by Emma Browne
Mum smiled at him before turning back to me. ‘When did you arrive? Have you been camping, too?’
I nodded. ‘Yeah. Nick and Michael picked me up at the airport on Thursday, and then we went straight up north. I’m pretty jetlagged still, but I couldn’t miss camping.’
Michael slapped my back and smiled, whilst Mum shook her head. ‘Boys…’ She sighed. ‘Anyway, it’s wonderful to finally have all of you together around the table here again.’ She looked thrilled.
‘Wouldn’t miss it.’ Nick smiled and winked at Mum.
‘Yeah, it’s good to be home,’ I said, as I looked toward Miranda.
‘Jack.’ Her eyes caught on mine and something passed between us. ‘Long time no see.’
‘Yeah.’ I smiled at her. ‘It’s good to see you, Miranda.’
She gave a sharp nod before pulling her eyes away to look at her plate, where she was pushing some vegetables around.
‘How was camping?’ Sophia asked, clearly trying to divert my attention.
‘It was great! Although Jack here slept for most of the time,’ Nick said.
I leaned back in my chair and grinned. ‘Yeah, yeah… you try going camping in a tent in the rain after travelling for 24 hours.’
‘Did you catch any fish?’ Sophia asked.
Michael nodded. ‘Yeah. We did some fishing off the Isle of Mull yesterday and caught a couple of mackerels. Nick cooked them up for dinner last night.’
‘Best mackerels you’ll have ever eaten,’ Nick said with a cocky grin.
Michael snorted. ‘Might have been the only mackerels I’ve ever eaten, but sure.’
‘You’ve never had mackerel before?!’ Sophia put her hand on her chest and raised her eyebrows like she couldn’t believe it.
‘Oh come on, we’re not all pescatarians, or whatever you call it when you eat a lot of fish.’ Michael winked at her.
‘Pescatarian?’ Sophia snorted. ‘A pescatarian is like a vegetarian that also eats fish. It’s not someone that eats a lot of fish, you silly. Besides, you should eat more fish, it’s good for you.’
‘What was China like, Jack?’ Julia asked, trying to get the conversation away from the Fish Versus Mac and Cheese debate we all knew was about to break out.
‘Good.’ I smiled. ‘I missed you guys of course, but Hong Kong and China are amazing.’
‘Well, it’s good to have you back now.’ Mum reached out and stroked my arm. ‘How long do you have to go back for?’
‘I’ll just be away for a couple weeks or so in about six weeks. I’ve got a few meetings to do, but otherwise I’m home now. I’ve got a couple of weeks off now, and then I start work here.’
‘Good to have you back.’ Dad said.
I nodded and let the conversation going on around me wash over me. It was nice to be home. My eyes drifted to Miranda. She might have spent the meal avoiding looking at me, but I let my eyes rest on her. Her dark hair was pulled into a messy bun, showing off her slender neck, and her t-shirt hung off her shoulder, revealing the collarbone. As I watched her smile at Mum or pass vegetables to Sophia, I realised how starved of her I had been. Spending six years on the other side of the world, a part of me had missed her every day, and seeing her now made me wonder how I had survived staying away for this long.
I wanted to reach out and touch her, but I knew she was unlikely to want that, considering how things between us had ended. I cringed as I thought about how I had broken up with her.
She was still picking at her food, but not eating much. She wasn’t talking much either, and seemed lost in thought. Unsurprisingly, she didn’t seem thrilled to see me.
‘Hey, are you coming?’ Nick startled me out of my thoughts, and I nodded as I wondered where we were going.
***
As far as pubs go, The Sheep Heid Inn was a nice upscale pub, more of a relaxed and cosy living room than a seedy bar or a trendy club. It claimed to be the oldest pub in Edinburgh and had sheep heads on the wall, fireplaces, and tucked away little tables in corners with old-looking art on the walls.
Though there were plenty of places we could have gone for a pint on a Sunday afternoon, The Sheep Heid had been our place since we became adults, and it seemed fitting to go there. I ordered a beer, brought it out to the beer garden, and tried to follow the conversation, which centred on the social enterprise Sophia, Julia and Miranda were starting, and what to call it. Nick and Michael had talked about it some when we were camping, as they were both looking to partner or invest in the venture.
The plan to sell period cups in Scotland to fund projects for women’s health issues around the world sounded like a good idea. Sure, the idea of a period cup grossed me out, but if I didn’t think about the function of it too much, I could recognise the idea as having great potential. And, just like Nick and Michael, I was interested enough to consider investing.
If nothing else, it might get me a chance to work on something with Miranda. Because, after just seeing her again, I was more convinced than ever that I wanted her back.
And this time I wouldn’t let anything keep us from staying together.
Chapter 3
Miranda
Going to the pub had always been somewhat uncomfortable for me. Dad being an alcoholic made my relationship to alcohol complicated, which meant pubs weren’t my favourite places. I ordered a glass of lemonade when we got to the pub – not because I was a teetotaller (I wasn’t. I could enjoy a glass of wine or the odd pint with friends from time to time), but because I had a strict rule not to use alcohol to handle my emotions – and sipped it slowly as I tried to keep my smile in place.
I was still reeling inside from seeing Jack again. He looked good. As though he could ever look otherwise. His blonde hair was longer and styled on top with the sides cut shorter. He had always put product in his hair, which made any of my attempts to run my fingers through it a sticky experience. Still, he had clearly run his fingers through it a few times today, which made me wonder if he might be as nervous about seeing me as I was about seeing him. Then again, perhaps it was just the left-over hair style from yesterday and he had run his fingers through it to make the best of it after camping in the wild with the guys. His blue eyes were as clear as ever, and I found myself avoiding them, as I knew they would only try to pull me in.
I couldn’t afford to be pulled in.
Jack’s relaxed attitude had me remembering what it was like back in the day when we would hang out all together. He would sit with his arm around me and laugh with the others, and I would snuggle in.
Glancing at his face, my hands itched to touch the scruff on his cheeks. In another life I would have reached out and felt it.
I sighed and pushed the memories aside, reminding myself that I was done with him.
And I didn’t want him back.
I wasn’t just thinking I didn’t want him back whilst secretly hoping we would get back together. I knew people like that; Julia was one of them. She didn’t get on with Nick at all, but we all knew she carried a torch for him.
Not me, though.
No: despite my obvious attraction to him, Jack and I were best kept in the past as a bittersweet memory. Any attempt to revive a romance between us would end in disaster. And since I was sure I couldn’t live through that again, it was best to ignore the way my heart leapt every time I heard him speak. Memories of snuggling into him wouldn’t be helpful going forward.
I bit my lip and looked away. It was best to focus on something other than Jack.
Anything else.
Around us, everyone was talking about our project. Jack seemed relaxed and happy to be back, and made a few period jokes with the guys, but he seemed interested in the idea of our social enterprise. I had a feeling the guys wanted in, even as I wasn’t sure why. There would be nothing in it for them.
‘Have you guys decided if you’re going to go with an already existing product, or do you want to produce your own cups?’ Jack asked, pulling me out of my thoughts.
&nb
sp; ‘I’ve been looking into that.’ My voice sounded strained. I cleared my throat in an effort to make it sound more normal. ‘I found a company that produces things with medical grade silicone in China, which I would like to check out a little more.’
‘Sure. Let me know if I can help with anything on that. I have a few contacts in China and Hong Kong that might come in handy,’ Jack offered.
I stiffened. I didn’t want his help. Not because I was mad at him – I wasn’t. With so many years having gone by, I wouldn’t have coped if I hadn’t let go of the anger. I didn’t want his help because I never again wanted to be in the position of having to depend on him for anything. ‘I think we’ll be fine, but thanks.’
Jack shrugged. ‘Well, the offer’s there.’ He held up his empty pint glass. ‘I’m thinking I’ve got to get home and shower.’
‘I think you guys all need a shower,’ Julia said, scrunching her nose. ‘I bet you’ve washed by swimming in a loch this weekend.’
Nick shrugged. ‘It’s not camping otherwise.’
Leaving the pub, Nick offered Jack and me a lift home. I would have rather been anywhere other than in a car with Jack but walking home with him alone would have been worse. I nodded and got in the front seat of Nick’s car, with Jack and Julia getting in the back.
Nick glanced at me and smiled. Then he – rather uncharacteristically – proceeded to talk to me about the weather for the whole journey home. Glad not to have to sit in what would otherwise have been a rather awkward silence, I answered with the odd ‘Uh-huh’ here and there, and thanked him when he dropped us off.
He shook his head and grabbed my shoulder before letting me get out of the car. I turned to look at him. He lowered his voice and said in his soft American accent, ‘You’ll be okay. But if you need anything, you call, you hear?’
I nodded. ‘Uh-huh.’
Having decided the best way forward would be to avoid any interaction with Jack, I got out of the car and hurried up the path to unlock my front door. Opening it, I felt Jack’s hand on my shoulder, and my stomach sank. Why couldn’t he have just gone home to his parents’ instead of continuing this awkward day?
‘Hey, wait a minute.’
I concentrated on not letting my body tremble and stayed where I was, waiting for him to continue. When he didn’t, I turned my face toward him. ‘What?’
Letting go of my shoulder, he ran his hands through his hair, and I thought again of the product in his hair. ‘Can we talk?’ He gave me a cheeky smile and my stomach went all jittery as I remembered how I used to melt when he used the same smile on me before we broke up.
I snorted at the futility of trying to keep him away. ‘Come on in, then.’ Pushing aside the feeling that I would come to regret inviting him in, I told myself I would get better at ignoring the memories and the way they tried to tug on my heart strings. He had taken me by surprise showing up like he had today, but next time I would be more prepared. ‘Are you having tea?’
‘Sure, whatever you’ve got is fine.’ He shrugged out of his denim jacket and followed me into the kitchen, where I went about making tea. ‘I like how you painted the walls in here.’
I glanced at them. A couple of years after mum died, I decided the house was mine now and keeping it the way mum had kept it wouldn’t bring her back or preserve any memories. So, I had a big clear out and painted the kitchen a light blue instead of the drab magnolia it used to be. It felt lighter now, and definitely more me. ‘Thanks.’ I gave him his cup and sat down. ‘So... was there something you wanted to talk about?’
He stared at me his eyebrows knitted together. ‘Right, yes.’ He sipped his tea and smiled. ‘So, this isn’t awkward, is it? Is it awkward?’
Was he kidding? It was incredibly awkward. I scrunched my nose and held up my thumb and finger. ‘It’s a wee bit awkward, yeah.’
He twisted his mouth and his eyes sparkled. ‘Yeah, I suppose. Does it have to be, though?’
I didn’t know how to answer that, so I kept quiet.
‘I mean, we used to be friends first. Then we were a couple, and then we broke up…’ He waved his hands in the air when he talked. ‘What I mean is, we were friends for years before we ever started dating, and I’m hoping we could be friends again?’ He shot me another of his smiles and as my stomach flipped, I wondered how smart I was to let him back into my house.
Still, I was relieved he just wanted to assure himself we wouldn’t fight. I didn’t have the energy to fight or be awkward over something that happened years and years ago. ‘Sure! Friends sounds good.’ I gave what felt like an exaggerated smile.
His eyes sparkled with mischief. ‘Unless you want to try dating…’
‘No!’ I shook my head and snorted. ‘No, no, no. We’re not going to be getting back together.’
He gave a soft chuckle that warmed my insides in a way that I was realising I would have to get used to again. ‘Fine. Friends it is.’
‘Friends.’ I gave an enthusiastic nod and sipped my tea. ‘So. Hong Kong, eh?’
He shrugged. ‘Yeah. It was good for a time. Back now though.’
I took a deep breath as I tried to be okay with seeing Jack in my kitchen again. Searching my mind for friendly questions, I came up with: ‘So. Were you transferred, or?’
‘Yeah. It felt like it was time to come home. Started missing oatcakes, and ale, and haggis, you know?’ His eyes danced over me, and I nodded, even as I doubted his transfer had anything to do with him missing Scottish food. ‘How’ve you been?’
How could I sum up the rollercoaster of the last six years? I settled on, ‘Alright,’ even though they had been some of the worst years of my life.
It wasn’t five seconds before Jack said, ‘Bull.’ His piercing blue eyes took no prisoners. ‘Tell me how you’ve really been.’
I set down my teacup and looked him in the eye. ‘Look Jacky, we can be friends, but you’ve got to give me some time to warm up to the idea. We’re not going to pick up where we left off, and I’m not ready to have deep conversations. So yeah, parts of the last few years have been pretty crap, but I don’t want to talk about it.’ I tilted my chin up. ‘Are we clear?’
His eyes were gentle as they looked at me, his smile crooked as he nodded. ‘Crystal.’ He stood up and took his cup to the sink. ‘Do you still run?’
‘Uh-huh.’
‘What time do you go? I’ll join you.’
I glanced at him. He had filled out since he left Edinburgh all those years ago. The lean physique he used to have as a result of running was replaced with muscles. So many muscles. ‘Think you can keep up?’
He grinned. ‘I guess we’ll find out.’ He whistled a song I recognized but couldn’t place as he sauntered out of my house, leaving me in my kitchen chair staring after him for a long time.
I wasn’t sure how I had gone from having decided to avoid him at all costs, to inviting him to run with me, in just a few minutes. And what was worse, from feeling indifferent towards him, to having shivers running up and down my spine whenever he looked at me. Scratch that – there had never been a time when I had felt indifferent towards him.
I dropped my head in my hands as I groaned. This would never work.
Chapter 4
Past
Miranda
I was five when my Grandma died and left us a house in Edinburgh.
I hadn’t known my Grandma, but I remember Mum being sad when we found out. A few months later, we moved out of our tiny, grubby flat in the South Side of Glasgow, and into a lovely detached house in Edinburgh. Not only did it come with more space, but it came with a new life.
Back in Glasgow, our neighbours had been single mums, rowdy youngsters, and people like us, on benefits. Mum had always worked hard as an industrial cleaner, but Dad couldn’t seem to keep a job. Instead, he would be looking for work, staying sober and being around… most of the time. I was little and I don’t remember much, but what I do remember is how happy I was. Mum would sing in the kitchen in the
mornings before work and she would have a shy smile on her face whenever Dad would wolf-whistle his appreciation at how gorgeous she looked. At night they would dance in the kitchen as they prepared dinner, and Dad would tell Mum stories to make her laugh. Or he would play silly tunes on the old, clinky piano.
During the day, Dad would take me to the park, pushing me on the swings until I flew high in the sky, and he would laugh as he chased me around the park, pretending to be a lion pouncing on a zebra (me). I would run my fastest and fall in a heap of giggles as he would catch me in his arms and swing me over his shoulder, growling like a lion, as though he was about to dig into his meal. And on other, rainier days, he would play Uno with me for hours upon hours, or he would take me to the library and read me book after book. He would call me his little Mir-maid and tell me never to speak to boys, or they might get enchanted and ask me to leave him. I would pull an unimpressed face and say ‘Daaadddyyy!’ in an unimpressed tone. And he would wink at me and say, ‘Just you wait and see.’
Then something would happen, and he would start waking up later and later in the day.
With headaches.
Dad wasn’t a mean drunk, but he was unreliable and chaotic. Once he hit the bottle, he didn’t seem to be able to stop and any money he could find would go toward booze. After a while, Mum couldn’t take it anymore, they would have a falling out, and Dad would be gone for a while.
When Dad was away, the music left the house, and I would watch Mum sigh her way through the days instead. I ended up staying with the lady next door when Mum was at work. The neighbour was an older lady who smoked a lot and put me in front of the TV all day, except in the afternoons, when she used to force me to take long naps. I remember spending hours thinking up ways to escape to find my Daddy.
So, when Grandma died and we moved away, nobody was sad to leave. Instead we all felt like we were turning a new leaf, starting over somewhere new. I started primary school, Dad got a job stacking shelves at the supermarket, and Mum got a job cleaning at the hotel.