by Kendall Ryan
“Wait, what?” I ran a hand over my face, still baffled by his logic, but also fighting tears. “No, but . . .” I motioned to the television.
“It’s no different. I would think my girlfriend could understand that.”
I choked on my words, trying to find the right ones, until finally I said, “Okay. Just give me a little time to process this, all right?”
Surely, if I loved him, this should be no issue. I was young. Hip. A cool girlfriend.
After that night, I’d done some googling and discovered that I wasn’t alone. He was right; plenty of guys did watch gay porn and weren’t gay. In a way, that was comforting, and again I threw myself into trying to make him happy. I bought things online and looked up different techniques, and still every time I walked away a little bit more broken than I had been before. A little bit more unsure about myself and my ability to please him.
I glanced at Lara, wondering if she was recalling the whole mess too, but her eyes were practically glued to an illustration of a cartoon man, complete with little arrows to highlight the erogenous zones.
I flicked through the glossy pages filled with fragrance ads and photos of happy women crunching on salads, stopping on a numbered list of ways to “Empower Your Inner Goddess.”
Maybe if I’d done that with Greg, I could have escaped with some of my self-confidence and dignity intact instead of being the last sucker to know.
“Okay, fine, what the hell. I’ll give it a try,” I muttered.
I skimmed through the list, which mainly focused on different ways to think about your underwear throughout the day, then glanced up at Lara. “I think my inner goddess is even more boring than my outer goddess.”
She made a tsking noise. “Stop, would you?”
The next section focused on work—how to tell your boss what you wanted, how to stay sexy on the job, what kind of underwear to wear to the office.
My stomach clenched at the word office.
“Do you think this career advice actually works?” I asked, trying to keep the edge of panic out of my voice. Not only had I lost Greg, but I had been working with him in the café he’d opened a little over two years ago. At the time, I’d told myself that I was sacrificing my dreams to help build his, and then, once his goal was realized, we’d find time for me. That we’d be partners in making our dreams come true.
As it happened, though, I was pretty sure I’d just been the best source of cheap labor.
Even now, I could hardly remember what my dreams were back then. As a teen and young adult, I’d spent every summer working at summer camps, teaching the kids sign language and arts and crafts. During school, I always worked in a day care and volunteered at an after-school center.
I guess that was what had always come naturally to me. I talked to Greg a couple of times about it. I definitely asked him once, when and if we ever got married, whether we might find time for me to go back to college for my teaching certificate. Eventually, it would have been nice to be a speech therapist. But now . . .
Now I was twenty-five and broke. And I didn’t think my underwear—no matter how flashy—was going to make my professional dreams a reality. I was going to have to find a job. Fast.
“What’s the worst breakup you ever had?” I asked Lara.
She blinked, closing her magazine for a moment. “I thought we weren’t talking about—”
“We’re not. I’m asking about you.”
She wrinkled her pert nose, her heart-shaped lips tilting to the side. “Probably Tim Erickson. My first love in high school. He dumped me right before prom.”
“How did you get back on your feet? What did you do?” I asked.
“I ate a lot of Chinese food.”
I nodded.
“Then I went to prom with someone really hot.”
I raised my eyebrows. “Oh?”
“Yeah, my cousin.” She laughed. “But my ex didn’t know that. Oh, and I got a part-time job. Got a new boyfriend out of that too.”
“Hmm.” I placed the magazine in front of me, then sat up cross-legged on the pull-out.
“Will you hand me my computer?” I asked.
“Uh-oh, I see gears turning. What are you up to?”
“Maybe fresh starts have some merit. I’m going to get started. Now, let’s see. I have to—” I opened a new tab on the Internet browser. “Find a new apartment.” I opened another tab. “Get new furniture.” I opened another tab. “Buy food for said apartment.” Another tab. “Find a job.”
Lara snatched the computer away from me. “Maybe let’s focus on one thing at a time. You look like you’re about to hyperventilate.”
I couldn’t deny it. My chest was so tight that it hurt to breathe. “Okay, fine.”
“Now, what kind of job do you want?” Lara asked, her voice therapist-calm.
“Something better than the damn café.” I sniffed. “If I never smell coffee again, it’ll be too soon.”
“The hell you say,” Lara hissed. She was a coffee lover.
“Fine. Okay, for real, though. Maybe something with kids?”
“That’s good. You’re great with kids.” Lara typed furiously and then scanned the entries on the jobs website while I stared at the laptop screen. “Oh my God, I found the perfect one. You’re never going to believe it.”
She swiveled the screen around and I glanced at the listing. It was a full-time nanny position. A single father was hoping someone could become a live-in nanny for his twelve-month-old little girl.
“Live-in?” I read aloud.
“Isn’t it perfect?” Lara asked. “Room and board, and a job to boot. Like all your prayers have been answered. He wants someone nurturing and attentive, loving and patient. That’s you all day.”
“That’s nice of you to say.” I read over the description again, then my eyes widened when I reached the salary. It was more—much more, in fact—than I’d been making at the café. And with none of that money going toward rent . . .
“This is sort of a no-brainer, huh?” I asked.
Lara grinned, and I clicked on the listing’s e-mail address, hoping that this was exactly as perfect as it seemed.
Despite myself, excitement and hope bubbled up inside my chest, and I tapped away at the keyboard with a thrill of newfound energy.
Everything could be different.
All I needed to do was land this job . . .
Chapter Three
Max
Somehow I did it. I’d survived my first three nights alone with my daughter. My entire house was trashed and we’d eaten out for almost every meal, but hey, this was survival. Those restaurants with carry-out specials where you park in a designated spot and they bring your food out to you? Those were my new favorite thing.
I hadn’t slept much, my work had suffered, and it was all ten times harder and more overwhelming to take care of a small person than I ever imagined it would be. But I was alive and so was Dylan. That had to count for something, right?
Dylan was currently playing with a set of plastic measuring cups and spoons on the kitchen floor. We needed to go shopping. Groceries, toys—you name it, I probably needed it. But I didn’t want to fill my house with plastic junk she didn’t need. I wasn’t going to be one of those crazy helicopter parents. I was going to be a cool dad. I wanted to raise a little girl who knew how to use tools, not one who was obsessed with becoming a Disney princess.
The doorbell rang, and I could have dropped to my knees with joy at that moment. It meant Addison Lane, one of the nanny candidates, was here for her interview.
Surveying my living room, I inwardly groaned. It looked like an M-4 had detonated in here. Stray clothes, dirty dishes, and toys were scattered everywhere.
Shit.
Since it was too late to do anything about it, I pushed it from my brain and picked up Dylan from where she was playing on the floor to go and answer the door.
I wasn’t a religious man, but when my hand met the doorknob, I paused just before pullin
g it open and said a silent prayer. Dear God, please let her be nice and normal and have a deep, unending love for children. Her résumé and qualifications were stellar, so it was going to come down to gut feeling today. If she was as sweet and nurturing as she’d been on the phone, she could have the job.
Pulling open the door, I looked out at the woman standing on my porch.
“Oh, hi,” the brunette said, turning to face me.
When she turned, I felt like I’d been punched in the chest. Desire swamped the air between us, and lust burned low in my groin. She was pretty—a girl-next-door type with high cheekbones, a full mouth, a lush and perky rack, wide brown eyes fringed in black lashes, and curves to the moon and back.
Fuckity fuck. This was not a good start.
“You have such a beautiful piece of property,” she said, twisting her hands in front of her.
I looked at the yard, admiring the view, trying to take a moment to cool myself down. The property was the whole reason I chose to build here when I moved back home after leaving the military. Something about it felt serene to me, the way the huge old oak and pecan trees in the yard sheltered the house from the road, and moss grew in the shade beneath them, but I was surprised she felt the same way. Most people didn’t even notice, or at least they didn’t comment on it.
“I’m sorry. How rude of me not to introduce myself. I babble when I get nervous. I’m Addison.”
She was nervous? I thought I was the only one with a heart jackhammering out of my chest.
I stuck out my hand and shook her delicate one. “Max Alexander. And this is Dylan.”
Addison’s full lips pulled into a happy grin. Dylan smiled back at her, waving her chubby fist in greeting.
Dammit. I should have closed the door in her face the second I saw her smoldering-hot curves. Or maybe I should have included in the ad that I would only consider candidates with at least two hairy moles on their face. As it was, though, I’d done neither, and was therefore forced to watch the silent bond forming between this gorgeous stranger and my daughter.
It happened in the space of an instant. So quickly that, if I hadn’t been looking, I might have missed it. But now there was no denying it. Both of Dylan’s arms were outstretched, and she was gurgling for a chance to get a closer look.
And, frankly, so was I.
Addison glanced at me, and I noticed that she had a dimple in her right cheek to match Dylan’s. Still grinning, she motioned to the baby. “Do you mind if we get acquainted?”
“Not at all.” I shook my head and took a step inside, ushering her into the foyer.
Addison swooped in, expertly transferring Dylan from my arms to her own, and that singular instant of skin-on-skin contact was enough to make my cock stand up at attention. I opened my mouth to ask her a question, but before I got the chance, she was sinking to the floor, letting Dylan down to sit in front of her.
“Hi, little miss.” Addison waved her hand again, and when Dylan gripped her finger, shaking it happily, she cooed, “You’re awfully friendly, aren’t you?”
Was she? I racked my brain, trying to remember if Dylan had acted this way with anyone else she’d come into contact with in the past few days. I couldn’t remember her crying when strangers addressed her, but she’d never begged to be held by them either.
“So, tell me about her,” Addison said, craning her neck to look up at me. I was painfully aware that, from this angle, I could see straight down the front of her shirt, enough to see the lush curve of her skin and the top of her lacy pink bra.
I sank to my knees next to them to keep from perving out on my potential nanny even more.
Truthfully, I had no idea what to fucking say, so I just winged it. “Well, I’m trying to raise her to be independent. I don’t want her dreaming about finding some white knight to take care of her. I want her to be practical and strong in her own right.”
Addison nodded, and a strand of silky brown hair fell in front of her face. “That’s so great. What sort of things does she like to do? Go to the park? Listen to stories at bedtime?”
I opened my mouth and closed it again, my mind blank. In three days, I’d learned how to soothe Dylan’s temper and how to change her diaper. I’d finally come to recognize when she was hungry and when she needed to sleep, but in terms of her personality . . . well, that sort of thing took time.
And time was the one thing we hadn’t had together. At least, not until now.
“How about we focus on the particulars of the job first?” I asked.
Addison frowned slightly, her cheeks reddening, but she nodded again. “Sure, sounds good.”
She giggled as Dylan blew a spit bubble at her, and I forced myself to focus on the task at hand.
“Okay, so I’ve looked over your résumé and everything seems in order. You have a long history of child care for someone so young.”
Her eyes softened. “I really like kids a lot. Always have. It’s one of those things, you know?”
“I guess it is.” I nodded. “So, this job would be a little different from summer camp and day care. It’s a full-time commitment, meaning that if Dylan gets up in the middle of the night—”
“I’m on the job,” she cut in with a bright smile. “My goal would be to make your life easier and ensure that you feel Dylan is happy and safe at all times. Does she often wake up in the middle of the night?”
I paused. Maybe?
“No. Not usually.” Hoping Addison didn’t notice my hesitation, I briskly continued. “I have a housekeeper who comes on Saturdays, and though I usually work out of the home, I’ll sometimes need you to take care of Dylan while I’m in my home office, and ensure that she doesn’t distract me.”
“Not a problem.” She tweaked Dylan’s nose, and the baby squealed with delight.
“Food and board are included, plus your salary, and you would be provided with a card for your grocery expenses and any necessities you might need for Dylan’s care.”
“Wow, you really thought of everything,” Addison said, and Dylan let out another shriek of glee.
I cleared my throat. “Do you have any questions for me?”
“Um, where would I be staying?”
“Right.” I got to my feet, and holding my breath, held out my hand for her. As she took it, allowing me to help her to her feet, I hoped to God she couldn’t feel the tense pounding of my pulse in my fingers. “I’ll show you.”
She bent over, and I looked away to avoid staring at the curve of her ass as she scooped Dylan into her arms.
Where would she stay? Where would I stay? I’d been around this woman for less than twenty minutes and I was already harder than a fucking baseball bat. Damn it all, if she was living with me, I’d have to sleep in a tent in the backyard just to keep myself away from her.
Although, at the rate I was going, I could just sleep in the tent in my pants.
I bit back a groan and tried to think. Maybe I could pretend to have impossible standards and tell her I was going to keep looking, or maybe . . .
I turned to find Dylan still giggling in Addison’s arms, her bright eyes shining as she studied the woman holding her, and everything else stopped. This choice wasn’t about me. It had to be about Dylan. About what Dylan needed, what she wanted.
And she clearly wanted Addison.
“This is Dylan’s room.” I opened the first door at the top of the stairs, but not enough for Addison to see that it was practically empty except for the diaper bag Dylan’s mother had left with me. Quickly, I moved to the next door and opened it. “This would be your room.”
It had been a guest room before, and it bore all the neutral, indistinct furniture and linens of a room without personality. I glanced at her over my shoulder, and she nodded.
“Wow, a king-sized bed. I’ve never had one of those.” She let out a low whistle.
“Then next door,” I said as I pointed, hating myself, “is mine.”
Which means only one wall will separate us at night.<
br />
I clenched my fist inside my pocket. “The door on the opposite wall is my office, and the door at the end of the hall is the guest bath, which you and Dylan will share.”
“Great.” She nodded. “And in terms of compensation?”
I breathed deep. I could cut in half the salary that I’d listed online. That might send her running for the hills. But then I glanced at Dylan again and remembered Addison’s sterling résumé.
“Ideally, I’d like to go with what’s listed in the ad you responded to. We can talk about more once you’ve gone through a trial period and we see how things are going.”
“That all sounds great.”
I told her about her health benefits and vacation time, and when I was done with my spiel, she gave me another enthusiastic nod.
“So, I guess there’s only one thing left,” I said.
This is all about Dylan, I reminded myself. Not you. Her.
I let my gaze sweep over Addison one last time. Maybe if I pretended she had something terribly wrong with her, it might make it easier.
“When can you start?” I asked.
“I got the job?” She grinned, snuggling Dylan a little closer to her. The baby snatched a lock of her hair and yanked it, but if Addison noticed, she didn’t show it.
“Absolutely. If you don’t mind, it would be great if you could start tomorrow. I know it’s short notice, but—”
“No, no, it’s fine. Completely fine.” She handed Dylan back to me. “This is going to be great. I’m so excited.”
“We are too.” I nodded. “So we’ll see you at eight tomorrow?”
“You’ve got it.”
Boy, did I ever. And bad.
With a few more parting words, she hustled out the door, and then I set Dylan in her high chair and got down to making us lunch.
“It’s going to be great, kiddo,” I muttered, giving Dylan a pep talk that was clearly meant for myself.
Tomorrow, everything was going to be easier. Once Addison was here, things would go back to being about as calm as before Dylan arrived.