop them up and feed them to the queen with a clear conscience.”
The good news was that, if they waited a little while, there should be only one stone giant to deal with.
The bad news was that, even after encountering the group’s two strongest fighters, the giants saw absolutely nothing in the way of a threat. The only concern Greta had with being left without her husband was a question of the morality of using them as bee food.
Julian sat back and sorted through his scrolls. He always kept a few extra Magic Missiles handy, but he’d already ruled those out. He had a Mage Armor, which he’d definitely use if it came to a fight, but it wasn’t helpful in formulating a plan.
Grease? No.
Ventriloquism? No.
Mount? Always good for the getaway, but not so useful for the rescue.
Feather Fall? He’d be using that one shortly.
Enlarge Person? Hmm…. He might be able to enlarge Cooper, and then he could keep her busy while the rest of them ran off with Tim. No, that plan sucked. Judging by the size of the rocks that dude was throwing, even an enlarged Cooper would be no match for a stone giant. He’d just be swapping out Cooper for Tim, and Cooper was the sort of baby that a mother would just feed to the bees. Now if he had a Reduce Person, they might all be able to grapple with her, tie her up or something, and then make a break for it. But he didn’t have one, so there was no point in dwelling on that.
Julian frowned as he rolled up the scrolls except for the Feather Fall and packed them back into his bag. Dave and Cooper were more experienced in this game. Maybe they would be able to come up with something.
He listened carefully for movement within the house. When he judged it safe enough to do so, he whispered the incantation to the Feather Fall spell. As he spoke them, the words disappeared from the parchment. He jumped off the roof, and his stomach lurched as he dropped at a conventional falling speed. He thought he’d screwed up, but five feet into his descent, the spell took effect, and he glided gently to the ground. He ran as fast as he could away from the stone giant house.
Julian scanned the uneven terrain for signs of his friends. As if reading his mind, Ravenus took to the air to serve as a beacon for Julian to locate Dave and Cooper. As Julian got closer to the position beneath Ravenus’s holding pattern, he no longer required the bird’s service. He could find their position by sound alone, because they were making a hell of a lot of it. Banging and clanging, as if they were trying to tunnel through stone with a frying pan.
He was almost right on top of them when he finally made visual contact. They were crouched down, hiding behind a five-foot outcrop. He winced at the sight of Dave’s huge, purple ass. He was completely naked now, banging on something with a rock.
“What the hell are you guys doing?” asked Julian. “I could hear you a mile away.”
Dave stopped his task. “I’m pounding out the dent that big bastard put in my breastplate.”
“Are you okay?”
“Yeah, but it was close. I think my sternum was touching my spine.”
“Ouch.”
“I had to use up all of my Heal spells.”
“All of them?”
“I’ve still got a couple of zero-levels left, but yeah. And, wouldn’t you know, they didn’t do a goddamn thing to bring down the swelling in my ass.”
“Well I’ve got some good news,” said Julian. “The husband is leaving tonight to go sell honey in town, so we only have the wife to deal with.”
“Great!” said Dave. “Now it’ll take a full twelve seconds for us all to die instead of six.”
“Maybe try to be a little more constructive?” Julian suggested.
“We can’t take on a stone giant,” said Dave. “We simply aren’t high enough level for that.”
Julian opened his bag. “Then we’ll have to think of something else.”
As the sun descended toward the western horizon, Julian, Dave, Cooper, and Ravenus discussed different options, taking into account Julian’s repertoire of spells and the magic smoke bottle. It wasn’t exactly a Mensa meeting, though, and they didn’t come up with much more than Julian had thought of on his own.
“Dave could stand in the doorway,” said Cooper. “You cast Enlarge Person on him so that he gets stuck, blocking her exit. We grab Tim through the window and make a break for it.”
“You’re such an ass,” said Dave.
“You’re one to talk, J-Lo.”
“Cooper!” said Julian. “That’s brilliant!”
“The J-Lo thing? Thanks, but he kinda walked right into it.”
“No, the Enlarge Person thing.”
“You know what?” said Dave. “Fuck the both of you. Tim’s in real trouble, and you guys have got nothing better to do than make fun of me?”
Julian ignored him. �
�Ravenus, fly back to the house and stake it out. As soon as the big guy leaves, come back and report.”
“Roger that, sir!” said Ravenus, and he launched into the darkening sky.
While they waited, Julian shared his new idea with Dave and Cooper and the three of them worked out some of the kinks. It wasn’t foolproof by any means, and would actually put them in a much worse situation if Julian’s timing was off. But they all agreed it was the best chance they had.
*
Under the cover of darkness, they approached the cottage. Greta was humming softly and Tim was weeping openly.
Wearing nothing but a coil of rope, Cooper took his position below the window of the room Greta and Tim were in.
Dave nakedly walked around to the other side of the house and stood outside the kitchen window.
Julian stood outside the front door, unrolled the scroll in his sweaty hands, licked his dry lips, and nodded to Ravenus, perched up on the roof.
“Caw!” said Ravenus. It was the agreed-upon signal, for Cooper’s benefit.
Shortly after, Cooper began shouting the famous Bourbon Street chant.
“Show your tits! Show your tits!”
“What in the name of the gods?” said Greta. “You again!”
“Show your tits! Show your tits!”
“How dare you show your face again! You will rue this day!” Only a little more calmly, she spoke to Tim. Julian could only just make out what she was saying over Cooper’s chanting. “You stay here, Krum. Mommy will take care of that filthy pervert.”
Julian felt the earth tremble slightly as she stomped through the house, and that’s when Dave joined in the chanting.
“Show your tits! Show your tits!”
“The nerve of you!” Greta screamed. “Why can you not leave decent people alone? Oh, the bees shall eat well in the coming weeks. I can promise you that!”
The ground shook more violently with each step she took closer to Julian. His hands were trembling so much that he could barely make out the magical writing on the scroll. He took a deep breath to calm himself, and then heard the latch being undone on the other side of the door.
“Enlarge Person!” Julian shouted as soon as the door swung open.
“Wha!” screamed Greta and slammed the door shut. He must have startled her.
“Did it work?” shouted Dave.
“I don’t know,” Julian shouted back. “She closed the –”
A foot crashed through the window next to the door. It was almost as long as Julian was tall, but surprisingly feminine for a foot so large.
“Um…” said Julian. “Yeah, it worked.” He ran around to Cooper’s side of the house in time to see Tim climbing up the rope and out of the window.
“Horse!” said Julian. A sturdy grey horse appeared before him.
“Horse!” he said again, and a brown horse appeared next to the grey one.
“What the hell are those for?” asked Dave, coming around the corner. “Let’s just walk. She’s not going anywhere.”
“There’s something I forgot to mention,” Julian lied. “That spell is only going to last for a minute.” That part wasn’t a lie at all.
“What the fuck, man!” cried Dave. “I can’t ride a horse. Look at my ass!”
“Hey Dave,” said Cooper.
“What?”
Cooper punched Dave in the face.
“What the fu—”
Cooper punched him again, this time knocking him out cold. “Let’s go.” Cooper mounted the grey horse, leaned over, and picked up Dave by the arm.
Julian and Tim mounted the brown horse, and they galloped back toward the pool by the willow trees.
“Come back here, you filthy perverts!” Greta screamed after them. “Come back with my son!” Gradually her screams faded as the group lengthened their distance from her. She was fast, but she wasn’t horse fast.
When they reached the pool, Cooper tossed Dave’s unconscious body into the water. A few seconds later, Dave was on his feet, coughing and cursing.
“My fucking face!” he cried, covering his face with his hands.
“Your ass feel better?” said Cooper.
“I really hate you, Cooper,” said Dave. “And thanks.”
“Don’t mention it.”
“Are you okay, Tim?” asked Julian.
“Physically, I’m fine,” said Tim. “But psychologically, I don’t know. That was pretty messed up.”
“Oh boo-hoo,” said Cooper. “Poor little Tim had to suck on giant titties all day.”
“Dude, they dressed me in a diaper!” Tim spread his arms out to show off the thick, white, fluffy fabric wrapped around his waist. “It was humiliating.”
Cooper waved his hand dismissively at Tim. “You’re describing some men’s wildest fantasies.”
Everyone stared silently at Cooper.
“What?” he said defensively. “Not necessarily mine. I’m just sayin’.”
Julian suddenly remembered the smoking bottle and took it out of his bag.
“Is that the smoking bottle the giant was using?” asked Tim.
“Yeah.”
“Nice grab.”
“I’m sending it back.”
“Like fuck you are!” said Tim.
“I don’t feel right keeping it,” said Julian. “Thorak needs this for his livelihood.
“For his lively—” Tim stammered. “Thorak? When the hell did you two become such good buddies?”
“I feel sorry for them,” said Julian.
“They just tried to murder you and feed you to bees!” cried Tim. “They put me in a diaper and sexually assaulted me! Dave, Cooper, are you listening to this bullshit?”
Dave frowned and averted his eyes from Tim’s glare. “I don’t know.”
“Have a heart, man,” said Cooper. “She just lost a son.”
Tim shook his head. “Un-fucking-believable. Fine. Do whatever you want. Let’s make absolutely sure that this entire expedition was another glorious waste of time.”
Julian secured the bottle to the brown horse’s saddle and gave instructions to the horse. “Go that way. Stop when you reach the house.” The horse ran off into the night. About a minute later, way off in the distance, Julian heard the dreaded equine scream and knew that he had once again sent an innocent magical horse to its death. He was pretty sure it was far enough away such that the others wouldn’t have heard it, so he mourned his short-lived companion in silence.
“We should get moving,” said Julian.
Dave and Cooper scavenged Tim’s clothes, which were barely sufficient to cover their junk. Tim remained in his diaper. Only Julian was fully clothed as they walked back to Cardinia.
Tim reached into the folds of his diaper and pulled out a large hunk of white cheese. “I grabbed this before I left, if anyone’s hungry.”
“Nice!” said Dave, smiling through his blood-crusted beard.
“Oh hell yes!” said Cooper. “I’m hungry as fuck.”
Julian smiled at Tim and politely declined.
The End.
Cooper’s Christmas Carol
A low level Caverns and Creatures mini-adventure.
(Original Publication Date: December 22, 2013)
Cooper grimaced down at the dead boar he carried under his right arm. Ravenus had eaten its eyes, but Cooper still felt like the boar was looking back at him, mocking him, with the inside of his testicle even now drying on its tusk. Dave’s Heal spell had repaired Cooper’s nuts well enough, but it hadn’t done anything for the lumpy rash spreading out from his left armpit. That much, at least, he couldn’t blame on the boar. Still, fuck boars.
Nobody else was in any better a mood as they trudged back to the Whore’s Head Inn. A boar was good for a bit of food. And to be fair, this was a decent-sized boar. But it wasn’t treasure. It wasn’t a prize the four of them could hold their heads up high while offering. It was a notch above a completely wasted day. Cooper knew this. But just in case he didn’t, Tim had m
entioned it about forty thousand times since they started back home.
“Frank is going to be pissed,” said Tim. “Four guys. Twelve hours. That’s forty-eight man-hours, and what have we got to show for it? A pig.”
“It’s not all that bad,” said Julian. “Look at the size of it. That’s enough meat to feed the whole pub for a couple of days.”
“Look at that thing,” Tim snapped. “Half of its hair is missing. It was coughing up blood before we even attacked it. It’s obviously riddled with disease and parasites. And that’s not even taking into account that it’s been marinating in Cooper’s pit-juice for the past hour and a half.”
“Still,” said Dave. “It’s not like we’re coming back completely empty-handed.”
Hopefully, Tony the Elf would be on door duty when they arrived. They didn’t exactly like one another, but at least he didn’t fuck around with secret passwords and all that kind of bullshit like Gorgonzola. He’d just slide the window open, roll his eyes like he was hoping you had died out there, and then open the door. Cooper didn’t need a warm welcome. What he needed was a cold beer… maybe a shot of stonepiss.
When they arrived ten minutes later, the question of who was on door duty turned out to be moot. The door was wide open, with four dumbasses trying to shove a pine tree through it.
“What the hell are you guys doing?” said Cooper.
“Oh, good!” said a dwarf whose name Cooper had forgotten. “Could you give us a hand?”
“I can give you a foot in the ass if you don’t get that fucking tree out of my way.” Cooper didn’t like many of the dwarves at the Whore’s Head Inn, but he couldn’t quite put his finger on why. Dave was easy enough to figure out. He didn’t like Dave because Dave sucked. But he didn’t have that specific a reason not to like the guy asking him to help move the tree. The best he could come up with was that the game dictated that half-orcs and dwarves just didn’t get along. He didn’t like that explanation because it made him feel like a racist.
“You don’t have to be a dick about it,” said the elf who called himself Scorn. “Come on. We don’t need his help.”