by Emma Browne
I narrowed my eyes at him. ‘But God has predestined our lives. He is all-powerful and is fully in control.’
‘Uh-huh. What if God, who is all-powerful, placed some restrictions on how he were to use his power?’
I huffed. ‘Why would he do that?’
‘To allow people to make real choices, so they could choose to have real relationship with God. If he didn’t allow people to make real choices, God would have had to settle for a robotic relationship where all the choices were really made by God.’ There was a hint of a smile on his face. ‘Kind of like playing chess against yourself. If you know exactly what move you will make when you turn the board around, then the fun of playing chess goes out the window. But if the other player is making their own real choices about what moves to make, even if you know all the possibilities of what the other player might do, suddenly chess can be interesting.’
I smirked. ‘I thought you said board games are for boring people?’
‘Uh-huh.’ He tilted his head. ‘But what if it was bigger than chess?’
‘Yeah, I see that it would be more interesting for God if we have free will. But that would mean that God isn’t in control of everything.’
‘Exactly.’ Michael nodded, then held up his hands. ‘Don’t get me wrong – I think there’s a lot that God is perfectly in control over. But perhaps God isn’t in control of our choices. Paul says that love “is not self-seeking” – so God doesn’t demand that things be done in his own way. Even when people make stupid choices, he won’t force his will on them. Perhaps God is just very much in control when it comes to how he responds to us. He will always, always respond to us in love and compassion, never insisting or forcing himself on us, but letting us choose freely.’
‘It sounds like you’re saying that God isn’t all-powerful.’
‘No, I’m saying maybe he puts some restrictions on his power, in order to allow us to make real choices that have real consequences. For us to be able to have real relationship with him. And if all our choices lead to everything being fun, then they aren’t real choices. And then we can’t have real relationship’
‘Ok, then are you saying God doesn’t make suffering happen, but he has to allow it as otherwise we don’t have real choices?’
‘Sure.’ Michael leaned back in his chair.
‘Yeah, ok, but Josie dying? Miranda’s miscarriage? Lisa dying? None of that happened because anyone chose for it to happen.’
‘No, and I don’t know why any of it happened, but I do know that, though God didn’t cause any of it, God can be found at the centre of it all. Because he is always looking for ways to bring good out of evil, and he wants us to know his love in everything we’re going through.’
The game had started again, and Michael went back to watching it. I kept my eyes on the screen, but my attention wasn’t on the game. Instead, I thought about the concept of free will.
Could it be that God didn’t make suffering happen? And that he wasn’t in control? That he allowed suffering because otherwise we would not have free will? But couldn’t he stop all this? Couldn’t he have some mercy?
And if he did, would he lose the possibility of having real relationship with us?
Chapter 36
Miranda
A week or so later, Sophia and I were sitting at my kitchen table with our laptops open. Sophia was working on marketing for Project Cup, and I was doing the accounts. We hadn’t been working for long, when Julia knocked on the front door. ‘Miranda? Are you in?’
‘In the kitchen,’ I called out, making sure to save the spreadsheet before closing my laptop.
Sophia and I both got up as Julia burst into the kitchen wearing the biggest grin. ‘Guess what?’
‘What?’ Sophia asked.
Julia held her left hand up and I saw what looked like a Haribo ring on her ring finger.
I frowned. ‘Are you playing the Haribo ring game-’
‘Nick and I got engaged!’ She jumped up and down and threw herself into hugging Sophia, who froze before seeming to make a conscious decision to engage in the hug.
‘What?!’ Sophia and I squealed as Julia pulled back, and I caught her hand to get a closer look at her ring. I raised an eyebrow. ‘This is a Haribo ring, though. Are you sure you’re engaged?’
Eyes wide, she nodded frantically. ‘He bought a ring in October that he’s going to give me, but he didn’t bring it to Kenya, so he gave me a Haribo ring for now instead.’
Sophia smiled and I put on a syrupy voice and said, ‘How sweet.’
She sighed, gazing at her ring. ‘I know. He is-’ Startled, the lights went on in her eyes and she snorted. ‘Ha-ha.’
We all laughed, and I caught her in a hug. ‘Congrats! I always hoped you guys would end up together.’ I motioned to the sink. ‘I’ll put the kettle on, and you can tell us all about it.’
‘Yes.’ Sophia nodded decisively and grinned. ‘We need all the details.’
That night, I struggled to fall asleep. Julia had told us all about how she and Nick got back together and filled us in on what they had done in Kenya. She had made some interesting contacts, and now there was a greater demand for funding.
It looked to me as though Project Cup was at a critical point. We had to decide whether to invest and consider how we could make the company grow, or to close it all down and be satisfied with what we had accomplished. I knew Julia and Sophia were both wanting to invest more, but I wasn’t so sure.
Our success was largely due to the sales at the Christmas market, and I wasn’t sure how we would be able to sell a significant number of cups without it. I had told them I would make a spreadsheet and look at the cost/benefit ratio, and we could make decisions next time we talked.
Then Julia had asked what we had been up to in Edinburgh, and Sophia and I looked at each other. Nothing much had changed for either of us, and yet it felt like everything had changed. For the better.
Definitely for the better.
It was definitely much better that Jack wasn’t coming round all the time anymore.
Still, as I struggled to get to sleep that night, I did feel lonely. I was thrilled for Julia. I knew what it felt like to be engaged to the person you loved, and I couldn’t have been happier for them.
Nick and Julia had been circling each other for a long time, and though I hadn’t expected them to come back from Kenya engaged, I had expected them to at least be dating again after spending the month together.
Still, why would God predestine some people to fall in love and have happy lives together, but predestine others to fall in love just to have their hearts broken? What I had done to deserve all the heartbreak I had been through?
What was wrong with me that God didn’t think I deserved happiness?
Julia moved back in with me over the next few days, claiming that living with Nick would be too much of a temptation as they wanted to save sex for marriage. I didn’t see much of her, though, as she still spent most of her free time at Nick’s flat.
A few weeks later, it was the beginning of March, and we were all hanging out at John and Karen’s. They had made Sunday lunch for the usuals to celebrate Nick and Julia’s engagement.
Since my last conversation with Jack, I still hadn’t been over there, as I figured I would only be a reminder to him of all the things that couldn’t be. But I couldn’t not go to Julia’s engagement dinner, so there I was.
‘Miranda, dear! Long time no see.’ Karen greeted me when I arrived, giving me a hug before pulling back, and framing my face with her hands as she searched my face. ‘Where have you been?’
I gave her an awkward smile and cleared my throat as my eyes found Jack’s on the other side of the living room. ‘Ah, I’ve been around. Just busy.’ I nodded as she pulled her hands away from my face and stepped back. ‘Super busy with, uh… work. You know?’
Her eyes clouded with concern. ‘Hmm…’
I pulled my lips into a smile that felt weird on my face. ‘Isn’t it e
xciting about Julia and Nick though?’
She clapped her hands together and smiled so wide I felt my own smile grow. ‘Yes, isn’t it great!’ She gave me a conspiratorial look and lowered her voice. ‘Of course, my children know how to pick the best people to marry. They get it from their father.’ She laughed.
I laughed, too, to cover how utterly awkward I felt. She must have either forgotten Jack had once been engaged to me, or she was trying to give me a compliment. Either way, awkward.
‘Not that Jack had the sense to hold on to you, but we’ll put that down to him being immature at the time.’ She scrunched her nose, and I wished for a sink hole to open and swallow me whole.
Thankfully, Sophia arrived then, and Karen went to say hi.
I took a glass of something bubbly off the table and took a deep sip, expecting alcohol, but was surprised – given Karen’s awkward comments – to find it was non-alcoholic. Maybe she was drinking something different.
During dinner I sat next to Sophia and Michael and we talked politics. I had never been that interested in politics, but Sophia and Michael were going on about an upcoming election in Canada, and I tried to seem interested in order to avoid speaking to other people. Jack was at the other end of the table, seemingly avoiding me as much as I was avoiding him. Thankfully nobody commented, although Julia gave me a few questioning looks.
Chapter 37
Miranda
After dinner, Sophia, Julia and I were sitting in the living room with cups of tea.
‘I’m so full.’ Julia groaned.
‘I know. Me too.’ I relaxed into the couch and put my feet up next to Sophia’s.
‘Let’s see your ring, again.’ Sophia stretched her hand out to look at Julia’s. ‘What kind of stone is that?’
‘It’s a Morganite, or some people call it a pink Emerald.’
‘It’s gorgeous. I love the rose gold as well.’
‘Yeah, me too.’ Julia pulled her hand back to look at the ring. ‘Nick bought it months ago because it reminded him of me, and just kept it. At the time he never intended on giving it to me, but he bought it because he didn’t want anyone else to have it.’ She sighed. ‘Almost like it was God’s plan all along, right?’
I nodded. ‘Sure sounds like. I mean, we’ve all been waiting for you guys to-’
‘What did you say?’ Sophia sat up properly, tilting her head to one side.
Julia frowned. ‘I just meant it feels like God had it all planned out all along. There I was, heartbroken when Nick broke up with me, but God knew we’d get back together. And now, here we are!’
‘No!’ Sophia burst out. ‘I know you believe in predestination, but there are too many things wrong with seeing things that way.’
I cleared my throat and tried to catch Sophia’s eyes to stop her getting onto her soapbox. ‘Sophia-’ I started, but it was too late.
‘I’m sorry, I don’t want to rain on your parade, but I really think you’re wrong about God planning our lives like that.’
‘What are you saying now, Soph?’ Michael sat down next to me and set his coffee on the table.
‘She’s starting a fight.’ I muttered, and he smiled at me. It was a shame he was fake married to one of my best friends. He had the nicest smiles when he gave them out, and I thought maybe if I found somebody like him to spend my life with, then things would be ok. Michael wasn’t boring in any way, we would have lots of fun together, and my heart would be entirely safe from falling in love with him.
Nick came in and sat down next to Julia, taking her hand in his, as Jack sat down in the armchair next to them.
I sipped my tea and avoided looking at him, so I didn’t have to deal with the assault of attraction I felt for him
‘What are we fighting about?’ said Nick.
‘I’m not fighting. I’m just objecting to how Julia thinks God planned for her and you to be together, and all that happened leading up to this point was part of his plan for you guys.’ She frowned. ‘That’s not fighting. I’m just saying I disagree.’
‘Uh-huh.’
‘No,’ she shook her head. ‘I don’t just disagree. I most vehemently disagree.’
‘There you go.’ I glanced at Michael. ‘Fighting.’
‘What?’ Nick asked. ‘What do you disagree with? Do you not believe in God now?’
Sophia shook her head again in irritation at him. ‘No, of course I believe in God. I just don’t believe he plans our lives like that. I don’t believe he predestines us to go through hard shit, and I don’t think he watches us as we go through that pain with an amused smile on his face, knowing we’ll end up coming through it to experience good things in the end.’
‘No?’
‘No!’ Sophia cleared her throat and seemed to realise she was coming across a bit strong. ‘Don’t get me wrong, I’m thrilled for you guys. I think it’s great you’ve found each other. Finally.’ Her lips pulled up as she looked at them, as though she had reminded herself that she should be more personable and not just confrontational. ‘I just don’t believe you were predestined to end up here in this way. Or at all.’
‘Why not?’ Nick asked.
Julia and I looked at each other and groaned. ‘Really?’ Julia said. ‘Ask her questions like that and she’ll keep going.’
Nick frowned. ‘Good. I want to understand how she thinks it works if she doesn’t think God has good plans for us.’
‘That’s just the thing!’ Sophia said, excitement visibly running through her as she raised her hands. ‘I believe God has good plans for us because he is a good God. But they are plans, plural. Not one plan that we’re then stuck with.’
‘Same difference, isn’t it?’ Jack asked.
I couldn’t help looking at him, but I didn’t like the feelings that rose at the sight of his unshaven face and circles under his eyes. He looked like he hadn’t slept in a month. Like he was lonely and sad.
I wished I could have reached out and stroked his face or taken his hand in mine.
‘Not at all. If there’s a plan that determines what happens in life, then God plans for evil. He doesn’t just allow it, but he plans it out. And I can’t accept that to be true, because that makes him the author of evil, which cannot be because the Bible calls God kind, loving and good.’
‘Uh-huh, and if there are many plans?’ Jack raised his eyebrows.
I tore my eyes away from him and focused on Sophia.
‘Well, that implies the future isn’t set, but no matter what happens, God has thought of the possibility of that happening, and he has good intentions for us as we make choices to live a specific future.’
‘Huh.’ Nick nodded. ‘Actually, that’s kind of beautiful. It implies Julia and I are together because we want to be together, not because we’ve just gone through the motions of a set plan God came up with.’
Julia looked at him and sighed. ‘Yes, that maybe beautiful, but it also means she doesn’t believe God knows what will happen.’
Nick looked at Sophia in question.
‘Exactly.’ Sophia nodded.
‘But the Bible says he is all-knowing,’ said Julia. ‘In which case, he’s got to know.’
‘I think he is all-knowing in that he knows everything there is to know.’ Sophia said, tea forgotten. ‘But even God can’t know things that aren’t knowable.’
I put my empty cup on the table and leaned back against the couch. ‘I honestly don’t see what difference it makes what God knows or what he doesn’t know. Why can’t we just agree it sounds like God had a good plan for Julia and Nick, and leave it at that?’
Sophia was having none of it though. ‘Because.’ She pulled her hands though her hair in frustration. ‘Because it makes a difference what you believe about who God is. And he isn’t a sadist with evil plans for us to go through trauma. He isn’t the author of evil.’
‘Ok.’ I shrugged. ‘So maybe he didn’t plan for what they went through, but he knew about it before it happened.’
‘No!
’ Sophia was getting more and more agitated. ‘He didn’t know-’
‘Yes, because if he didn’t know, then he isn’t all-knowing!’ Julia cut in.
Sophia took a deep breath, and Michael cut in. ‘I think what Sophia is trying to say is that God knew all the possibilities of what might happen, and that’s why there is no way of coming up with a scenario that he won’t have thought of. But he didn’t know with one hundred percent’s certainty which scenario would be the one they picked. Although, as he knows everything there is to know about both of you, he probably could have guessed at roughly what you might end up doing.’ He shrugged. ‘And the way we think around how much God knows makes a difference to how we understand him.’
‘Right.’ Sophia nodded. ‘And if God knows we’re going to go through something awful but does nothing to stop it, it’s like if I know Nick is about to go kill Jack. If I don’t try to stop him, or notify the police, and I’m later found to have known, I could be considered an accomplice and equally responsible for the murder.’
Nick’s eyes narrowed as he looked at her, ‘Are you saying that if God knows something will happen, it means he would be, at least partly, responsible for whatever happens?’
‘Yes.’ She tilted her head and held out her hand to rest in the air. ‘But there is no evil in God. He is love, and there is no room for even a shadow of evil to exist in his plans for us. That’s why it is impossible for him to set a future where we choose to do things that don’t align with his love, and it’s impossible for him to know a set future.’
‘What do you believe then?’ Jack asked, and my heart stung as I looked at him.
Would I ever stop missing him?
‘I think God knows all the possibilities, but he leaves it up to us to choose.’ She smiled. ‘But then – like Michael said – he knows us very well, so I’d expect he’d be able to make a very educated guess as to which choices we’re more likely to make.’