Chip looked ready to bolt out the door, and I could hardly blame him.
I walked over to the flower bundle, grabbed the Go-Cup, and filled it with water.
“So, what do I do?” I called over my shoulder. “Cut the bottoms off the stems?” It seemed I’d heard something about that.
“You can. The florist said it’s supposed to help them take in more water.”
I kept my back turned, reaching out and pulling open the drawer. I mechanically located the scissors, and attended to the task of arranging the flowers in the “vase.” The blue carnations created an attractive arch of beauty over the faded image of the Taco Bell® Chihuahua.
Finally, I turned to see Chip sitting in the black La-Z-Boy® recliner, intently watching me. Enjoying his gaze, I walked over, putting a sway into my hips. I stood next to the chair, hovering over him, and slipped my hands into his.
They trembled in mine.
I pulled, urging him to stand.
He rose, towering over me, but even as our bodies pressed together, his gaze dropped toward the floor. Again.
I reached up, clasping my hand around the back of his neck.
He let me pull him close, so I could speak into his ear. “Thanks for the flowers, my dear, dear friend. If you wanted me, all you had to do was ask.”
I pressed my lips against his. A gasping exhale blew into my mouth, and I giggled against his lips. “You’re not supposed to hold your breath, love. It’s a lot more fun if you just relax and go with it.”
This time his lips met mine, and his arms wrapped around my shoulders. Much better.
We separated gently. “Let’s go to my room.”
I watched his face change from a dumbfounded stare to an awareness of my meaning. “I’ve never...tried to be with a woman before. I didn’t know. I wasn’t sure if...if you wanted—”
“Shhhh. Be sure.”
He tried to speak again, but I brushed a finger against his lips. “Later. We’ve more important things to do now.”
I smiled up at him.
His arms enfolded me. Then, he lowered his face to mine.
Our lips met in mutual hunger.
My knees went limp, but he held me tight.
With a sudden burst of confidence, he scooped me off my feet, and I floated in his arms.
We continued to kiss while he held me. Passion overcame me, and I slid my tongue forward. He pulled back a moment, then welcomed the kiss.
My entire body flushed in heated response. I broke away to catch my breath.
I giggled. “So—my big, strong, handsome Chip. Now that you’ve got me, what are you going to do with me?”
He grinned back, then cradled me against his chest, his mouth meeting mine once again.
Before long, a euphoric buzz overcame my senses. I separated from our kiss, our mutual panting filling my ears, and I basked in the security of his arms. “Come on, my sweet. Carry me down the hall. My bedroom’s at the end.”
He paused at the doorway, and I reached out, turning the knob and opening the door.
With infinite gentleness, he lowered me onto the bed. I grabbed his hand and held it to my chest, sharing the pounding of my heart.
His lips found mine again, his face pressing me back against the pillow, while his hand brushed a hesitant question against my breast.
I moaned against his mouth, enclosing my hand over his, pressing in urgent firmness.
He needed no further instruction.
The universe turned giddy with shivers and stroking and hot kisses.
Soon, my blouse lay open while his mouth left fluttering butterfly kisses along the nape of my neck. That’s when ecstasy fled before the insistent urging of responsibility.
“Wait…Chip…”
Even while I pressed my hands against his shoulders, the edges of the room blurred in yet another wave of pleasure.
“We need to…cool off a second.” Chip’s look of confusion snapped into focus six inches from my own.
“I don’t understand.” His confusion turned to hurt. “Oh, Blue, I’m sorry. I thought this was what you wanted. We don’t have to—”
I laughed. I couldn’t help it. “Stop, stop, stop. No, silly. That’s not it. This is what I want. Don’t even think about backing out now, Mister. We just need to be smart about it.”
I waited for my sentence to penetrate his fog of confusion. Finally, he shook his head, a vague look of guilt on his face. “I guess I wasn’t thinking we’d end up—”
“Well, we’re ending up. Now, when I packed to move, I had to hide my box of condoms from Mom. I think I know where they are, but we may have to search through several boxes in my closet to find them.”
I underestimated how focused Chip could get when given the proper motivation.
Three minutes later, he placed the small, wooden trinket box in my hands.
Shortly after, we picked up where we’d left off.
* * * *
Late Saturday night, on our third try, Chip figured my body out. My world dissolved into blind, screaming energy and then limp darkness. I buzzed and floated, basking in the end result of a full day’s work—incredible, fun, exhausting work. After my release, spent and deliriously happy, I slept. Comforting arms held me snug for the rest of the night.
I drifted into wakefulness to find his mouth caressing mine. I kissed him back, welcoming and returning his love.
Last night’s euphoria lingered in the quiet of the room.
Chip settled on his side next to me. His gaze held mine. Sober, blue eyes that spoke their utter sincerity.
I opened my mouth to say something, but my voice had fled. I could only smile back, shaking my head and tapping my fingers against my chest in a swooning gesture.
He laughed, and then his face softened. “I love you, Blue.”
Like a stab of dread, his declaration penetrated my euphoria. A flush of shame settled over me. I’d wooed and seduced this boy, and he’d fallen for me, head over heels—exactly as I’d planned. Now, he waited with a hopeful look for the expected response.
The smile froze on my face. I couldn’t make myself say the words. Tiny doubts and questions buzzed in my head. Can I love him? Do I want to love him? The time had come to give my heart, and some internal reflex wouldn’t let me. Ah, typical. Shit!
The moment lingered, and my voice returned to me. “I’m trouble to you, Chip.”
He shook his head, gripping my hand and kissing my fingers. “You’re wonderful.” He lay his head on my shoulder.
Even now, my body responded with a shivering tingle. “You think so now, but you don’t know everything about me.” I massaged his head.
“No. You are.” He reached up and stroked my tangled hair with infinite gentleness. He rolled a blue strand between his fingers, and dangled the end between us. “Don’t ever change. No matter what.”
My eyes stung, and I pulled him close. Chip, my only friend. What have I done to us?
Chapter Twenty
I drifted into blessed nothingness.
“Blue.”
From a distance, someone whispered my name.
No, not just someone, and not just any name. “Blue,” my love teased again, his voice a gentle tickle across my ear. The word—more accurate than a fingerprint—assured me that Chip lay as close as a whisper in my ear.
I’d settled like a limp rag on the bed. I eased into a slow, numb wakefulness—my mind and body synced to a world of total safety and security. A feeling I’d not had in a long time.
Scratch that. A feeling I’d never had in my life.
Savoring the moment, I took my own sweet time waking up.
I gripped the pillow, pressing it tightly against the side of my face, wanting to hide in its darkness. I could feel the warmth of Chip’s body, spooned against me, his mouth hovering close to my ear.
His hand caressed my bare shoulder, causing an answering shiver to travel across my skin.
I sighed in pleasure. “What is it, Chip?”
I opened my eyes, becoming fully awake. “It’s just a name, Chip.”
His chuckle reached me in the darkness. I imagined him shaking his head. “Janet is just a name, Blue. Fi-Fi is a name for a poodle.”
I took in a deep breath and turned to face him. I could make out his silhouette in the dim light. He laid propped up on one elbow, just watching me from his side of the double bed.
From the intensity of his gaze, I’d wondered if he’d been watching me for hours. The idea sent shivers of loving warmth through me.
What if I snored or kept him awake for some other embarrassing reason? God, how do I even ask? The loving warmth vanished, and I shivered against him. My traitorous mind had determined to sabotage all the positives from this moment.
I blinked sleep from my eyes, then reached out and entwined his fingers with mine. “Fi-Fi was a nickname I sort of adopted for myself. It was…originally used as a term of affection by somebody who was very close to me.”
“So does that mean you’ll want everyone to call you ‘Blue’, now?”
I giggled. “No, sweet Chip. You can call me that, but no one else.” I squeezed his hand. “Just now, when I was waking, I heard you say it, and I knew it was you. I felt very safe and loved.”
His arms pulled me close, and his face nuzzled into my neck. I reached up and scratched his soft, matted hair. “When I hear it, I want to know it’s you every time.”
His breath brushed against my arm. “I can live with that.”
He planted light kisses along my shoulder, and then I picked up the discussion. “So, this very special man was a sort of mentor to me when I was a child. He was very kind to me. I think he was my father.”
I could feel Chip pause in mid-kiss. I waited while he pulled his face back to speak. “I don’t understand.”
Oh, Chip. Maybe I don’t want you to understand.
Yet here I was, telling him. “Well, it’s not exactly casual conversation—not even between Mom and me—but I’ve never met my father. Or maybe it’s better to say, we’ve never been introduced.”
“So, who was he?”
I shrugged. “Your guess is as good as mine. I’ve never been told.”
From nowhere, a deep well of emotion swirled within me.
Where is this coming from?
I covered my face with my hands, fighting back tears. “I just don’t know, and she won’t tell me. I’ve asked several times. The last time, she screamed at me never to bring it up, again.”
“That’s terrible.” No longer whispering, Chip sounded angry.
“I suppose Mom decided to get herself pregnant and have a child. So she did, and that’s all she thinks I need to know.”
“You don’t talk about your mother much.”
I fidgeted against him. When Mom came up in conversation, I’d get riled. Only this time someone asked what no one had before, and I struggled to control the shaking in my body.
A tear escaped, slipping down my cheek. How he saw it, I don’t know, but his hand brushed across my face. I sniffled. “Y’know, it’s not like any man could ever deal with her, so why she decided to have a child is beyond me. She’s an enormously successful businesswoman. She led her law firm to a prosperous town. She can demand top dollar for her time and professional advice. There’s no way she’d let a man get in her way.”
Words kept flying out of my mouth, out of my control. “Somehow, she got some man to cooperate. She banged somebody and got them out of the way, and nine months later, I was born. Me. Fi-Fi, the pet daughter.”
He stroked my back. “Don’t talk about yourself that way.”
As the words poured out of me, heat burned my face. “It’s like that Heart song they played on the radio when I was a kid. Pick up a hitchhiker, quick bang in a hotel, and send him on his way. ‘All I Want to Do is Make Love to You.’ Convenient for everyone involved. Everyone, except me.”
In the dark, I could hear my panting breath. I wiped my eyes and sniffled. So many times in the past, people would ask, and I rattled off bullshit without batting an eye. Now Chip asked, and I babbled away like a fool.
I slammed my head into the pillow. “Sorry.”
“It’s okay, Blue.” His hand stroked my back. “It’s okay.”
I closed my eyes. My breathing calmed, and my tears stopped.
The silence lingered. “Can I know about this man?” Chip whispered.
I reached up and placed my hand over his, trying to control my tone and emotion. “His name is Paul Willis. He was one of the senior partners in Mom’s firm. Paul and Mom dated on and off until I was about eight years old.”
I took a deep, shaking breath. “Before they broke up for good, he would come over all the time. He was very affectionate and playful with me, but not in a gross Stepdad kind of way. There was one thing we agreed on. He hated my real name.”
Chip spoke the dreaded syllables. “Fiona Felicity?”
“Have you ever heard anything so stuck up? When they’d fight, my name would often come up. He’d say she may as well have called me ‘Fi-Fi’ because it was just as attractive and didn’t sound as snotty.”
“They had fights about your name, and you’re wondering if he’s your father?”
“Do you think he is? Really?” I couldn’t hide the hopeful tone in my voice.
“Well, based on that alone, I’d say the chances are pretty good.”
I turned in the bed to face him, ticking off the facts that had rattled around in my head for years, facts I’d shared with no one. “He was the only man my mother let me go places with. We took special all-day trips, like to the zoo, or I’d stay at his apartment on weekends when Mom was carrying a big case load. He must’ve been my father; I’m sure of it.”
I stopped, biting my lip, but unable to prevent the next words. “Mom drove him away, then refused to tell me one way or the other, no matter how often I’d beg her to. It’s just one more thing I hate her for.”
“Don’t say that. You don’t really mean that you hate your mother.”
“You have no fucking idea how much I hate my mother!”
Chip almost jumped out of the bed at my eruption.
Still angry but exhausted, I started crying again, covering my face and wanting to crawl into a hole.
We wallowed in silence for a long time before his voice reached me, again. “It’s so…beyond my experience.”
“Chip…there’s more. I ran around with the Broad Ripple college punks since I was 13. Don’t get me wrong. They’re great people, most of the time. Except late at night when some of them got drunk. I had to learn how to protect myself, because sometimes, I didn’t get back home as early as I’d planned. Most of my friends were very protective of me, but the others…”
Apparently Chip decided it was safe to scoot close, because his arm gently wrapped around my waist.
“Chip, I hung out with a 20-year-old wasteoid last year. He was so neat at first. So nice and attentive. He told me how beautiful I was, how mature I was for my age. I bought all that bullshit, but then one night I came over. He decided it would be a kick to break into one of the bars.”
I blinked away tears and could see Chip’s eyes widen at my words. There it was. I’d said it out loud straight-up and hadn’t even tried to steer the conversation away.
I kept on talking, telling the secret only Joey and I shared until tonight.
I hid my eyes while I spoke. “Well, anyway, I stayed at the door while he rifled through the safe. Jackoff didn’t know how to break into it, even though he swore beforehand he could.
“Then, the alarm went off, and the cops were right there on top of us. We were one lucky turn down an alleyway from getting caught. I was ready to tell him to take a hike the next day, except I chickened out.
“Joey swore up and down that he was drunk, and that it wouldn’t happen again if I gave him another chance. So I stayed. Like a fool, I stuck it out, but guess what my bitch-of-a-m
om did?”
Chip’s body jolted at my expletive.
“A couple days later, during breakfast, Mom starts reading the newspaper out loud. It’s something she does sometimes. You know, when she can’t bitch about me, she’ll find something we can bitch about together. I guess that’s her idea of mother-daughter bonding.”
“Doesn’t sound like a fun way to spend your mornings,” Chip said wryly.
“So, she read the story of the break-in. Mom even commented that it was a good thing I had stayed over at my girlfriend’s house. I’m sitting there, about ready to pop from the guilt, and then the bitch just dropped the topic and moved on to another article.”
I could hear the confusion in Chip’s words. “Well, that’s good, right? That she didn’t suspect? Would you have rather she kept on you about it?”
“No. Not at the time. For the next several weeks, I went to bed every night praying she wouldn’t ask. Then, I started thinking about it, and damn it, she should have wondered. What kind of mother doesn’t ask her kid questions?” Before he could answer, I rushed on. “The kind who doesn’t care.”
The tears forced their way out again. “She does what she can to enjoy her career, and as long as I...stay out of trouble...she’s happy.” Shut up, shut up!
I heard his breath draw in to respond, but I kept talking.
“Chip, I’d never done anything like that before, and I’ll never do anything like that, again. I’m not that kind of a person, and I didn’t want to be. So after that, I made a point to come home early and steer clear of Joey when he was high.” Why do I keep blabbering my head off?
“Good for you.”
“My mother doesn’t even notice, except to tell everyone how my grades have improved. ‘Look, everyone, my pet daughter has a new trick. Come over after work...’”
My eyes stung, and the tears flowed. Again. Damn it! Why am I doing this? Why around him?
I shrugged him away. “Leave me alone.”
He pulled his hand back.
In the smoldering silence, my tears soon stopped. “Chip, if you repeat a word of this...” I stopped in mid-threat, appalled at my own reflex.
I didn’t need to see him to know he was hurt. “Oh, shit. I’m sorry. For everything.”
Haunting Blue Page 15