by Jordan Marie
“There’s no one else to blame, Rory,” he says quietly.
“There is! There’s King! It’s not your fault our child isn’t here anymore, Noah. It’s his!”
“If that’s true, then why the condoms, Rory? Why? Why can’t you tell me you love me anymore if you don’t blame me?” he asks, turning to look at me, despair laced in every word… the same despair in mine.
We’re both so broken I don’t even know how to begin to fix either of us.
53
Diesel
“Because I’m scared.”
The words hang between us. The words whispered out like a guilty secret and I watch as her face crumples.
“Gorgeous—”
“Don’t you see, Noah? It’s not your fault. It’s all mine,” she adds, and that’s when she starts crying. “I was the stupid one. I let my brother herd me right to Wyoming. I even moved into the home he wanted me to be in. I thought I was so smart, getting away. I thought using money that wasn’t attached to our father or mother wouldn’t be traceable. I thought I had outsmarted King all the way. But it was all a game to him. He knew you’d come to Montana with Ryan eventually. I don’t know how he knew, but he knew and he wanted me there… and I just played into his plans.”
I think over her words. There’s a chance he knew about Montana. Violet knew, and that would stand to reason that Vicki and King did too. I guess even when I thought I was doing the best I could for my son, I was making the wrong fucking decisions.
“If you played into his hands, so did I, Rory,” I tell her. “They may not have known I’d take Ryan there, but when I began making moves and taking money out of my accounts, it would have made them prepare. It would be the first place they suspected.”
“He left magazines, and even took out billboards he knew I’d see. All talking about how wonderful Montana was—Whitefish, Montana. He left breadcrumbs everywhere and like a fool I followed them, thinking I was breaking free. If anyone was to blame, it is me, Noah. I was so stupid.”
“Rory—”
“You should blame me, Noah. You should blame me for getting close to you. I led King right to you and I didn’t even know it.”
“Have you looked in the mirror, Rory? King is a twisted bastard who is going to die, but he’s still a man. He knew that once I saw you, I wouldn’t be able to stay away. Not with the way you look and your spirit… your heart. There’s no way I could.”
“I’m scared, Noah,” she whispers again and I should walk away. I’ll only cause us both more pain, but instead, I walk to her—unable to stop myself.
“Why are you scared, Rory. If I can fix it, I will,” I pledge.
“King won’t rest until he takes away everything I love. Ryan, you, the baby… He won’t stop. That’s why,” she murmurs while staring down at her feet.
I pull her in close, even though it’s agony having her in my arms without her trust… without her love.
“Ryan’s here, Rory and I’ll always be here for you.”
“But our baby’s not. Our baby is just… gone.”
“I’m so sorry, Rory. I’m so fucking sorry I let you down. I let you and our child down. I don’t know how to fix it,” I tell her again, feeling worthless.
“You didn’t,” she says shaking her head back and forth, vehemently. “I knew what I was doing. I knew what it could cost. I couldn’t let him touch Ryan like that, Noah. I just couldn’t. I made my choice, even knowing what might happen… what probably would happen. I chose one child over another… What kind of mother does that make me?” she cries, her body trembling as all at once sobs break free and her legs go weak. I catch her before she falls and I pull her to my chair, sitting down with her in my lap. My own tears run freely, unchecked as I hold her tightly, letting us both get our sadness out into the open. “I chose one child over another. I’m the real reason our baby is gone, Noah. It’s all my fault,” she cries and I hold her and rock her, crying right along with her.
“If I had been there. If I had protected you…Oh God, Rory, if I had just protected you,” I tell her, guilt and misery colliding with each other as I share my biggest regret, the one thing that haunts me every fucking day.
“You couldn’t. I never once blamed you for that. I thought you were dead, but I knew if you could that you’d have been there. You would have been there even not believing that I was carrying your baby. You would have protected me because that’s who you are,” she says, still crying, although no longer sobbing. Now her tears are like mine, slow with misery making her body shudder, as we talk about things both of us would prefer to keep hidden.
“I would have protected you and our children because I love you, Rory. Even then, I loved you,” I tell her and I kiss her lips, the kiss salty from our tears, broken like our hearts, but full of the love I have for her.
“I love you too, Noah. I’ve always loved you. I always will,” she whispers when we break apart. I don’t know how it is possible that words you need to hear, can feel so good they hurt, but they do. They cut inside of me, leaving me raw and exposed. “None of this was your fault. I don’t blame you. I love you,” she says again.
“It’s not yours either, Rory. You were faced with an impossible choice and you did the only thing you could do.”
“And because of it, we lost our child,” she whispers.
“Would you go back and change the choice you made?” I ask, already knowing the answer.
“No. God, Noah. I couldn’t let that monster get his hands on Ryan. I couldn’t let him break him and that’s exactly what he wanted.”
“And that’s why he must die. I have to go after him, Rory. I can’t let him hurt my family anymore. I have to do this to protect you and Ryan and maybe someday if you can trust me again, the children we will have in the future.”
“I do trust you. I told you that. But, I don’t want another baby. It almost killed me when I lost our child. I watched you die… or at least I thought I did. I can’t go through that again, Noah. I can’t suffer any more losses like that again, I can’t. I won’t survive. That’s why you have to call off this war. You can’t go storming in. You have to be prepared, Noah. You won’t get a second chance and King is methodical. He views everything like a chess match. You can’t storm in, not knowing what you’ll face.”
“I’ll make sure my men and I are prepared. I can do this, Rory. Fuck, I’ve been living for it, fighting my way back so I can finally avenge our child and make him pay for what he’s done to you and to Ryan. I can do this.”
“Noah, I…”
“I promise you that I will be careful and that I will come back to you and Ryan. I’m asking you to believe in me, Rory. I’m asking you to have faith in me,” I plead with her, needing this from her more than I’ve ever needed anything in my life.
“Noah—”
“I have to do this, Rory. I don’t have a choice. I have to make that son of a bitch pay for taking our child from us. I have to make him pay for scaring my boy and hurting you. I have to do this. If I don’t I’m not going to be able to live with myself.”
She tilts her head up to look at me, her fingers scratch gently into my beard and her tear-filled eyes study me.
“I don’t want you to not do it. I want that revenge too… I just want you to be… safe.”
“I survived death once to get back to you, Rory. If you think I will let anything keep us apart you’re crazy. I will always come back to you, Gorgeous. Always.”
“Okay,” she whispers. “If that’s what you need from me, you have it, Noah.”
“I love you, Rory,” I tell her, leaning back down to take her mouth and kiss her, drinking her in and knowing that in my arms right now I’m holding everything and I’ll never give it up.
Never.
“I love you, too, Noah. I always have and I always will,” she replies when we break apart.
I just hold her, letting her head rest against my chest, letting her presence soothe me. She takes my hand in hers, linking o
ur fingers together and I close my eyes and thank my lucky stars that I haven’t lost her. Even after all of the shit I put her through and everything we’ve had to go through to get here…. She’s still with me.
That’s a gift I’ll never take for granted.
54
Diesel
“Thank God this baby looks nothing like Devil,” I tell Torrent with a wink. She smiles, still looking tired, but very happy.
“I couldn’t agree more,” Devil says, sitting in Torrent’s hospital bed with her, his arm wrapped around her as he leans down and kisses the top of her head. “He’s beautiful, just like my angel,” he murmurs more quietly and Torrent looks up at him and kisses him.
My heart squeezes, feeling the bittersweet pain deep inside. I’m happy for my brother, after all of the hell he’s gone through, I can’t think of anyone that deserves this happiness more. Still, I hate that Rory and I didn’t get this. That we were robbed of this happiness, this pleasure. I’ve never had it. Having Ryan was a fight the whole time. I had to lock Vicki down while she was carrying him, just to make sure he was safe. Ryan deserved for his parents to be like this. I can’t keep looking back, but still it slices open that wound deep inside, knowing that had things been different, Rory and I would have known this kind of sweetness.
“I love you,” Torrent tells him, and suddenly I feel like an intruder in their family moment.
“I better get going,” I announce, standing up and clearing my throat.
“Rory’s not with you?” Torrent asks and I do my best to smile, but it’s mostly just straightening out my lip.
“She… had things to do at the club,” I tell her finally, handing their little boy back over to his momma.
Rory couldn’t handle seeing a baby right now… not like this. Hell, if Devil wasn’t one of my closest brothers I’d find a reason not to be here.
“I understand,” Torrent says, and the look on her face tells me that she does.
“I appreciate you postponing the thing with King until after the baby arrived,” Devil says. “But I’m ready. We need to get that bastard and hopefully get Wolf while we’re at it. I don’t like that those men are breathing the same air my family is,” he mutters.
That’s a feeling I’m intimately aware of.
“You all were right. I need to make sure we’re ready. After I leave here, I’ll be meeting with Scorpion and Gunner. When we make our move, it will be because King has nowhere else left to run.”
Devil nods his head. I’m just about to say my final goodbyes when my phone rings. I reach in my back pocket and grab it, clicking accept as I bring it to my ear.
“Speak,” I order, not bothering to see who it was that called.
“Hey Boss, I got some bad news,” Fury announces through the line.
“Why doesn’t that fucking surprise me?” I respond with a sigh. “Hold on, I’m with Devil and Torrent now. I’m going to put you on speaker. Okay,” I tell him after making the switch. “Go ahead.”
I hold the phone down between the three of us and as I mention Fury’s name Devil and Torrent’s look of confusion clears and they stare down at the phone like they can actually see Fury there. Hell, I do too, I guess. I’m so tired of running into dead ends. I want things to go back to fucking normal. It feels like we haven’t had normal and boring in my damn club in longer than I can remember.
“I’m down here and I found the orphanage without an issue. Just like we thought, their records were sealed. I creatively worked around that and got into the records room. I can’t find one file with Torrent’s mother’s name.”
“Damn it,” Torrent curses softly.
“What’s our next step?” I ask Fury. I’m used to wars and using my fists to find out what I need. That doesn’t exactly work in this case.
“Fuck if I know, Boss. I was hoping Torrent might know another name her mother would have used, or hell, something else I can use.”
“I didn’t know my mother that well,” Torrent says. “But…”
“But what?” Devil, urges.
“One year she got me a baby doll for my birthday. It was weird because Mom wasn’t one to buy me anything… or even remember my birthday. She told me that she saw the name and had to buy it for me.”
“The name?”
“It was a Kristy doll. You’d pull a string and her hair would slide back in these grooves in her head and then you could pull them long again whenever you wanted,” Torrent explains.
“That sounds like a fucking creepy doll, Angel,” Devil grumbles and he’s not wrong.
“It was neat,” she argues.
“Neat and creepy,” Devil mutters, and I find myself laughing under my breath. He’s right.
“I’ll make a note that Logan, Jr., doesn’t get a Kristy doll for Christmas.”
“Fuck that, my boy won’t be playing with dolls at all.”
“They make male dolls you know. Wrestlers, super heroes…”
“And every damn one of them are missing their dicks. No thank you,” he adds and this makes Fury laugh.
“Okay, I’m going to do a search for Kristy I guess. That’s a fucking long shot and a half though. This might be a dead end, Tor,” Fury cautions her.
“Just do what you can,” I answer for all of us.
“Will do. When do I need to be back for knight duty?”
“Knight duty?” I ask, confused as hell.
“Storming the castle. Get it?” he laughs.
I just shake my head. If I laugh it will just encourage the bastard.
“I’m going to meet with Scorpion and the others this evening. I’ll touch base with you then.”
“Sounds good. I’m out of here. Congrats on your baby, Torrent, and a bigger congratulations because Devil texted me a picture. Thank God the boy doesn’t have his ugly mug.”
“Fuck you,” Devil laughs.
“Thank you, Fury,” Torrent adds and we say goodbye to him and I click the phone off.
“I better get. I’ve got a couple of prospects waiting in the SUV outside. I can’t tell you how much I hate having to ride in a fucking cage and having a tail everywhere I go.”
“I get it, but you have a kid and a woman depending on you, brother. It’s better to be safe.”
I shrug my reply. He’s right, but I still don’t like it one damn bit.
55
Rory
“What is that grin for?” I laugh when Noah comes into our room, looking so proud of himself he might burst.
“Guess where I went after I stopped by the hospital today?” he asks.
At the mention of the hospital, I’m feeling guilty. I’ll get better, I know, I just wasn’t ready to face that right now. I’ll lock it down and get control before Torrent gets home. She should get out soon. She had a rough labor so they’re making sure she’s okay, before releasing her. I need to work through it, so I can help her. I know I will do it, I don’t really have a choice. Besides, I have a life with Noah and Ryan to look forward to. I’ll miss my child forever, but I can’t keep looking back. I need to concentrate on the future.
“I have no idea,” I laugh as he comes in, swooping me up in his arms and kissing me.
“I missed you, Gorgeous,” he whispers against my lips. The words warm me. It’s been three days since I broke down on him in his office and each day gets sweeter and sweeter. I have to believe eventually the pain and guilt inside of me will lessen.
Noah stands me back on the floor and that’s when I notice the brown paper sack he’s holding in his hand. He holds it upside down over the bed and shakes it. Three huge boxes of condoms fall onto the mattress.
“That’s a lot of condoms,” I laugh.
“I haven’t had you in four days now. I’ve got a lot to make up for,” he says with a cocky smirk.
“I thought this morning was pretty good, actually,” I remind him, blushing at the memory. I’d never actually had a sixty-nine before, but I definitely wouldn’t mind repeating it. I’ve never been br
ave with sex before Noah. He gets rid of all of my inhibitions.
“Everything with you is good, Rory. I will admit this morning was really fucking good, but I need inside of you again. Jesus, when that tight little cunt of yours wraps around my cock it feels like heaven,” he whispers, his lips against my ear and his voice wickedly soft. Chills of awareness and hunger move over my body.
“Well, since you put it like that, I think I could find time right now for a quickie,” I murmur, my fingers already pushing his club cut off his shoulders.
“Fuck, you’re perfect,” he growls, helping me get rid of his clothes, quickly.
He’s kicked off his boots, his shirt is on the floor, and his hands are on the button of his jeans. At the same time, I’m unbuttoning the flannel shirt I’m wearing, going much slower, because I can’t tear my eyes off of him. I got my shirt off and Noah is unhooking my bra, when he growls and takes my mouth again, freeing my breasts. The kiss grows heated, hungry as my hands latch on his jeans, pushing them down his hips and he does his best to unbutton mine. It’s not easy because we can’t stop kissing long enough to see what we’re doing.
When I get his pants down and wrap my hand around his cock, I cry out because Noah literally grabs me and throws me on the bed. He stands over me, his cock bouncing proudly, the head slick and wet. His eyes are alive with hunger and he’s got a devilish grin on his face as he grabs the legs of my pants and pulls them. I scramble to hold onto the bed as he gets rid of my jeans. Boxes of condoms are squashed under me, but I don’t even care. I can’t tear my gaze from my man. He steps into me, reaching under my legs and slings them over his shoulders, just as there is a knock on the door.
Noah growls and holds his head down, and I whimper out a broken, “No….”
“Diesel, man, are you in there?” Scorpion calls.
“This better be good,” Noah growls. Then, he pulls his pants up, carefully stuffing his fully erect cock in them as much as he can and zipping it up—the bulge plain to see and makes me so wet I moan. He bends down, pulling the comforter up from the bottom and covers my body. “Don’t move, Gorgeous,” he whispers, giving me a quick, rough kiss.