by Chloe Walsh
Of course Linda had been right–she usually was–and our lives were slowly returning to normal. I was trying my best not to smother Lee, but it was difficult for me to let her go anywhere on her own. She was fragile and vulnerable and dammit the girl was too important to me. If I had my way I'd lock her away somewhere safe where no one could touch a hair on her head again. I got the fact that she needed her independence–her life back, but my blood pressure rose every time she went off on her own. Although to be fair I always knew where to find her.
The cemetery.
It was the only place Lee went without me and I felt like crap that I wasn't able to take her as often as she needed. Because it was a need for Lee–a comfort.
I was still pretty fucking annoyed about the whole bathroom incident yesterday. I had to meet with our lawyer to discuss Rachel's latest letter and had freaked out when Lee suggested going to visit Cam on her own. She went anyway and locked me in the bathroom so I couldn't stop her–for two fucking hours. When I'd eventually picked the lock and made it to my attorney's office, Derek had text me to let me know where she was and why. I'd felt like the worst piece of shit on this planet for not remembering the date. October 06th: Cam's birthday. I'd seen the desperation in Lee's eyes–heard it in her voice when she'd begged me to let her go–and I'd refused to listen…
Personally I didn't understand how she could sit in that place for hours on end chatting to a slab of marble. I missed Cam–thought about her every day–but I knew she was gone. I knew she wasn't under that earth and she couldn't hear my words.
I'd said my goodbyes when I'd pulled back that sheet and exposed her lifeless body. I'd prayed for her and cried for her and then I'd locked that shit up and kept on going. It wasn't about me being insensitive because I fucking cared. I cared and I grieved like everyone else, maybe not in the same way, but I did. It was about me accepting the fact that death was death. It was final. There was no phone signal or Wi-Fi wherever the hell Cam was now. She couldn't hear us and I couldn't change a damn thing. That might be a cold way of thinking, but it was my way. I lost my mom to suicide when I was three years old and I'd spent enough of my childhood praying to a black sky and getting no response. It helped Lee to talk to Cam though and I wanted to give her what she needed, but I didn't want her going anywhere without me. I knew that sounded selfish, but the girl was my heart. If anything else was to happen to her and I wasn't around…I'd lose my mind.
I fully acknowledged I was being a possessive asshole. There was no point in denying the truth, but my behavior was driven by love and fear. If it had been Lee sitting at my bedside for weeks–not knowing if I would live or die–I reckon she'd be a lot more understanding of my protective nature. I'd watched her struggle as she re-trained her body to do the things that had always come easily and it broke my fucking heart.
It scared the hell out of me that she may have to undergo another transplant in a few years. The doctors warned us that the average kidney transplant lasted between ten and twelve years. He'd also pointed out–since I'd lost my shit in his office–that others have been known to last for the lifetime of the recipient.
Because Tracy is Lee's biological mother, her chances are better than most. The doc had said that living donors are the best kind because the kidney's completely healthy, and blood relatives make the best donors because their tissues match or some shit. All I knew was Lee was healing and recuperating and I was living in a constant frenzy of fear, waiting for the next bad thing to strike us…
"Tell him there's an extra twenty grand if he's out by the end of the month."
Kelsie gaped at me. "But…today's the seventh, sir?"
I smirked as I turned around and headed towards my car. "Fine, fifty grand," I said throwing my hand in the air. "Just get me in that house as fast as possible, Kelsie."
****
It was a twenty minute drive from South Peak Road to University Hill, and within ten my phone was ringing. "Kelsie," I said putting the phone to my ear. "Tell me you have good news."
"Yes, Mr. Carter," I heard her say on the other line. "I offered twenty. He accepted. You'll have the keys by the twenty fifth."
I sighed in relief.
Thank fucking god.
"Good. Thanks, Kelsie, I owe you," I said before hanging up. Little Kelsie was going to be getting a bonus, that was for fucking sure. The girl had the temperament of a skittish foal, but she was a damn good lawyer.
Pulling into the driveway of my old house, I killed the engine and headed up the steps. My head hurt every time I came here. Pushing every fucked up mental image my mind was shoving to the surface aside, I turned the door knob. "Derek," I called out as I stepped inside. Jesus Christ, it was a good thing Lee couldn't deal with coming back here. Derek was living like a slob. "Derek," I shouted louder as I made my way through the rubble.
What a fucking pig sty.
I climbed over the piles of dirty laundry and empty beer cans, not stopping until I reached the kettle. Flicking it on, I busied myself with washing a couple of mugs and then grabbed some milk from the fridge. I opened the gallon and quickly closed it. Uh, I was sure I'd bought that very same gallon when I moved out, along with some groceries when I'd realized my dumb as fuck best friend wasn't feeding himself. Jesus.
Carrying the two mugs of black coffee I made my way down the hall to Derek's room. Opening the door, I looked inside and shook my head in disgust. "Get your ass up, douchebag," I growled. "It's seven in the evening."
Derek stirred from where he was lying face down on his bed. "Fuck off, Kyle," he mumbled, grabbing a pillow and covering the back of his head with it.
"I'll give you fuck off," I muttered. I'd tried everything with him these past few weeks. Talking didn't work. Pleading worked even less. Action was the only thing left. Setting the mugs down on the floor, I crossed the hall to the bathroom and filled a jug with water before heading back into his room and tossing it over his stupid ass. The blonde, who was sprawled out next to him, squealed and leapt up off the bed.
"Oh my god," she screamed, boobs out and pussy bare. She glared at me for a moment before her eyes took on a predatory gleam. "Divert your eyes, pretty boy, unless you feel like joining us?"
I snorted in disgust. "Divert your ass, Blondie, out of my fucking house. Now."
"Sorry, sweetheart," Derek grumbled as he sat up slowly. "The slumber party's over. Daddy's home."
"Say goodbye to your friend," I growled as I swung around to leave. "And take a damn shower."
****
"What's with the cock blocking?" Derek muttered as he strolled into the kitchen ten minutes later with a towel around his waist. "Not cool, Kyle. Not cool at all."
I had to use every ounce of my self-control to keep my ass in my chair and remind myself that Derek wasn't himself. The memory of how I'd found him a few weeks back came to the fore point of mind–a constant reminder that Derek wasn't coping as well as he made out.
I'd met his first sleep over buddy–naked in my goddamn kitchen–five days before Lee was due home while my daughter was upstairs sleeping.
I'd gone downstairs to grab Hope's morning feed, in just my boxers, only to be violated by a big breasted brunette with a dirty fucking mouth. Needless to say I'd lost my shit, and after tossing her ass out of my house, I'd stormed into his bedroom and had almost choked with fear…
His room reeked from the stench of whiskey and sex. He was sitting at the foot of his bed, fresh from a shower with a towel wrapped around his waist. "Is she gone?" Derek asked. I couldn't answer his question because my heart had stopped fucking beating when I saw what he was holding in his hand.
"What are you doing, Derek?" I managed to squeeze out even though my lungs felt like they were about to burst inside of my body.
"I'm tired, Kyle," he slurred, obviously still drunk from the night before–if he'd even gone to bed. "It's like my mind is stuck on repeat. Constantly playing out the same scenes over and over until I feel like I'm going crazy. And then I welcom
e the insanity. Sometimes I want to fall into that dark hole in my head. Fall in there and stay in the black. Black is easy." He laughed but it was forced. "I was fucking her and seeing Cam. How messed up does that make me? Visualizing myself with a dead girl who didn't even want me when she was alive…"
"No," I choked out as I sank down on the bed next to him and grabbed the bottle of sleeping pills–I hadn't even known he'd been prescribed–out of his hand. "You don't fall into the black, the dark or any of that shit. You feel like falling then you fall on me, you got it? You can always fall on me."
Derek slumped over. Resting his elbows on his knees, he covered his face with his hands. "This isn't me. I don't do this to women…I don't know who I am anymore. I don't have a fucking clue of what to do with myself. I've lost my job. I'm so screwed…I'm sorry, dude. I know you probably don't want Hope around me when I'm all fucked up like this. Shit, I don't want her around me when I'm like this."
"Stop talking crap, you know Hope loves you. You're fucking great with that girl and we all know it…Why does this conversation sound like you're saying goodbye?" I asked, fucking terrified. I'd never been in this position before, or at least not with someone I'd give my right arm for.
Derek didn't answer me which caused my anxiety levels to hit the roof. "Look, Derek, I know this sucks. I don't ever want to feel what you're feeling right now. She tore your fucking heart out when she left with Mike and I know you said you were okay about it, but it's clear that you're not. It's okay to be angry, to be shredded. If Lee pulled that shit on me and died before I had a chance to get closure I don't think I'd even function. But you have to get through this, dude. I'm here for you. You need to know that, man. I am here for you."
Since that morning I had tried everything to wake his ass up. Nothing worked. Even though he did seem a little more stable and smelled better, I found myself losing patience fast with the stranger walking around in my best friend's body. "You're an idiot, Derek. That chick was nasty. I could smell the STD's a mile off."
"I've been called worse," he grumbled plopping into the chair next to me. "And unlike your stupid ass, I always wrap it up. So are you here for an actual reason, or did you just stop by to berate me for my poor choice in women and drill me on my methods of birth control?"
"How much did you drink last night?" I asked ignoring his smart remarks. I was starting to think that I was stuck inside some warped universe.
For the past four months I'd put every ounce of my time and energy into getting Lee better and out of that damn hospital. And now she was home, Derek had gone and lost his damn mind. I knew he was hurting. I'd known that even when Lee was in her coma. He'd managed to keep it together for me even though his whole world had crumbled. I'd leaned on him too much. When I'd needed help with Hope, or with the business, I had turned to Derek and he'd supported me without clause or stipulation. I'd put too much on his shoulders. It was only a matter of time before he cracked.
Derek didn't answer, but the way his eyes flinched when I spoke too loud was answer enough. I hissed in frustration. "Jesus, man, you have to stop this. You're gonna put yourself in an early grave."
He looked at me with dead eyes. "Do I look like I care?"
"Don't," I warned. "Don't fucking say shit like that. Not after Cam…"
"Don't talk about her to me," he shouted jumping up from his chair. "I'm dealing with this my way."
That was the problem. He wasn't dealing with it at all. He'd closed himself off. I think the shock and the adrenalin kept him functioning for the first few weeks after the shooting, but when that wore out the guy had just…slumped. Now he refused to speak about Cam, to me at least. "You're going to have to talk about her, preferably sooner than later."
"Preferably never," he shot back in annoyance.
Okay, change tactics…
"I bought the house on South Peak Road," I told him watching for some glimmer of life. I saw nothing besides the slight flare of his nostrils. "The one I was telling you about with the apartment in the basement. I get the keys in a few weeks. I want you to come with us and get out of this damn house."
He folded his arms and stared me down. "No thanks."
"This is not healthy, dude," I argued. "Living in this house after what…"
"I said I'm not moving out, Kyle," he shouted. "I don't want to. So you can either accept that or throw me out."
I sighed heavily. "You know I'm not going to throw you out, you idiot."
"Then let it go."
"Fine," I hissed as I stood up and made my way out of the kitchen. I wasn't getting anywhere with him and I was needed at the hotel. Lee got nervous if she was on her own too long and I'd been gone with hours. It was dark outside, she'd be worried by now. I never left her on her own. This was the first time we'd been apart in the twenty-two days she'd been home. Fuck. I needed to hire someone to keep an eye on her when I couldn't be there. It didn't do either of us any good to be constantly worrying. "Did you talk to Lee about meeting her mom yet?" I'd asked Derek to drop it into conversation whenever he saw Lee. I was hoping he could make her see sense…
"It's not happening, Kyle," Derek said with a sigh. "You need to let it go, man."
"Not happening," I snapped. "They need to speak to each other. It's going to happen. I can't just sit back and do nothing."
"That's your problem, Kyle," Derek growled. "You don't always have to do something in order to help a person. Sometimes you can help more by just listening and more again by hearing what that person is telling you."
"Whatever, dude," I growled as I gestured around at what used to be a respectable looking house. "Listening won't get shit done around here. Clean this mess up."
"Sure, thing, dad."
"Dig deep, Derek," I said when I reached the front door. "And keep digging until you find yourself. I know you're in there. Don't let it win. Fucking fight it, dude."
****
Chapter 3
Nervous wreck
Lee
Where was he?
He'd been gone with hours.
I paced the floor of our makeshift home in the honeymoon suite of the Henderson hotel. Anxiety was gnawing at my stomach. I didn't like feeling this way but it was impossible not to all things considered. I checked on Hope, and then I checked on her again. She was sleeping soundly in her crib–had been with the past thirty minutes and I knew she was down for the night. I'd been blessed with a baby who slept right through since she was eight weeks old.
I peeked through the curtain once more. It was getting dark outside. I hated the darkness. You could never tell what was lurking in the shadows–or who. Grabbing my cell, I powered it up and dialed his number.
"Hey, you've reached Kyle. Leave a message."
"Kyle," I whispered into the phone. "Can you please call me when you get this?" I hung up and turned my phone off quickly. I needed to get a handle on these nerves. I needed to get rid of them. They were ruining my life. I was okay with being on my own, but it freaked me out when I was alone at night. The silence disturbed me–it unleashed my nightmares.
I couldn't turn on the television. My face was all over it. I couldn't turn on my phone, my parents were tormenting me. All I could do was sit in this damn hotel room and stare at the four walls while my mind stirred up every bad memory just to torment me.
"Your mother's alive."
Those were the same words I'd been battling with since I opened my eyes in that hospital room and looked into his blue eyes.
"She's a real nice lady," Kyle had said to me when I'd woken up from my coma, but I couldn't say that I agreed. I was grateful for the kidney and I was incredibly lucky that it had worked right away. There was a girl down the corridor from my hospital room who had to have continued dialysis after her transplant. The type of kidney failure I'd suffered was called acute kidney injury (AKI). It happened to me because of the damage caused to my kidneys when Rachel shot me.
At the time my body had shut down and had been running on less than ele
ven percent kidney function. Basically I was dying. I would have died if my mother hadn't come out of hiding and saved me. And while they had removed my left kidney–the one the bullet had penetrated–and replaced it with Tracy's one, Dr. Michaels, my nephrologist, had hope that my right kidney would eventually begin to function normally. I was afraid to get my hopes up too much. I didn't dare.
I knew I owed Tracy my life. Without her I wouldn't be here. Lord knows I was grateful, but my gratitude didn't change the past. It didn't erase my memories, or lack of.
Twenty years' worth of memories that didn't include her. I didn't have one single recollection of the woman who called herself my mother.
The only mother I had known was the one I had prayed to every night of my childhood to come and take me in my sleep, because being an angel in heaven with my momma seemed more appealing than being a battered child at the hands of my daddy. The mother who I'd sent silent messages of misery to every time my father put his hands on me. The mother whose death I had spent my life feeling guilty for. The mother who I'd been told died giving birth to me. All lies…
The worst thing about this whole messed up situation was Kyle's lack of understanding. I loved that man with every fiber of my being, but his attitude hurt me. He was one hundred percent pro-Tracy.
Kyle didn't understand my animosity towards her. But then again, he had never been a six year old girl forced to hide in the woods all night because her daddy had beaten her on her backside with a bicycle chain for eating the last slice of bread and then hit her harder for crying. Nor had he been that ashamed little girl when she had to let her best friend put cream on the wounds. Or an eleven year old girl who'd thought she was dying when she got her first period because no one had explained to her a menstrual cycle.