Totem

  I shimmy my way out of my bra letting it join my shirt on the floor as I push my body against his, feeling warmth as our skin touches more intimately. The slightest touch of his skin against the sensitive pink of my nipples feels like electricity igniting. It surges in waves shocking me back to life. I kiss deeper and deeper wanting more. I want to feel something again. I move closer pressing my body completely into his until there is no more space left to fill. I want him. I want him badly.

  With sudden strength, Ty grabs my body holding me in place. The kisses stop. A deep sigh raises his muscular chest as our forward progress hits a brick wall. I rest my head on his shoulder staring off at the wall directly behind him. Emptiness slowly fills my chest back up. A single tear trickles down my face and I bury my head in his shoulder.

  “I know what you’re doing,” begins Ty. His words vibrate my chest as he talks. “I know how shocking it can be when you find life dangling in front of you. It leaves you questioning things. It seems too easy for that single spark in a living thing to go out yet life itself is so hard. I watch people struggle daily with things knowing full well their life will be over before mine and it is a brief moment most people get to live in this world. It is so brief sometimes you ask ‘Why Live?’ Then you search. You search for anything and everything to feel alive. You make decisions quickly enjoying the rush hoping that it would fill the empty void of a traumatic experience, but it won’t Kimber.”

  “You know I want this,” I state. “We have discussed it.”

  “Yes,” replies Ty, “and I also told you I want it to be special for us.”

  My chest is filled with an empty void again. All the effort I put forth to try and fill it now seems futile. My body musters up more tears from somewhere inside and they begin to fall. I know Ty is right. I know I just want to feel and I also know that there is nothing special about this moment. The experience of losing who I am in Ty through sex will be just that. I will give up who I am to find a small amount of relief from the pain and emptiness.

  “All it will do, Kimber, will leave you wanting more. You will crave it more and more like a drug. Until, like a drug, it poisons you. You become jaded and your mind only thinks of selfish needs. I do not want that for you, Kimber.

  When you asked me what I wanted on the beach last semester, it was you. I fell for who you are as a person. I know everyone changes and I fully intend to grow with your changes but I refuse to let you go down paths that compromise who you are deep down to your core. At least let me protect that.”

  I nod my head acknowledging his words. Curiosity begins to grow in me. His words seem to come from personal experience. I want to know more about him, but I am afraid of what I will find.

  “Have you…” I begin stumbling over my words, “lost yourself through love?”

  His body tenses and immediately I know the answer without him ever saying it. I knew though, he will answer me truthfully. I do not know if I am ready for this or if it will cut me.

  “Yes,” replies Ty. “In another life many years ago I did and I will not take that path again.”

  He hugs me tightly and I feel the pain of his words in my chest. My mind reasons with myself. I knew he couldn’t be as old as he was and still be a virgin. That would be silly. Part of me also knew that the girls in the past didn’t mean anything. Otherwise, they would be here in my place and they are not.

  “I think that is why I want the first time with you to be special. Not just for you, but for me too. Can you give me that?”

  I think about it for a few seconds. Slowly I nod my head.

  “What’s that? I can’t hear you.”

  “Yes,” I say pulling away to look him in the eyes. “Yes, I can wait.”

  He plants a kiss on me then slowly sits me down on the bed. Getting up he hands me the glass which is filled with orange juice. Thankful for the liquid, I drink it quickly. I decline the food on the plate but cannot argue away the vitamins that Ty hands me. He will not allow it. Quickly, I gulp them down chasing them with some orange juice. Placing the empty glass on the night stand I cuddle back into bed as the weight of sleep begins to press down upon me. I should put my shirt back on and cover up, but it is just Ty with me. I feel completely comfortable with him. I feel the covers move as Ty cuddles in behind me. He wraps his arms around me.

  “Let me know if I need to move,” states Ty concerned with my comfort.

  I nod my head once again too tired for words. Complete silence surrounds us and in the comfort of his arms I find solace. Before I am weighted down by sleep, I manage to whisper three words.

  “I love you.”

  “I love you, too.”

  Two months later…

  Ty pulls up to the Omni in his beautiful mustang. With one nod of his head, the valet quickly comes over to my side first opening my door then going around to his side. I stand in my black high heels and fitted slate grey dress, both a present from Ty for our three month anniversary. Although we have been dating and getting to know each other much longer, it was that night back from winter break that marked the beginning. I think it is silly to celebrate only three months but I cannot deny Ty anything. He steps up on the curb with a smile that still melts my heart as he escorts me into the building.

  The uneven slate concrete in front is borderline treacherous in my heels as we walk up to the beautiful hotel. The windows are framed with shutters that are so familiar to the streets of New Orleans and gas lamps flit making the building both warm and inviting. As if to continue with the ambiance, a man dressed in a bell hop uniform holds the door open for us. A warm smile brightens his face. I catch sight of the restaurant and begin to turn that way. Ty stops me. With a smile, he leads me to the elevators in the back of the lobby.

  “I thought we were eating here,” I comment as we wait for the elevator.

  “We are,” replies Ty with his signature crooked smile.

  I smile up at him as the elevator pings and opens. I have quickly learned not to question Ty too much. Since Mardi Gras, I have become a prized possession that needs to be cared for and nurtured. It has become almost an every week occurrence that he would surprise me with flowers or dinner. He showers me with gifts to let me know he cares for me. His affections also fill me emotionally. Perhaps it is a way for him to fill up the emptiness I feel inside. It helps but only I can find fulfillment. So I did. Slowly with the passage of time and the experiences of life, I began to appreciate everything around me. It didn’t seem hard to do in a city like New Orleans.

  The city is its own living entity. The sights and sounds that make the city so unique also ensnare a person’s heart captivating it. A person becomes nothing more than a slave to a culture and way of life so rich that you crave more. I am no exception. It helps fill the emptiness, etching a place in my heart forever. I am as much in love with the city as with the man standing beside me.

  The door pings open as the quick ride to third floor ends. We exit going right then make another right turn heading down the long hallway. Ty pulls out a key card tucked in the inside of his jacket pocket of his grey suit. We arrive at the door on the corner. It has no number, merely a suite name. He places the key card into the brass colored hardware on the door.

  “Close your eyes,” he states before opening up the door.

  I give him a speculative look. His surprises are getting out of control and this is just another example of how out of control it is. Reluctantly I close my eyes. He takes my hand slowly leading me into the room. I hear the sound of jazz floating through the room. The smells of New Orleans waft on the breeze as little tendrils of my hair move across my face. A few steps later he releases my hand. I open my eyes and the sight in front of me takes my breath away.

  We are standing in a living room. The only light in the room comes from candles placed on every available surface. The floor to ceiling windows from downstairs can be found on two sides of the wall as open French doors lead out to terraces. Rose petals litter the floor and on the stand in fro
nt of me is a bottle of champagne. The whole site is lavish and beautiful. It is more than any woman let alone a poor college girl can ever imagine. Ty grabs two champagne flutes and begins pouring.

  Without words he hands me one. He takes my free hand leading me out onto the left terrace where a table is set for two. Plates of food already line the small iron table. I step closer to note the steam trickling off the hot dishes. I wouldn’t put it past Ty to plan everything perfectly so the dishes arrived seconds before we did. I look over the balcony towards the sounds drifting from Bourbon Street merely two blocks away.

  “Ty,” I say breathless. “This is too much.”

  He gestures for me to sit down and I oblige. Then he takes the seat across from me gesturing for me to begin eating. I pick up my fork which is his signal to begin talking.

  “I told you I wanted to do something special for our first time,” he responds.

  “You mean our first anniversary?” I ask.

  “Well, that,” he begins hesitantly, “among other firsts.”

  I take a bite of my food which would normally taste good, but in light of the new proposition Ty has thrown in tonight, I cannot taste anything. I merely chew and quickly swallow.

  “So you are ready?” I ask knowing full well I have been ready since the day I met him.

  “Yes,” replies Ty with a smile. “I have been ready. I just wanted it to be special for you.”

  I roll my eyes and give him a look. Any place, anytime, anywhere would have been perfect for me. I have suppressed things for so long that I was running on fumes. I take another bite of my food, chewing slowly as I stare down Ty.

  “Ok, ok,” laughs Ty holding up hands in defeat. “Yes, I am ready.”

  I smile. I gently place the fork on the plate taking a large drink of champagne to wash the food down. I stand quickly, taking Ty by surprise. Maneuvering around the table I close the physical distance between both of us. I lean down and kiss him hard. He rises to the occasion from his seat. With my heels on, we are almost the same height. I place my hands on the contours of his face as he wraps his arms around my waist pulling me into him. He presses me up against the railing of the terrace and I cannot be more turned on. I give in to the passion I suppressed for so long shrugging Ty out of his jacket letting it fall haphazardly onto the chair. With excited fingers I begin undoing the buttons on his dress shirt accidently ripping two off. His hands begin to make their way up my dress.

  Anyone who knows where to stand and look up from below will be getting a show, but I do not care. I do not know those people and they do not know me. All I know is that tonight is the night. Ty lets out a low animalistic growl as he finds the zipper on the back of my dress. Slowly he begins to pull the zipper down as he pulls me off the balcony and into the living room.

  “The bedroom is down the hall,” says Ty in between kisses.

  I pull the shirt off of his back letting it hit the floor carefully avoiding candles. He finishes unzipping my dress. With nothing to hold it up, the grey dress falls loosely to the floor leaving me standing in my black lingerie. I decided to wear it to match my high heels which still garnish my feet. He steps back and looks me over.

  “Damn.”

  The words make me smile. I feel my cheeks blush as if a stranger has given me a compliment. Ty wraps me in his arms kissing me harder than I have ever felt him kiss me before. My feet lift off the ground and I feel him move as he begins the first two steps to the bedroom. That is when we hear it.

  It is distinctive. The scream echoes off the buildings and into the open windows of our suite. My heart cannot help but to reach out. My human reaction is to fear for the safety of the lost soul on the street. Ty and I rush to the window expecting to see a pair of red eyes. I expected to see the unnatural movement of a creature not of this world. Instead what we find is very human. On the street is a man grabbing a woman’s purse. The woman holds on unrelenting as she lets out another scream.

  I look at Ty. A struggle rises inside of him and etches his face. I can tell he wants nothing more than to complete this perfect night he has set out to create, but life always has other plans for him. I look at the face of the man I love and begin to laugh. He looks over at me inquisitively.

  “I love you.” I state leaning in and kissing him on his luscious lips.

  He looks at me confused. I know that tonight will not be the perfect night he wants it to be. Even if he lets this very human thing happen without his intervention, I know it will haunt him the rest of the night and the moment which should be so precious and special to the two of us will be lost.

  “Well, go on! You don’t have much time before the purse and the criminal are gone. Get out of here!”

  I wave my hand in the direction of the crisis. He looks at me and smiles. With one kiss on the lips, he jumps out on to the balcony. The familiar vibration of air around him begins as he shrinks to the size of a raven, his signature animal. With one loud cry the black bird is off in the direction the mugger has fled. With no frame to support them, Ty’s pants crumple to the ground in front of me. I smile as I bend down and pick up the dress slacks only slightly humored by the lack of underwear.

  I have learned long ago that Ty has foregone the cotton briefs because they are too much of a hassle putting back on and off all the time. Not to mention it is one less article of clothing Ty has to stow away in random places over the city. I fold the pants over my arm and pick up his jacket. I hang them up in the closet. Wrapping in a bath robe, I return to the two plates of food on the table outside and carry them inside. Now that I can think straight, I realize just how hungry I am.

  I know Ty will not hurry back to me. Inevitably the woman will need to be checked out by doctors. Then there will be a police write up along with any other details that need to be handled. That’s what happens when the crimes are very much human. The nonhuman crimes are lawless and much easier.

  I blow out all the candles, turn on a light and flop on the couch. I leave on my heels which compliment my bra and panties because it makes me feel sexy. I grab my plate of food and finish it off. As soon as I am done, I flip through the channels on the television while finishing up the champagne until I get tired. The doors to the terrace are still open and will remain open for Ty’s return. I make my way back to the rose petal covered bed where I cuddle under the covers and pass out.

  Soft kisses bring me out of the world of dreams. I feel his breath upon my neck and smile as I open my eyes. Sunlight streams through the window and I hear birds chirping in the French Quarter. I turn around. I am greeted by a cleanly showered Ty and cannot help but pout.

  “You didn’t want me to take a shower with you?” I ask.

  “You looked so beautiful sleeping that I didn’t want to wake you.”

  “What time is it?”

  “Almost 7:00 a.m.”

  “When did you get in?”

  “I got in around 1:00 a.m.”

  “And you didn’t wake me?”

  “You looked so peaceful and beautiful that I wanted to let you sleep.”

  I give Ty another fake pout before turning back over. He folds my backside into him and wraps his arms around me.

  “I am afraid your suite went to waste.” I state apologetically.

  “It was worth it just to wake up beside you and see the light touching your hair.”

  His words warm me. I nuzzle into him and look through the cracked curtains of the window lazily. It is such a beautiful moment that I get lost in it. I lose myself in this time in this place with this man. As if to say the same, Ty kisses the back of my hair letting his lips linger there.

  “There is something else I wanted to ask you last night before we were so rudely interrupted,” states Ty.

  “What would that be?” I ask lazily.

  No doubt Ty wants to do something else that is surprising and romantic. I lay there in his arms preparing my heart for some great romantic gesture.

  “I need to go back in front of the tribe elders
,” he states.

  “Don’t you always go in front of them?” I ask

  “Yes…but this time is different. They need you… I mean, I need you to go in front of them with me. They want to meet you.”

  “Just meet me?”

  “Well, there is more to it than that. They allowed me to start dating, but the deeper you get into my world, the deeper you get into theirs. So it no longer becomes a concern of just mine but of them too. They need to meet you and approve.”

  “So basically what you are saying is that I have to get permission from them to date you,” I reply.

  “In a way, yes.”

  I am glad that my face is turned away from him so he cannot see my reaction. I am conflicted. We have come so far and learned so much about each other. Now I feel like we are back where we started when everything was uncertain. Where I felt like I was walking on egg shells. Where I had to filter things I said for fear they would come out wrong like they have in front of others in the past. My heart begins to beat faster. My biggest fear perhaps is losing a man I know only comes once in a lifetime. Can I afford to lose him? Can I walk away from him if the answer they give us is no? Questions begin to flood my mind.

  Ty wraps his arms tighter around me. Kisses softly land through my hair as he breathes me in comforting me yet allowing me to think.

  “I will be there with you. We are in this together, but if you don’t think you can stand in front of them, I completely understand. I am asking a lot of you.”

  I take a deep breath and turn around in the bed adjusting the covers as I turn. I wrap my top leg around Ty and look into his eyes. The light chocolate brown eyes that captivated me from the very beginning now search my face inquisitively for an answer. Even without looking into his eyes, I know my answer. The truth is I will walk through fire if it means being with Ty. I have faced death openly because it gave me a chance to know him and the same will be true with the elders. I will gladly stand there despite what the outcome is because even if it is the end, it would give me those last few seconds with him. Those are precious moments that will be mine to keep no matter what the final outcome will be.