by Amy Lane
He kissed her temple. “You will be,” he promised, fighting the burn in his eyes.
“I’m not scared,” she told him, her voice a little sad. “But I know you are. Don’t worry. Nobody has to know.”
Larx laughed humorlessly. “Aaron does,” he said.
“Is that the part that scares you?”
“Yeah.”
LARX WOKE up early, logy from lack of sleep. After trying to nap for an hour, he gave it up and started running early. By the time Aaron came out of his house, Larx had run the loop once and was ready to do it again, just to calm his jitters.
“What’s up?” Aaron started stretching while Larx ran in place, trying to keep warm.
“Uh… you remember the Olson kid?”
Aaron listened while he stretched, and then listened as they ran, and then thought silently as they continued to run. With no playing around, no stopping to kiss behind an outbuilding, none of the usual distractions, they were done about twenty minutes early.
Larx paused, waiting for him to say something. Anything. Tell him they should cool it for a while as Larx tried to flush his career down the toilet one more time. Tell him they should forget it entirely. Tell him he was a stupid asshole for letting history repeat itself.
Tell him—
“Baby, come inside. You’re exhausted. Let me get you breakfast and drive you home, okay?”
“What?” Larx asked, feeling dumb.
“Breakfast. Coffee. You’ve been rambling for the entire run.” Aaron grabbed his hand and the jitters drained out of his body, replaced by a sense of calm he didn’t know he needed.
“I was just… you needed to know,” Larx said, certain this had been his motivation.
“You needed to know,” Aaron said perceptively, pulling Larx through his backyard, past the pool house Larx was desperately jealous of, past an empty dog run, and in through a rather extensive back porch, complete with overhead misters for the sometimes savage heat of the summer.
“I needed to know what? Damn, Deputy, this is a nice place.”
Aaron pulled off his hat as they entered. “Caro’s parents have money,” he said quietly. “They helped with the down payment.”
“And you never asked me over to swim? Seven years, Deputy—I’m depressed.”
Aaron rolled his eyes. “If I’d seen you in a pair of Speedos, my life would have changed. I wasn’t ready for it then.”
Oh. “Are you…?” Larx closed his eyes. “Are you…?”
“Ready for it now?” Aaron turned then, while Larx was right on his heels. They were suddenly face-to-face, and hot and sweaty or not, Larx yearned so badly just to fall into his arms and be held. Just a moment, another grown-up assuring him that he was doing his best, even if he wasn’t doing it right.
“Are you?”
“Yeah. C’mere.”
Oh yeah. Larx melted into his arms, into his wide chest, as they kissed with chilled lips and hot mouths. Larx shivered hard, aware of how cold he’d been since the morning before.
The kiss wasn’t sex so much as it was comfort, and Larx had pulled away and was resting his head on Aaron’s shoulder before he heard the rustle behind them.
“Uh, Dad?”
Larx startled, but Aaron just tightened his arms around Larx’s shoulders. “Kirby, was there something you wanted to know?”
If Larx hadn’t been so close to his heart, to feel it pound against his ear, he never would have guessed how much this scared him.
After about three, four million years, Kirby said, “Yeah. Probably lots. But it can wait. Larx, can I talk to your daughter about this?”
Larx laughed for a moment. “Only if you want to know way more about my life than you ever bargained for.”
Another eternal, thought-provoking silence. “I’ll ask anyway. But don’t worry, Dad. I’ll… I’m not going to go tell the school or anything. Just… you know.”
“I expect the third degree,” Aaron said, finally looking over his shoulder. “And I promise. Every question. As honestly as I can.”
“But right now I need to go get my backpack together. I hear ya.”
Larx straightened up. “I’ll run on—”
“We’ll have coffee and breakfast ready when you’re done. I’ll leave early so Larx can get home and change.”
“Deal.”
Kirby disappeared as promised, and Larx was left with no privacy, no dignity, and no idea what to do next.
“Why’d you do that?” he rasped, voice weak.
“Because now you don’t have Kirby as an excuse to pull away.”
Larx blinked. “That wasn’t why I—”
Aaron turned toward the kitchen, keeping his face averted. “Sure it was. You said it about six times.” He strode to the coffee maker and turned it on, then scooped coffee into a filter from a can by the machine. Larx reached his hand out for the carafe, and Aaron gave it to him without thinking. Larx filled it up, still waiting for him to finish that sentence.
Finally, “What? What did I say?”
Aaron finished filling the machine and set the pot on the warmer. “You said ‘I get it if you want to bail.’”
Larx took a deep breath and let it out. “You just told your kid.”
“Not bailing.”
“You shouldn’t have—”
“Not bailing,” Aaron said, voice hard. “Not bailing. I know what you expected from me, Larx. It’s not what’s happening. Not. Bailing.”
Larx bit his lip and nodded. “Understood. But why? Two weeks—”
“No. Seven years I had to look at you and wonder. Seven years too long. You and me were locked in stone from our first kiss. Just took me until this morning to see it. There’s muffin mix in the cupboard. Can you—”
“They’ll be done by the time you’re done with your shower.” Muffin mix, oil, and an egg. Larx could make it in his sleep.
“Good. I’ll be down in twenty.” Aaron’s mouth was compressed flat, a hard line of anger and hurt, and Larx didn’t know how to fix it—not with Aaron’s boy in his room and school in less than two hours.
“I’m sorry?” Or confused. Sorry worked, though.
“So am I. Sorry you ever thought you had to do this alone.” Aaron started for the landing and the stairs then, but he paused as he passed Larx and pressed a hard kiss on Larx’s mouth, one that left Larx in no confusion at all.
“Oh,” he said stupidly as Aaron pulled back.
“Yeah. That.” And Aaron disappeared up the stairs, leaving Larx to pick up the pieces of his brain and start breakfast.
HE HAD warm muffins and coffee ready by the time Aaron came downstairs dressed in his uniform. There was something very dependable and solid about Aaron in khakis with his department-issue jacket and baseball cap. Something that screamed “I will take care of you!”
Larx wasn’t sure what to do with that. He’d assumed all of that capability would be spent on Aaron’s kids, because that’s where it needed to be. He’d had no idea there could be some left over for Larx. He obviously had to reassess the man, because underestimating him had hurt Aaron badly.
“You look good,” he said with a half smile. “I didn’t used to think uniforms were a thing for me.”
“And now?” Aaron bit his lip shyly, and Larx had the curious sensation of being out in the ocean while a giant wave built in front of him. He could either stay where he was, waiting to be obliterated, or he could swim hard, swim fast, breach the wave’s crest, and ride it in.
His breath came in fits and bursts in his chest and his mind said, I can’t I can’t I can’t….
And then his heart gave a giant throb of You already are.
And just like that, he was beyond the scary part, he was on top of the wave and riding the surf in with an exhilaration he’d never felt, not even bungee jumping, not even skydiving, not even in the middle of sex with that one guy he’d really liked right before he got his credential and started dating Alicia.
“Oh my God,” he whispered,
staring at Aaron and feeling lost and found and hungry, glutting himself on Aaron’s bemused face at the same time he was smacking himself for his bollixed timing.
“What?” Aaron said, walking past him to grab his muffin and the aluminum mug Larx had retrieved from the dish rack and filled with coffee.
“I never knew how this felt,” Larx said, too stunned to keep his inner monologue actually inside. “I mean I thought this was what you felt when you held your baby for the first time.” Because it was suddenly familiar. “But you get a chance with babies. You can win them over. You can be the best dad you can be and hope that does it for them. But you’re fully formed. I don’t know how to make you feel the same way. This is terrifying.”
“Larx?”
“I’ve got to go,” Larx muttered, and then his words filtered down to his brain and he looked at the microwave in the corner of Aaron’s white-tiled kitchen. “I really do. I’m the principal, I need to be there before the kids get there. It’s the rules.”
Larx had never been great with rules, but that one he got.
“Dad, we ready to go? I hung out in my room and texted Christiana—she assures me my world will not end.”
“Yeah, come get a muffin and some coffee,” Aaron said, sounding not so sure. Suddenly he was in Larx’s space, gazing into his eyes, warm fingers on his chin. Larx had always thought Aaron had pretty eyes—blue, like oceans. “Larx, are you okay?”
I just fell in love with you. I’d rather fall off a building. I’m frightened to the pit of my balls.
“Great,” Larx rasped. “Peachy. Splendid.” He smiled with all his teeth. “Kirby, you said you texted Christi?”
“Yeah. She’s weirdly chill about it.”
“She’s had a while to get used to the idea,” Larx admitted. “I came out to them when we moved here. So it’s okay if you’re sort of weirded out.” He looked apologetically at Aaron and took a few steps back. “Feel free to grill me like a cheese sandwich if you need to,” he said, some of his equilibrium returning. This is what he did. He talked to kids. He interpreted the world for them. He made it not so scary or confusing as they grew. He could do this.
“Yeah, well, I told Christi I’d be riding to school with you guys—you’re both taking the same car today, right?”
“Yeah,” Larx said. He took a few more steps away, biting his lip as the gap between him and Aaron grew. “We’re at your service, a crash course in gay/straight association, coming up.”
“Deal,” Kirby said. “I am about to become enlightened.”
Larx smiled at him, and Kirby became a real person in the room. “Well, I promise, it’s just like science. The more open your mind is, the less it’ll hurt.”
Kirby laughed and they made it to the car.
The drive to Larx’s house via the forestry road was tense and quick, and as they pulled up behind the garden alongside the house, Aaron nodded to Kirby. “Go on inside, son. Are we okay for now?”
“Course. Just ’cause you’ve gone gay doesn’t mean you’re not my father.”
He slid out of the car, and Aaron laughed, relief showing on his face clear as frost. Larx had a hold of the door handle and was about to make his move when Aaron stopped him with the touch of his hand.
“What?” he asked.
Larx flickered a look at him. “I’ve got five minutes to shower, shit, and shave, Aaron—I’ve got to run.”
Aaron’s grunt of frustration was so classically male that Larx relented a little. He turned in the seat and kissed Aaron’s cheek. “I’ll be at the school all day,” he said quietly. “From seven thirty to the last ember of the bonfire. Any time I see you then, that’ll be… like sprinkles on ice cream, okay?”
“I’ll show,” Aaron said. A brief smile flickered across his lean lips. “But that doesn’t mean I can’t wait for the smaller one, in your backyard. Especially now that the kids know.”
Oh. Wow. “Like a date,” Larx said. “Like… like, if Kirby isn’t too weird—”
“Sleepover.” Aaron grinned. “Damn. Yes. There’s a perk! I’d almost forgotten.”
Larx started to laugh. “God, we’re getting old. Remember when sex was a priority and not a perk?” He went to leave and Aaron stopped him again, this time with a kiss. Ah… wine before work, never a good idea.
“Larx?” Aaron said throatily.
“Yeah?” He smelled so good. Clean with some aftershave and leather from his jacket.
“Sex with you is a priority.”
Larx smiled and finally got out of the SUV.
HE MANAGED the three S’s in record time, probably because he’d eaten a bran muffin a half an hour earlier, and he was dressed in jeans and a tie and sport coat, driving the kids in the minivan and heading for the school only five minutes later than usual.
“So,” Kirby said as soon as they were on the road, “what are your intentions toward my father?”
“I’m going to kidnap him and brainwipe him until he joins the ranks of the unholy public educators under my sway.”
Kirby guffawed. “Okay, it’s hard to be weird about this when you are obviously the same smartass teacher I’ve had for three years of high school. Seriously.”
Larx took a deep breath and looked apologetically at Christi, who seemed highly amused by the whole thing. “Kirby, has your father dated anyone since your mother passed away? That you know of? Has he introduced anyone to you and your sisters and said, ‘This is someone important in my life’?”
“No,” Kirby said quietly.
“Neither have I, since my divorce.”
Christiana patted his arm like she had as a child when he’d been overwhelmed by being the dad. Olivia had done the same thing.
Kirby sighed behind them. “So I wouldn’t know about this if it wasn’t serious. That’s what you’re saying?”
Larx shrugged. “I have to worry about my job. So does your dad. It shouldn’t be a big deal that way, but it is. So yeah.”
“That’s fucked-up, pardon me saying,” Kirby said after a moment. “I mean, Dad’s probably freaking out enough as it is, but… it should be a family thing. Shouldn’t be a… a job thing.”
Larx half laughed. “You are preaching to the preacher here, sir.” He pulled into the school parking lot, half-aware that he’d been going a little faster than normal because his body was still on rush.
“So, do I start calling you Dad?”
Larx stopped short as he pulled into the parking space, and both kids broke up laughing. “Christ, no,” he snapped. “Even the girls call me Larx.”
He parked and killed the ignition, then turned to Kirby with hope. “Are you going to be okay?” he asked. “This was not how your dad meant to tell you. I was sort of freaking out over something and he….”
“He picked making you happy over keeping me in the dark,” Kirby said perceptively. “That’s… that’s Dad. He dealt with my sisters’ periods the same way.”
“Your dad’s the most straightforward guy I’ve ever met,” Larx said, realizing it was true as he said it. “I… I wouldn’t want to hurt him for anything.”
Kirby grunted. “Okay. I… uh, am still really confused? But mostly I think that’s gonna be in my own head for a while. Is that okay?”
“Course. You ready for today’s test?”
“Augh!” And it was clear he’d forgotten completely about it.
“You guys go study—Christi, here’s my keys. If anyone asks….”
“I stole them from you and you’re tied up in a closet with chloroform,” she said dutifully. District policy was no kids with keys. Larx’s policy was that if he couldn’t give his school keys to his daughter, he wouldn’t give her car keys or his credit card number either.
“That’s my girl.” He closed his eyes and sighed. “So, I’ve got an entire other thing going on this morning. If it spills into class time, I’ll send someone in to proctor the exam.”
“Wow,” Christi said as they got out of the car. “This and the game and th
e bonfire? It’s like you’re paying for stuff you did as a kid.”
He thought carefully. “Yeah. Ouch. That means it might get way worse.”
The kids laughed as they made their way to the classroom, and Larx straightened his tie. Was gonna be a day.
Flame
LARX WAS talking so fast Aaron could barely follow him over the Bluetooth speaker in his vehicle.
“Can you believe that shit?” he raged. “The school shrink says she’s a fucking time bomb, and Heather fucking Perkins says she can cheer the game and participate in the dance and… and oh my God! I was going to cancel the bonfire. I was going to do it, but no, Perkins just sucks up to that girl’s mother and… holy fucking Jesus, Aaron. Isaiah told her he couldn’t take her to the dance over lunch, and both the guys were looking… well, better than they have all week. I don’t know what they have planned, but Julia… she just sat there looking all blue-eyed and innocent, and her mother….”
Aaron shivered with him in sympathy. He’d met Whitney Olson before. Petite, dark-haired, and blue-eyed, she had at first appeared “adorable.” Aaron had been at a sheriff’s department fundraiser the Olsons had sponsored, and as they’d stood in line for canapés, he’d watched her interact with several of the town’s most prominent citizens.
They’d smiled and told jokes and asked after each other’s children.
And to a one, every person who walked up to her and initiated conversation had been afraid.
He’d watched Fred Olson—the owner of the local grocery store and apparently a distant cousin of her husband’s—walk up and say, “Heya, Whitney. You’ll be relieved to know we remedied that little problem with stocking your favorite wine. Cost us a pretty penny, but, you know, for our favorite customer, it’s worth it.”
“Oh?” she’d said, looking “adorable” and surprised. “You went to all that trouble for me? I feel so bad about that. I don’t even shop in your store that often.”