by A. m Madden
Mikey nodded but didn’t say a word. In all the happiness that surrounded us, my son appeared to be in a spotlight of sadness. My heart ached for him and the longer his smile was a frown, the more irritated with myself I became.
My parents pulled Mikey to the side to take a picture with each of them leaving me with Cassie. When she placed her hand on my forearm, I had to fight back the tears that were forming.
“Luca texted me. He feels horrible.”
Knowing how close she was with Luca, I needed to choose my words wisely. “I know he does, but look at my son’s face.”
She nodded. “I knew the exact moment he realized Luca wasn’t coming.”
There weren’t any words that I could add to her statement. Cassie continued to try to placate the situation, but there was nothing she could say that could change the outcome.
“We need to get going. We don’t want to miss the cupcakes.”
With a knowing nod, Cassie gave me a tight smile. “Have fun.” She walked away to visit with some of her other students.
Taking Mikey’s hand in mine, we walked to the gymnasium where refreshments were provided. Thankfully, Jared spotted him and the two went off to enjoy the treats.
Becky walked up to me licking vanilla frosting off her thumb. “I thought Luca was coming?”
“So did I.” Even Becky flinched at my snark. “He had a meeting and couldn’t leave work.”
“That stinks. I bet he’s sad he didn’t see Mikey graduate. That man loves your son.”
She was right. I knew he loved him and wanted to be there, but that didn’t negate my son’s fragile state of mind. “I’m sure he is.”
“I don’t doubt that he’ll come by when he can. Then Mikey can show him his certificate and you can share the pictures you took. It won’t be the same, but I’m sure he’d appreciate it.”
“Beck, did you see Mikey’s face? The kid was devastated. I need to worry about him before I worry about Luca seeing a picture.”
“Yes, I understand. I just meant…”
“I know what you meant… and I appreciate it. But, my head isn’t there right now.”
Her ex-husband walked up to us and placed his hand on her lower back. “I need to get going. I’ll pick him up after work.” He kissed her on her cheek before heading out.
“That was interesting,” I said to her. “He kisses you now?”
She shrugged. “Whatever. He’s still an asshole.”
That was the first time I genuinely smiled all day.
Mikey and I had a nice quiet dinner—the complete opposite of what I had pictured. Each attempt to keep his spirits up had failed. By the time we finished watching, Monsters, Inc., a movie that would normally have my son laughing, Mikey yawned.
“Are you tired, honey?”
He nodded. “Has Luca called you?” I shook my head and led him to his room. Tears welled in his little brown eyes until they spilled down his face. “He lied.” Throwing himself on his bed, I watched his chest heave with a hitch. “Just like daddy promised he wouldn’t go away anymore, Luca broke his promise, too. I’m never going to lie to someone I love. I hate him… I hate them both.”
I laid beside him and pulled him into my arms. “No, you don’t, honey, you’re just disappointed, there’s a big difference. Plus, you shouldn’t hate anyone.” My son’s tears dampened my cotton shirt. “Shh, it’s okay. I’ll always be there for you. That’s a promise you can count on.”
“I love you, Mommy.”
“I love you, more. How about a bedtime story?”
“No. I don’t want one tonight.”
Sadness washed over me when he refused one of his favorite rituals. My hand rubbed his small back in an attempt to soothe him but nothing was working. Knowing my son the way I did, I knew it wasn’t just Luca’s absence. It was the memory of pure devastation coupled with confusion that resurfaced in his mind.
After I kissed his wet cheek goodnight, I cuddled up beside him holding onto him as he cried himself to sleep. I felt this had little to do with Luca, and all to do with old wounds reopening. And as I stared at my son’s face, one that resembled his father’s, I wondered if his little heart would ever mend.
Chapter 27
Luca
On a deep breath, I pressed the white button next to her last name. Several long seconds passed, and her voice still hadn’t come over the intercom, forcing me to press it once more. Finally, a groggy Sabrina asked, “Who is it?”
“It’s me.” It took longer than it should have for the latch on the door to release. Once it did, I didn’t hesitate to walk in carrying the gift I bought for Mikey’s graduation, and one that meant a lot to me.
Normally, she would have been waiting for me in the threshold, but not tonight. I rapped my knuckles on the metal door. Three locks sounded before she appeared. Her eyes didn’t meet mine, nor did she smile.
“Hi.” I pecked her lips as she let me pass. Glancing around the room, I noticed Mikey’s school supplies and folders on her coffee table. When I heard the door click closed, I turned to face her. “Did I wake you?”
“No, I was just lying down.”
Her pretty face was clean of makeup, making the redness around her eyes even more predominant. “Are you okay?”
“Not really,” she responded without hesitation. Sabrina wrapped her arms around her body, accentuating how the oversized T-shirt and sweatpants she wore hung on her frame.
“I’m so sorry I missed it. I really am, Sabrina.” The only response I received was a halfhearted nod. “Can I talk to Mikey? I’d like to explain.”
The woman I’d come to love was expressionless. With every beat of silence that went by, I knew deep down I had my work cut out for me.
“He’s sleeping,” she said with a resigned tone. “He’s had a long day… and night. We both have.”
Setting his gifts on the small table on top of some of his schoolwork, I took a few steps closer and wrapped her in my arms. Limp arms hung at her sides, yet I refused to let go. “I’m so sorry. You have no idea how badly I wanted to be there today. But this client…”
“Don’t,” she whispered, stepping out of my hold. Determination replaced the defeat I saw in her when I walked in. “It’s done. I understand the obligations that go hand in hand with your job, but Mikey doesn’t. This morning, he couldn’t contain his excitement. It was as if he was hopped up on sugar.” I smiled knowing exactly what that meant.
“After meeting you, I started to feel desired. It was something so foreign, yet wonderful. I went from being a military wife, to a mother, to a widow, and somewhere along the line I lost myself. I had all of titles, which I was proud of, but something was missing. Over the past few months, I’ve come to realize that something was you.”
Taking her trembling hands in mine, I asked, “You’re worthy of those feelings and so much more. Knowing I am responsible for that makes me happy. I’m failing to see how that’s a bad thing?”
“Because dating wasn’t on my radar, it wasn’t even a blip on the screen. This all happened too fast and maybe it shouldn’t have.”
“Are you saying you regret our relationship?”
“I regret bringing a man into his life too soon after he lost his father.”
There was no way I could hide my disbelief. I felt like she was a different person than the woman I came to know, to love. I had always felt she compared me to a ghost without intending to, but hearing her now only solidified my suspicions.
“You keep comparing me to Dillon. I can’t compete with a ghost. I know even if he didn’t die, you wouldn’t be together because of the other woman. From what I know of your late husband, I’m nothing like him. I’d never hurt you the way he did or take our relationship for granted. I thank God every day for bringing you and Mikey into my life. Do you really think that little of me?”
“I don’t think little of you, Luca. You are a wonderful man. I also thank God for bringing you into our lives, and I couldn’t have asked for a
more genuine, kind, caring person to have spent the past few months with.”
“So then why push me away? Is this really about Mikey, Sabrina?”
“It’s all about Mikey. I was swept away with my own happiness that I didn’t stop to think what would happen if my son grew attached so quickly. Here’s the thing, if we started dating conventionally, and not because of a soccer ball my son kicked at your head, I wouldn’t have even introduced you two yet.
“Do you know how he fell asleep tonight?” I remained silent to allow her to admit what was on her mind. “He cried to the point where his body trembled, something he hadn’t done in months. In his young impressionable mind, he can’t distinguish the difference between why his dad left and why you were absent.
“Do you know during the entire ceremony today, he kept looking at the door waiting for you to walk through it? That damn empty chair next to me was his sole focus. It was a constant reminder that you weren’t coming. That his mother let him down.”
“You didn’t. I did.”
“No, I did. The day I started a relationship with you knowing full well that we weren’t just a couple, we were a threesome. I set him up for disappointment.” I stared dumbfounded into her misty eyes.
“Sabrina… if I could just talk to him and explain.”
“I think that would make it worse.” She let out a long breath. “I’m not blaming you, Luca. This is all my fault. I brought a man into my son’s life when he was still grieving the loss of his father. I should have known better than to allow you to promise him anything. You can’t do that to a child. You’re not a parent, so I don’t expect you to understand.”
I could feel my ribcage begin to close around my heart. No, I wasn’t his parent, but I loved him as if he were my own. All I wanted was to protect that boy, love him, be the male influence he needed.
Before I could argue, she captured her resolve, straightened her spine, and said, “This can’t go on.”
“What can’t?”
She pulled her hands from mine. “You’re a wonderful man, Luca. If Mikey was older or my situation were different, we wouldn’t be having this conversation right now. The fact is, we were dealt a shitty hand, and because of it I need to make sure my son is always my first priority.” She shook her head from side to side. “I should have listened to my gut.”
“What was your gut telling you?”
“It was too soon.” She wiped the tears that fell with her fingertips.
I took a step toward her. The need to comfort her overwhelmed me. But when she took a step back, I knew everything between us had changed.
“I think you should go.”
“Sabrina, please don’t do this. Let’s sit, talk this out. What happened today couldn’t be helped. I can come back in the morning when he’s awake and explain everything to him. He might not understand at first, but at least let me try. I love that little boy more than you’ll ever know, and the last thing I’d want to do is hurt him, or you.”
She took a few steps away and picked up a crinkled crayoned drawing. “See this?” I stared at the artwork of a man, woman and boy, with green scribbles beneath their sneakered feet and a soccer ball between them. At the top it said, My Family. “He was so excited to give this to you today. When we got home, I couldn’t find it in his book bag. You know why?” I shook my head. “Because he threw it away. So, now you see why coming back tomorrow isn’t a good idea. Witnessing the hurt my son felt today, reversing all the progress he made after his father’s death, broke my heart.”
“What are you saying, Sabrina? I need to hear the words. Don’t force me to guess.” I silently prayed to God that my instincts were wrong… that this wasn’t the end of us.
“I’m sorry, but I don’t think we should continue to see each other.” Her voice quivered as she confirmed my suspicion. “I need to end it.”
The skin on my face prickled. “I don’t believe you. This can’t end, Sabrina. We’re just getting started. There’s so much ahead of us… so much I want to share with you. I’m begging you to please reconsider. You deserve to be happy, and by being with me I thought you were.”
“My happiness isn’t what’s important—Mikey’s is.” When my jaw went slack she added, “I know he’s happy when he’s with you. But, he’s just too young to understand when life gets in the way and stops someone from being there. It took a lot for him to move on after his father’s death, but in one day I saw the child that he was a year ago resurface… withdrawn, sulking, crying, angry, blaming himself. It’s not right, Luca. He’s five years old. He should be unaware of life’s cruelties; but he isn’t unaware, and that’s his sad reality.”
“I get it. I understand where you’re coming from, but we fit. The three of us fit perfectly, and to ignore that would be a shame. In a year, he may not remember this. We can help him move on, create new happy memories to replace the bad ones.” I took her hand and led her to the couch, forcing her to sit beside me. “Are you scared to move on? Is this what this is about?”
“Of course I’m scared,” she responded defensively. A heavy sigh filled the pause before she added, “You asked me not to compare you to a ghost, and that was a fair request. But, Mikey is doing just that. He compared you to Dillon, and said just like his dad promised that he wouldn’t go away anymore, you broke your promise as well.” She lifted her eyes, crushing me with the sadness in them. “Luca, he said he hated you both.” Tears spilled, the sight of them adding to my torment, and combined with her words they sliced me open.
“And I hate myself for disappointing him.” Bottom line, I hurt her son. Like a mama bear protecting her cub, I could see Sabrina wouldn’t back down. Remembering my own mother and the ends of the earth she’d go to just to protect her kids, how could I not understand Sabrina was doing the same?
“I feel like we’re getting nowhere. You said you understood. Please stop fighting me on this, Luca, and respect my wishes.”
Whatever was left of our connection snapped with her last comment. It was evident her mind was set and nothing I could do or say would change it. I could feel the pressure building within me… and there wasn’t a damn thing I could do about it.
Sabrina
It destroyed me to see him so broken, but a flash of Mikey’s face as I held him in my arms earlier overruled Luca’s pain… and mine.
“Can I say goodbye to him? I know he’s sleeping, but please allow me that.”
After a short pause I agreed. “Okay, but please don’t wake him.”
I watched Luca disappear into Mikey’s room. Not being able to stop myself, I inched my way closer to the open door. Luca was squatting next to Mikey’s bed with his elbows resting on his knees.
“Hey, buddy.” His soft voice echoed in the quiet room. When it hitched, he brought his hand up to his cheek in a swiping motion. “I’m really sorry you were sad today. I’m so proud that I got to know you.” He paused and his back heaved. My first inclination was to comfort him, but I remained still.
“Do you know how happy you’ve made me? How much I loved watching you play soccer and being able to help you?” He quietly cleared his throat. “I know gifts aren’t important, but I brought you a couple. One is very special to me and there isn’t anyone else I’d rather give it to. I hope you like it and that it reminds you of our time together.”
Luca sniffed causing more tears to stream down my face. “This is really hard. I have so much I want to tell you, but it can’t all be done in a few minutes. If there’s one thing I need you to know, it’s that I’ll always be here for you, Mikey. It doesn’t matter how much time passes, you’ll be on my mind as you grow into a teenager, and then an adult. More importantly, you’ll be in my heart.”
With a gentle touch, he swiped Mikey’s bangs to the side, leaned toward him and kissed his forehead. “I love you, Mikey. You’ve become one of the most important people in my life. Because of you, I met your beautiful mom and I’ll forever be grateful. She’s very special to me, as are you, and I
hope when you think of me you’ll smile. Take care of your mom, she loves you very much.”
When Luca stood, he remained standing over Mikey, watching him sleeping peacefully for a few long moments. Not wanting him to see me, I turned and walked back into my living room.
Pained bloodshot eyes looked at me as Luca took a few lethargic steps into the room. I’d never seen such devastation on his face before. I couldn’t stop more tears from falling. When he reached toward me, I allowed him to wipe my cheeks with the pads of his thumbs.
“I’m so very sorry, but I understand.” He brought his lips to mine and I allowed him to give me one last kiss.
“I’ll be sure he gets your presents.”
His eyes followed mine to the wrapped boxes sitting next to the crinkled artwork. “Can I have that, please?”
Wordlessly, I lifted the drawing and handed it to him. Luca stared at it before I noticed a spot on the paper dampen with a tear. “I’m sorry, Luca. I know you love my son and how hard this is for you. It’s not my intention to hurt you by keeping you from him.”
“That’s not all of it.” He walked up to me and cupped my face with a gentle touch. “This isn’t just about Mikey… don’t you understand?”
“I know it’s not. We had a great time, and I’ll miss that.”
“It was more than just a great time. I fell in love with you. I love you, Sabrina.” Before I could process what he said, he walked toward the door.
“Daddy!” Mikey’s loud squeal caused both of our heads to snap toward his room. Luca lunged forward.
His hard chest hit the palm of my hand. “You need to leave.”
“Sabrina…”
“Mommy!”
“Go, Luca.” Panic caused him to stop in his tracks. I had to ignore the tears that sprung in his eyes, the fear and worry clearly etched in the lines of his face. My son needed me, and nothing else mattered at that moment.
As I walked into my son’s room, the sound of my door clicking closed echoed in my apartment like an atomic bomb had just detonated.