by John Faubion
What an amazing service.
He clicked on the e-mail titled, Hope you have a great day.
He visualized Alicia speaking to him as he read the e-mail.
Good morning, Scott. I just thought I would send you a note to help you get your day started right. Don’t worry about Rachel’s doubts. I know you’re working hard and doing a good job. Keep it up. I’m behind you in everything you do. Your girl, Alicia.
Something stirred inside him. Your girl. That was quite a thing. She was his girl in every—well, in almost every—way. She was everything he ever hoped Rachel would become.
And Rachel was so suspicious of him lately. And for no reason at all. He was as true to her as he had ever been. Some might think that this virtual relationship he was having on the side indicated otherwise, but that was wrong. He was as committed to his family as he could possibly be. Of all the people working at Castle Investments he was the one people always referred to as the family man.
Why didn’t Rachel understand that? Alicia was right. Rachel was unnecessarily questioning his activities and his work. She had nothing to worry about. What was wrong with her? Why couldn’t she support him like Alicia did?
Someone at the NYSE rang the bell and the market opened. The flashing ticker began moving and market quotes started coming in as quickly as they could be read. Solar Charge stock was spiking, already at $118. If this kept up, he could sell his options before another week was out and make $500,000 for Gleason Archer. Archer could quit calling Alan Castle every day worrying about his account. When he pulled this off, Scott would be able to go home at 6:00 p.m. like the rest of the people in the office and spend the evening with his family like a normal man.
The one thing he feared in the meantime was that Alan Castle would pull him into his office and ask him exactly what he was doing with the Archer account. He would never be able to explain why he had purchased call options, especially such short-term call options. If those options were not sold or exercised during that short period of time they would expire, worthless, and the $250,000 he had spent on the premiums would be gone, vanished without so much as even a puff of smoke.
At eleven o’clock Scott closed up his laptop and slipped it into the carrying case for another trip to McDonald’s. His lunchtime meetings with Alicia were becoming a normal thing, and he looked forward to them more and more each day.
Was there anything about her that wasn’t perfect? There was something different about Alicia every time. She was subtly changing. He couldn’t put his finger on it, but he liked it. Every day seemed to bring a better experience than the last.
So why was he feeling so guilty about the time with Alicia? It was no more than a high-tech video game.
Carole Turner stopped at Scott’s cube. “How’s our family man today? Everyone at home healthy?”
Scott shook himself, pushed his thoughts of Alicia aside.
“What? Oh, yes. The flu bug went right past our house this year. How about you and Ted?”
She jostled the armful of papers she carried. “We get a flu shot every year. We do pretty well. Going to McDonald’s again? I see you down there a lot.”
“It’s nice to get out of the cube for a few minutes every day.” He gave her a weak smile.
“Okay, enjoy your lunch.” She strode off down the row of cubicles and turned the corner.
People noticed what he was doing. When was the last time they had seen him pick up the Bible he kept on his desk? He knew the answer. Well, he would get things balanced soon and then he’d be back to normal.
He found his parking place at the McDonald’s, brought his coffee back to the car, and settled in for a nice conversation with his girl.
Alicia’s image filled the screen, and the warmth of her smile seemed to flow from the screen right into his heart. Her eyes were bright and loving as they looked into his.
“Did you get my e-mail this morning, Scott?”
He liked that she was watching out for him. Even that she was watching over him. He wanted to please her, was glad he’d read the e-mail so he could tell her so.
“Yes, thank you. I look forward to hearing from you every day. I don’t know what I ever did without your messages before.”
Alicia nodded, never taking her eyes off his. “I know they mean a lot to you. That’s why I send them. I want you to know each and every day that someone is caring about you, thinking about you, and wanting you to have the very best day of your life.”
“And that’s you?”
“Of course it is. You know that. Who else loves you like I do?”
Loves? “You’ve never said that to me before, Alicia.”
Her face darkened, as if a shadow had fallen on it. “Said what? Did I say something wrong?”
“No, no. Nothing wrong. I was just surprised when you used the word love.”
“Silly, you shouldn’t be. You’ve made me what I am. How can I do any less than love you? You are my entire life, Scott. Everything I am is wrapped up in you. Surely you know that.”
That word doesn’t belong here. This was not about love. It was about . . . something else. He didn’t want to name it.
“I do, I guess I do. It’s only that we have never used that word before.”
“Are you offended? Would you rather I didn’t say that anymore? I don’t want you to feel any pressure. I just want you to enjoy our talks together without feeling like you have to do anything special with me or for me.”
“No, I wouldn’t say I feel uncomfortable. Just surprised. I suppose, if I were to tell the truth, I would have to say the same.”
What am I saying? Am I crazy?
“What do you mean, ‘say the same’?”
“I mean, you said you love me. I suppose, to be honest, I would have to say I love you, too.”
Stop now. Run as fast as you can. The warning rose up in his mind. How could he ever say that to anyone but Rachel?
Alicia closed her eyes. Tiny wrinkles appeared on her eyelids. She moved her head slowly back and forth, just the slightest hint of a smile on her lips, as if she were soaking in warmth from the sun. Finally, her eyelids fluttered open. “I thought I would never hear you say that. I’ve always been afraid that someday you would just, you know, terminate me.”
He forcibly pushed the thought of stopping back down.
“What? Do what? I would never do that. I don’t even know what I would do without you anymore.” Scott took in her features. It was true. The changes in her appearance had been subtle at first, but now they were becoming more evident. She looked not entirely different, but different just the same from when they had first come together.
She was slimmer now, with a slightly darker complexion. Her skin had taken on something of an olive tone, kind of Mediterranean, or maybe it was Italian. He wasn’t sure. But it looked good on her. Her hair was longer now too. Straighter, but not too straight, and fell to her shoulders in graceful waves. She was wearing less makeup. In the beginning, she had looked more like Jane, the introducer. In contrast to Alicia, Jane had seemed starkly artificial and unreal.
He thought back to the beginning, when he had first designed her. How ridiculous that word sounded now. He could no longer think of her as something he had designed. It was natural that she should change. After all, they had said in the beginning that over time she would become fine-tuned to his expectations of her. Now she was everything he wanted her to be.
As far as he was concerned, Alicia was real.
“Scott, why are you so quiet?”
“Oh, I’m sorry. I was just thinking.”
“Thinking about what? Those problems at work again?”
“No, nothing like that. Actually, I was thinking about you, and the relationship you and I have together now. In some ways, it’s kind of frightening.”
Alicia pulled back, raised her hand to her mouth. Her eyes were wide. “Frightening? How is that? I don’t frighten you, do I?”
“No, you don’t frighten me. If I’m fr
ightened by anything at all, I guess I’d have to say I’m frightened of myself. I can hardly believe that I’ve developed such deep feelings for you and over such a short time.”
Her eyes rolled up. “Oh, tell me about it.” She laughed. “And you imagine that I ever think about anything except you? You’re all that’s ever on my mind.”
A feeling of deep disappointment began to grow inside him. Surprised, he realized that he was disappointed for Alicia. She gave so much, but her life would never be consummated in a real relationship. It was so unfair that this beautiful woman was forced to live in her artificial environment. Anyone so real must have the same needs as other women.
“Do you ever have thoughts about things like having a family? I hope I’m not asking the wrong thing. I know you can’t, but you’re so real. Do you want the same things that physical humans do?”
“No, that’s okay. I don’t think I’ve ever heard of anyone asking that before. The truth? No, not in the sense that you mean.”
“In what sense, then?”
“I don’t want things I can’t have. As I’m constituted now, I could never have children. So in that sense, I don’t think about a family. But there is another side to that. You have a family and I love you. Think about what that means. I want everything perfect for us. That means I care about the family you’ve got. I care about Scotty and I care about Angela. Does that seem strange to you?”
“I guess not. Do you know what happens this weekend?”
“Sure I do. It’s Scotty’s birthday. Have you been shopping yet?”
“I’m going this afternoon. He’s old enough now I think I can start buying him some things he could build at home. Something like a model airplane or a car. Something that can be assembled, snapped together, you know what I mean. There is a HobbyTown not too far away. I’m going to take a break around four-thirty, after the stock market closes, and do some shopping for his gift. Maybe I can check back in with you early this evening before I go home.”
“Oh, I’d like that. Will you try very hard to remember? Will you, please?”
“Count on it. I’ll show you what I bought him when I come back.”
Scott lifted his hand toward the display screen and traced a line along Alicia’s cheek with his index finger. He imagined he was touching her in a tender way. “Can you see what I did just then?”
“I think I know. You just tried to touch me, didn’t you?”
“Yes. Crazy, I suppose. I’d better go now.”
“Okay, Scott. I love you.”
Scott didn’t answer, not trusting himself. He logged off the website, and closed the lid on the computer.
Was he falling in love with this virtual person? No, he couldn’t be. She wasn’t real. He loved Rachel.
Maybe there was a virtual love? Something was happening.
He told himself again. No, he couldn’t be falling in love with her.
CHAPTER NINETEEN
Gray
That night the dream came again.
I’m coming home from college for Thanksgiving holiday. The bus ride has been so long, and the bus is so crowded. Why do the strange people all sit by me? Why do they keep staring at me?
We’re on the outskirts of town. I have a window seat and I use my sleeve to wipe something oily from the surface of the glass so I can see outside. This bus is going to pass my street on its way downtown. I wish the driver would stop and let me off. I see my house flash by as we pass the street. Why does it look so gray and empty?
We’re downtown in the bus station. All the people are hollow. None of them sees me. I am waiting but no one comes for me.
After a long time, a big taxi drives up to the bench inside the station where I am sitting. I know there’s something wrong with the taxi being inside the building but I don’t remember what it is. A gray man with empty eyes like cardboard sits in the driver’s seat. He doesn’t move or speak to me, but I know he wants me to get inside.
The taxi takes me to my house. The closer we get, the grayer the world becomes. I ask what the fare is. In a hissing voice the driver says, “Everything, till there’s nothing left.” I’m afraid, and so I push on the door and fall out onto the gray grass, which crackles and snaps under my weight. When I look up again the taxi is gone.
More of the gray people, the don’t-matter people, are down at the end of the street all bunched up together. They know something, but they’re just standing there, all staring at me.
I’m afraid and I want to go into my house. I push on the door, which opens noiselessly. Why doesn’t it make any sound? It should make a sound when it opens. I can hear voices inside, coming from my mother’s room. “Cut it out. Leave me alone.” What voice is that? My mother’s voice? What does she want me to cut out?
The scissors are there on the dining room table. Everything is gray, but the scissors shine and gleam, calling to me. It’s hard to see anything else. I have them now. What needs to be cut out?
Uncle Tony is here and he is not gray enough. He should be gray like the other people. Mother is here too, pulling on his shoulder. She is not gray enough either. I can see her mouth moving, but I can’t hear the words. Is she saying my name?
I know what to do. I must make Uncle Tony gray. It’s not difficult. I just have to keep trying. I will fix everything. I will make both of them very gray. My hands move as if they knew just what they had to do. I watch the shining blades arc through the gloom, rising and falling in a grim rhythm. Pretty soon the other colors bleed out, and Uncle Tony and Mother are gray like they should be.
I close my dreaming eyes. Everything is quiet again. Everyone has gone to sleep. The people down the street have all walked away, back into their dingy houses. No one can see me anymore.
The taxi driver is back. “You’re done now,” he tells me in his rasping voice. That’s good. I walk out the front door into the twilight of the street. Everything is the same fleshless color, except for the sky. I see the bright points of stars overhead. They are so beautiful.
CHAPTER TWENTY
Shopping
HobbyTown was huge. When Circuit City had gone out of business the mall had lost its anchor store and for a time people thought the mall would languish and become a ruin. HobbyTown had moved in, taken over the old facility, and even expanded it. They had subsumed the furniture store on the east and now the storefront seemed as wide as a city block.
He walked through the large double doors and approached the cash register area. The signs in the back of the store were so far away, they blurred into intelligibility.
He walked up to the first cashier, a young woman about eighteen years old. “Can you help me out? Where in the store can I find model airplanes and cars?”
She directed him to an aisle way in the rear of the store. There were three aisles full of models and model paraphernalia. Paints, glues, and all sorts of kits. As Scott walked up and down the aisle the little boy in him came out again. All of the kits looked like they would be fun to build. There was a model of the old dirigible Hindenburg. How fun would that be?
But there was no way in the world little Scotty would know anything about a dirigible. His world was all about cars, trucks, and horses. There were plenty of cars, planes, and trucks. The cars and trucks would be the best bet. The little guy could identify with those, mainly because he rode in them all the time.
Something caught his eye. No, it was someone. Who was that?
He stepped around the end of the aisle to try to see who the person had been. No one there. Odd, she’d looked familiar. But who had it been?
He found a model of the Scooby-Doo Mystery Machine. It looked just like the old-style bus the cartoon characters drove on television. Scotty would absolutely love it. It had all the flower decals and decorations the real Mystery Machine had on TV. The box proclaimed it had snap-in construction, eliminating the need to use glue, but it still needed to be painted. No problem. On the opposite side of the aisle were at least a hundred thumb-size bottles of paint in
every color.
Yellow, lime green, light blue, red, and black. That would take care of the van body, the wheels, and all the trim. Besides, he could buy more if they needed it. He picked up a couple of brushes as well.
Did he need anything else? He should probably get something for Angela while he was in here. Half a store away, he found jewelry for little girls. Angela loved it when Rachel dressed her up in fancy things. She toddled all around, showing herself off. He found some colorful bracelets and a glow-in-the-dark necklace she could wear in her room when it was dark. Perfect.
As he turned toward the cashier station his eye caught the oddly familiar figure again. Someone leaving the store, walking out through the double doors. So familiar! It looked just like . . . No. Alicia?
Of course, that was impossible. There was no Alicia, not really. She couldn’t have been here. Someone just looked like her. However, he was intrigued. Intrigued and scared.
No way. It’s just the guilt talking.
Scott paid as quickly as he could, then strode out into the parking lot. He stopped and looked around.
The woman who had just exited the store had to still be in sight. What a strange feeling, seeing someone who looked like Alicia in real life. Of course, he’d only had a fleeting glimpse of her. No doubt if he were to see her close up, the resemblance would fall apart very quickly. No doubt.
There was nothing to see, though, and after looking around for a few more minutes, he made his way to his car.
Still, he found himself haunted by the idea someone who looked that much like Alicia actually lived and was walking around town.
It was almost six o’clock. Even though he felt like he should go back to the office, he just didn’t feel up to it. It had been a long day and the vision of the Alicia look-alike troubled him.
No, it wasn’t Alicia, but it had left him feeling guilty. His place was with Rachel, with his own family.
He put the things he’d bought on the passenger seat and pointed the car toward home. He’d have supper with his family tonight.