by Kendall Ryan
I could feel Evie stiffen in my arms at the cruel words, and as I looked into her tear-filled eyes, an icy rage had flowed through me.
“We didn’t have to bring her. We wanted to,” I’d snapped. “And she might be clumsy, but at least she’s not a stuck-up bitch.”
Annalise had taken off in a huff, taking my chances of getting laid along with her, but I didn’t give a shit. Because Evie had looked up at me with that smile.
Why had it taken so long for me to see what I saw in her now?
And how the fuck was I going to explain all this to her brother in a way that didn’t tear us all apart?
Chapter Twenty
Evie
Who would ever compare?
That’s what I found myself thinking as I sneaked a peek at Smith out of the corner of my eye. He was focused on the road, his profile superhero clean, his strong, capable hands on the wheel, a small smile playing about his firm mouth.
If it was just his looks, maybe I could have dealt. Looks weren’t everything, after all. But it wasn’t just that. The past weeks had been magical. He made me laugh, he made me come, he made me feel important and grown-up, and best of all? He made me feel heard. When I spoke, he didn’t sit there texting on his phone like a lot of the guys my age did. He looked at me and he really listened, his phone nowhere in sight.
I shifted in the passenger’s seat and held back a sigh. This was exactly why I’d made the whole casual edict so adamantly in the first place. Not for Smith. Smith was all about casual. In fact, I was pretty sure he’d never done anything but casual aside from one long-term girlfriend, and even after they’d broken up, he certainly hadn’t shed any tears.
No, the casual label was for me. I’d hoped that the more I said it, the more I could remind myself that this was all temporary.
Every last bit of it.
The sweet dates, and even sweeter kisses. Having Smith’s undivided attention. Feeling his hands . . . and mouth on me. And when it was over, things were going to have to go back to the way they were.
I was a smart cookie. Surely, just like memorizing state capitals, if I repeated it often enough, it would stick.
But apparently, the line between my brain and my heart was out of order, because while my rational mind accepted the inevitable outcome, my heart was on a whole other level. Filled with hope and anticipation and excitement. It was making plans and promises, and daydreaming about babies.
Stupid fucking heart.
My throat ached and my eyes burned with pre-emptive grief. Funny, I’d always been the careful one, and the one time I took a risk . . .
There was no question about it. This one was going to leave a mark. A long-lasting, indelible scar on my heart.
Exactly, dummy. And there’s no changing it now. What’s done is done, so you might as well enjoy it while you’ve got it.
Resolved to do exactly that, I shoved aside my melancholy and glanced out the window, watching trees flash by.
“Where are we going, anyway?” I asked, straightening in my seat and shooting Smith a questioning glance.
Our past dates, I’d typically met him somewhere away from our usual hangouts so we wouldn’t get spotted together, but tonight, Smith had insisted on picking me up. Now, though, I realized we were headed north toward somewhere outside the city. There was nothing this way but houses and churches.
“We’ll be there in about sixty seconds, and then you’ll see,” he said, his half smile ramping up to full power.
That smile was like being kissed by the sun, warming me through to my core, and I realized I didn’t give a crap where our date was, as long as I was with Smith.
He pulled down a cul-de-sac and into the driveway of a modest but cozy-looking house I’d never seen before.
“I probably should’ve warned you to wear an old shirt, but I’ll buy you a new one if this turns out the way I think it will.”
It was only then that I realized that he was dressed super casual himself. A hoodie and a pair of worn jeans as opposed to my new sweater and high-heeled boots combo. Now my curiosity amped up to code red, and I gaped at him.
“What the heck is going on, Smith? Are we meeting some friends of yours for a double date or something?” And if so, wouldn’t that news get back to my brother?
But I kept that last part to myself because I realized with a start that I wanted to meet Smith’s friends. I wanted to know everything about him. Become part of his life story for real instead of just a note in the margins. The melancholy threatened to return like a gray cloud, but I pushed it away again.
Whatever tomorrow brought, tonight I was with a guy I wanted, I liked, and I trusted. So tonight? I was going to take happiness by the balls and squeeze out every last drop.
“I don’t think I’d call it a double date, exactly, but . . .”
He trailed off as the front door swung open and Smith’s older sister Pam came charging out in a wrinkled dress, running a brush through her hair as she went. I’d never been one to run in heels, but Pam was wild-eyed and sprinting like the devil himself was on her heels. Her husband, Tim, who I’d only seen in pictures, followed behind, grinning broadly.
Smith motioned for me to step out of the car. I did, and he followed suit.
“You guys. I can’t even tell you how much this means to me right now. Like—” Pam broke off, her eyes filling with tears as she clutched my forearms. “I thank you. My husband thanks you. My sanity thanks you.” She dragged me in for a hug and then pulled away. “I’d love to stay and chat, but I’ve got to go before Winnie notices I left.” She shot a fearful glance over her shoulder and then dashed toward the passenger’s side of the minivan in the driveway, blowing Smith a kiss from afar. “Love you, bro. You’re the best. And you have my number. But don’t, like, use it unless someone is literally on fire.”
Tim chuckled and ran a hand through his red hair, making it stand up on end as he gave Smith a hearty slap on the shoulder. “Finn has decided that sleep is for quitters, Mac just projectile shat on the dress Pam had started out wearing, and Winnie flushed Pam’s bracelet down the toilet. We need a break so bad, my man. We are forever in your debt.”
“Tim! Christ, please frigging hurry before they see us,” Pam hissed before turning her gaze toward Smith and me. “And you two, hustle on inside. They’ve been alone for forty-seven seconds. They could have already booby-trapped the place by now, so enter at your own risk.”
The minivan doors slammed shut and the vehicle’s tires actually squealed as they back out.
Smith turned my way and his grin faltered a little as he took in my shell-shocked expression.
“Okay, so I know this looks bad. But I swear, they’re exaggerating a little. If you’re miserable, I won’t be mad if you call an Uber to take you home, and you can pick the next date, all right?”
I gnawed on my lower lip, blinking hard to keep the tears burning the back of my lids from falling. How could I possibly explain how I was feeling without scaring the hell out of him?
I’m not crying because I want to leave. I’m crying because I’ve never wanted to be anywhere more than I want to be here with you, right now.
Instead, I mustered a smile and settled for, “Are you kidding me? Kids are a blast. We’re going to have a great time. Let’s do this.” Then I let my mouth pull up into the smile I’d been trying to keep in.
Smith looked so relieved, the vice grip on my heart loosened a little, and I chuckled.
“Although, between you and your sister, I gotta tell you, I’m half expecting these kids to be swinging from the chandeliers, so let’s head inside,” I added.
He rounded the car and popped open the trunk, tugging out a bag before closing it.
“Don’t be scared. They’re not so bad. They’re what we like to call spirited.” He closed the distance between us and took my hand. “Come on. Let’s get inside so I can introduce you to the wrecking crew.”
The next few minutes went by in a frantic blur. Copper-haired
Winnie introduced herself to me and then promptly brandished a foam sword and demanded that I get my sword “or die a miserable death!” while Finn slugged me in the crotch with a Nerf gun.
While I was defending myself from that onslaught, Smith had dropped his bag in order to chase baby Mac, who in the short time that we’d been outside with Pam and Tim had decided that the diaper life wasn’t for him anymore. He was tearing around the living room buck naked, his plump little baby buns jiggling for all the world to see. And damn if he didn’t make dimpled butt cheeks look cute. It was a look I wished I could pull off.
And through it all, I hadn’t stopped grinning. I couldn’t have wished for a better date. Because, casual be damned, Smith had let me in. The love he felt for his niece and nephews was so plain to see, it was etched into his every feature.
I’d met his sister Pam a few times when I was younger, just because our brothers had spent so much time together, but this was different. Smith had brought me here to spend time with the people in his life who mattered most to him.
It might not mean anything, Evie. He could have just forgotten that he’d promised to babysit, and you got folded into the mix.
But, damn it, it felt like it meant something. It felt like it meant . . . everything.
“Do you want to have a tea party with me?” Winnie asked, dropping her sword and eyeing me speculatively.
I nodded and squatted to meet her at eye level. “Of course. Who wouldn’t want to have a tea party?”
She jerked her chin toward baby Mac, who was still diaperless and was currently attempting to ride the dog. “Macky hates tea parties. All he wants to do is poop and eat Cheerios.” She rolled her eyes and gave me a conspiratorial grin. “Babies.”
“I’m going to order pizza,” Smith said, finally getting a handle on a squirming Mac and tucking him under his arm like a football. “What do you want on yours?”
“M&M’S,” Finn piped up. “And pineapple.”
Smith made a gagging noise and ruffled Finn’s hair. “I’m going to have to veto the candy on there because it’s both sacrilege and disgusting, plus your mother would kill me. But the pineapple is a go.”
Finn nodded, his face solemn. “I accept that compromise so long as we can have some of the M&M’S from that bag you brought when it’s movie time.”
Smith barked out a laugh. “How do you know there are M&M’S in there?”
“He always brings M&M’S,” Winnie whispered, cupping her hand to my ear in order to protect her secret.
I couldn’t help but smile, equally in awe of the man as the kiddos were. Seeing him in action like that, watching him navigate this situation with humor and ease, was fascinating.
As the night progressed, Smith and I had zero time alone together, but it was right up there with one of the best nights of my life. The kids had boundless energy, and the life and laughter in this little house was everything a family should be. I soaked it in like a sponge, committing it all to memory. Every uninhibited childish guffaw, every baby squeal of delight, every mess, and every hug.
By the time ten p.m. rolled around, the pizza boxes were empty, the kids were sprawled out across Smith and me on the couch, and I was on cloud nine. Glowing from the inside out, exhausted, but happier than I could ever remember being.
“Thank you,” I murmured softly, running my index finger through Mac’s feathery blond hair and shooting Smith a watery smile. “Thank you so much for inviting me. They’re amazing.”
He nodded and reached out to tuck a strand of hair behind my ear. “So are you. They’re nuts about you.”
I wish you could be nuts about me too, I wanted to whisper. But I held it in and tucked it away deep in my heart.
Life could be a grind sometimes, but tonight had been a rare gem. An oasis of perfection. No way was I going to ruin it.
He leaned in, past baby Mac and over little Winnie, and pressed a soft, gentle kiss to my mouth. As his tongue swept across mine, I said a little prayer.
Come on, Smith. Just give me one chance . . . . and maybe a little hope that we can make this real.
Chapter Twenty-One
Smith
“I love those kids.”
I could still hear the warmth in Evie’s voice as she watched Pam’s little monsters running around like lunatics as they played indoor tag.
After the night we’d had, most women would have left, shell-shocked and ready to have their tubes tied. A few might have stuck it out with a grin-and-bear-it attitude. But I was pretty sure almost none of them would have joined in and wound up covered in s’mores under a pile of exhausted little bodies at the end of the night.
Evie hadn’t put up with it, or done it to humor me. Her cheeks had glowed with pleasure, and her lips had been tilted up in a perma-smile. By the time I’d dropped her off at the end of the night, she’d been sporting a pair of crooked braids courtesy of little Winnie, and an electric-purple manicure that covered almost as much of her fingers as it did her nails, but I’ll be damned if she’d ever looked more beautiful to me.
My brain instantly supplied an image of her in that peach lace teddy, and I found myself grinning. Okay, so maybe it was a tie.
The thing that was becoming clearer by the day was exactly how much I enjoyed Evie’s company. Whether she was writhing against me, begging me to make her come, or belly laughing beside me as we watched a movie, she’d managed to work herself into the very fabric of my life.
And I liked it.
I waited for the feeling that always followed that realization. The fight-or-flight response that made me do something stupid to fuck things up, or cut bait and walk away. But cool, never-get-attached Smith was dead silent. Maybe he was dead altogether, because all I felt was hope and excitement for the future. Anticipation of more nights like the one we’d spent with Pam’s kids.
Maybe with our own kids someday?
I gulped down a mouthful of now-tepid coffee, then set the empty mug in the sink.
As crazy as it would have seemed a month ago, now the thought of having some rug rats of my own—rug rats with Evie Reed—didn’t seem crazy at all.
Which meant it was long past time to make an honest man of myself and talk to Cullen. Whatever the outcome, it had to be better than Evie and me sneaking around like a pair of star-crossed teenagers. Cullen was a grown man. He’d be pissed at first, but he’d come around. And then I could finally make this right. I could finally have Evie like I’d dreamed about.
I thumbed through my contacts and tapped Cullen’s number, my muscles tense as I waited for him to pick up.
“What’s up, man?”
He was slightly out of breath, and I glanced at my watch. Eight a.m.
“You already running?” I asked, striving to keep my tone light.
“Nope, just did shoulders at the gym and am about to hit the pavement. Want to join?” he asked.
Seemed like the running trail was as good a place as any to get into this shit. And, hey, at least we’d be close to the lake in the event he straight-up murdered me and needed an easy place to hide the body. After all the lies I’d told him, the least I could do was make it convenient for him.
“Yep, I’m in,” I said. “Meet you by the flagpole in fifteen.”
I was chill as ice cream as I changed into my gym pants and laced up my kicks, but by the time I reached our designated meeting place, my heart was hammering a drumbeat against my ribs. The cadence felt oddly like the lyrics to a song with only one word.
Trai-tor.
Trai-tor.
Trai-tor.
“What’s up, asshole?” Cullen jogged up behind me and punched my shoulder lightly.
I managed a grin in spite of the dark cloud hanging over me. “Hey, prick.”
“Glad you called,” he said. “We haven’t hung out in a while.”
Guilt weighed down my stomach, and suddenly the last thing I felt like doing was running, but I sure as shit couldn’t back out now.
“Yeah, been busy,
” I muttered, following his lead and doing a few perfunctory stretches.
“That’s okay. Today’s my five-mile day, so we’ve got plenty of time to catch up,” he replied with an evil grin. “Ready, chump?”
Shit.
I’d been banking on the whole run plus a cooldown taking thirty minutes, tops. I had it all planned out in my head. Ten minutes of bullshit, another ten spent on work stuff, and then, just when he was starting to get short of breath, I’d test the waters on the whole Evie thing.
Short and sweet.
Best of all, if things didn’t go the way I hoped, we wouldn’t be stuck running next to each other, stewing and pissed off. He could go his way, I could go mine, and he’d have the rest of the weekend to cool off.
Five miles from soup to nuts was going to take at least forty-five minutes, maybe even closer to an hour. We hadn’t even started yet, and already that length of time felt interminable.
Lies will do that to you, you jackass.
“Yup, let’s rock and roll,” I said with a grim nod.
We took off at an easy jog, letting our muscles warm up and getting into the groove. Cullen chattered about a blind date he’d gone on that went horribly wrong, and I found myself having to slow my pace because I was laughing so hard.
“A lot of people have pictures of themselves in their apartments, Cull. I have a couple of me and you hiking, and that fishing trip—”
“No, see, that’s what I mean,” he said, shooting me an incredulous look over his shoulder as he jogged. “These weren’t group shots. It was literally just dozens of pictures of herself with her cats on every available surface. They were everywhere. In some, she was looking over one shoulder, like old-style glamour shots, and in others, she was leaning her chin on her hand looking off into the distance. So when I mentioned that she sure had a lot of pictures of herself, you know what she said?”
I shook my head, waiting for the punch line.
“She said, ‘If I don’t love myself, how is anyone else going to love me?’”
I chuckled and sprinted toward him to catch up again. “Isn’t that like a Dr. Phil quote or some shit?”