by Emma Browne
‘Which is…?’
‘Whether God will continue to love us whatever our circumstances are.’
‘Huh.’ I bit my lip as I thought about it. Could it be as simple as that?
‘Yeah, I’ve been thinking more and more that that’s right.’ Jack spoke up.
I turned toward him in surprise. ‘I didn’t think you believed in God?’ Looking at him brought back the memory of the cheek kiss I had given him when I last saw him, and the way he had stroked my hair, and how he smelled so good.
I felt my cheeks heat, and quickly looked away.
Michael rolled his eyes. ‘Honestly, this not believing in God thing is such a ridiculous concept. Most people believe in God – people just struggle to define what God is.’
‘Sure.’ Jack started pouring water into the glasses on the table. ‘I believe in God, but I think my view of him has changed a bit recently.’
Intrigued, I wondered what that meant, but I didn’t get a chance to ask, as it was time to eat.
That night, I looked up the passage in Matthew which Nick had referred to about how we didn’t have to worry about anything, because look at the flowers and birds. It came just after Jesus saying things like there was comfort for those that mourn, and mercy for the merciful, and that those that were pure in heart would see God. And then, at the end of that chapter, he went on to encourage his listeners to love not only their friends, but their enemies, because that was what God did.
I put my Bible on my bedside table and turned the light off. It struck me that maybe this love was the essence of what God was. What would my life be like if I was to live it as though God was really loving?
I remembered the youth weekend I had been on in Oban as a teenager, and the YWAM team member who had talked about how committing a whole life to God might seem daunting, but it was okay to try it out for a little while.
And I remembered how Mum used to have a cross stitch hanging in the kitchen, which I took down when I redecorated after she had died. It said Taste and See That the Lord is Good. I smiled as I remembered how Dad used to look at me when I was little and Mum had cooked something new that didn’t look appetising to me. Replacing the Lord with the food, he would use his most dramatic voice – as though he was reciting Shakespeare – and say, ‘Taste… and see… that the food is… good!’
Maybe it was time to taste and see for myself whether God really was good or not.
That night, as I pulled up the duvet and snuggled in, I closed my eyes and whispered, ‘God. If you are as loving as some people say you are, then maybe I would like to work out how to follow you?’
Chapter 46
Miranda
The next day, I was in the lunchroom at work when Angus came in with his sandwich.
After the almost kiss back in January, I spent several weeks trying hard to avoid him. It turned out it was all for nothing, though, as the next time I saw him everything was back to normal. As though that awkwardness had never happened. He was one of those good people who were awkward enough as they were, and therefore couldn’t be bothered to make things more awkward if they could avoid it.
‘Hey,’ I said.
He shook himself, as though he had been deep in thought. ‘Hi.’ He smiled when he saw me, showing off his dimples. ‘You having soup?’
‘No.’ I held up the container with my salad. ‘It’s Salad Monday today.’
‘Oh.’ He frowned. ‘I didn’t realise that was a thing.’
I smiled and got my fork out. ‘It isn’t. I just made it up.’
He relaxed and unwrapped his sandwich. ‘I see. It seems most days are soup days for the ladies here, otherwise.’
I nodded. ‘I think some people think soup will help them stay in shape. I can’t do it, though. Whenever I have soup for lunch, I feel like killing someone by the end of the day.’
‘Yes, it’s a mystery to me.’ He shook his head and I got the feeling it was just one of a long list of mysteries he had observed women do. ‘I signed us up for the race I was talking about. Are you still up for it?’
‘Uh-huh. Although we haven’t decided whether we’re going to continue with Project Cup yet.’
‘Why not?’
I grimaced and looked down at my salad. It was a good idea, and between the three of us I was sure we could make it work. So why did I hesitate? ‘I don’t know,’ I muttered.
He studied me for what felt like a long time. ‘Huh.’ He leaned back in his chair. ‘You’re chickening out.’
I put my fork down and threw him a glare. ‘It’s not chickening out if it’s based on data.’
‘Really?’ He shrugged. ‘Sounds like an excuse to me.’
‘Some of us have bills to pay. You know.’
‘Excuses, excuses. I’ll help you raise the money you need to employ someone.’
I narrowed my eyes at him, communicating my suspicion. ‘Why would you do that?’
‘I don’t know. Maybe some things are worth taking some risks on.’ He shot me a wry smile. ‘When I’m old, I don’t want to look back on my life and think huh, I’ve lived a safe life, you know? We’ve got to approach – not avoid – our fears.’ He leaned forward and squeezed my hand across the table. Lowering his voice as though he was telling me a secret, he continued, ‘I know that in this field, safety and risk management is everything, but real life happens when there’s some risk involved.’ He grinned and pulled his hand back, waving it toward me. ‘Like, you’ve got to ask the beautiful accountant out for a date to see if there’s any possibility of more there.’
My cheeks grew hot and felt my shoulders tense. ‘Umm…’
‘And sometimes it’s a dead end.’ He shrugged. ‘But who knows what risk might end up paying off in the end?’
‘Yeah, about that…’ I started, intending to explain my behaviour after our awkward cheek kiss, but struggling to find the words.
‘Don’t worry about it. I took a risk and gained a friend.’ He smiled a reassuring smile. ‘Think of all the things we might miss out on if we live life the safe way.’
‘But the data…’ I tried.
‘Data, shmata.’ He seemed to catch himself. ‘At least that’s how I want to live my life. But you do you.’
I huffed. ‘Right.’ We ate in silence as I pondered his words. ‘Are you saying you really think you can help with getting funding?’
His mouth widened, showing his dimples off as he said, ‘I don’t know if it’s possible, but I’d be happy to give it a go.’
Something inside me felt taunted by his optimism. Maybe because it revealed that my hesitation to take risks was less about being responsible and more about how cynical I had become. I sighed. ‘Maybe you should come to our next board meeting. Julia would like you.’
‘This Julia sounds like a wise person.’
I snorted. ‘She’s annoying, and her head’s in the clouds – always coming up with new lofty ideas – but sure.’
I spent the rest of the afternoon trying to focus on work but found myself mostly staring out the window thinking about anything other than work. When I was old and looked back on my life, what would I see? What did I want my life to look like?
I tried to put my attention back on the spreadsheet in front of me. I was good at spreadsheets and risk calculations, and I normally enjoyed doing it. But maybe that was my way of avoiding the things I feared? Maybe it was time for me to take a few risks. Even if I ended up losing out. Maybe taking a risk on Project Cup would be like tasting to see if God was good.
I reminded myself that God being good didn’t mean my bills would miraculously be paid. And I still didn’t have a solution for Dad’s possible rehab bills.
But maybe I could step out of my comfort zone and see what might happen? Maybe I could try to trust that God would still love me and be kind to me, no matter what happened? Maybe it was time I trusted that God would still love Dad whether I could afford rehab for him or not?
Yes. It was time I made some changes to my life.
***
The following Saturday morning, Julia helped me make a big salad to go with the fresh bread rolls I had put in the oven for lunch.
‘I think I’m getting the hang of this cooking thing, don’t you?’ Julia asked as she put the salad in the fridge.
‘Uh-huh.’ I smirked. ‘As long as there is no actual cooking involved, and you stick to doing what you’ve been told to do, then you definitely do great in the kitchen. For sure.’
‘Haha.’ She threw me a glare and muttered, ‘Well, we can’t all be Nigella freaking Lawson.’
I laughed. ‘Don’t be so hard on yourself. Nick likes cooking, so you won’t starve.’
‘I guess.’ Her shoulders slumped. ‘I burned a boiled egg a few days ago at Nick’s.’
‘Huh.’ I bit my lip and tried to keep the laughter from slipping out. ‘How did you manage that?’
‘I left it boiling and forgot about it.’ She wrung her hands and lifted them to her lips as she winced. ‘All of a sudden, there was a loud bang, and when I got there, the egg had exploded and the whole pot was black. I couldn’t get the pot clean and had to bin it.’
I shook my head and got some cups out and set them on a tray for making drinks later. ‘I didn’t know it was possible to burn a boiled egg. What did Nick say?’
‘Last night he asked if I’d seen the pot. I told him a neighbour had asked to borrow a pot, so I had given it to them.’ She closed her eyes, as though she was too embarrassed to keep them open. ‘But he didn’t buy it, because the only neighbours in the house are a seventy-five-year-old Iranian man who is away visiting his nephew in Germany, and an arrogant man in his mid-thirties who yells at kids and drives a leased car, which he inspects every Saturday morning to make sure it hasn’t got any new scratches before he goes golfing. And then there’s an older lady who is always cooking – you can smell it in the hallway all the time. Hence, when Nick asked who I’d lent the pot to, Kevin or Janette, I froze. Neither of them would ever come asking to borrow a pot.’ She grimaced. ‘I ended up confessing and told him I’d replace the pot.’
I tried to keep my smile from spreading too wide. ‘What did he say then?’
‘He laughed, and he told me he wasn’t laughing with me, but at me.’ She shook her head and held up a hand in the air. ‘As if he’s so cool, just because he happens to be good at cooking.’
‘Uh-oh.’
‘I know! I’ve told him nobody likes a know-it-all, but he doesn’t seem to care.’ She shrugged. ‘And then he went on to make me pancakes, and they were amazing. I guess he’s a know-it-all with some redeeming qualities.’
I snorted. ‘Oh. I’m glad he’s forgiven.’
Julia laughed as there was a knock at the door. ‘I know; I’m such a generous person sometimes.’ She went to answer the door as I counted out cutlery to go with the plates I had put out on the counter.
‘Miranda?’ Julia hollered from the hallway. I went over and found Angus on the front step. He gave a stiff smile and held his hand up in a little awkward wave when he saw me.
‘Hi, Angus, come on in.’ I introduced him to Julia, and he held out his hand to shake hers.
‘Oh, so you’re Angus.’ Her lips pulled up, and her eyes sparkled as she shook his hand and glanced at me. When he turned to take his coat and shoes off, she mouthed, ‘Interesting.’
I pressed my hand to my stomach to ward off the sinking feeling at seeing the glee on her face. Maybe it hadn’t been a great idea to invite Angus to come to the board meeting without explaining it to everyone first.
Julia went about trying to find out every piece of interesting information about Angus as we went back to the kitchen, where the timer for the bread in the oven went off.
‘Don’t feel you have to answer all her questions,’ I said, as I searched for my oven mitts.
‘Oh, it’s all fine.’ Angus said as though trying to reassure both me and himself that he was okay.
‘Yeah,’ Julia said as she threw me a pointed look. ‘Angus says it’s all fine.’ Turning back to him, she nodded approvingly. ‘And, how long have you guys known each other for?’
I snorted and turned to take the bread out of the oven when Michael and Sophia arrived. As they came in, Julia introduced Angus to them. He seemed to visibly relax when Michael rescued him from Julia’s interrogation by asking, ‘Was that your bike out front?’
Michael and Angus went to sit down in the living room, and Sophia turned to me. ‘He’s fit.’
I felt my cheeks heat and tossed my oven mitt at her as I busied myself with transferring the rolls onto the cooling rack. ‘He’s a friend.’
‘Of course.’ She agreed too easily. ‘A very fit friend.’
Angus had kind eyes, and he was intelligent, and talented. And good looking. His lean muscles, dimples and symmetrical face were very attractive. ‘I have eyes,’ I agreed, and met her eyes. The laughter in mine must have satisfied the question in hers. There was no spark between Angus and me. There was only one person I had ever found any spark with.
I glanced at the doorway of the kitchen when I heard Nick and Jack arrive, and winced as Julia said, ‘Have you guys met Angus, Miranda’s friend?’
My stomach felt like I was on a rollercoaster as Jack cleared his throat and held out his hand to shake Angus’s. ‘No, I don’t think so. I’m Jack.’
When I had invited Angus to join our board meeting, it had been a spur of the moment thing. And when I had thought about it afterwards, I had thought it was a great idea. He was well connected and understood the vision and – most importantly – he wanted to help. It had seemed practical for him to come along. But as I watched as Angus and Jack shook hands and realised who the other was, my stomach felt as though it were in freefall. I realised now how stupid an idea it had been.
Jack knew I had gone out with an Angus the evening before I told him about the miscarriage, consequently Angus being here now made it look like we were a thing, and like I was trying to show everyone that I had moved on from Jack.
When Jack looked at me, a question in his eyes, my world stood still. Part of me wanted to tell him Angus was just a friend – nothing more. But the other (more selfish) part of me wondered why I should explain anything at all. We had both agreed there was no future for Jack and me, so why should Angus be any of Jack’s concern?
I knew the answer to that question, and maybe I hoped – just a wee bit – that Jack would be jealous. It wasn’t rational or very mature of me – I know – but there was a part of me that just wanted what it wanted.
And it wanted Jack.
That part of me found it hard to breathe when he looked at me like I was the only person in the world. It made the rest of the world seem out of focus, and all I could see was him.
Only him.
‘Mir?’ Sophia cleared her throat loudly and ran her hand down my arm to get my attention.
I gave my head a shake and tried to focus on her. ‘What?’
‘Should we eat here, or in the living room?’
‘Um…’ My brain wasn’t working properly. ‘Whichever.’
‘Are you okay?’ She whispered.
I nodded sharply. I was fine. I would be fine.
Her eyebrows lifted, and her eyes told me she knew. ‘Let’s eat in the living room,’ she said. ‘We’ll fit better there.’
‘Sure.’ I glanced toward Jack, who was talking to Nick and Angus. He seemed… relaxed. I wiped my hands on my jeans as I battled the confusion at his lack of reaction to Angus being here. Maybe it would all be okay? I took a deep breath and tried to apply myself to making sure everyone had what they needed for lunch.
An hour later it was clear that bringing Angus along to the board meeting like this had not been a good idea. At all.
Jack was being perfectly appropriate – almost too friendly – to Angus, and it was rattling me. I knew I had no romantic interest in Angus, but Jack didn’t. Still, Angus being there didn’t seem to bother Jack one bit. And Jack’s apparent indi
fference irked me. Did he not care at all if I moved on? Had our relationship been worth so little to him?
I tried to tell myself it was a good thing. It meant Jack had come to terms with the fact that we weren’t right for each other. But it stung that he didn’t seem the least bit jealous. We might never be together again, but there would never be anyone else for me. Still, he had clearly moved on.
Julia offered to make teas and coffees before we started the board meeting and took Nick along to the kitchen. Jack was chatting away with Angus, Sophia and Michael, all of them getting on like a house on fire.
Which was great. Really great.
Still, the longer I watched, the more depressed I felt.
‘Miranda?’
I was startled out of my thoughts as Sophia put a hand over my hands, which were wringing each other. ‘Yes?’
She stood up and motioned toward the door. ‘I need a word outside.’
I followed her onto the front step, and she closed the door behind us.
‘What’s going on?’ She asked.
‘Nothing.’ I answered too fast, and I could tell she didn’t buy it.
‘Don’t be silly. You look like you’re thinking of killing someone.’ She gestured toward my face.
‘Yeah, well, maybe I’m a little annoyed.’
When I didn’t continue, she said, ‘With…?’
‘With Jack,’ I whisper shouted. ‘I’ve just brought a guy to the meeting, and Jack hasn’t even batted an eye.’ I waved my hands in the air. ‘How could he move on this fast? He’s not even a little bit jealous.’
Sophia took my hand. ‘That’s good, though, right?’
‘What? No! It’s like he never cared about me at all.’
‘But you said you guys will never be together again. This is what you want, isn’t it?’
I took a deep breath and tried to collect myself.
‘You want him to move on, and maybe one day you can be friends again, remember?’ Sophia pressed.
‘Right.’ I croaked around the big stone which had lodged itself in my throat and looked away. ‘Still, it would be nice if he hadn’t erased me entirely so soon.’