by S. E. Lund
"It's not about what you want," he said, holding me, preventing my escape. "This is about the rules, Katherine."
"That's not fair," I said, afraid of where this was going. "You let the rules fall by the wayside when it suits you, and enforce them when it suits you."
"I'm the Dominant. I'm the Master. It's my prerogative. You should re-read the agreement."
I pushed away from him and finally succeeded in extracting myself from his arms.
"I'll rip the fucking agreement up." I stormed away, tears starting fresh. This was going sour very fast. I was not going to let him spank me again. I stopped inside the door to the bedroom. "Look," I said, trying to get control of my emotions. "I was wrong to hide what happened with Kurt, but as far as I'm concerned, if you spank me, it will be overkill."
Drake came to me, his arms on either side of me, preventing me from moving. "In case you misunderstood, in our power exchange, I'm the one who decides about punishment. Your breaking the rules about lying was not accidental. It was intentional. You have to be punished. I choose the punishment."
He grabbed my arm, then he sat on the bed and pulled me over his lap, one of his legs thrown over mine, confining me completely. I could only wriggle, my arms flailing to try to stop him, but he finally succeeded in controlling me, one hand holding mine.
"You better not spank me," I said, anger filling me.
"You better just take it, Katherine. You agreed that I'd punish you if you broke the rules. Did you break the rules?"
I said nothing, frustrated that he was using the agreement against me. Yes, I had agreed that he could punish me, bare-handed spanking me if I disobeyed deliberately.
"Did you break the rules?"
I stopped fighting, but I said nothing, furious.
"Katherine, I promise you, I've been doing this now for five years. I have more than enough patience to wait for you to reply properly."
"You're very selective about what and when you punish."
"That's my prerogative, as I said and as is spelled out in the agreement. Maybe we better sit down and re-read it. I've been exceptionally lenient with you since we've been together, but there are some things I can't tolerate. Lying is one of the things I will not tolerate." His voice was completely calm. "So once more, did you break the rules?"
I was breathing fast, my body tense. He was going to spank me and there was nothing I could do.
Finally, I gave in.
"Yes."
"Yes, what?"
His voice was so cool, distant. I had the sense this was the way he was with his other subs. Cool. In control. Calm. Firm. He'd never really been that way with me.
Until now.
"Yes, Master."
"Good girl," he said and hiked my nightgown above my ass, baring my cheeks. He ran his hand over them. "So nice and creamy white. It's too bad I'm going to have to make them all red."
"You don't have to do anything. You're choosing to do this."
"Yes, I am, Katherine," he said calmly. "A Dom has to have some standards. I've let mine slip with you because I love you so much, but if I don't enforce this rule, our relationship is doomed. I can't lose trust in you or this will fail." He leaned down and put his lips by my ear. "I don’t want to lose you." He kissed the skin on my bare shoulder. "I can't lose you."
He sat back up. "So, I want you to tell me what you did wrong. Complete openness Katherine. Complete honesty. No more hiding things from me."
I said nothing, filled with anger, and guilt. I still hadn't told him about the video of him with Sunita or about the rest of Maureen's phone call.
I covered my eyes. "I saw a video of you with Sunita."
I felt him stiffen beneath me, the muscles of his thighs tensing. "What?"
"Dawn sent it to me."
Drake breathed in deeply. When he spoke, I could barely hear him his voice was so low. "I told you about our relationship."
"Dawn tried to arrange a meeting between us but I said no.”
His body went rigid. "She what?"
“Then, she sent me the video. And because Maureen had said some things when she called that scared me, I…"
"What did Maureen say?"
I inhaled. This was it. Now it was all out. "She said you were barely under control. That you had a lot of anger bottled up inside. That I should think of that before I went to Africa with you."
"And you thought watching a video of me with Sunita would help clarify how dangerous I am?"
"I'm sorry I didn’t tell you. I didn’t want to upset you. I couldn’t believe Maureen said those things. I was going to tell you, but you weren't feeling well from the shots and then you were sick…"
I could hear his angry breathing. "That's three things, Katherine. Three things you kept from me." Then, he lay his hand over my ass as if he was preparing to strike.
"I don't want this," I said, knowing that it was futile.
"But you want me to be your Master, Katherine, deep down. I've been a bad Master, not controlling you well enough, or this would never have happened. I won't let that happen again. So you see," he said, his voice soft, controlled. "This is really my fault for letting my control slip. Now, I have to punish you even though I'd rather make love to you. I have to take your anger, so that our relationship's re-established. We'll both feel better when it's over."
"Cut the psychobabble and do it," I said, angry that he was so in control.
"It's not psychobabble and you know it. Remember your safe word."
"I won't use it."
"Tell me what your safe word is."
I shook my head. I wasn’t going to play this game tonight. Yes, I was wrong not to tell him right away about Kurt, and Sunita and Maureen. I didn’t tell him because I was afraid… Afraid of his jealousy. Afraid of his anger – he had gotten into a fight with Chris. Afraid of his being hurt when he was so good to Liam.
Now, he was trying to go all Dom on me to somehow make everything better.
"It's red, Katherine."
I kept quiet, lying there, fuming and scared and sad all at the same time. I wanted to cry and hit him and run away.
"Just do it."
He stroked his hand over my buttocks, lingering over the small of my back, then slipping his fingers between my cheeks.
"When I'm ready."
"I hate you."
He stopped his motions.
"Don't say that." He was quiet for a moment and all I heard was his breathing. When he spoke, hurt edged his voice which was barely above a whisper. "Not even in a moment of anger."
I realized how childish I was being. I didn't hate him. I hated being in that position. I hated everything that happened from the time I saw Kurt up until that moment. I said nothing, waiting. He did nothing, his hand still on my ass.
We were at some impasse of will, waiting to see who would crumble first.
Then, as if to assure himself, he spoke, his hand moving softly over my skin once more.
"You don't hate me, Katherine. You love me. Only me. You said so yourself."
I did. Only him, which was why I hated Kurt so much at that moment, because everything was perfect until he came along and screwed things up.
"I couldn’t help it that Kurt was there," I said, my voice breaking. "I didn't want to see him. I didn't want to have to deal with him. It's not my fault."
He leaned down, and tucked my hair behind my ear lobe, his mouth beside my ear, his breath warm on my skin.
"You didn't have to lie about him. You should have told me about seeing Sunita's video. You should have told me Maureen spoke to you about me."
"I didn't lie. I was going to tell you."
"I have no way of knowing if you would have. Now, because you didn't tell me right away, how can I trust you? Three things, Katherine, that you held back. Three important things."
"You have to choose to trust me when I say I was going to tell you. You said that to me once, if I remember correctly."
He said nothing and I said nothing
for a few moments. I was getting tired of this whole scene, trying to give in and get this over with so we could move on but there was a part of me that wanted to fight.
I sighed. "I guess I didn't trust you enough yet to tell you. I guess I was afraid of what you'd do. I was afraid of you."
His hand stopped moving at that.
"Why? Have I ever done anything to make you afraid of me?"
I shook my head. "No. But maybe you didn't do enough to make me trust you completely," I said, trying to be as honest as I could. "Every time I tried to talk, you shut me up. You'd go into Dom mode and we'd have sex and that was it. You've been under so much emotional stress and turmoil, I was afraid this would be one more thing to hurt you and upset you. It meant nothing to me so I didn’t feel it should matter to you, but I was afraid it would and I was right. "
"That's exactly why you should have told me right away. I would have been upset. I would have been very jealous and hurt. But we would have discussed it, you could have reassured me that what happened with Kurt was nothing, and now, instead of me having you over my lap, ready for a spanking, you'd be massaging me like my favorite slave girl and then we'd be making love."
"You don't have to spank me. It's your choice."
"You took away my choice when you didn’t trust me enough to tell me the truth right away. It's because I've been too free with you, letting you get away with too much. Not disciplining you when you broke the rules because I enjoy you too much. Now, I have to reassert myself, reestablish my dominance. I have to punish you, Katherine."
"You don't need to reestablish anything. You don't need D/s to keep me at arm's length. We've been so happy. We don't need an agreement."
"We do. I do," he said, his voice exasperated. "I'm a Dominant, Katherine. I was when you met me. I am now. I need an agreement to keep myself in control. I loosened my control because of you, I opened up and let you in, and this is what happened. Now, I have no choice."
"Did you hear what you said?" I craned my neck to see his face. "You confirmed that you use D/s to keep people out of your life. You let me in. Don't shut me out now. I'm not just one of your subs."
He shook his head and it was as if he wasn't listening or didn't hear me. "I have no choice."
He said it with such finality that I knew he was going to go through with it. I gave in at that point, my body going limp. I didn’t say anything. I waited.
He appeared to sense the fight was all gone from me and started stroking my behind again. Was he trying to decide whether to go through with this? He was touching me so gently, I couldn't imagine he'd hit me to punish me at that point.
It was then I sensed that the fight was all out of him as well. His hand stopped moving and he exhaled heavily. Then, to my complete surprise, he removed his leg from across mine and released me. I scrambled up and stood in front of him, my legs all wobbly from adrenaline.
He got up and went to the chair where his clothes were folded and he dressed. I followed him as he went to the hall closet and took out his coat.
"What are you doing?"
He slipped on his coat and then his boots, not meeting my eyes.
"Drake," I said, panicking. "What are you doing?"
"I don't know what to do any longer," he said, fatigue in his voice. "No matter what I do, it'll be wrong. If I spank you, you'll hate me. If I don't, you'll think I'm weak and despise me. I can't win." With that, he went to the door and opened it. "So, I'm going out."
"Where?"
"I don't know."
He left. I opened the door and followed him to the elevator.
"Don't go," I said, reaching out for him. "Not now. Not like this. We have to figure this out."
He sidestepped me, avoiding my touch. "I don't know what to do," he said, shaking his head, his face really pale. He looked completely defeated. "Don't follow me."
The elevator doors closed and I stood there, mute, in total shock.
I went back inside the apartment and closed the door, leaning against it, completely confused. Everything was now totally fucked up. I had no idea how to make it right again.
I went to the bed and threw myself down across it, dissolving into tears.
CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE
Drake was out all evening. I waited, giving him some time to mull things over before I texted him, but after a couple of hours, I was almost desperate to contact him.
Drake, please, come back. I can't stand this. I admitted I was wrong, and that I should have told you right away. I promise that from now on, I will tell you everything right away and be completely honest with you. I need you. I want only you…
There was no reply for about fifteen minutes, but then a single line:
I'm staying at 8th Avenue for the night.
I shook my head, unable to believe that this had turned into such a disaster of a day. Here, I'd been so happy, looking forward to Drake feeling better and our encounter later after a nap and Dave had to call Drake and tell him about the picture of Kurt and I at the fundraiser. I texted him back, having little hope it would work.
Please don't do this. I can't stand not having you beside me.
His response came in a few moments:
I need time alone to figure this out. Don't come here.
I probably should have given in at that point, but I couldn't hold back:
Drake, there's nothing to figure out. If you stay away now, you'll put a wall up between us. Don't. We might never be able to break it down and we'll become strangers. Please come back home now and let's see this through tonight. I can't imagine not being with you. I can't imagine not being able to reach out and touch you.
He didn't reply after a couple of minutes and so I made a decision. I was going to 8th Avenue if he wasn't coming home. I put my phone in my bag and got dressed as quickly as I could, throwing some jeans on beneath my black nightie and a sweater over top, pulled on my coat and scarf, boots and mitts, and grabbed my bag. I didn't tell him I was coming over because I didn’t want him to up and leave. I just went.
After walking a few blocks, needing the cold air to clear my head, I grabbed a taxi and told the driver the address on 8th Avenue. When I arrived, I stood on the street and glanced up at the top floor of the building. There were no lights on, and so I had no idea if he was even there or if that was a story he was telling me to keep me away.
Regardless, I had a key and so I went into the building and climbed the three flights to the top floor. I stood outside the door and listened, but there was no sound coming from inside.
I slipped the key in the lock and turned it – the chain lock was off, and so I suspected that he wasn't there. I entered, took off my boots and walked through the apartment, but it was empty. He either wasn't there yet or wasn't coming, and gave me that address to throw me off his trail.
I sat in the darkness on the old sagging couch in the cramped living room, surrounded by Liam's boxed possessions, and debated what to do. He could be anywhere. At a bar drinking with Dave, at some former submissive's apartment getting a condolence fuck. I had no idea where he might be. I didn't know him well enough to think of possible locations.
The 8th Avenue apartment held so many good memories for me. We'd met there when we were seeing each other in secret and it was there Drake introduced me to D/s, bondage and his desires. I'd been so happy with him once I stopped judging myself and let our relationship happen.
Now, I'd fucked it up thoroughly.
I went to the sound system and slipped a DVD into the player. It was a mix CD with music from the 60s – Drake's favorite. The Rolling Stones, The Beatles, The Yardbirds – I sat in the darkened apartment and listened to the music, thinking about Drake and his father and my heart ached with regret.
I tried to understand how Drake was feeling. He actually thought I'd fuck Kurt? How could he even imagine I'd do that? I was one of the least promiscuous women I knew of all my friends growing up. I could count my lovers on one hand. I was far too shy about sex to just sleep with
a man, even one I'd already had sex with.
Didn't Drake understand that? How could he begin to think I'd sleep with Kurt? Out of the blue?
I didn’t understand a man's mind if that was the case. I thought Drake was so intelligent and rational. I thought he knew me better than that.
If anyone was going to cheat, it would be him who grew tired of me.
I sat in the darkness and cried to myself, wiping away my tears. Now, I had no idea where Drake was or if he'd left me forever. I heard a blip on my phone indicating a text and grabbed my bag, rifling through the contents to find my phone.
It was my father.
Katie, where are you? Drake called here looking for you. It's not like you to take off and not tell anyone where you are. Are you two having a lover's quarrel? Is everything OK?
I'll tell you the same thing I told Drake – take my advice and make up quickly. Don't sleep apart because of a disagreement – not even one night. Your mother and I did that too many times and now I regret every night I spent away from her. As much as I love Elaine, your mother was the love of my life. I thought we'd grow old together. I had no idea she'd be taken from me so soon.
Text me as soon as you get this. And for God's sake, text Drake because he's very upset.
There was no text from Drake and so I wondered why he'd call my father. He must have gone back to the apartment in Chelsea and found that I wasn't there. He must have panicked, thinking I'd left him.
I texted him, not caring that it was me who was making the first contact between us.
Drake, I came to 8th Avenue looking for you. I'm still here. Come to me. I don’t want to ever be apart from you. Not one night. I love you.
I waited, anxious for his reply. If he'd seemed upset to my father, surely he'd be happy to hear from me. When his text came, I had to read it over several times.