by Ines Vieira
Carlos Silva is such a man. To be in the presence of a person that pure of heart, it gives even the most faithless people, hope that there is still good in the world. It strengthens the belief that even one person can make a definite change in an already messed up existence. That’s the pull that these people have. They inspire you to be more. To do more. Because at the end of the day, we all should strive to be that selfless.
“Quaid! You came, my boy! So good to see you again,” Carlos says as he pats me on the back. A couple of guys that are on the porch take notice of the familiar introduction and start eyeing me up and down. There is one in particular who can’t take his eyes off me which I’m not too comfortable with. If Carlos wasn't here, I would have already asked what his problem was.
“Wouldn’t miss it, Carlos,” I say while eyeballing the bun-wearing punk. He gives me a smirk like he’s reading my thoughts and I can’t help but stand a little taller so he can get a good look at who he’s trying to intimidate and failing to do so.
“You know this guy, Tio?” he asks.
“Of course, I do. This is Quaid Stevens, the best linebacker Riverside as ever seen. Quaid, these are my nephews,” Carlos replies, with his charismatic smile and continues to pat me on the back as introduces me to the whole dark haired group.
“These two that won't take their eyes off their cell phones are André and Mateus, but you can call him Matty, everybody does. And these two troublemakers are my eldest, Tony and Alex. They’re good boys, but they have been known to give me a gray hair or two,” he chuckles.
“Sure, Tio. You positive it’s not mother nature that's taking its toll on you, old man?” The one that Carlos introduced as Alex jokes. His face is open and friendly, just like his uncle, while the one named Tony continues to size me up trying to establish if I’m worth his time. It’s written on his face that he preferred I take two steps back and just walk away. But one thing I learned while playing football is that intimidation is only as good as the actual follow through, and I doubt he’d make his sentiment known in the presence of his uncle, or even in his uncle’s home for that matter.
“Decker, my man, you made it. Your girl’s not here yet, so chill out with us a bit before the ball and chain arrives,” Alex grins at Decker, and they quickly fist bump each other.
“Hey, I don't want you talking like that when she gets here, dude. Your teasing will get me in hot water later on, so cool it, yeah?” Decker says as he fist bumps Tony. Then from the corner of my eye I see, André, or maybe Mateus, swing back his phone and then swing it forward in a quick motion, and we hear a loud whipping sound come from his smartphone, which sets off all of the brothers in robustious laughter
“You are so whipped, Decker! Is Ronnie on her way with your balls in her purse, too?” André asks. Again it could have been Mateus.
“Arry haha! Very funny, squirt. At least I have balls. Yours are still ready to drop aren’t they, Matty?!” Decker teases the red-faced kid, but now I know which brother is which.
“Fuck you, Decker!” the kid says.
“Now, now boys, language. The little ones are running all about, and God forbid they learn yet another word like that and blurt it out at Midnight Mass like our little Timoteo did last year. Grandma Irene was not pleased with that debacle,” Carlos grins.
“Come on Quaid, let me introduce you to the rest of the family.”
Both Decker and I follow Carlos, and I am immediately hit by the warmth of his house. The living room is full of loud chatter and Christmas music and true to his word, I see small children running around the house through the middle of their adult relatives, blissfully happy running after each other in a game of what I assume is tag. Not only does the heat of the home hit hard enough that I immediately take off my winter coat and offer it to be hung by an elderly lady who introduces herself as one of Carlos older sisters, but the aroma of sugar and spice inflames my senses. On every flat surface is an abundance of food and drink. Food so foreign to me but with such a delicious smell that I can’t resist and grab what looks to be some kind of French toast. The sweet taste of brown sugar and cinnamon hits my tongue, and I swear that I have never tasted anything so delicious. Then I take a bite out of a small cake that is crunchy pastry on the outside and sweet custard on the inside, and I change my mind again. Now that’s the sweetest thing I’ve ever eaten. I make a mental note to jog an extra mile tomorrow because there is no way I’m leaving this house without trying at least one of everything. But before I take a bite of what seems to be a type of caramel pudding, Carlos is again by my side introducing me to another family member.
“Quaid, this is my better half. The one woman that keeps me sane and had the bad luck of getting tricked into marrying into this madness of a family. Anna, this is Quaid, the young man, that I talked to you about and brought our Jess home for Christmas.” I immediately place my plate back on a small corner table and hold out my hand to Jess’s mother. She forgos my hand and embraces me with an unexpected hug.
“It's so good to finally meet you. My Carlos has told me great things about you. Please call me Annie. All the kids do,” she says in a low melodic tone. Anna Silva is probably one of those women that never age a day. Long dark brown wavy hair and dark eyelashes to match. Olive flawless skin and the same honey caramel eyes as the girl who accompanied me home. While Jess’s eyes promise mischief, Anna’s are warm and loving. Especially with Carlos at her side, smiling like a teenager with his first crush.
“That's very kind of you to say. Are you a football fan as well?” I assume that whatever good things this woman has heard about me are probably related to my time at Riverside playing football. Plymouth has two great loves. Thanksgiving and football, therefore my name is used to getting passed around a lot. To this day, people still come up to my father and ask him why I chose not to follow this route. Everyone knew that last year you couldn't attend a game without some scout from a football college being present and trying to woo either Decker or me into attending their school. Preferably the two of us at the same time. But I had plans and playing football was not a part of them. Sure I loved the game, but I loved the comradery more. The game alone didn’t have that much of an appeal to me, but working on a common goal with my teammates did. I wanted to do something else with my life and if I hadn’t been accepted into Columbia, then most likely I would have enlisted in the Army. If my plan A didn’t pan out as I want it to, then plan B was just as appealing to me.
“Football? Dear lord no! I’m not that keen on sports in general. No, what I meant was Carlos has told me that he can always count on seeing you when he’s out and about trying to help our community. Not a lot of young people take the time these days to do their civic duty.” Another warm smile is directed at me, but this time, I’m too uncomfortable to keep on the topic. I can deal with the spotlight when it has to do with football because it’s a team effort to win a game. Individual praise I’m not too good at receiving. Sensing my discomfort, she asks how I am enjoying Columbia and my classes. This is a much safer territory, and I can have a normal conversation about the wonders of New York and school without it feeling as if I’m talking about myself.
“That’s wonderful to hear. New York seems so delightfully colorful and alive from your description of it. Our Jess hasn’t been as forthcoming with details of her first semester there,” Anna says, and I don’t miss the conversation her eyes are having with Carlos.
“Yes, and if you have met my Jess, you know that she is anything but shy when it comes to talking about, well, anything really. My girl has a healthy fire in her veins, and I was sure she would come back home with as much life as when she left. She hasn’t, and that has both Anna, and I troubled.” I see the genuine worry in Carlos' face, but I can't for the life of me understand why he is telling me this. Until Anna leans my way and places a soft hand on my forearm.
“What my husband is trying to say, is that we are a little concerned that maybe our Jessica is not as happy as she affirms to be. That
maybe she isn’t adapting to her new life as well as we hoped and we were wondering if we could ask you to keep an eye on her back at school. We don't want to impose on you in any way. We know you have your own obligations, but we were hoping you could maybe check on her from time to time. Maybe a familiar face in a sea of unfamiliarity would benefit it her in some way.”
“Humm...” I have literally lost my words. I have no idea what to say as I look at both Carlos and Anna’s face full of concern and hope at the same time.
Shit!
Babysitting Jessing Silva was the last thing that I expected them to ask of me, and the last thing I wanted to do. The girl was insufferable and having to have constant contact with her would be agonizing. A million reasons why I should refuse this task come to me. Telling them that I’m too busy with my classes and schoolwork to be able to commit to their request, or we don’t have the same classes or friends, so it’ll be hard to check in on her. A million plausible excuses come to mind and yet while looking in Carlos' eyes, a man whom I admire greatly, I’m incapable of uttering even one.
“Of course. I’ll do my very best to make sure she’s okay,” my voice isn’t as enthusiastic as they might wish it to be, but I can’t fake that I’m happy with the promise I’m making to them. But even with my lack of enthusiasm, you can see the worry lift from Carlos shoulders and the grateful smile that Anna throws my way.
“Thank you, son. You don’t know how much this means to us,” and then he hugs me. I feel the tension leave his body with the knowledge that I will be there to look after his youngest daughter and it kills me that I see it more as a burden than anything else. Even so, I’ll make good on this promise because how could I not? Carlos looks back at me with gratitude and elation in his eyes, and it’s like a sucker punch to the gut. Yep, I’ll be babysitting Jess for the foreseeable future alright.
“Now that that's settled come. I want you to meet the rest of the family.”
I nod reluctantly and pass the next half hour being introduced to more Silva’s than I can count. Most of the men talk to me about football, which I expected and the women either pinch my cheek or hug me wishing me a Merry Christmas and asking for tales of the wonders of living in New York. If there is any word that I could use to describe the Silva Clan is that they are an affectionate bunch. Always touching and hugging and teasing each other. I’m an only child and have been given love and affection from only two people in my entire life, so being in the presence of all this warmth is exhilarating. Growing up in such a household must have been a gift in itself, and I wonder if little Jessica knows how lucky she is to have been born in such an environment. I’ve witnessed first hand what the opposite feels like. I push back that icy feeling and try my best just to be in the here and now. Those ghosts will have to wait. I won't let them make an appearance yet.
“Quaid Stevens, well I’ll be damned,” I hear from the corner of the room. I follow the sing-song voice and see for the first time in months, Cassandra Mackenzie. Her auburn hair is pulled up in a ponytail, which makes her hazel eyes, even more, the focus of her face. She’s wearing a white sweater with simple blue jeans and from afar still looks like one of the prettiest girls I’ve ever seen. As I make my way to her, the closer I get, I’m taken aback at how frail she looks, though. Those hazel eyes once full of life and wonder, look dull in comparison to what they used to be. The once flushed rosy cheeks and pink lips are now nothing but a memory, as the girl in front of me, is drained of healthy color. Her smile is genuine as she welcomes me with a hug, but it comes out small and shy. Even the arms that fall around me are almost skin and bones, and I wonder what could have happened for this girl to have fallen into such a state. But then it all comes back to me. This is the result of a broken heart.
Isaac Silva and his mother had disappeared earlier this spring never to be heard of again. I had heard rumors that this was a result of years and years of living under an abusive husband and father, Hector Silva. Others even went so far in saying it was Hector himself that made them disappear. Permanently. I never paid any mind to rumors, but the facts were there. Isaac never came back to school to finish his senior year, and I never saw his mother working at Carlos store either. Another rumor was that both of them ran away together with little over a quarter million of Hector’s money. But I never met the man, so I wouldn’t know how he would have had that type of cash in the first place. Plymouth tended to exaggerate when it came to gossip, and I had no time for it. However, the result of Isaac Silva’s departure, for whatever the reason, was very visible in Cass’s eyes.
“Cass, so good to see you,” I smile back. There is no glimmer in her eyes as she thanks me and asks questions about college and how I’m getting on with living so far away from home. I return the gesture and ask her about Berkeley and how it is to live on the west coast. A little life comes out as she describes her classes and professors, but it is still too small to camouflage the pain this girl is in. We also talk about the youth center and how she misses it and how she hates the fact that she hasn’t found time to see where she could volunteer in a similar capacity back in San Francisco. She asks if I’ve been luckier in that regards, and I’m happy to tell that I have and give her a little insight on what I’ve been able to participate in. This is rewarded with yet another smile, and deep down I wish that I could keep it there for longer.
Once upon a time, I would have done anything to have this girl. But I know now that feeling is truly gone and has been replaced with only friendship and genuine worry that my friend is in pain. It also shows that whatever feeling I had towards Cass was never love, as I never felt the searing pain of loss as she is suffering from Isaac, towards her. To love that deeply and to have it ripped away has scarred my friend in a manner that I don’t think anyone can fix. Only time. Most of all I find myself wishing time will be enough to ease her ache. God knows that some scars are permanent and even though with each day that passes, they become bearable, they are still there. Right at the surface of our skin, screaming to be acknowledged. And in moments of weakness, their howl is all you can hear. Deafening sounds of pain and anguish, due to the resulting lack of love. An ache as familiar to me as my own reflection in the mirror.
An ache that I’ve hidden from the world and deny its existence even to myself.
Chapter 5
Jess
What is wrong with me?
I never thought that I would ever think this, but right now I feel that our house is just too loud for me. Too many people, too many questions, too many probing eyes. I just needed a minute, and now I’ve been hiding in my room for well over an hour. Away from the people who care about me. Away from the people that love me. I just needed to be away from them all. It’s not their fault that I’m a mess. They’re just being how they've always been. Loving and protective.
It's suffocating me.
All their eagerness to know how school was going, how well I was doing. All of it was gripping my windpipes in a way that I could hardly take my next breath. I couldn’t look another person in the eye and give non-committal answers. I couldn’t hide my reluctance answering their curiosity. I couldn’t do it. So, here I am. Hiding.
What the fuck is wrong with me? I’ve never been this person. I’ve never kept quiet about anything in my life. Yet, I can’t find the words to tell my family that I’m struggling. With everything. With my classes, with my workload, with my part-time job. Everything. I just haven’t found that equilibrium yet. That much-needed balance for it all to fit. But most of all I’m struggling with being away from home. Struggling with being far from the very people I’m hiding away from now. How can I tell them that? I can’t. I’m Jess, the one person in this family that they don’t have to worry about. The one person who has known her mind so well and from such a tender age, that telling them now that I’m not as strong as everyone thinks I am will shock the bejesus out of them. They’ll worry. They’ll rally, and that will just increase my guilt in not coping the way they expect me to.
“Jess, you in there?” My bedroom door opens, and one of my best friends in the entire world comes in and lunges herself onto my bed. The very bed that I was lying on looking at the ceiling, trying to catch a breather.
“Your sister Catherine told me she saw you come up here. Is it just me or has she put on some weight since I saw her last?” Ronnie asks with a teasing smile while getting comfortable at my side.
“She’s not getting fat, you jerk. She’s pregnant.”
“Again?? That’s like what? Her fourth now?”
“Yep. That’s what we Silva’s do best. We breed,” I breathe out and turn to my side to face her while hugging my pillow.
“So, what’s this all about? Not in the mood for a party?” Ronnie asks, but she knows all too well what my answer will be, so I just shrug.
Aside from Cass, Ronnie is probably the one person I can confide in without much probing. Even though she’s attending school in Virginia while I’m in New York, there wasn’t a day that went by that we didn’t talk to each other. She knew all too well how Columbia wasn’t agreeing with me. A fact only she knew and that I tried my best to keep from Cass. Cass had too much fucked up drama this past year of her own, and for me to pile on her, my own frustrations would be just selfish. She didn’t need that from me, and if there was one person that I didn’t shy away from, it was her. She needed me to be strong, and by God, for her, I would be.