by E. J. McCay
My posture softens, I relax my face and try to put him at ease. “What do I know? I’ve been gone all these years. I stayed at the house and things were fine until the grocery store.”
“Do you know why you stabbed him now?”
“No, I don’t. I can’t fathom why I’d do such a thing.”
“What I saw today makes me not want to leave you here.”
“I’ll be fine. Daddy doesn’t know I’m here.” At least, I don’t think so.
Uriah looks at me like he’s got a war inside going on. “I don’t like it. I don’t like leaving you alone out here.”
“You’ve been leaving me alone out here and I’ve been just fine up to this point.”
He eyes me.
“Okay, so one time. One time I’m not so fine, but all the others I was fine.”
Uriah pulls me into another hug and we stand on the deck, watching the birds and woods until it's too dark to see. I’ve loved Uriah and I’ve loved him for as long as I can remember and now I know why: he’s never wanted anything from me.
Chapter Twenty Seven
Mid-June turns to mid-July, and I don’t see my daddy again. It doesn’t really surprise me though ‘cause I didn’t see him before the time in the parking lot so who knows where he’s been keeping himself or with who.
I see Bo every so often and I shy away from him.
Uriah and I spend time together. I go to church with him from time to time. He doesn’t push me to go. When I say no, he listens and lets it go. He and Papa are working on my trust.
My therapy sessions get easier. I still don’t know why I stabbed my daddy, but the other things that had been weighing me down seem to get lighter the more I see Chrissy. It’s not like what I thought it would be at all.
Between my talks with Papa and Chrissy, all those years of feeling like I was dirt start to get better. I won’t say they’re gone, but I can say better. Chrissy says I’ll probably struggle with them for a while. Not because Papa can’t heal me, but because it can be hard to not hurt from stuff like that.
One day, I’m in her office, and we’re talking about why things take so long to heal. I’m sitting in my chair, she’s sitting in her chair, and Papa is taking up the rest of the room. I know because I can feel Him all over.
“You think miracles still happen, Chrissy?” I ask.
“I think so. There're stories all the time about people being healed from cancer or other life-threatening things.”
“You think Papa can heal me and make all my hurts go away?”
Chrissy’s eyebrows draw together, and she thinks for a moment. “I think He can. Now, whether He will or if you will let Him is a different story. I think it’s easier to heal physical stuff than it is to heal emotional and spiritual stuff because the outside stuff you can see. You know it’s healed, but the stuff on the inside is harder to see and easier to be brought up again and again.”
“I can see that.”
“What made you think of that?”
“I don’t know. I just don’t want to have all this in me anymore. I don’t want to be able to remember all this stuff. I don’t want to feel it anymore.”
Chrissy lets out a long sigh. “I know. I wish I could do something more to help, but I know talking about it and keeping it under a light will help.”
“I’m feeling better, lighter. I think keeping it to myself let it fester and turn into a monster.”
She chuckles. “Well, that’s true. Have you spoken to Bo since that night?”
“No. I don’t have anything to say.”
“Maybe he has something to say. Maybe he will apologize. Not that it makes what he did, right, but maybe it will help him be a better person.”
“I guess.”
“Have you forgiven him?”
“Papa and I have been having a tug of war about that. I don’t want to forgive him because I think it will make what he did seem okay and it’s not.”
“Why do you think that?”
“Because if he apologizes then he’ll think things are okay and we can be friends again.”
“Maybe he could apologize and you can tell him you forgive him and just because you’re forgiving him doesn't mean what he did was okay and you can’t be friends with him anymore because you don’t trust him.”
“There you go being all logical like Papa.”
Chrissy smiles and laughs. “Lilly, you have the best humor of anyone I’ve ever known.”
“Papa laughs too. I think both of you are crazy most of the time.”
“How do you do that?”
“How do I do what?”
“How do you talk about Him like that? Like He’s here in the room? Like He’s so real?”
I shrug. “He is real. He is in the room. He’s Papa.”
“But how did you get a relationship with Him like that? I go to church every Sunday and every Wednesday and I find myself insanely jealous of you when you talk about Him because I want a relationship like what you have.”
I think my therapy session just went haywire.
“Chrissy, it’s all I had. I didn’t have anyone else. I ran from here at seventeen. You and Uriah and everyone had relationships with each other. I had Bo at the time, but he never knew all the things that happened to me. I was alone all the time. I always felt like an outcast. You guys remember things way different than I do.”
“But this relationship you have. It’s so…tangible. I want that.”
“Then have it.”
Chrissy looks at me funny. “But how? How did you do it?”
“I clung to the only thing I could. I have a few business associates, but I don’t have any friends. He’s all I had. He’s all I’ve ever had. Momma and daddy only let me do youth group stuff and anything else was strict. I didn’t get to stay out or play or do anything like you and everyone else so my only friend was Papa.”
“Tell me what I can do to have what you have?”
“Just talk to Him like you would your friends or your husband. When it’s just you and Him. Just talk. Ask Him to sit a spell and then just listen to what He has to say. Sometimes it’s hard to listen ‘cause you got so much going on and you think He’s there to just listen, but He’s not. Sometimes He’s got stuff to say so you have to be quiet.”
“Do you think if your life had been easy your relationship with Papa would be what it is?”
Maybe my therapy session didn’t go as haywire as I think. I take a long breath and ponder a moment. “I don’t know. Maybe. Maybe not. I guess I’ll never know. I wish it could have been the way it is without all the junk I’ve dealt with, but I can’t change anything.”
Chrissy smiles sly. “I’m not saying Papa caused all your mayhem, but maybe He’s using it for something awesome.”
“He’s said that too. Still don’t mean I have to like it.”
“No, you don’t have to like it. Maybe you could talk to Papa some more about letting go and forgiving these people who have wronged you. Not because letting it go or forgiving them makes it right, but because letting it go sets you free.”
“You and Papa talk a lot of crap.”
Chrissy snorts and chokes. When she gets her wind back, she says, “I’ll be glad when you aren’t my patient. I’m serious, though, let them go.” She pauses for a moment. “You want to forget. To let this stuff go and be healed. I think forgiving them will set you free to do just that. I think Papa is right. Maybe you just wash your hands of those memories and next thing you know, you’ll be wondering why you hung on to them for so long.”
I shake my head and look away. “I know in my head, you and Papa are right, but it’s hard to let it go. I’ve held onto it for so long. I didn’t realize until just now, talking with you, just how hard I’ve clung to it. It’s part of what makes me, me. I feel like if I let it go, then I’m letting part of myself go. What if I can’t let it go?”
“The best you can do is try. You might have to let it go a myriad of times before it’s finally gone, but
you keep letting it go so you can remain free.”
“But how do I do it?”
“Let Papa tell you who to forgive first. Let Him guide you, that way you’re doing what He wants.”
I swallow hard. “You two are asking a mighty tall order, ya know?”
“I know, but we both love you and want you to be free.” Chrissy looks at the clock. “Time goes so fast when you're in here.”
I pop out of the chair. “Says you.”
Chrissy walks me to the door. “I’ll see you next time, okay? Maybe we can start figuring out why you stabbed your daddy.”
My heart sinks and I think she feels the shift in the mood.
“We’ve already talked about some pretty rough things. That should be a cake walk.”
“What kinda cake you been eating?”
She bear hugs me. “I love you, Lilly.”
“Thanks, Chrissy.” I turn to walk, and I stop. “Chrissy?”
“Yeah?”
“You like being married?”
Her eyebrows rise.
“No, don’t you go thinking anything. I’m just wondering. You being married and all, I was just wondering if it’s what you thought it’d be.”
Chrissy smiles wide. “Yeah, Lilly, it is.”
Chapter Twenty Eight
Uriah and I sit in Tish’s Tacos after my therapy session. My ankle is all better, but I like him picking me up. Plus, it’s July in Texas. You’d think Satan is sitting on the state line with his pitchfork as hot as it is.
We’re munching on tacos when Uriah looks up and his face is masked in anger. I turn around and see Bo standing just inside the door.
And sure enough, Papa shows up too.
Uriah starts to stand, and I put a hand on his arm. “Don’t.”
He looks at me.
“Give me a minute, okay?”
I get up and go over to Bo. He won’t look me in the eye. “Hey, Bo.”
He won’t talk to me either.
“I’m not mad at you anymore. I forgive you. I’m not saying we can be friends just yet, but I forgive you.” I turn, walk back to Uriah, and sit down.
“What did you say to him?”
“I told him I wasn’t mad anymore and that I forgive him.”
“I don’t know how you can do that. I don’t know if I can.”
“Papa says we gotta. It’s the only way to be free. I don’t know how long I’ll have to keep reminding myself that I’m not mad at him or that I forgive him. I just know I will until all the hurt is gone.”
“All right. You’re the boss. I’ll try to do it too.”
Bo goes to the counter, orders his food, and I see them hand him a bag. He hangs his head as he walks to the door and leaves without even casting a glance in my direction. “I know what shame feels like.”
“Well, he deserves that shame,” Uriah says.
“Maybe. Maybe he just didn’t think about what he was doing when he was doing it and now that he’s had time, he regrets it.”
Uriah chews on that a moment. “I hope so. I hope he’s able to think on what he did and learn to never do it again to anyone else.”
“Me too. I guess if he has to make a mistake it’s better it was done to me than someone else that’d never forgive him.”
He smiles at me and lets out a long breath. “Life’s going to be an adventure as long as you’re with me.”
“Don’t go getting all sappy. I’m still broken. I’m still jagged.”
“Yeah, I know, but every day you’re a little less so.”
“What do you know?”
“I know. I see it.”
“You done eating? I’m ready to go.”
“You can’t be done eating. You’ve not had hardly anything.”
“I’ve had a taco.”
“One taco. Did you eat breakfast?”
“No.”
“Then you need to eat more.”
“I’m not hungry anymore.”
He looks at me and makes a face. “What did you and Chrissy talk about today?” He changes the subject and starts chowing down on his taco again.
Uriah and I have started talking about my therapy sessions. After I told him what happened with Bo and Marlin, it just didn’t seem like all that big a deal anymore.
“We talked about miracles and Papa.”
“Miracles?”
I shrug. “I mostly wanted to know if she ever thought I’d be free of all these thoughts and feelings because I think it’d take a miracle.”
“What did she say?”
“She said I needed to forgive so I can be free. I just have a hard time with it, that’s all. Me and Papa been talking and He’s said the same thing. I just don’t know if I can, ya know?”
“You told Bo you forgive him.”
“Yeah, ‘cause I felt like I was supposed to, not cause I wanted to.”
“Do you feel better since you talked to him?”
“I don’t know how I feel, to be completely honest. All this dredging up the past, talking about things that can’t change, and dealing with all this touchy feely stuff has me all confused and worn out.”
“You seem to be doing better. Like I said, you seem less broken every day. Not that I thought you were broken to start with, I’m just using your words.”
I sit for a moment and take time to ponder what he’s just said. “I think darkness has a way of seeping in and it doesn’t like leaving. I think it makes you feel broken and it takes that broken and uses it as a cage. It’s hard to break free from a cage that’s been built for years. It’s not something you just get over.”
Uriah’s eyes shine when he looks at me. “You always had a way with words, Lillian James.”
“Naw, I’m just talking.”
“Keep going. I like your talking.”
I bite my lip and smile. I can’t help but smile at Uriah. Spending so much time with him lately has given me a new appreciation for him and his spirit. He’s more kind and loving than I ever knew. If I’d have known then what I know now, I may have never left Foaming Springs.
“Chrissy said she wants a relationship with Papa like I have. I don’t understand what she means, though. I mean, I just talk and Papa is there. That’s all I know.”
“I don’t know about Chrissy, but I can tell you I sometimes feel the same way.”
“What way?”
“I want to talk to Jesus like you do. I want the relationship you have. The way you talk about it makes it so familiar. It’s like a married couple.”
“You can. Just talk. Or listen. I don’t know what else to say. A relationship is personal. Not everyone needs Papa like I need him. He’s all I had for so long it’s hard sometimes to talk to regular folk.”
“Maybe if I hang out with you for a few years I’ll figure out how to have a friendship with Him like that.”
“A few years, huh?”
“Maybe more,” he winks at me and smiles a smile that melts me in places I didn’t know I had.
“Stop it.”
“You going to church with me tonight? It’s potluck night.”
I raise my eyebrows. “I haven’t been to potluck in a while.”
“There could be pie.”
“You think my daddy will be there? I’ve heard he’s coming to church more.”
“I tell you what. We’ll go and if he’s there, I’ll take you home and we’ll sit with Papa on the deck eating PB&J’s.”
I grin from ear to ear.
Oh, Papa, I know I don’t deserve him, but thank you so much for him. There’s a part of me deep down still waiting to lose him, but, for now, I’m enjoying the dickens out of Uriah Pendleton’s company.
Chapter Twenty Nine
Papa loves me. I know because my daddy isn’t at church tonight and there is a pecan pie looking at me with love in its eyes. People are filing in, and the older women are running around in the kitchen getting things ready. Mrs. Pendleton sees me and flashes me a big grin.
When Pastor Jeffrey
walks in, he sees Uriah and starts our direction until he sees me. It’s the first time I’ve been with Uriah that the Pastor didn’t see me with him at first and now Uriah sees with his own eyes what I’ve been telling him all along.
I see Uriah’s face go from happy to sad to angry in the blink of an eye.
“Don’t,” I whisper to him. “Don’t be angry or sad. It’s okay. I’m just not their kind.”
He looks down at me and gives me the most loving look. It breaks my heart for him to have to be hurt by people. “They’re no better than you,” he says and touches my face with the palm of his hand. “You’re better than all these people who look down at you. You have a light and a goodness they can’t fathom. If they could open their minds a minute and see you the way I see you, it’d change their life.”
“Uriah, I don’t care what they think of me. I care what they think of you. I don’t want them to think less of you because of me.”
“I don’t care what they think of me so don’t you either.” He puts his arm around my shoulders and pulls me in close. “Let them think what they want. It’s them losing out on knowing you.”
Chrissy walks in and sees me. We have to keep our distance to a degree. With her being my therapist, she doesn’t want anyone to think we aren’t doing what we’re supposed to be doing in my therapy sessions. She comes walking over to me, smiling. “I haven’t seen you on a Wednesday in a long time.”
“I was here for the potluck when I first got here. I’m just not much of a church-goer.”
“I told her there would be pie,” Uriah says, poking fun at me.
“Well, that’s a good enough reason for me. Which one looks good?”
I point to the table. “If that pecan pie is made by the same person as the last one I ate, then it’s heaven in your mouth.”
Uriah bobs his head up and down. “She’s right. That’s good pie.”
Chrissy snickers, pats me on the arm, and then walks off to stand next to her husband. The place is full now, and Pastor Jeffrey asks everyone to quiet down. He asks the group to bow their head and he offers up grace.
I peek at one point, and I see Bo standing in the corner, staring me right in the eyes. The look on his face is murderous. I guess he’s decided he’s mad about what happened and the fact I offered forgiveness makes it even worse.