by Emma Browne
Dad moved out a week later. John had found him a little flat in Leith, and we got him some things to make it nice. Nobody was happy, but we could all see that things weren’t working any more. Dad needed time to sort himself out, and I hoped this would help. Mum still cooked for him. She would take his meals over once a week and clean his flat. I wanted to go with her, but she kept asking me to wait. Give Dad a bit more time.
I didn’t see him for nine months. I missed the twinkle in his eyes, the outlandish ideas he would come up with, and the atmosphere he brought when he was himself. He could always coax a smile out of Mum, find time to dance her round the kitchen, or play us a tune on the piano. And now that he wasn’t there to do those things, the house felt cold and lonely.
I next saw him at my high school leavers’ ceremony. Mum had told me he had been sober for a couple of months by then, and he was seeing John every week again. Still, he had stayed away from our house, and I wasn’t sure why. Mum seemed to think he wanted to be sure he wouldn’t relapse before coming back, and maybe that was true.
It felt like he had abandoned us, though.
But he came to the leavers’ ceremony, and I felt relief over him being there – as well as shame at how insecure and obviously out of place he seemed. He had made an effort to look tidy, but it was clear to anyone looking that he was an addict. His hair was long again, his clothes were too big, and he smelled of cigarettes.
But he was clean and sober, and I chose to focus on that.
After that, he started coming round more regularly. He still didn’t move home – and though part of me wanted us to be a family again, I also didn’t want the drama of not knowing what it would be like when I came home at the end of the day.
***
I started studying business at Edinburgh University after the summer, and that’s when I met Sophia. Sophia did the marketing track of the business degree program, but we had many classes together, especially in the first year, and ended up hanging out a fair bit.
Julia was doing teacher training, so we didn’t see as much of her during the day, but at night we would all hang out together, and we all went to family dinners at the Reid’s house on Sundays.
Family dinners had always been a thing at the Reid house, and there were always more people there than their family consisted of, and more food than anyone could eat. My family was always invited, and there was often a scattering of random people there as well. When Jack started university, Nick and Michael started coming along, and after meeting Sophia, we started bringing her along, as well.
After dinner, Karen would pack the leftovers into lunch boxes, and anyone that wanted them could take them home. I had been too embarrassed to take food home for a long time, but after watching Michael and Nick go home with lunch boxes, I started taking them too.
It didn’t feel like charity as much as it felt like Karen being thoughtful and caring.
During that first year of uni, I lived at home, but I wasn’t home much. Mum was still a shell of who she used to be, and I found I needed to be away from the constant reminders of how messed up our family was.
Instead, I focussed on school, and on Jack, and on hanging out with my friends. I think everyone knew my Dad was an alcoholic, but we didn’t talk about it, and I was thankful for that.
After his first year at uni, Jack got an internship in Hong Kong for his summer breaks, and I spent summers waitressing at a cafe in town. Sophia spent her summers in Cumbria, staying with her parents, and Julia travelled, visiting Jack and going on summer mission trips for a few weeks. I worked as many hours as I could, trying to keep busy to avoid the feelings of loneliness, and to save up money to move out of the house.
The summer between my first and second year at uni was difficult, and I was thrilled when Julia finally came home so I had somebody to hang out with. She worked at the same cafe for the month of August when the Festival Fringe was on, and we were run off our feet with all the tourists in town for the festival.
By the time uni started again, I started to look for a flat, and I asked Julia and Sophia if they wanted to move in with me. They were both open to the idea, but a few weeks after we started looking, everything changed.
Again.
***
Jack
Spending the summers between my years of uni doing an internship in Hong Kong was amazing. I loved the city, and the atmosphere at the company I interned for was great. They started me off gently, but I got to work on interesting projects, and I loved the challenge. Dressing in a suit every day made me feel like I was doing the adult thing, and that sparked a whole bunch of new thoughts for me.
One of the only things I didn’t like about Hong Kong was that Miranda wasn’t there. The time difference made it difficult to have regular conversations, so our communication mainly consisted of a long thread of messages about how we missed each other. I sent her pictures of landmarks I went to, and she told me about her customers at the café.
As time went on, it became clearer and clearer that I didn’t want to spend my life away from her. I wanted to be with her, and I wanted her to be with me.
At the end of the summer when I came back home, about to go into my last year of uni, I came back with a plan, and spent the next few weeks trying to set it all into motion. I spoke with Lisa – not to get permission, but because it seemed important that she wasn’t blindsided – and tried (unsuccessfully) to get hold of Jimmy.
Then I went ring shopping.
I didn’t have much money, as the internship had only covered the living costs involved with being in Hong Kong, but I found a gold ring with a solitaire that I thought Miranda would like. I paid for it out of my very small savings account.
It was early October by the time I took Miranda to a restaurant in Portobello, and then for a late walk on the beach. I wasn’t nervous – I knew there would never be anyone for me other than Miranda, and I was certain she felt the same; we had both told each other that for years.
Instead, I felt fortunate to be with her again. Fortunate to have her glittering eyes look at me as we walked along the beach and shared about our day.
But the little box did seem to be burning a hole in my pocket.
‘You know you didn’t have to take me out for a meal tonight in order to get laid, right?’ She had her arm wrapped around me as we walked along the beach. ‘You don’t have to spend money on seducing me – I’m pretty much a sure thing.’ She gave me a teasing smile.
‘Who says I’m trying to seduce you?’ I grabbed her and lifted her into my arms. ‘Maybe I was setting you up for a swim in the sea?’
‘I don’t think so.’ She laughed nervously and started to wriggle as I started toward the water. ‘Come on, Jack. Put me down!’
I laughed, but set her down carefully, keeping hold of her hand. ‘No, but I did have something else in mind.’
‘Oh?’ She pushed some hair behind her ear.
I nodded. ‘I’ve been thinking that this arrangement we’ve got of living separately isn’t working for me anymore. Being away from you this summer was torture, but so is living in the same city and knowing you’re just a few minutes away, but still not with me.’
‘Mhm.’ Her eyes narrowed, and she tilted her head to the side in suspicion.
‘And I’ve been thinking we need to do something about that.’ I pulled the little box out of my pocket, fiddling with it to get it to open, and held it up to her. ‘When I think of the future, I think of you. I love you, and you’re who I want to be with for the rest of my life.’ I went down on one knee. ‘So, I was wondering if you’d be open to marrying me?’
Miranda took a deep breath and beamed at me as she pulled me back to my feet. ‘Yes!’ She slid a hand up my chin and pulled my face close. ‘Yes, I want to marry you.’ She pressed her lips to mine as her arms circled my neck, and my arms found her waist. ‘Yes, yes, yes.’ She punctuated each yes with a kiss.
I grinned, my heart growing as I looked at her. ‘You sure?’
/> She pulled at my hair to keep me from kissing her again and gave me a stern look. ‘You better not be joking right now. Show me that ring again.’
I loosened my hold on her in order to show her the ring. ‘What do you think?’ I cleared my throat. ‘I can take it back and you can pick a different one if you don’t like this one. You’ve got to wear it for a long time.’
She frowned at me. ‘No. Don’t be silly – it’s beautiful.’
I took it out of the box and, finding her hand, slid it on her ring finger. It was a little bit big. ‘I didn’t know your size, but we can take it back to have it resized tomorrow. They said it doesn’t take long.’
She curled her hand closed so the ring wouldn’t slip off but kept looking at it. ‘I love it.’ She sighed and gazed up at me. ‘And I love you.’
‘I love you too.’ Nuzzling her cheek, I breathed her in before kissing her soft lips again. Pulling back, I looked down into her eyes and said, ‘So, I was thinking: I haven’t got much money right now, but if we both work this year, we can save up and get married in the summer. What do you think?’
She nodded, her face beaming at me. ‘Sounds like a plan.’
We had the ring resized the next day, and everything was fine.
In hindsight, though, the ring being too big maybe should have been a sign. We were too young – with too many issues that we hadn’t figured out – to be making commitments for a lifetime.
***
Miranda
When Jack proposed, it felt like life was finally changing for the better. Even though we had been an item since I was thirteen, I still felt tingles up my spine when his eyes would find me from across the room. And feeling his hand at the small of my back whenever we went anywhere still made me feel cherished.
I had wondered if Jack would be less interested in little old me after seeing the world, and if things would be different after spending our summers apart, but those worries turned out to be unfounded. We slotted back to being Miranda and Jack – I was his, and he was mine, and that was that.
Throughout our relationship, we had barely ever fought or had disagreements. There was enough drama going on around us. Looking back, though, I wonder how healthy that was. There were things we should have talked about. Things that bothered me. Though we liked being together and would have long philosophical conversations, our conversations stayed on a theoretical level and never involved our real experiences or our feelings.
Jack didn’t like talking about feelings or hard stuff, and I learned to avoid bringing things up by going for long runs or distracting myself in other ways. But there were things I would have liked to have been able to talk to him about without being worried that he would try to shut me down or make light of the difficult feelings I was having. I still struggled with anxiety over Mum’s health and over Dad’s sobriety and wellbeing.
But though there were things I would have changed about our relationship, on the whole I loved being with Jack. He was constant, and caring, and wouldn’t be dragged into drama when things around me fell apart. Of course I wanted to marry him. Being his wife had been on my future to-do-list for years, and I had filled notepads practicing signing my name as Miranda Reid.
After speaking to our parents, we started planning a June wedding. By June, Jack would be finished with university, and though I would have two years left to go, the school year would have ended. And when Jack was offered a job in Hong Kong to start in August that year, we decided we would go for a year. I would take a study break so we could explore the Far East together.
Consequently, apart from saving up for the wedding, we were also saving up for our big move across the world. I made a budget and it became clear that although our parents would help pay for the wedding (and we weren’t planning for it to be a massive function), we still had a lot of saving up to do. I decided not to move out of Mum’s house, in order to save on rent. I had kept my job at the cafe and asked for more hours, and Jack found a job as a barista in town.
Winter passed in a blur with uni, wedding planning, and our jobs taking most of our energy and time. By the time April and exam time came around, we were both exhausted but giddy with how close our adventure was starting to feel. Then Mum went for a routine check-up and was told the cancer was back.
It blindsided us completely.
Mum had emergency surgery, and they found it had spread to the breastbone. It wasn’t ‘just’ cancer.
This time, it was terminal.
Dad, who had started coming round the house again and had been sober for almost a year, fell off the wagon and wasn’t heard from for two months. By that time, we had decided to postpone the wedding. It would be too much to get married, and I wasn’t going to go to Hong Kong whilst Mum was dying either. I decided to follow through with my study break, though, and would spend my time caring for Mum and working at the cafe.
As much as postponing the wedding was hard, harder still was that Jack decided to go to Hong Kong, anyway. He spent a long time deciding whether to go or to stay, but in the end a combination of him feeling useless in Edinburgh and the great job offer he had in Hong Kong made him opt to go. It was only a year, he said, and then he would come and marry me, and we could get on with our lives.
Or so we thought.
Chapter 18
Present
Jack
A couple of days after we came back from China, I went to see Miranda again. After spending the last few weeks together, it was weird not to see her every day, and I missed her.
A lot.
I figured I would go over there and see if I could charm her into changing her mind. Her resistance to getting back together didn’t make sense to me. She had clearly enjoyed our time in Asia, and her choice to go back to being just friends seemed contrary and… wrong. She wouldn’t tell me her reasons, and I wondered what she was hiding. Or if she was just scared.
When I got there though, she had a crying Julia on her couch.
‘Oh, hey Jules.’ I frowned, confused at the sight of the mountain of used tissues next to her. ‘What happened?’
Miranda looked at Julia. ‘Do you want him to leave? I can get him to go if you want?’
I shook my head at the hope in Miranda’s voice that she might have an excuse to get rid of me. She clearly knew exactly why I was there. I sighed. I would have to change tactics and play the long game instead. Pushing now would get me nowhere.
‘Nah, it’s ok.’ Julia faced at me, tears still streaking down her face. It was painful to watch. ‘Nick came back from America and broke up with me.’
Oh, crap. I ran my hands through my hair and down my face. ‘Are you sure?’
‘Pretty sure.’ She gave me a dry look through her still very wet eyes, as if to say I was being stupid. ‘He told me he wasn’t cut out for relationships and he wanted to end it before it was too late.’
‘The little idiot!’ I shook my head and groaned as I thought of all the implications of this. ‘Ah, no! Now I have to go kick his arse.’
‘Wimp.’ Miranda snorted.
I loved Nick as a brother, but I didn’t want to fight him. He worked in construction and lifted weights. I worked in an office and might go for a run occasionally. ‘Seriously? Have you seen his arms?’
‘I’m sure a strong guy like you can take him.’ Miranda’s voice dripped with sugary sarcasm.
‘Of course.’ I ignored her sarcasm and gave her my most charming smile before turning serious. ‘Still, I was hoping he’d straightened himself out and wasn’t going to make a pig’s ear out of it when he finally pulled his finger out and started going out with my sister.’
‘Well, you were wrong,’ Miranda said pointedly.
I narrowed my eyes and raised my chin.
Was that a challenge in her eyes? What else did she think I was wrong about?
Feeling more convinced she had broken things off because she was scared, I squared my shoulders. I had spent six years preparing myself to get her back. I wasn’t going t
o let her fears win.
‘I’m still here, you guys.’
Miranda turned back to Julia. ‘Yes, so why didn’t anyone tell us that he bought the flat?’
‘I don’t kn-’
‘He didn’t tell you?’ I frowned, pushing thoughts of Miranda out of my mind and focussing again on Julia.
Nick sent me a message over a year ago, when he first bought the flat off my dad, and we talked about it then. At the time, he asked me to keep it quiet, and as I figured that had to do with him not wanting people to know that he had money, I agreed.
‘You knew?! And didn’t tell me?’ Julia blushed with anger. She clearly took issue with being the last person know. If Julia had known Nick owned the flat, she would have been paying rent. Finding out that she was essentially squatting in what she had thought was her own apartment would have been humiliating. Especially if that piece of information came as Nick was breaking up with her.
‘Yeah.’ I winced and tried to downplay Nick’s stupidity. ‘He told me not to say anything – probably because he wanted to surprise you or something.’
‘Uh-huh, and what a surprise it was.’ Her dry tone said it all.
Resigned, I zipped up my jacket and pulled out my phone. ‘I’ll see you later,’ I said, and left the house whilst scrolling through my contacts. If I had to talk with Nick about breaking up with Julia, I would need Michael there.
***
‘Nick, you in there?’ I waited a few minutes before the door was opened.
‘Hey.’ He folded his arms across his chest, and leant against the wall, giving the appearance that he was relaxed. Upon closer inspection, though, the frown on his face and the apathy in his eyes were evident. He wasn’t relaxed.
He was hurting.
I pushed past him and toed off my shoes before going to get a couple of beers out of the fridge. I opened the bottles and handed Nick one where he sat on the couch. I sat down, taking a sip as I looked at him.
‘You look like someone killed your puppy, man.’
‘You here to insult me?’ He lifted an eyebrow. ‘Or beat me up?’