Broken Like Glass

by E. J. McCay

  It’s not raining today, so as Uriah and I move through the line I ask if we can sit outside and eat where it’s more peaceful. He agrees and we get our plates, pie, and drinks and find a spot on the steps away from everyone.

  “Bo was giving you a pretty dirty look during prayer,” Uriah says as we sit eating.

  “You were supposed to have your eyes closed for the blessing.”

  “So you didn’t see it.”

  “Yeah, I saw it.”

  “Weren’t your eyes supposed to be closed too?”

  “I’m bad, remember?”

  Uriah rolls his eyes and smiles. “I’m not comfortable with you staying by yourself in the cabin with him giving you looks like that.”

  “I’ll be fine, Uriah. You thought my daddy was gonna get me and he hasn’t. Neither will Bo. He wants to be a judge. Can’t be a judge if you commit crimes.”

  “His momma wants him to be a judge. Bo wants you.”

  “Bo doesn’t want me. He wants me to want him and he’ll never have that. So he can be all angry and stuff if he wants to, but I’ve never wanted him like that and he knows it.”

  “Doesn’t matter if he knows it or not, he still wants you.”

  “Aw, he’ll get over it after awhile and find someone and then I’ll be just a bad memory.”

  After that, Uriah let it go and changed the subject. “You wanna take a walk down by the fishing pond after church tonight? I’ll stop at the ice cream place on the way if you want?”

  “Sure, I’d like that. I don’t know if I’m gonna want ice cream after all this, but I’d like to walk with you.”

  Uriah flashes a smile and pops a bite in his mouth. “One of these days, you’re gonna be mine for real and forever.”

  “Oh hush. You don’t want me either.”

  He looks at me, and gives me this serious look I’ve never seen before. “That’s not true. I do want you. I want you for now and forever, but I will never make you do anything you don’t want. I’ll never make you make a choice or force you into anything.”

  “You’ll get real tired of waiting and move on.”

  “Never. Never in a million years, Lillian James, never in a million years.

  I feel the weight of what he’s saying so heavy in the air it’s hard to breath. Uriah cares for me and it’s the kind of care that’s patient and kind and loving. It’s the kind of care I’ve longed for my entire life. It’s the kind of care I wouldn’t want from anyone else, but Uriah.

  Papa comes floating in like a matchmaker. I hear Him in my head and feel Him in my heart. I know I’ve found someone I might be able to say I love you to someday. If I can ever be free enough to feel that way.

  Uriah locks eyes with me and I know he’s meant every word he’s said. The tension between us is like a stoked fire. It’s something I’ve never felt before in my life. I crushed on Uriah in school, but it was from afar. The time we’ve spent together the last few months has been more than I ever bargained for and more than I ever thought possible.

  I break the silence, and say, “I don’t know if I can give you what you need, Uriah.”

  “Don’t worry about it right now. We’ll cross that bridge when we come to it. I’m just letting you know what you mean to me. I want you to know that I love you and the more I get to know you the more I love you. I know one day you’ll say it back.”

  “How do you know?”

  “You aren’t the only one who talks to Papa,” he says and grins.

  Chapter Thirty

  After my walk with Uriah, he drops me off at home. We didn’t get to walk long before the clouds came blowing in with a hard wind. I tell ya, living in Texas, the weather is mighty fickle. If I stop and think about it, maybe Papa made the weather so fickle so I’ll stop wondering about the next moment and enjoy the one I’m in. I think on that as I change into my pajamas.

  I feel like Papa needs my time and a word with me so I grab a soda out of the fridge and sit in my chair with my feet up. Uriah got me watermelon this time and boy, is it good.

  The clouds make the sky look angry. What with the lightning flashing and the thunder rolling. To me, it’s pretty. Kinda like natural fireworks. The woods are quiet. The animals that are normally out singing are hiding in their holes waiting for this thing to pass. The wind is whipping and whistling in the trees.

  I’ve got my hair scrunchied so it stays out of my face, and this wind feels like it’s bringing change.

  Papa takes a seat next to me. He’s watching His own handiwork with me.

  “You gonna talk or you just gonna sit there?” I ask Him.

  The turbulence dies a moment, like it’s checking its gas, making sure it’s got enough to show me what for.

  Papa looks at me and smiles. “I see you’re talking to Uriah more. Letting him get to know you.”

  “Yeah, I like Uriah. He doesn’t ask for anything from me.”

  “No, he doesn’t. He loves you.”

  “I know.”

  “You love him.”

  “I don’t.”

  “Lilly, you can’t lie to me. I know your heart. I know your wants. I know everything there is to know about you. Besides you’ve already said you felt love for him once.”

  I look away. “I know you know me, but it was a moment of weakness. I don’t love Uriah though. You’re wrong.”

  “You do. You love him like he’s the best pie in the world.”

  I cut my eyes at Papa. “What do you know about pie?”

  “I know it’s your favorite thing just like Uriah is your favorite thing.”

  “He is my favorite thing next to pie.”

  “Then why don’t you let yourself love him?”

  “Papa, you know as well as I do, I’m no good for him. All those people in town, flapping their gums, throwing judgment at him ‘cause of me.”

  “Uriah doesn’t seem to care about that.”

  “I do. You should too.”

  Papa pauses and sits real still. The storm that had quieted down a moment ago, pulls back the throttle, and lets loose. The wind howls, the sky flashes with lightning, and the thunder booms like bombs are being set off. Little bits of dead leaves and sticks are pelting me and I shield my face.

  “I made you mad?”

  “I’m not mad at all. It’s a storm. Hot air meets cold air, pressure builds and it has to let go.”

  “Why here?”

  “You seem to be doing fine.”

  I nod and smile. “Your lessons sting sometimes.”

  “They sting because sometimes people are hard of hearing.”

  “Maybe they aren’t hard of hearing they just don’t like what you got to say. Ever think of that?”

  The wind dies down, but the lightning and thunder still go on.

  “Oh, I’m sure people don’t like to hear a lot of what I say as evidenced by the way people do things thinking their way is better than mine.”

  “You trying to say I think that way?”

  “You try to listen better than some, but you’re still deaf at times.”

  I look down at the soda bottle I’m holding. “I’m scared Papa. The people I’ve tried to love, they ruined me on love. I’m afraid if I love Uriah that he’ll do the same thing.”

  “You know that’s not true.”

  “I don’t.”

  “Lilly, Uriah is a man and he’s not perfect. There will be times when he says the wrong thing or does the wrong thing, but he loves you. There will be times when you don’t like him or feel anything for him because he’s made you mad. You’re just going to have to remember I’m in the middle. You’re going to have to remember to love him like I love him.”

  I take a deep breath. “Papa, why is this so hard? This love stuff?”

  “If it was easy then it wouldn’t be worth having.”

  Papa and I sit for a long time on the deck just watching the storm. When it starts to blow on us, we go inside and He sits with me in my bedroom. Papa knows it takes me a while to come around an
d He’s patient. It makes me love Him more because He doesn’t pressure me to just flip a switch.

  While I’m lying in bed, I reflect on our talk. He says I love Uriah. It’s hard to say those words. Of all the words I know, those three are the worst. They come out with so much hope. There’s a promise in those words and when those words aren’t backed up, it’s like being thrown in a fire. It burns you up, makes you hurt and wish you were dead.

  I roll over onto my back and look up at the ceiling. “What do I do, Papa?”

  Papa smiles. I feel His warmth fill the room and it’s like being in a fresh out-of-the-dryer blanket. “You love. Not because you expect things to be good or perfect. You love because I love you. You love and remember that other people are just as broken as you are. You love and keep on loving and you never stop.”

  “I can try.”

  “Do I ever ask you to do more than that?”

  I hesitate. “Sometimes.”

  Papa’s laughs. It sings in my heart and makes me smile. “Sometimes I push you to more than try because I know you're capable of so much more. Sometimes, I let you think you’ll try just so you try and know what I’ve known all along.”

  “Okay, Papa, I think I understand.”

  “Good night, my sweet Lilly.”

  “Good night, Papa.”

  I roll over, tuck my hands under my pillow, and close my eyes. My talk with Papa has worn me out.

  Chapter Thirty One

  The next afternoon, after I’ve slept past what most people would call mid-morning, I’m getting dressed because Uriah is coming over and he’s taking me for a walk around the pond. He’s promised ice cream and good conversation.

  I’m in the bathroom, looking in the mirror, and I realize for the first time in a while I actually see myself and it takes me by surprise. It’s been a long time since I’ve really taken a hard look. I’ve got a heart-shaped face, thin lips, and a seemingly proportionate nose. That said, I’m not half bad looking when I think about it. I’m not saying I’m pretty by any stretch, but I’d have to wear a mask at Halloween if I want to scare anybody.

  When I finish my once over, I walk out of the bathroom and as I get to the living room, there’s a knock on the door. Uriah’s early and it makes my heart smile. If only he knew what he means to me. In my mind, Papa speaks. “I know, Papa. Just give me time.”

  I’m not paying attention and as I open the door, I say, “Hey, Uriah,” but it’s not Uriah. My face falls and I’m standing directly in front of my daddy. I can smell cigarettes and alcohol pouring off him. His face is scraggly and his clothes look like he’s been sleeping in them for a few days.

  What really scares me is the look on his face. His brow is furrowed, his eyes are red-rimmed, and his mouth is twisted in such a way it tells me he’s about to pay me back for all those times I’ve smarted back, caused him grief, and most of all, for stabbing him in the Thriftway.

  I try to slam the door, but he uses the force of his entire body to push it open so I turn to run. He kicks me in the butt and I sprawl out on the floor. I try to scramble up, and he kicks me again and I crack my head on the coffee table. My ears ring and the world is spinning.

  I touch my head and there’s a fair amount of blood. When I try to stand again, daddy grabs a handful of my hair and slaps me across the face. “I told you, girl. I told you I’d get you one day and today is my day.” He grabs me by my chin. His fingernails dig into my skin and he puts his face in mine.

  “You better go, daddy. Uriah should be here any time and if he…” The way daddy is holding my face it comes out muddled.

  Daddy lets go of my hair, and strikes me across the face with his fist and I fall to the floor. I try to crawl away. I think if I can get somewhere, maybe I can fight back or hide or something, but daddy’s got different plans. He’s come with a force I’ve been running from for years.

  As I crawl, daddy kicks me in the stomach. That’s when I know for sure he’s come to hurt me and hurt me good. He’s got his pointed boots on and those points connect with one of my ribs and I hear it snap.

  I hear a rattle of tiny metal and the zip of a belt being pulled out of pant loops. I drag my eyes up to his face and what I see is hatred. He hates me. He’s hated me for a long time. I just don’t know why.

  “Daddy, why do you hate me?”

  Daddy stops and looks at me confused for a second like he’s never even given it a moment's thought. Then he pulls his arm back. I hold up my hand trying to keep it from hitting, but the belt lands around my arm and across my back with a smack. “Your mouth. That’s why. You always had to talk like you knew better than me.”

  He reaches back, and the belt comes down hard again. “You always talked like you were better than me. You were nothing but dirt just like your drug addict daddy. I hated him, too. Your face just reminds me of his face. I tried to love you, but every time I looked at your face it was just your ornery, dirty daddy looking back at me.”

  “Daddy, I’m sorry. I’m sorry. Please stop!”

  “Too late, girl.”

  After that, I guess he’d explained all he was going to explain because he hits me with the belt again and again and again punctuated with kicks each time. Daddy kicks me so hard I come up off the floor and land with a thud each time.

  It’s funny, I’m lying there and I realize two things. One, my daddy is going to beat me to death, and, two, of all the times to remember something, I remember why I stabbed him in the Thriftway. Now, I can tell Chrissy what happened. A giggle slips out at the thought.

  Daddy grabs me by the hair again to pull me up off the floor. I’ve got no strength to help so my head feels like it’s being scalped. He digs his fingers into my chin again. I can’t really see his face. My vision is blurry either from the beating or the blood. He slaps me again, but I don’t feel much at this point.

  I’m dazed. Daddy starts talking and it sounds like he’s in a wind tunnel. “Your momma always tried to come between me and you. Always tried to explain your smart mouth,” he says as his spittle hits me in the mouth. Daddy levels his gaze at me and smiles this sinister smile making me wish I’d never been born. “I knew what Marlin was doing to you. You and your momma thought I didn’t, but I did. Your momma whooped you ‘cause she thought she was keeping me outta jail, but she didn’t know I knew. I knew and I was glad it was happening. Your high and mighty rear end getting what was coming to ya cause your momma wouldn’t let me whip you like I wanted.”

  He shoves me back against the wall with his hand squeezing my throat. I try to claw at his hands. I’m gasping for air. My lungs are burning. He’s watching me fight and getting joy from it. When he lets go, I land hard on the floor. I’m coughing, trying to get air as my ears ring and my head swims. I can’t do anything but lie there while daddy begins beating me again. Every ounce of my strength is gone.

  I vaguely make out that Uriah’s come in the door.

  Daddy’s cussing and shouting.

  There’s a scuffle.

  Then Uriah is cradling me. He’s brushing the hair off my face and speaking softly. “Oh, my Lilly. Oh, my sweet Lilly.” I blink a few times, but my vision is still fuzzy. “Ambulance is on the way, Lilly. You hold on. You hear me?”

  At first, every move and every breath hurts worse than the last, but as time passes I start to feel numb. I can taste blood in my mouth, and I wonder if daddy has caused my insides as much hurt as my outsides. It’s hard to concentrate, and a thought comes to my mind: I’m dying.

  I’ve spent all this time with Uriah, scared to death to feel anything. I’ve spent all my time keeping him at arm’s length because other people have hurt me and I’m afraid of him doing the same. He’s been nothing but good to me and I’ve treated him like people have treated me.

  There’s excited movement in the living room, and I hear muffled voices. The need to tell Uriah before I go is overwhelming. “Uriah, I love you. I love you with all my heart.”

  I don’t know if I’ve said it loud en
ough for Uriah hear me or what. Whatever daddy’s done to me, he’s done it good and proper and I can’t stay anymore.

  Chapter Thirty Two

  As I wake up, I put together I’m in a hospital. Everything is quiet and serene, minus a few chirping noises here and there. It smells sterile and clean.

  I ache all over.

  My left arm is in a cast, every breath I take burns, and when I look down with the one eye which isn’t swollen, any visible skin is covered in bruises in varying shades of black and purple. My throat is sore and my mouth is dry, so when I try to speak it comes out as a grunt.

  Uriah is haloed by the light as he stands over me. I peer up with my one good eye. “Hi,” I whisper. “I guess I’m not dead.”

  “Hi,” he says and his voice cracks. “Not for a lack of trying, that’s for sure.”

  “Are you okay?”

  “Am I okay?” he asks and sits down on the edge of the bed. “No, I’m not.”

  “Did daddy get you too?”

  “He hurt you, and that was all it took.”

  “I hurt, Uriah.”

  I know he’s pressed the nurse call button when I hear a voice speak, and say, “Can I help you?”

  “She’s hurting,” Uriah says.

  “We’ll be there in a moment.”

  “Where is my daddy?”

  “He’s sitting in jail at the moment.”

  “Jail?”

  “Yep, police picked him up after he left the cabin. Bo got pictures of you when they first brought you in, showed them to Judge Kringle, and he’s going to be there for a while.”

  “Bo was here?”

  “Yeah, he saw you and broke down crying. He took pictures and left without saying much of anything.”

  “They won’t keep my daddy. Judge Kringle has known him a long time. He could’ve killed me and he’d still not have to worry about jail.”

  “Well, they have him in there so Judge Kringle must think something.”