by Chloe Walsh
"The mattress," she squealed. "Did you check under her mattress? She always kept a journal. I think she used to keep in the drawer of her vanity table, but maybe she moved it when they broke up...Oh my god, Kyle." She paused at looked up at the house before turning back to face me. Her gaze met mine and the excitement I saw glittering in her eyes was something I hadn’t seen in months. "What if her journal really is in there? We could find out what she was thinking…"
"No," I said in a firm tone. She didn't need to be building her hopes up. That room held nothing that could help anyone. Cam was dead. Her stuff was gone. She'd moved out weeks before she died. There was nothing in there. It was over.
"Kyle," Lee said desperately as she pulled her legs underneath herself and knelt on her seat facing me. "Please. Please just check for me. I am begging you to check under the mattress. Just this once, please?" Lee batted her big, gray eyes at me and I knew I was screwed. Aw shit…
"Fine," I grumbled as I opened the door and climbed out. "But you have to promise me that you won't let this drag you down." I rested my arm on the car door and leaned down so I could see her face. She looked entirely too excited about this and I didn't want to be the one to break her spirits. What good could come from Cam's journal even if we did find it?
Why did it matter to her?
It meant nothing to me.
Whatever was written inside of it was her own private thoughts. I didn't want to go messing with that. No way. I a hard enough time cracking the thought process of my living fiancée. My dead friend's mind wasn't a place I ever wanted to go.
"I'll do this once, Lee," I said in a firm tone. "But just once. It's not fair on you, me or Derek to drag this shit back up. We need to move on, princess."
"Okay," she agreed quickly, too quickly, which meant she hadn't listened to a word I said.
Closing the door of the car I had the biggest urge to kick something as I made my way up the steps to the porch. This was a bad idea. A really bad fucking idea. I knocked a couple of times before trying the door handle. It creaked open. Derek hadn't even locked the door.
Jesus.
I made my way down the hallway and paused at her door. I didn't want to do this, didn't want to go in there. It felt wrong. I felt like I was breaking the law. "Cam, if you can hear me, then you already know that none of this was my idea," I muttered into thin air before putting my hand on the door knob. "So, just don't go haunting my ass, okay?"
Twisting the door knob, I slowly opened her door and stood in her doorway for a moment. It was exactly as I knew it would be. Empty, with the exception of her bed and a couple of boxes thrown on top of it. The neon pink walls of her bedroom were devoid of the numerous photographs that used to clutter them. Her window sill, that once held more beauty products than a pharmacy, was now empty.
She was gone.
I worked quickly and quietly as I deposited the boxes on her floor before lifting her heavy ass mattress. I'd barely glanced underneath when a voice drilled in my ears, freezing me to the spot.
"What are you doing in here?"
Shit.
Turning my head, I came face to face with a very pissed looking Derek. Dropping the mattress back down, I scratched my head and attempted to look confused. It wasn't a hard look considering I was confused as hell right now. "Hey, Derek," I said sheepishly. "How's…Kevin?"
"You're selling the house, aren't you?" he demanded as he stood in the doorway with arms at his sides and his hands fisted.
What? "What makes you say that?" I asked as my brain went into overdrive as I strived to find a good enough lie to get my ass out of this mess. He'd crack if he thought there was a journal of Cam's hanging around the place. I didn't want him going frantic on me. Jesus, he was only starting to talk again. This could put him back fifty paces.
"You're in her room," he snarled, stepping forward. "Touching her stuff." He stepped closer until there was less than two feet between us. "Tossing her things around like they're worthless. You can't sell it, Kyle. You promised. You fucking promised me."
"Calm down," I coaxed as I placed my hand on his shoulder. "I'm not selling the h…"
His fist came up before I had a chance to block it and landed on my jaw. I turned my head and spat the blood that was pooling in my mouth on the floor. "You good?" I snapped. "Or do you need to do it again?"
He hit me again, harder this time. "Hit me back, Kyle," he roared. "Hit me. Fucking hit me."
"No," I said calmly as he slammed my back against the bedroom wall. I kept my hands by my sides. I wasn't going to react. I wasn't going to fight him. If he burst my skull open, I wasn't going to lay a hand on him. Everyone needed a scape goat at one time or another. He'd been mine on enough occasions. It was my turn to be his.
"Hit me," he roared as his voice broke. I didn't. I just took his beating. "Please…just fucking hit me, Kyle," he begged as he slammed my shoulders against the wall.
"Get it out, buddy," I coaxed. "Get it all out."
Derek dropped his hands from my throat and staggered backwards, shaking violently. "I'm sorry," he whispered in a shocked tone of voice. "I'm so fucking sorry, dude." He sank to the floor and wrapped his arms around his knees.
"Derek," I whispered as I knelt down beside him. "Der, it's okay, man."
"I hit you," he hissed as he rocked back and forth, pulling at his hair. "I could've broken you jaw."
"Dude, I have a head like a rock," I joked, in an attempt to console him. "It's gonna take more than a few bitch slaps from you to break me." I was lying. My jaw was killing me and I was pretty sure he'd loosened some teeth.
"He ran away," he whispered.
"Who did?" I asked.
"Kevin." He looked at me with tear-filled eyes. "He left me…" Staggering to his feet, he backed away from me slowly. "You need to stay away from me, too," he whispered. "I'm a fucking train-wreck." With that he turned on his heel and bolted from the room.
"See what you did to him, Cam?" I muttered as I pulled myself to my feet. "You really did a number on him, pretty girl."
****
"Was it there?" Lee called out as I stalked back to the car.
"No," I growled as I swung the car door open. "Like I said. Everything's gone."
"What happened to your face?" she cried out the minute I sat into the car. Scrambling across the seat, she climbed onto my lap and started stroking my face gently. "Your lip is bleeding…Kyle, what happened to you?" Her fingers froze on my cheek and she blanched. "Oh my god, is your jaw swelling…"
"Relax, baby. I'm fine," I coaxed as I pried her hands from my face and held them in between our bodies. "A loose bedspring popped up and cracked me in the face." The image of Derek crumpled on the floor invaded my mind. What the hell was I going to do with him…
"A loose bedspring?" She furrowed her brow and fixed her incredulous gaze on me. "A bedspring just happened to jump off the bed and attack you?"
"That's what I said happened, so that's what fucking happened," I snapped. Lee flinched and I was filled with self-loathing. "Sorry, princess," I whispered as I patted her thigh.
She blinked a few times before exhaling heavily. "Does it hurt?" she asked as she gingerly cupped my cheek. "Are you sore?"
"I'll be fine," I told her.
I only wished I could say the same for Derek.
****
Chapter 9
My downfall
Derek
My coping skills sucked.
Whiskey, sleeping pills and grief weren't the best recovery aid for a man in my position.
I didn't know why I was still sitting in the bar of the hotel. Well no, that was a barefaced lie. I knew exactly what I was doing here and exactly who I was looking for. I wasn't going home. Not until I got this fucking notion out of my system. I knew she would be here. All I had to do was wait. It wouldn't take much. She'd offered before. Tonight I would be accepting.
My conscience started to pipe up and I shut that fucker down with the image of Cam naked in his
arms.
I spotted the familiar face I had been waiting for and tossed my drink back.
Showtime…
Sliding off the stool I was sitting on, I pushed past a couple of drunks until I was standing behind her. She swung her face around and when her eyes met mine I knew it was a done deal. "Hey sweetheart," I purred as I pressed myself against her. "I've been looking for you."
I probably should have a chosen someplace other than Kyle's hotel to do this. If he knew what I was about to do it could destroy our friendship. Then again, he might just clap me on the back. My plan was genius and revenge was a dish best served with a blonde.
****
Lee
"I got a call earlier," Kyle mumbled as we were lying in bed. He was twisting one of my curls around his finger as I snuggled into his chest. He was also void of clothes and I had a feeling his no-sex rule was about to come to an end…"The house is ready. We can move in the day after tomorrow."
"Already?" I asked excitedly as I stretched up to look at him. "But you only got the keys the other day?" Kyle didn't say anything, but the smug grin on his face was enough of an answer.
Money was power…
I rested my cheek in the crook of his arm and sighed in gratification. "Thank you for taking such good care of us, Kyle." I was really excited about getting out of the hotel and the bustle and noise of the city. It would be real nice to get some fresh air into my lungs again. I'd been inside for so long I was feeling sticky. I was also really excited about raising Hope away from the city. I wanted her to have nature at her back door and space to run and play. The freedom of living in the countryside had been the best part of my childhood.
Growing up in Montgomery, I'd always enjoyed the peace and quiet when I sat in the woods at the back of our house or taking a walk down to Benny's bridge to throw rocks in the creek with Cam. I used to love being outside. I hoped she would, too.
The only thing that dampened on my excitement was the fact that Derek was still refusing to come with us. Kyle kept telling me he would be okay, but I knew he was saying this so I wouldn't worry. Derek was in a bad place. A blind man could see that. I wished I could do more for him, but stepping foot inside that house was not an option. I couldn't…My mind reverted back to our wild goose chase the other day and I flinched. I'd been so convinced Kyle would find her journal. The tiny spark of hope I had in my heart had deflated when he stormed back to the car, in a horrible mood, with his face all cut up. Kyle was a fast healer, and didn’t have a mark left, but I still wasn’t sure if I believed the whole bedspring line he'd fed me. It sounded as realistic as a pig flying, but I wasn’t going to push him. He just about tore my head off the last time I questioned him…I shouldn’t have forced him to go in there. I was such a selfish person. This was hard for Kyle, too. I needed to remember that. Cam was his friend, too…
"Are you happy, Lee?" Kyle asked me quietly and I didn’t miss the nervousness in his voice, or the way his fingers trailed over the scars on my back when he whispered, "Am I making you happy?"
"Yeah, Kyle, you are," I reassured him. "Are you? Do I make you…"
"Yeah, baby, you make me happy," Kyle murmured as he stretched out underneath me. "Lee," he said in a serious tone. "I know you feel smothered being stuck inside all the time, but it's only until the trial is over and it won't be so bad in the new place. I know you think I'm being a dick, and maybe I am, but I need to keep you safe. There's a lot of bad stuff out there. Things I need you protected from…"
"I don't," I interrupted him as I stroked his chest. "I don't think you're a…well, maybe I do, but I'm starting to understand why you react like the way you do, or least I'm trying to."
"Yeah?" he murmured as he trailed his fingers over the dip in my back. Everywhere his fingers touched left a trail of goose bumps on my body.
"Sometimes I forget about how things were for you in our relationship before…" I paused to think of how to phrase my words best. "You're so strong and self-assured and well, I'm…I tend to be a little flighty."
Kyle laughed and it was a deep throaty sound. "Understatement of the century, princess."
"Hey," I admonished gently. "If you're referring to my behavior when I was pregnant then I'd like to plead hormonal insanity."
"Is that even a medical condition?" he asked, his voice laced with amusement, as he stroked my back. "Being honest, you scared the shit out of me half the time, princess."
"Listen," I said in a serious tone of voice. "Every morning you get ready for work, all I want to do is barricade the door and keep you with me." I felt guilty for worrying him so badly last week. I wasn't sorry for walking away from the conversation–he needed to drop it–but I didn't think about how he'd feel when he found me gone. I needed to put myself in his shoes more often…"I want to keep you safe too, Kyle," I admitted.
"I can take care of myself," he said and I could tell that he was smiling as he spoke. "You're the one who seems to need round the clock surveillance."
"I'm not an invalid, Kyle," I snapped. I knew he was referring to my kidneys. "I did call the doctor, you know. I didn’t ignore my health. I was misinformed."
"No, Lee, you're not an invalid," he said in a serious tone. "But you are a target with a very high price tag around your neck. Baby, you walking around the place on your own right now, after everything that's been written about our wealth, makes you as vulnerable as a lamb walking with wolves."
"No one wants…" I began to say, but he interrupted me.
"People want money," he snapped and I could feel the tension seeping into his body. "I have money and I have one very obvious weakness. One guaranteed way of getting my money. What is it?"
Me…"Okay, Kyle, but it's a very small risk."
"One I'm not prepared to take," he said with a sigh. "I'm not taking any more risks. Not when it comes to you..."
"Fine, so how about a compromise?" I asked quietly. "I promise not to run off without telling you and you promise not to push me to meet her?"
"You're gonna use your safety as a bargaining tool against me?" he asked, his voice laced with disgust.
"Try and see it from my point of view, Kyle," I muttered, equally disgusted. "We're both doing things that are hurting each other, so let's just stop doing those things. No more lying to each other…Both of us."
"The things I do, I do with your best interests at heart," he countered. "The things you do could potentially…"
"Did you see Derek today?" I asked changing the subject before we had a full on fight. I was too tired to argue and he was too adamant. Kyle's body tensed and his arm tightened around my back.
"He phoned me this morning ranting and raving, but when I went to the house he wouldn't answer the door," he mumbled in a gruff tone. "He sent me a text earlier, so at least I know he's conscious, but I haven't seen him since Thursday. He's still refusing to come with us."
"Kyle, you know this isn't your fault, right?" I whispered. "Derek's suffering from depression. Unfortunately that's not an illness that has a quick fix. You can't save the world, baby."
"I don't want to save the world," he replied. "I want to save the ones I love who have to endure this world. That's a pretty small list, Lee. One that seems to keep getting smaller no matter what the hell I do."
I flinched at his words. Cam. My heart ached. "You couldn't save her, Kyle. You weren't there. There wasn't a thing you could have done…"
"I'm not just talking about Cam, princess," he hissed. Releasing my hair, he rubbed his face with his palm and groaned. "There's our baby. My grandfather. My mom…fuck, I couldn't even save your damn dog. And Derek? He's so screwed up that I don't know what the hell to say to him half the time. And now Mike's all fucked up, too. I shouldn't even care about Mike…I shouldn't give a damn about him."
"But you do," I whispered. I watched Kyle nod his head from under his arm. "You're not superman, Kyle. No one expects you to fix everything." I pulled myself onto my knees and looked down at him. He was thrown on his back w
ith his arm tossed over his face. Covering his eyes with his arm was something I had discovered Kyle did when he was upset.
"Don't hide from me," I whispered as I moved his arm away from his face. He looked up at me with the most lonesome expression and my heart broke. It was a rare thing to see his vulnerability. He hid it well.
"I'm just tired, Lee," he admitted. "Some days I feel like I'm slamming my head against a brick wall. No matter what I do everything keeps going to shit, baby. It makes me feel sick to my stomach to know that my daughter is going to grow up in a world like this. With all this…suffering."
"Kyle," I said quietly. "Sometimes, no matter how much you try and plan and pray, things just go to hell. Life is full of heartbreak and the world is cruel, but it's still a beautiful place to be." I stroked his chest, right over his heart. "It's beautiful because we have the ability to love. We love harder than death. We love fiercer than hate. A human heart has more power than any nuclear weapon. It is impenetrable, even when it stops beating. You can break it, tear it to pieces, put a hole in it, but you can't erase the feelings, and those feeling are contagious. The contents can never be wiped clean. They spread in our thoughts, words, actions and our memories. So, don't lose hope, baby." I stretched forward and pressed my lips to his. "Because yours is the biggest heart I've ever felt." I rubbed my nose against his cheek. "We'll figure this out together, okay. You're not on your own in this. I'm by your side. I'm on your side."
"Where the hell did you come from, Lee Bennett?" Kyle shook his head as he pulled me onto his lap. "Seriously, how the hell did you turn out so pure?"
"I'm not pure, Kyle," I giggled. "You saw to that remember?"
"Baby, you're like snow to me," he purred. Sitting up he tugged on my hips and pulled me forward until our chests were touching. "I love that you were a virgin. It's sexy as hell knowing the only thing that's been inside you is me."