I don't know what I'd do if Allie and Laura weren't so comfortable with this part of the business. Sometimes it feels as if they're holding me up and pulling me through these times. But I guess that's okay. It's like we've all got our gifts. And while I'm gifted at the creative end, I need some serious help with the rest. And that's probably a good thing.
HANDS AND FEET
we are all just pieces
elbows, feet, and toes
each one has a purpose
ears and eyes and nose
one without the other
what good does it do?
hands without the fingers
not much use, it's true
but we're all connected
Jesus is the head
the heartbeat comes from heaven
when it's done and said
only God unites us
makes us work together
giving Him the glory
today until forever
cm
Sunday, October 17
(DAY OF REST IN DALLAS)
We have a concert in ibrt Worth on Tuesday, then we practice until the big event in Dallas on Saturday. Willy took us to church this morning. An old music friend of his is the pastor there, and Willy had specifically asked his buddy not to mention that we (Redemption) were visiting his church. I fot that anyone would care since we haven't done a concert in their area yet, and it's not like we're that well-known. But I must admit, it was a relief to go someplace without everyone knowing who we were or making a big deal about us. I felt like I could actually breathe. Not to mention worship. It's not that I can't worship God when people are glancing at me from down the pew, and I actually believe that I do worship God when I'm onstage performing, but it's different somehow. I guess I miss the kind of worship I was able to participate in back home, back when I was just a member of an ordinary congregation.
Sometimes it scares me to think that I may never get back to that ordinary sort of life. It's not that I don't want Redemption to do well and even become famous. In some ways I do. Especially when it comes to performing my music and having it appreciated by the audiences. But still, there's a price you must pay. Sometimes I wonder how willing I really am to pay it. And I suppose that scares me.
PRICE OF FAME
we want it all, or so we say
but what gets lost along the way?
along the road to riches, fame
we know we'll never be the same
we start like this, but then we change
our lives completely rearrange
how can we add up what it cost?
how do we measure what is lost?
what is the price, what is our fate?
can we turn back, is it too late?
is this the way we want to live?
is this the best that we can give?
there is the One who gave His all
He paid the price, He took the fall
for all He gave, what did He earn?
what did they pay Him in return?
and so i'll give my everything
each day i live, each time i sing
but not for wealth and not for fame
i'll give to glorify His name
cm
Thursday, October 21
(DOWN AND OUT IN DALLAS)
Dallas is one of the wealthiest cities in the United States, or so I've been told. But here's what I've noticed—and to be fair, I've noticed this in every big city we've been through—I've seen homeless people everywhere. I don't mean everywhere, as in on every street. But I've seen them in every city. Sometimes they're panhandling by the hotels we stay in. Or sometimes you just see them clustered on a corner, and you can tell they're homeless by their clothes and their hangdog expressions. At least I can.
I'm sure it's easy for some people to miss them. Laura and Allie don't really seem to notice them at all. I know this for a fact because I've mentioned this to them several times, and they both act as if I'm overreacting or imagining things. But the truth is, I seem to see them everywhere. I remind myself of that kid in “The Sixth Sense” who said, “I see dead people.” Except I see homeless people. And I know they're not invisible. But that's how it feels sometimes. It's like no one else even sees them.
And that really bothers me. I think it bothers me even more because so many of them seem to be about my age or thereabouts. What are they doing on the streets? They look perfectly miserable to me. Why don't they just go home? Okay, I'm not stupid, and I know it's not that simple. Life never is. But seeing these kids has got me thinking about my oldest brother, Caleb. I wonder if he's hanging out on the streets like that, and that cuts deep into my heart.
Okay, this is what I remember about Caleb. He was kind and gentle and had the most beautiful brown eyes. He liked playing soccer in the backyard with me and helping me with homework, and I don't remember him ever teasing me or being mean. I would never admit this to anyone, but as a kid I think I loved Caleb more than Josh. Caleb is about two and half years older than Josh, which makes him almost twenty-four now. I haven't seen him for about three years, and whenever I think of him I get extremely sad. And for that reason I suppose I try not to think of him too much, although I do pray for him daily.
The last time I saw Caleb was when he came home for Christmas, back when I was thirteen— just a year before I went through my rebellious streak. Anyway, by then Caleb had been in college for about a year, and I'd noticed how much he'd changed. He'd gone off looking like the Caleb I'd always known—clean-cut and athletic—but he returned with scraggly hair and looking a little gnarly around the edges.
My parents didn't realize it was drugs to start with. But when he got suspended from school for smoking grass and consequently lost his football scholarship, they both got very upset. Ky dad told him to get a job and save up his own college tuition money. And I thought that was what he'd been doing all that year.
But when Caleb came home for Christmas the following year, we all knew something was really wrong. It's as if he'd undergone a complete personality change—he looked burnt-out, hardly smiled, and even seemed to be a little paranoid every time the phone rang or someone came to the door. It was weird, finally, on Christmas Eve, he asked my parents to loan him some money.
“I need to get a car,” he explained. “So I can get a good job, you know, and start saving for college.”
“Look, Caleb,”I overheard Dad tell him. “We've sent you money in the past. You always say you're going to use it to get clothes for job interviews or for going back to school or something worthwhile. Then it's always the same old story: The next thing we know you're broke and jobless. nothing ever changes with you.”
“Hey, it's not easy—”
“That's right! Doing drugs is not easy. It's not easy on anyone.”
A few more words were exchanged, and then Caleb stormed out of there, promising to never come back. As a result, it was not a happy Christmas that year. I think it had a pretty negative impact on everyone in our family. Ky dad started working longer hours; my mom seemed more edgy and depressed. Josh got into drinking and partying about that same time, and it wasn't too much later that I went into my dark period.
Oh, I'm not blaming all this on Caleb. It's just the way life happened for the Killer family. And if anything, I feel really sorry for Caleb. I hated the way my parents dealt with him. Naturally, they called it “tough love,” but it seemed more like “tough luck” to me. Ky dad made it perfectly clear to Caleb that as long as he was into drugs, he was not welcome in our home.
Okay, I can sort of understand that, but where did that mean Caleb could go? Where would he find help? On the streets? That's where I envision him sometimes. It's not an image I'm comfortable with, but it's probably a real possibility. So every time I see a guy in his twenties with shaggy brown hair and dark soulful eyes, I have to look twice. And I wonder, could that be him? Could that be my brother Caleb? Because I have no idea where he is, or worse yet, if he's even still
alive. I can't even describe how much it hurts to think of this. Like a dull knife twisting inside my gut. But every time I feel it, I pray for him.
RESCUE HIM
on the streets, down and out
burnt and broke and full of doubt
out of luck and out of time
buddy, could you spare a dime?
sagging spirits, hopeless eyes
bum a buck with see-through lies
looking down, a sideways glance
afraid to try, to take a chance
God, reach out Your loving hand
help him see and understand
Your love can give a clean, fresh start
Your love can fill an empty heart
Your love can make his life brand new
help him to give his heart to You.
amen
Eleven
Saturday, October 23
(HANGIN' WITH THE FAM)
Tonight's concert felt like I was living ray happiest fantasy. But let me back up a bit. Josh and ray parents and Laura's parents and brother all arrived in Dallas this afternoon. We raet thera at the airport in a stretch limo, no less, and took thera out for an early dinner. Our treat, of course. Actually, the whole weekend was our treat. Guess that's one of the perks of this biz—you actually have enough money to do some cool things.
I still can't believe how thrilled I was to see my family. I think it surprised them too. I hugged each of thera long and hard. Even ray mom. She was actually wiping tears from her eyes when I finally let go. That was cool.
“You look older, Chloe,” she said as she assessed my outfit. I'd gone to special effort to put on something a little more traditional than my usual urban “trash,” as ray mom would call it. I think she appreciated it.
“You guys look great,” I told them. “I can't believe how rauch I've missed you.”
Josh grinned. “I know exactly what you mean. You don't appreciate the old fogies until you leave home.”
We had to hurry a bit through dinner, but no one seemed to mind. Then we took them back to the hotel, where Laura and I had booked our parents some very nice suites, as well as a room for Josh and Laura's brother, James. And again, they seemed suitably impressed. I'm not sure why this means so much to me, but for some reason it does. Maybe it has to do with the times that my mom sort of pooh-poohed the whole music thing, like it wasn't such a big deal. But I could tell by her expression that her thoughts on this may have changed some since then.
As usual, we had to get to the auditorium early, but we had prearranged another limo to pick up our families as well as front-row seats for the concert.
I felt more excited and nervous than usual as we went onto the stage. But the audience was enthusiastic, and I started to relax as soon as I had the mike in my hand.
“Hey, y'all” I yelled, imitating their Texan drawl. “It's great to be down here in the Lone Star State. Praise God for Texas!” Naturally this brought a big applause. “And tonight is a big night for Redemption. As y'all know we're pretty hew to the music scene. And this is the first time our folks have been out to see us perform as warmup for Iron Cross, only the hottest band in Christian music.” Again the crowd went wild. It's amazing how just saying the name “Iron Cross” can get a crowd jazzed.
I pointed down to the front row where our families were seated. “I hope you'll welcome our families here tonight. And with God's help and grace, we'll give you the best music we've got in us!” Then we started to play. And we rocked! And the crowd rocked! And I honestly believe it was the best concert we've ever given. Even Jeremy said so when he came out onto the stage and thanked us in front of the totally stoked crowd.
“Are these girls great or what?” he asked the crowd, and they clapped and cheered even louder. “I keep telling them that it won't be long before we're opening for them.” This brought good.' humored laughter and more applause. Then we went down and sat with our families for the rest of the concert. Josh leaned over and looked me in the eye.
“You are totally amazing, sis!”
I'm sure my face was just one great big smile by then. “Thanks.”
After the concert we took our families backstage to meet Iron Cross. “That Jeremy really has his head together,” my dad said afterward when we all met at the hotel restaurant for a late night dessert.
“Yeah,” I agreed. “He's pretty cool.”
“He said some nice things about you too.” Dad winked at me.
I managed to maintain a calm exterior. “Well, he's a gracious guy.” Ifow I have absolutely no intention of revealing to anyone that I have feelings for this guy. Besides, I keep telling myself, it's a schoolgirl crush that will pass in time.
“Don't you want to know what he said?” demanded Allie.
I just shrugged.
My dad smiled at Allie. “He said that I should be proud of my daughter, that she's not only a talented musician but a fine person too.”
Allie smirked at me. “I guess that's true.”
“Gee, thanks,” I told her.
“It's just so unbelievable,” James said suddenly.
“What?” asked Laura.
“That you girls—our baby sisters—are out here playing music with a group like Iron Cross.”
Laura frowned. “What do you mean? Don't you think we're good enough?”
He laughed. “Obviously you're good enough. You guys are fantastic.” Then he shook his head. “But it's still unbelievable.”
“I know what you mean,” said Josh. “It feels weird to be shown up by your kid sister.”
“Hey, we all have our gifts,” I told them. “There are things you guys can do that we'll never be good at. Like sports,” I added. “You both are really great athletes.”
“Yeah, but we'll never make the kind of money you guys are making with sports.”
“It's not all about the money,” I said. “And who knows how long this ride will last anyway.”
“That's right,” added Willy. “The music industry is a finicky business. Things can change at the drop of a hat.”
“So you better enjoy it while it's here.” Ky dad raised his soda glass as if to toast us. “And here's to three incredibly talented girls and what appears to be a very bright future!”
All in all, it was a nearly perfect day. Unfortunately, I had to go and spoil things as my parents and I were going up in the elevator together. They had decided to turn in early, and I wanted to see them to their room.
“I've been thinking about Caleb a lot lately,” I said as soon as the elevator started going up.
Dad cleared his throat. “Why's that, pumpkin?”
“Well, I see all these down-and-out homeless kids in every city and—”
“Caleb has made his choices,” my dad interrupted.
“But I keep wondering if he's okay.”
Ky mom sniffed, and I turned to see that her eyes were filling with tears, but she didn't say anything.
“I just wonder if there's anything I can do to-”
“Chloe, I know that you love Caleb, and now that you've got money, I'm sure it would seem like a good idea to help him. But believe me, money is not what Caleb needs.”
“I just wondered if you ever hear from him,” I continued even though I could tell I was upsetting my parents. “I think about him sometimes, in the middle of the night, and I get so worried and scared for him. Of course, I pray for him, but I just wonder if there's something more—”
“Praying might be the best thing you can do for him,” Dad said as the elevator stopped on their floor.
I turned to look at my mom. “Do you know where he is?”
She pressed her lips together and looked at my dad.
“Honey,” Dad put his hand on my arm, “I know you only have Caleb's best interests at heart. And that's good. But I think you'd be wise to avoid him. At least until he's ready to make some serious changes in his lifestyle.”
Mom sighed then hugged me. “I'm so proud of you, Chloe.”
I nodded and swallowed hard. I appreciated her words, but I was so focused on Caleb that I didn't completely absorb the meaning until I was back in my room. And it was sweet of her to say that. Really. Just the same, I would've rather have heard what's going on with Caleb. I'm sure they must know where he lives. Kaybe I'll ask Josh about it tomorrow.
SOMETHING'S MISSING
here we are just sittin' 'round
laughing, joking, happy sound
family time with smiling faces
all of us are in our places
but something's missing, someone's gone
something about this feels all wrong
on the outside looking in
i wish that he'd come back again
misfit brother, caring eyes
when will you finally realize
you are loved just as you are
by the Kan who bore your scars?
if you'd listen, i could tell
that you're loved by me as well
and i'd tell you more things too
my sweet brother, where are you?
cm
Tuesday, October 26
(BIRTHDAY ON THE ROAD)
It was a little tricky planning a birthday party for Laura since we were driving to Tulsa today, but somehow we managed to pull it off. i'irst, we all pretended like we'd forgotten it was her birthday this morning. I could tell that she was a little ticked about it, but she kept her thoughts to herself.
After breakfast, Allie took our gifts and stuff and rode with Willy so they could set things up. Meanwhile, Rosy pretended to take a “shortcut,” buying time for Willy and Allie so they could get there ahead of us.
Our destination was a tiny town named Mitchell—just like Laura's last name. This was Rosy's idea since she's the one who knows where everything is. The plan was for Rosy to pretend to be lost. A real stretch because that woman seems to have a road map imprinted into her brain. She always knows where we are and when we're going to get to our destination.
Road Trip Page 6