by Jayne Blue
I moved slowly at first, afraid to hurt him. His hands settled on my hips as they rocked forward and back. He was increasing the pace and I had to hold on to keep up.
I knew, in the back of my mind, that there were things I had to deal with.
I knew there were huge, scary parts of his life that were hidden from me.
But I also knew that we were supposed to be together.
How could there be any other man or any other path that didn’t have Maddox on it. With me?
19
Maddox
Holding Tracy in my arms was right. Even if every other damn thing I’d done that day was wrong.
The bubble held, we were together that day, that night, and the next.
She took care of Sarge when she wasn’t trying to take care of me. I didn’t need her to nurse me, but I did think she was healing me. Not my arm, but me.
I pulled down the pictures of Hawks that I’d had on my wall. Now that Jonesy C was gone, I could hate them as a whole, not one fucking Hawk at a time.
Sarge and I were rarely far enough from Tracy to talk about what went down but I had Fitzie take her into town one afternoon.
The heat from The Hawks, when they realized what had happened, was the worry that kept me up at night and had me holding as tight as I could to Tracy.
I sat down in the chair next to Sarge’s favorite recliner.
“What did they say at Church?” Sarge asked me.
“I haven’t been.”
“Still? You know they saved our asses the other day. Bear doesn’t let Dugger clean up just any mess. And Fitzie came through too.”
“Yeah, well maybe I’m not ready to be social.”
“Look, son, I know you don’t want my advice.”
“Got that right.”
“But I’m going to give it to you.”
“Look, if it wasn’t for the club, Olivia wouldn’t be where she is. That’s all I really need to know. And maybe staying away from the club will keep Tracy safe.”
“So, you hate the MC now?”
Sarge looked hurt, like he was asking if I hated him.
“No. I don’t. I love my brothers. I know they had my back. I just see how it is. How it can be for the people near us.”
“You know I loved your mother more than anything in the world?”
“Yeah, yeah I guess.”
“You also know she never begrudged me the club. She never tried to stop me from Church or doing the things like we both had to do to that Hawk.”
“Mom’s gone.”
“Yeah, and it wasn’t the club, it was cancer. You can’t protect the people you love from the world.”
“Pretty deep shit there, Sarge.” I didn’t want to hear what he was selling. I wanted to put Tracy in a bubble. I wanted to put Olivia there too.
“Does Tracy know about what happened?”
“No. I don’t want her to, I’m afraid she’d fucking run for the hills.”
“I think it’s the opposite. I think you’re afraid she’s going to stay. I told your Mom everything.
“Everything? That’s bullshit.”
“Well, enough. Enough to be sure that it was her decision to live this life with me.”
“You think I should tell her what happened? Implicate you for murder?”
“Say what you think. But I think Tracy is the one for you. I think without her, your life is going to be tragic. I don’t want that for you. You deserve what I had with Mom.”
“I’m not you.”
“No, no you’re not.”
I left Sarge there and decided to ride.
I wanted Tracy to stay, I wanted her to go, I wanted to share my life with her. I was a mess of conflicting emotions.
I hated what Sarge had said to me because it was true. What he’d put in place with The Saints was a family. It was family of blood and violence some days, but it was a family that would shed that blood for you no matter what.
If I was going to be a Saint, I needed her to understand.
I didn’t want to do this life without her. But I didn’t want to deceive her.
I spent a good two hours on the bike and wound up at Kade’s place. He’d been making a go of it with a woman he loved. So we Benz, Axle – even Chase, I heard.
I knew they loved their old ladies. But they hadn’t lost a young vibrant innocent sister to this life.
Kade greeted me, “Hey brother, good to see you.”
“Thanks.”
“To what do I owe the honor?”
“You know Harlow’s friend, Tracy?”
“Sweet young thing, yes. I used to call her Snow White. That’s what she looks like to me.”
“Me too. I – well. I love her.”
Kade smiled at me.
“Don’t, just don’t. I can’t stand sharing feelings.”
Kade laughed and shook his head.
“Okay, so what’s the deal? Need me to help you find a ring? Pick out china patterns? I’m game.”
“No, I need to know how, with our lives, can you justify being with a woman?”
“Oh, well shit. There’s no way to. I mean Harlow and I almost didn’t make it. She was in harm’s way because of us, the club, and yet somehow she saw past all that shit.”
“But you, what would you do if something happened?”
“Fuck, man. Do we have to talk about this?”
“I’m struggling.”
Kade put a hand on my shoulder and took in a deep breath.
“Here’s the God’s honest. It wasn’t my decision. I can’t live without Harlow. I tried to keep her away, and, for whatever reason, she says she doesn’t want to live without me. It wasn’t me deciding the life. It was her.”
“Shit.”
“What?”
“You sound just like Sarge.”
“See, I’m wise beyond my years.”
“Ugh.”
“You gotta be honest as you can with her. She has to have her eyes wide open. Then you move on to whatever is next. And you come back to the club, so we can keep all eyes on her too. You get me?”
“Thanks, brother.”
“You’re welcome. See you at Church?”
Kade sounded exactly like Sarge.
“One step at a time.”
“Alright, alright.”
Talking to Kade was good. My way forward was as clear as it could be, even if it wasn’t easy.
I rode back in a different state than when I’d left.
Tracy was sitting with Sarge when I got back. She took such good care of him. Even though the man had gone through some major shit a few days ago, he was rallying. The man that was the Prez of the MC was still there.
I let her have her time with him. I knew it was good for him, and who knew what would happen after we talked. After I laid it out.
Sometime later, Tracy brought a tray from Sarge’s room and I followed her into the kitchen.
“So, you’re ready to talk to me?” she said as she loaded dishes into the dishwasher. I watched her again. She was a lot like Josie: tiny, but fierce. She’d stood up to Sarge and me when I for sure made it as hard as possible. I wanted to grab her and hold her.
And I wanted to lie. I wanted to tell her I wasn’t in the MC. That we were out of that life. But I wasn’t. Sarge was the founder, I was the treasurer, and I was also a man who was going to have to defend the club from a lot of what I had caused because of old wars and new vendettas.
“How’d you know I was ready to talk?”
“I’d like to say I can sense these things but that’s bull. Sarge told me to ask. What happened to your shoulder? Why were you stabbed? What’s the club really into?”
“Sarge and I killed the man who shot Olivia.”
She blinked at that but didn’t run. Hell, she didn’t even move.
“Why did he shoot Olivia?”
“Aiming at me I guess. I’d helped another member against The Hawks. That’s the best I can figure. But we’re headed to a full-on war wit
h The Hawks. That’s what you need to know. Not today, not tomorrow, but it’s coming.”
“How can you calmly just tell me you and Sarge killed someone?”
“I’m calm because he was a scum, an abuser, a criminal, and he did that to Olivia. If I could kill him again, I would.”
I saw her take a step back.
“Is that what The Dark Saints is about? Killing? Vengeance?”
Her voice was shaking, and I began to see that she would leave me. Now, today, in this moment, my heart was about to be ripped into a million pieces. She’d never be able to live the kind of life I was telling her about. She’d never be able to love a man like me.
I was losing her with every admission. With each truth, she was seeing me clearly.
“The Dark Saints are keeping Port Azreal safe. We’re about brotherhood, and we’re even about family. But we do this our way. We had to, that’s our history. That’s how it’s worked here for a long time.”
“You’re a murderer.”
She turned the truth back at me.
“I am. I need you to know who we are, who The Saints are, and I need you to know that I love you.” I took a step forward and she took a step back.
“Why can’t you quit?”
“It’s who I am. And it’s my blood. I tried to deny it but it isn’t going to keep the MC from being a part of everything I do.”
Tracy’s eyes were filled with tears. A part of me had an illusion about how this was going to go, that she’d say it was okay. That she was okay.
But that was a small part of me. I knew she’d need to separate from me. And I also knew that was the safest thing for her.
I’d accepted that her hating me was the best thing for her. Hell, it was good for me. Knowing she was outside of this life gave my conscience some rest.
While it was fine for a lot of the old ladies, Tracy knew Olivia now. She knew what it meant to be an innocent in the line of fire.
She put a hand up and shook her head.
I stopped trying to touch her. She walked out of the kitchen and left me there.
I knew I had lost her.
I was glad she left because at the same time the part of my heart that she’d opened broke off and went out the door with her.
It was time to go back to The Dark Saints.
A war was coming. A war I’d done my share to start.
At least now I’d done what I could to be sure Tracy wasn’t collateral damage.
20
Tracy
I had wanted answers. I had wanted more from Maddox and I got it. But then again, maybe I knew too much. I’d come here to make it possible to marry Ted and yet in a short space of time I’d changed course so completely from Ted to Maddox.
I walked out to the beach and looked out over the water. I’d been attacked, twice, I’d navigated a strange family dynamic, and I’d figured out how to do a good job here.
And I loved Maddox too. I knew that. I knew that as sure as I knew what I’d felt for Ted wasn’t that at all.
I picked up my phone and called Harlow.
I needed some advice from someone who’d been where I was.
“Hey, kid. I thought you might call me. I’m glad you did.”
Harlow had been my boss that had turned into a friend. She seemed so happy with Kade and now that I knew more about The Dark Saints, I knew she must have made compromises.
Could I do the same? Were there reasons to murder? The answer forming in my brain made me worry whether I was an evil person or a good person.
“So how do you do it? That’s what I need to know.”
“Do what?”
“Justify what they do, what The Dark Saints stand for.”
“Honey, they stand for keeping us safe. They stand for honor among each other. It’s not a bad thing.”
“But they break the law. Violence is a part of their lives. How do you justify staying with someone like that?”
“All I know is that Kade is the most honorable man I’ve ever known. And he has taken a bullet for me. That’s who he is. That’s who Maddox is, too.”
“I know things now that I can’t ignore. Maddox told me something that makes me wonder if I am making a deal with the devil by loving him.”
“I’m not going to say I’m not scared. I’m not going to say it has been easy. But I know in my soul I would wither away and my life would be less than I want if Kade and I weren’t together. And I’ve seen what The Hawks are. They have to be stopped.” There was something in her voice that made me understand that she’d seen more of The Hawks than I had. Harlow had been through something and The Hawks were the reason.
“Thank you for talking to me about this. I know what my heart wants but my head is not so sure.”
“Things get really clear when you realize there’s no guarantee with any relationship.”
“I love Maddox and I want to be with him.”
“Well, if it helps you decide, Maddox saved my life. He’s a good man and he deserves a woman like you. And you deserve him too. I’ve seen his heart.” I trusted Harlow completely and her perspective helped lead me to where I really wanted to be.
“You give me hope that I can find my place with him and the club.”
“Anytime, kiddo. And you’ve met them: they like puppies just like normal humans!”
I laughed. At that moment Bella trotted up to me. Harlow had helped so much.
I looked back up to the house. I’d heard Maddox’s bike leave during my phone call. That was good. I needed a little more time alone. When Maddox was close enough to touch I couldn’t think straight. He overwhelmed me.
Maddox had killed Jonesy C, the same man who wanted to terrorize me, the man who he said shot Olivia. I thought of Olivia. Her beautiful face was getting thinner every day, the further she got from living a life, the more she seemed to look otherworldly. There was so much she could have done in her life. She’d had so much in front of her.
Jonesy C did deserve what he got. That was the deep dark admission I had to make to myself. He deserved to die for what he did to Olivia.
I knew what I wanted to do.
I was going to stay. I was going to tell Maddox what I needed from him. How I wanted to live my life. One of them was being a nurse. I could see that Josie was a vital, vibrant, and totally fulfilled woman. I wanted that for myself and I was going to get it.
Things started to fall into place for me. I walked back up to The Castle.
I did my standard rounds. I checked in on Sarge first.
“Hey, you want dinner in a bit?”
Sarge was napping in his chair. He did that before dinner. He looked damn good for what he’d been through in the last few days too.
“Nothing fancy, but that would be nice.”
“Will do.”
I went into Olivia’s room. Her nurse nodded to me.
I sat next to Olivia and picked up the second binder. I’d only really gotten through the first one. If was going to stay here, I’d keep doing some of the things Olivia would have. It would be my gift to her legacy.
Olivia was so serene, ever sleeping, frozen in time. Only her notes, clippings, and the framed pictures let me know who she really was. The echoes of her life still impacted everyone in this house.
I opened the new binder.
And there was another letter in that creepy writing. On that same thick mint green stationery.
It was more cogent. The handwriting was a little less shaky. I was hopeful for Olivia that this was a resolution to whatever had happened to her.
I am sorry. Please don’t tell your brother what you said. I just want to be with you. To be a Saint. The doctors adjusted my medication and things are better. You will be better with me. Please don’t threaten me like you did. I am only trying to be your boyfriend. I know I we are meant to be together. Forever and ever. I just need you to stop talking about the bad stuff. I need you to stop saying no to me and we can be happy.
This one was signed.
&
nbsp; I nearly screamed when I saw by who.
Fitzie.
I wondered what he’d done to her. I knew now Fitzie had been the one stalking her and it looked like she was about ready to tell Maddox.
I needed to tell Maddox about Fitzie. Fast.
I had two completely frightening letters. There were probably more, but this was more than enough to show Maddox, so he could figure out what to do. Maybe get Fitzie help?
I put the binder back where I found it but kept the letters from Fitzie.
I looked down at Olivia. I was so sad that she’d had to deal with whatever had happened.
I started to put together the last few days, before Olivia had been shot. It wasn’t a Devil’s Hawk threatening but instead it was a Saint, or almost a Saint. Maddox called Fitzie a probie.
Fitzie was doing everything possible to be a Dark Saint. He still was.
I’m sure Olivia was terrified. It made me sad to think what she might have been going through.
Letters in hand, I headed back to the kitchen. I needed to finish what Olivia had started. Maddox needed to know Fitzie was unbalanced and that he was crazy over Olivia.
The door to the kitchen opened. Thank God, Maddox was here. I turned around.
It was Fitzie.
He looked from me to the letters I had in my hand. The thick mint green stationery was unique, and hard to miss.
Before I could process a way to handle the situation Fitzie had his hand around my mouth.
He grabbed my arm.
I was surprised how strong he was.
I couldn’t scream. And then the lights went out.
21
Maddox
She was gone. I felt it the moment I got back.
I didn’t have to look in her room or search the house for her.
Tracy had done the smart thing. She’d ended it. There was no fight, no drama; it was over. I felt it more than saw it.
The house was dark. The life that she’d brought was gone. I made my way to Sarge. He was asleep.
I walked into Olivia’s room and sat with her.
This house was going to return to the way it had been before Tracy came. And we deserved it to.