by Piers Steel
Eddie promised himself he would clean out the garage last summer, but it’s October, and the junk remains. Valerie has lost control of her vegetable garden, which she started as an altruistic family project but which has devolved into a sad collection of wilted greenery. They are considering canceling their joint membership in the gym—they are both too tired to work out at the end of the day, and mornings reach a level of chaos that drives them both nuts—dressing the baby, exchanging directives about multiple tasks, suddenly full diapers and fussy moments . . . you can fill in the blanks.
This is actually the best-case scenario. It could easily be worse. They face no sudden illness, no job loss, no financial straits, and no tragedy. But Eddie and Valerie’s lives are out of control and they are facing the conflicts that every working couple with kids has to deal with. Recently, Valerie began to feel that she is never in the right place—at work, she thinks she should be home; and at home, she worries about all the work she should be doing. She is feeling frayed and tattered, and is starting to hate her life. Looking for some cheering up, she calls her sister, who listens sympathetically, and then offers a little advice: “There’s this book I've been reading that has a few ideas that might help. Do you want to borrow it?”
Like all such offered books, this one was gratefully accepted but put aside. That is until one stressful sleepless night, when Valerie in desperation decided to crack it open. After skimming through the pages, she noticed the research behind it. “Well now,” she thought. “This stuff has really been battle-tested. Let’s see what I can find for Eddie and me.” Taking some paper and a pencil, she slowed down and made some notes about what she might be able to use.
The next night when Eddie shuffled home, Valerie sat him down and told him flat out, “I'm not happy. Things are going to have to change.”
Eddie sighed and, revealing his low expectancy, said, “I'm not happy either, but this is just the way life is. We can’t change it.”
“You always say that and you're usually wrong,” Valerie replied. “I think there are steps we can take to make our life better. My sister lent me a book and it’s based on scientific research. I hear it has helped a lot of people and we could use some help ourselves. I think we should at least try some of the ideas. For starters, we just need to lay down a few goals.”
Eddie was too exhausted to argue with her, so he played along. “I have a goal,” he said with a small smile, “I want to be happy.”
“They have to be specific goals,” Valerie said patiently. “They have to be concrete and doable, something we can get excited about.”
“How about I want to be happy today?” Eddie suggested.
Valerie thumbed her way to the relevant page of the book.“ We start by making some goals about the minimum changes we need to make to stay sane. I need to see my friends more often. I haven’t seen them properly since Constance’s baby shower and talking this over with them always makes me feel like my problems are more manageable.”
Slumping into a chair, Eddie sullenly replied, “And my goal is to hit the gym every weeknight.”
Valerie kept on message. “Get realistic. I think you can spare me one evening every other week. In return, I'm willing to cover you every Saturday morning if you want to exercise.”
“That would be nice,” admitted Eddie. “But I don’t think I am up for handling an evening with Constance on my own.”
Valerie pointed out that he often bathed Constance and put her to bed. “I want you to imagine hitting that gym, Eddie, how good your muscles are going to feel afterward. Also, imagine how much happier I'll be around here if I get some time with my friends. Can you picture that? Take a second and bask in its glow. Great! Now open your eyes and come back to reality. Does that give you the motivation?”
“All right,” Eddie conceded, warming to the idea. “Let’s do it.”
With a little mental contrasting to spur them on, Valerie and Eddie’s goal-setting techniques and “unschedule” (scheduling in realistic leisure time first) do indeed work. Valerie is seeing her friends, and after sharing her problems and hearing others deal effectively with their own issues, she is gaining a little more perspective. She is reassured that Constance will grow up and the economy will get better. It is amazing what a little social support (see Vicarious Victory) can do for a person. Eddie himself is glad to get to the gym once in a while. The exercise takes away a lot of his stress. He sleeps a little better and has more energy to tackle the rest of his life (see Energy Crisis). Still, a few weeks later, Eddie suddenly announces he has to work late and tells Valerie she has to cancel her plans. When he finally gets home, Valerie is not pleased.
Eddie pleads his case, “Look, I'm sorry you missed your night out but I had work to do and that takes precedence.”
“Night out?” snapped Valerie. “It’s more than a night out. I need that time with my friends. I wouldn’t mind if you had to leave on one of your road trips for work but you e-mailed me fifteen times today while you were at the office.”
“I thought you liked those texts!” retorted Eddie.
Composing herself, Valerie replied: “Here’s what I like. I like face-to-face time with you and with my friends. For every minute you take to text me or send off an e-mail, that’s ten minutes less we have at home. It takes ten minutes at least for you to get your mind back into your work after taking a break.”
This surprised Eddie, but he wasn’t going to give up his text-ing without a fight. “That may be so, but you text too. Besides, I can’t work like a machine at the office. I need my breaks.”
“And why are you tired?” asked Valerie.
“Well, it’s impossible to get to bed early with all the evening work . . .” Then Eddie paused, making the connection. “Oh! Yeah, that might work.”
“If we stop texting during business hours, stop Internet surfing, stop mindlessly checking our e-mails, that'll make at least two extra hours each day for the both of us. Hours we can use for sleep.”
“My mind will zonk out from so much concentration,” said Eddie.
“The book has a few ideas about how to make it work. Start with this. Create a second computer profile for yourself with a different background and layout. Log out of your regular work persona and into this play persona whenever you need a rest. If you aren’t willing to take the minute to do it, you don’t need the break. Here, I got you a present to help you commit.”
“I like presents. What is it?”
Valerie pulled a silver-framed photo from her purse. “A framed picture of Constance and me. Every time you think of slacking off, this will remind you of why we're both pushing ourselves so hard. Remember, this is about us spending more time together as a family. Promise me you'll do this?”
“OK. I'll do it if you do,” said Eddie.
And it works, of course. By ridding their workplace of their major temptations (see Making Paying Attention Pay), they have become more productive in the time they are at work and more relaxed when at home. They are starting to wind down for bed and are getting a better night’s sleep, so that they can perform even better (see Energy Crisis). To help them get to where they need to be and remind them what this is all about, Eddie keeps that framed photo of his family on his desk (see Games and Goals), especially since it reminds him of what he really wants to do—spend more time at home, not texting at the office (setting approach goals, not avoidance goals). It didn’t hurt that Valerie raised the stakes by extracting a little verbal precommitment from Eddie. In the end, they have a little more time than either expected, with both of them hitting the gym at least once or twice a week. Sicknesses, surprises, and other obligations still push them out of their routine, but now they are learning how to push back. They know they are fighting for a life that works. Eventually, Eddie even has the time to do some light reading, which he never used to have the energy for.
After putting Constance to bed, Eddie poured Valerie and himself a cup of tea and plopped into his comfy chair. “I've been l
ooking through this book of yours,” he said, “and I see where your ideas come from.”
Picking up her own cup, Valerie replied, “Well, the secret was in actually following through with them not just reading the book.”
“You're right,” said Eddie, “but I have a suggestion of my own.”
“Go on. I'm listening,” said Valerie.
“Here’s a technique called Let Your Passion Be Your Vocation.”
Her eyes widening in horror, Valerie gasped, “You're not thinking of leaving work to be a golf pro!”
“No, no, no, I'm not thinking that at all. Well maybe a little, but no,” teased Eddie. “But how about this? Getting home earlier is reminding me of how much I used to love to cook. Remember those romantic meals I made for you when we first starting dating? Well, you don’t mind cleaning up as much as I do. So, I'll tell you what: I'll do all the cooking if you do the cleaning.”
Sweetening the arrangement, Valerie added, “If you throw in grocery shopping too, you've got a deal.”
“If cleaning includes laundry, I'll shake on it,” said Eddie.
“Done and done.”
A sensible pair, they have now allocated the tasks of child-rearing and housekeeping according to their differing tastes and talents. So Eddie does the cooking and shopping for groceries. He goes to the supermarket on Saturday or Sunday and stocks up for the week. This is easy for him because he loves shopping and the peace and quiet of chopping. Valerie, who never cared much about food, watches the baby when Eddie is doing the cooking. She cleans up after him, and she does the never-ending batches of laundry. Constance goes to daycare during the week, and they trade off taking her there early in the morning and picking her up after work. Life is getting better. Not insanely better. Not perfect. Just noticeably better. Valerie and Eddie are beginning to live life in harmony with who they are and what motivates them.
TIME-SENSITIVE TOM
On his journey back home from his disastrous vacation in the Dominican Republic, time-sensitive Tom was delayed at the airport for most of the day. It was hurricane season, which he had not thought about when he planned the trip. Sitting in the lounge, Tom reflected on his life. He was never much of a student, and constantly struggled with deadlines. But he knew that his friends at the fraternity were always glad to see him. An upbeat kind of guy, Tom always had a word of encouragement for the freshmen who were having trouble adjusting to college and being away from home for the first time; he enjoyed helping out. How did he get stuck in such a terrible rut? Without anything else to do, for hours he reflected on how much his procrastination had detracted from his own success, aspirations, and happiness. He thought about how it had affected not only his work life but also his home life. He realized that even if his vacation hadn’t been such a mess, much of his leisure time would still have been focused on all the work waiting for him back at the office. He desperately yearned for that childhood feeling of unfettered time and guiltless play unpolluted by pressing obligations. His mind primed, he couldn’t help but notice a title in one of the airport bookstores, a book that promised help. After buying it, he read it in its entirety during his wait and then on his flight home. Excited about the book’s possibilities, he couldn’t wait to put the techniques to use—this time his impulsiveness worked for him rather than against him.
On his first day back at work, Tom purged his office of temptations. He loaded software to keep track of his productivity, and he started setting specific, timely, and challenging goals. The results were immediate. Instead of being constantly behind, Tom found extra time to help others with their projects. “All the better,” he thought; he always enjoyed talking and helping the people he worked with. Happy with the results, on a whim he went hardcore and used precommitment, promising to his boss that if he didn’t get his next report finished in seven days, they could keep his upcoming year-end bonus. This got his boss’s attention. When he handed the report in a day earlier than promised, people were amazed. What had happened to Tom in the Dominican Republic, they wondered. Over time Tom’s interest in helping his colleagues and his fidelity to deadlines made his superiors think that he was showing leadership potential, and so they promoted him.
As the excitement of the promotion started to fade, Tom shared the news with his older brother Tim. After a few congratulatory drinks, Tom confessed it wasn’t all good, “What did I get myself into? What do I know about leadership? I'm not a leader. I just barely learned how to get myself in shape. You know about these things. You took that leadership course back in college. What should I do?”10b
Tim laughed, “Well, I guess it’s too late to say 'don’t panic.' But you have a right to be worried. No one who knew you a year ago would have expected you to be doing so well.”
“Thanks for taking the pressure off, Tim,” Tom replied sarcastically. “I guess you forgot all that leadership material anyway.”
Rising to the bait, Tim put down his drink and focused. “Sorry. You're right; you do need to know this stuff. Leadership is important and not just for your organization’s success. Most employees rate their relationship with their boss as their top concern. If you screw up, it can make your employees more miserable than if you took away a huge chunk of their paycheck. You now have the power to crush a considerable number of people’s spirits.”1
“And that’s why I'm talking to you,” said Tom.
“Well, I'm happy to help,” Tim replied. “I've been thumbing through that book you lent me and most of the basic leadership techniques are already laid out—you just need to apply them to other people, just the way you did when you applied them to yourself. You can practice leadership along with self-leadership.”
“Good, because I am not planning to go back to college,” said Tom. “Let’s get down to it.”
Tim looked up at the ceiling, trying to remember the details. “There are two basic leadership styles: transformational, a people-oriented approach, and transactional, a task-oriented approach.2 Since you're a people person, Tom, start using your people skills—go transformational!”
“So buddy up to them?” asked Tom.
“Nope,” said Tim. “The first thing to do is to focus on creating confidence. What you need is an early success, to help them build faith in you and their ability to succeed under you. It’s a basic principle, that you create achievable goals to recognize and celebrate. Later, this will help give everyone the confidence to persevere and hit the harder milestones.”
“Ah, create a success spiral!” exclaimed Tom, making the connection.
“Exactly!” said Tim. “I knew a teacher who did this. She built confidence in us by starting off the semester with a few simple quizzes before proceeding into more difficult assignments. I really had a crush on her. One time after class, I remember . . .”
“ . . . you're going off topic,” interrupted Tom.
“Where was I?” said Tim, finishing his drink. “Well, you can also use the vicarious victory principle by setting the tone. Confidently and clearly articulate a vision of where you want to be, exude optimism, provide pep-talks and in general be the role model. It’s textbook.”
“Me? Be the role model? What are you thinking?” Tom complained.
“Heavy is the crown . . . Of course, you could always quit or just take their money and wait for them to fire you. To me, that sounds a little bit like stealing, but I guess you have your own moral compass . . .”
Tim looked expectantly at Tom, letting the point linger.
“All right, all right, I'll do it,” said Tom. “I was just thinking it through.”
So on Tom’s first day in charge, he gathered his staff together and gave them a prepared speech about what he intended to accomplish. He told them that though there were areas of excellence in what they had been doing, they were taking too long to finish financial reports despite logging tons of overtime. He then set that first achievable goal. “For starters,” he enthusiastically told them, “I want us to cut the average time we take to compile
our reports by a day this month. I think we can do it. In fact, I know we can do it.” And Tom did know; it was a pretty easy goal. Still, he stayed on message at their weekly meeting, realizing that enthusiasm can be contagious. And at the end of the month, he found that indeed they did cut their production time by a day, precisely one day. “That’s a start,” he thought to himself, “but really we need to cut our production time by a week.” He phoned Tim about his success and his situation.
“Well, that’s great news,” said Tim. “It’s one thing for you to ask for advice but for you to actually follow through is impressive.”
“Well, it was good advice to begin with,” said Tom, “but enough of this love-fest. I'm not sure the team will keep this up despite the fact that they could easily do much more. What else have you got for me?”
Thinking about it, Tim replied, “Let’s think about the value variable. What can you give them that they value? How can you reward them?”
“Do you mean pay them more?” asked Tom.
“Can you do that?”
“Well, no,” admitted Tom. “Not unless I want to drain my own bank account.”
“Then don’t bring it up,” said Tim, “but no worries. Money does talk, but it’s not the only speaker in this conversation. There’s something out there that most people value more than cash—recognition. Simply be aware when they do something right and recognize it in a timely manner—not next month or next week but that day. A person’s pride can feed off a sincere 'awesome' or 'job well done' for a long time, while a cup emblazoned with the company logo or even a certified check doesn’t provide the same bang for your buck.”