by Robert Bevan
“Who the hell were those people?” asked Dave once they were on the road back to Chester’s farm.
“Forget about them,” said Tim. “What’s the last thing you remember before blacking out?”
“Corn,” said Dave. “And there was a hole.”
Tim’s lips quivered. He pressed them together tight.
“Cornhole,” said Cooper.
Laughter and snot exploded out of Tim’s nose.
“Fuck you guys,” said Dave, waddling ahead of the group. “I’m suffering here.”
“Dammit, Cooper,” said Tim, wiping his sleeve across his face. “There’s a lot of money riding on this. We need to know what’s down there. Julian, you think you could use some Diplomacy on him?”
“Screw that!” said Dave. “Stay the hell out of my head with your stupid Diplomacy. I’ll tell you what I can remember as it comes back to me.”
Tim ran to catch up with Dave. “You saw something in the hole. Some kind of creature. You told us you weren’t alone down there, and that we needed to pull the rope.”
“Yeah, I remember,” said Dave. “It looked like a fat Komodo dragon, except that it had eight legs.”
“I knew it!” said Tim. “A basilisk. I totally called that.”
“There was a door on the other side of the room.”
“Of course there was,” said Tim. “We accidentally stumbled into the treasure room of someone’s secret lair.”
“Please don’t say you want to go explore the rest of it,” said Julian.
“Fuck no!” said Tim. “Anyone with that much gold and a pet basilisk to guard it would kick the shit out of us. We need to go back in the way we came, keep our eyes closed, get the gold, and get the fuck back out of there.”
“Dude,” said Dave. “That lizard thing was big.”
“They aren’t very aggressive,” said Tim. “And they’re lazy. If we don’t mess with it, it’ll probably leave us alone.”
“I’ll admit it didn’t look terribly ferocious,” said Dave. “But I don’t know if I’m willing to gamble my life on having to fight it with my eyes closed. I mean, what if there are more of them? What if we get caught by whoever lives in the –“
“Something’s wrong!” Julian felt an intense, non-physical tug, like his soul had just been kicked in the nuts. “Ravenus!”
“What’s wrong with him?” asked Dave.
“I don’t know,” said Julian. “Maybe he’s hurt. I don’t know.”
“Maybe he looked at the basilisk.”
Cooper laughed. “Stupid bird.”
“Goddamnit,” said Tim. “If we have to pay to get that fucking bird unfrozen, it’s coming out of your cut.”
“I have to go,” said Julian. He ran ahead of the group as fast as he could.
“Wait!” said Tim. “Shit! Come on, Cooper. Let’s go.”
“Come on, guys!” said Dave. “Wait for me!”
Julian’s heart was pounding by the time he reached the cornfield. He had a compulsion to go to the farmhouse. His gut told him that’s where he would find Ravenus.
Figuring he’d get to the house much quicker by going through the field, rather than around it, he turned sharply and barreled through the first stalks of corn. Inertia carried him pretty far, and stubborn determination carried him still farther. By the time he realized that going around the field would have been the quicker option, it was too late. Doubling back and going around would take even more time than just continuing on his way.
“Shit!”
“Get out of the way!” Cooper called from behind him.
Julian stepped aside as Cooper rushed past him, smashing down cornstalks without sacrificing hardly any speed at all.
“Why good evening there, gentlemen!” said Chester once they had made it through the maize. He was sitting on the top step of his back porch. “You know I thought you fellers might turn up. I had Gertie make us up some more lemonade. How goes the hunt?”
“You son of a bitch!” said Julian. “Where’s Ravenus?”
“I beg your pardon?”
“My familiar!”
“Oh, you must mean the bird,” said Chester. “Don’t you worry ‘bout him. He’s just fine. He’s takin’ a little nap inside.”
Julian stomped toward the porch stairs. “You’d better bring him to me right now, or else I’ll –“
“Easy there, son.” Chester stood up, not exactly brandishing his crossbow, but making certain it was visible. “Else that little nap might turn into a very long one.”
“You think that crossbow scares me?” said Julian. “I’ve been shot before. How much of a match do you think you are against the three of us? Well… four once Dave shows up.”
“It appears you are correct,” said Chester, his toothy grin never faltering. “You have me severely outnumbered and outmatched.” He scratched at the stubble on his chin. “And yet here I am, not in the least bit afraid. Now why might that be?”
“Fuck this,” said Cooper, stepping forward. “Let me just pound some sense into this little bitch.”
“Stop!” said Julian. Chester had a point. He was way too confident given his apparent odds should it come to a fight. He was rich, and this was a world full of magic and monsters and shit that Julian didn’t know anything about. “What do you want?”
“Come on up and set down a spell, and we’ll talk.”
“Fine.”
Julian, Tim, and Cooper took their places on the carpet behind glasses of lemonade which had already been set out for them. Two more glasses were unaccompanied. One was presumably meant for Dave, and the other for Chester himself.
“Where’s the other feller?” asked Chester. “The little fat one?”
“Dave will be along shortly,” said Tim.
Cooper snorted. “Good one.”
Tim glared at Cooper, and then turned back to Chester. “He’s slow.”
Chester stood against the railing and peered out into the corn. “That’s all right. We got all the time in the world.” He held his crossbow conspicuously behind his back. “Hey gobber!” he shouted. “Yeah, that’s right, you. Get on over here. I think I dropped somethin’.”
Cooper snarled quietly and began to stand up. Julian kept him at bay with a hand on his knee.
“I’m not going to sit here and watch him shoot another goblin in the face,” whispered Cooper. “If he pulls that bow, I’m gonna make him eat it.”
“Take it easy,” said Julian. “We don’t know that he’s going to – Tim!” he said as quietly as he could while still conveying his alarm and disapproval. “What the hell are you doing?”
Tim was dipping a torn scrap of dirty white fabric into one of the unaccompanied glasses of lemonade. He looked at Julian and placed his finger over his lips.
“That’s right!” said Chester. “Right down there.” The next thing Julian heard was the unmistakable splatter of urine hitting a surface from a significant height.
“That mother fucker,” whispered Julian, pressing down harder on Cooper’s even more resisting knee. He looked at Cooper. “Still, it’s not worth getting anyone killed over.”
“Woo hoo!” cackled Chester. “Gotcha!”
“Yes sir, Mister Chester,” said the goblin from below with poorly feigned enthusiasm. “You done got me real good.”
“What… the hell… is going on?” said Dave between panting breaths.
“We’s just havin’ a bit of fun is all,” said Chester, giving his dick a vigorous shake. “Get on up here and join your friends.”
Julian nudged Tim’s arm. Tim nodded, pulled the scrap of fabric out of the lemonade, and shoved it in his pocket just before Chester turned to face them.
Chester took a seat next to Tim, behind the glass of tainted lemonade. Dave took the place between Chester and Cooper.
Chester raised his glass and grinned. “To new business opportunities!”
“I’m not interested in new business opportunities,” said Julian. “I just want my bird back
.”
“Well I am interested,” said Chester. “And if you want to see that bird again, you best tell me what you all was haulin’ between them two horses earlier today.”
Shit. He must have spotted them leaving from his flying carpet. Julian was prepared to give up the gold, and was pretty sure that his relationship with Tim would recover after enough time had passed, but he was only willing to do that as a last resort. “That wasn’t anything,” he lied. “We were just… um…”
“It was gold,” said Tim.
“Tim!” said Dave and Cooper. Julian, too, was surprised. He wasn’t sure what was going on in Tim’s head, but he was pretty sure he could rule out concern for Ravenus and respect for other people’s property.
“And there’s plenty more where it came from.”
“Well well now,” said Chester. “Seems the little runt knows his place.”
“Here’s the business opportunity I propose,” said Tim. “We take you to the vault hidden under your cornfield, and you give us the bird and let us go on our way. We keep the money we’ve already stashed away, and we never see each other again.”
Tim’s lie about them having money stashed away confirmed Julian’s suspicion that he was working some kind of angle.
Chester frowned. “I must say I don’t much like the idea of a couple of husk suckers like yourselves stealin’ money off my property and gettin’ away with it, but I’m man enough to admit when I don’t have the upper hand. I’ll accept your proposal.”
Tim smiled and raised his glass. He and Chester clinked their glasses together and drank deeply.
“I want Ravenus first,” said Julian. Whatever Tim had in mind, this was a point Julian intended to stay firm on.
“Aye,” said Chester. “I’ll get your bird. Just remember though. You folks try to double-cross me, and I got o’er a hundred gobbers says you won’t make it out of that cornfield alive.”
Julian looked at Tim. Tim nodded.
“Deal,” said Julian. He clinked his glass against Chester’s, and they both drank. It burned going down. The mix had to be at least forty percent cornpiss.
Cooper needed neither an invitation nor a clinked glass to start drinking. His glass was already empty.
Chester stood up and opened the door. “I’ll just go and grab us a bit more refreshment.” Julian started to speak, but Chester cut him off. “Yes, and your gods damned bird too.”
Julian waited until the door closed behind him. “What the hell was that you were dipping in Chester’s drink?”
“A scrap of Nutcracker’s shirt,” said Tim. “He said it was poisoned.”
“Are you out of your mind?”
“What? Fuck that guy. He’s an asshole.”
“That was your big plan?” said Julian. “We poison him and run off with the gold? How can you be so stupid!”
“I’ve got an Intelligence score of 17!” said Tim.
“Fuck your Intelligence score,” Julian snapped back at him. “That guy is an established member of the community. He’s rich. If there’s an investigation and we get caught, are you going to gamble all our lives on the ‘He was an asshole’ defense?”
“Relax,” said Tim. “That’s not enough to kill him. He’ll just think he ate some dodgy fish or undercooked meat or something.”
“Wait,” said Dave. “If you weren’t trying to kill him, doesn’t the whole plan fall apart?”
“I never said anything about killing him being a part of the plan,” said Tim. “I just poisoned his drink for fun.”
“That’s kinda fucked up,” said Cooper.
“So what’s the plan then?” asked Dave.
Tim shrugged. “We take Chester to the gold.”
Cooper frowned. “This plan sucks.”
“I wasn’t finished,” said Tim. “When –“
The door creaked open as Chester stepped out backwards. In his left hand he held a full pitcher of lemonade. In his right he held a bird cage. He farted.
“Excuse me,” he said, uncharacteristically embarrassed. “Dunno what’s got into me.” He handed Julian the cage. Ravenus lay flat on his side.
“What’s wrong with him?” asked Julian.
“He’ll be alright,” said Chester. “I just gave him a little sleep aid is all.”
“You poisoned my bird?” Julian glance quickly at Tim to acknowledge the smug grin he knew was waiting for him.
“I ain’t poisoned nothin’,” said Chester. “It’s just a harmless sleeping potion. He’s a noisy critter, he is.”
“It’s true,” agreed Cooper.
“Shut up, Cooper,” said Julian.
“Gentlemen,” said Chester. “I believe we’s gonna have to take this next round to go. Somethin’ don’t sit quite right in my belly.” He sat down and placed his palm flat on the carpet. It rose with a jerk. Cooper rescued the pitcher of lemonade from tipping over and poured himself another glass.
The carpet swerved and dipped as Chester struggled distractedly to follow Tim’s directions. The ride this time wasn’t smooth like it had been before. It was like a roller coaster, but with neither a track nor the implied guarantee that you weren’t going to fall off and die. Julian held onto Ravenus’s cage. Dave held onto Julian’s leg. Cooper, to his credit, attempted to crane his neck over the front edge of the carpet as he vomited, but everyone wound up getting a little taste of the spray. Tim spilled his cornpiss lemonade onto his crotch, but Julian had a sneaking suspicion that he did it on purpose to conceal a crotchful of actual piss. Chester’s face was red and sweaty when the carpet finally touched down near the huge, dead ankheg. Julian was happy to be on solid ground again.
“Go on now,” said Chester, stumbling off of the carpet. “Where’s this treasure you –“ He stopped mid-stride, clutching his gut and shutting his eyes tight. His cheeks ballooned as he puffed out long, controlled breaths. “God’s be damned! What did that woman put in the porridge?”
“It’s right down in that hole,” said Tim. “We’ll just be on our way then?”
“Ha!” said Chester. He wiped a hand across his forehead. It came away dripping with sweat. “Nice try, half-stalk. You fellers first.” With obvious effort, he waved Tim ahead with his crossbow.
“Okay,” said Tim. “Gentlemen?” When he had the rest of the group’s attention, but while Chester was still distracted by his own intestinal problems, Tim closed his eyes and held them shut for a few seconds. Julian and Dave nodded their understanding.
“Dude,” said Cooper. “Wake the fuck up. This is no time for – ow!” Julian kicked him in the calf. He looked down at Julian.
Julian blinked his eyes hard three times, and left them shut for an entire second on the fourth blink.
“Oh…” said Cooper. Julian could only hope he got the message.
“We can get a move on whenever you two cock munchers are done battin’ eyes at one another.”
Shit! Julian had been caught. Chester seemed to have regained a bit of his composure. Distraction!
“Um…” said Julian. “Don’t your insults usually have a corn theme to them?”
Chester shrugged. “There’s only so much you can do with corn.”
Cooper sighed. “And I bet you’ve done it all.”
“All right, smart guy,” said Chester. “You first!” He pointed his crossbow at Cooper. Get on down that –“ He doubled over in pain. “I swear I’m gonna kill that bitch.”
“Come on,” said Tim. “Let’s get this over with.” He hopped down into the ankheg tunnel that led down to the underground chamber.
Dave followed after Tim. Julian removed Ravenus from the cage and tucked him into a shirt pocket, snugly under his serape, just in case he should wake up at an inopportune moment and happen to make eye contact with a basilisk. He stepped down into the tunnel. Cooper stepped in behind him, followed by Chester.
“Any you fellers bring a torch?” asked Chester. “I can’t see shit down here.”
“Why don’t you be the light holder?
” asked Julian. “It’s safer for you that way.”
After some labored breathing, Chester said, “Fine. Just hurry it up.”
“Light,” said Julian as he touched the tip of the bolt loaded into Chester’s crossbow. He hoped that Chester might think twice before shooting anyone, lest he lose their only source of light.
“Right down there,” said Tim once they had reached the square hole in the chamber ceiling. “Enough gold to double your acreage.”
“Why don’t you hop down there first so I know it’s safe?”
“I’d be happy to,” said Tim. He handed Cooper one end of his rope. “Hold this.”
Cooper found some decent footholds and planted his feet firmly on the dirt. Tim fed the rope through his hands and gripped it tight before hopping down into the hole.
The rope pulled taut, and only slackened again once Tim had touched the floor below them.
“I can’t believe there’s all this gold in one place!” said Tim. “I just want to dump it all out and swim in it!”
Chester had heard enough. “Alright, it’s my turn.” He grabbed the rope and wrapped it around his wrist a few times. “Now you just lower me in. I ain’t so spritely as that young feller. I’d most likely break a hip, hoppin’ down there the way he done.”
Cooper lowered the rope until it started to slacken again.
“This your idea of a joke, son?” asked Chester.
“Huh?” said Tim.
“Where’s the gold?”
“What do you mean?” asked Tim. “You can’t see it?”
“There ain’t nothin’ to see,” said Chester. “Why are your eyes closed?”
“They’re still adjusting to the sudden change of light,” said Tim. “What do you mean there’s nothing to see?”
“I mean there ain’t no gods damned gold!” said Chester. “Only a couple ugly gobber statues.
“Shit!” Tim said what Julian was thinking.
“Boy, I’m warnin’ you!” said Chester. “You don’t play games with me, or else I’ll –“ He groaned. “Gods be damned, I can’t hold it in anymore. Do me a favor and turn around, would you?”
“Uh… yeah,” said Tim.
After a series of precursory farts, Chester groaned like he was having a sword slowly pulled out of his gut.